lonely

Good heavens! Even if Skype had existed when my DSs flew the nest, I certainly wouldn't have been on it daily! What a waste of time and energy that would have been.

Sam1950 I have skyped her in the past, but I feel I am being overbearing so I don't really ask, but its not impossible, I guess in a way I'm relying on her for my wellbeing and that in itself is unfair. I have realised though tried to push it away several times, that her not being understanding about home issues, is not the crux of the matter, it is my hollow, lonely life since she left home.
I have to face up to reality and admit that I cant go on this way, something has to change.

Have you thought about trying Skype to speak to your daughter. I speak to mine most days, and I can fill my screen with her through the video button, so it's like having her sitting opposite me.

Thanks Soutra

What makes you feel I have been unkind or unfair? I had no intention of being unkind and am sorry if anything I said was construed that way, just wondering aloud I suppose (and again this is entirely your own business) though why you didn't outline the problem at the outset. You say he is "killing " you? I have heard of quite a lot of marriages which break up when the children leave home and couples find there is nothing holding them together any more, but your relationship problems do seem to go a long way back. There has been a lot of good advice regarding Relate/CAB/financial and legal advice and I hope you will be able to follow up on whatever is most helpful to you.

Thanks jinglbellfrocks

Could you do it Coolgran?

Perhaps someone could take Ginette (and anyone else interested) step by step through the process of divorce.

This could be the world's first on-line divorce.

Soutra I cant type everything again if you cars to refer to the thread! The whole situation arose with my daughter leaving for university, I lived through a 22 year difficult marriage for her for the past 18 years as the first 3 years were ok. I was surrounded by family at the time and was younger
The situation has changed completely, the man is killing me, he has accused me of having affairs, not being there for him because I was and still am apparently all for my daughter!
He controls me financially, he checks up on everything I do.
Basically I am tired I need out but as Coolgran suggests moving away is not that straight forward for me. I have been a bit reckless with the plastic! Trying to buy comfort and happiness so I'm in debt, there is not much equity in this house, he is a very clever man he has put his debt on it and so I'll be lucky to get anything!
As I really have no one to turn to I'm on this forum just clutching at straws, Soutra please dont be unkind, if only you could walk in my shoes right now and feel what I feel at this precise moment!

I was miserable for many years and thought the logistics wouldn't allow me to divorce, I only worked 12 hours weekly, my son was just starting uni while living at home (to start with). I had £1,000 in an account.

Believe me.... it can be done.
Within 5 minutes of me saying to ex that this was it.... divorce.... I felt like a butterfly, the weight was gone from my shoulders and no matter what was done or said, I was still free. I didn't know how it would work out but I was worth more than misery.

With the 50% equity I bought a very small house for myself, and for my son for as long as he wanted/needed me.

Ginette Think what it would be like to walk in your own front door with a light heart.

Is your daughter at home?

Ginette I have had a break for a day or two and have come to this page of your thread with some surprise. You started by saying how your daughter going to university has left you feeling lonely and how you are missing her. Now I recognise that this is not incompatible with what seems to be a much wider and serious issue, but cannot quite see at what point the subject of the thread changed.

I do not wish to pry but wonder if you are willing to share, or indeed if it helpful, how the apparently dodgy financial dealings come into the equation and what sounds like mental cruelty? Perhaps I just missed it, but I was unaware of these aspects in your original post. You say "At least I'll have my daughter", but was the original point not that you felt your daughter had gone off to uni, as it were without a backward glance?

Feel free to tell me to mind my own business or refer me to where the problem changed if you want, but I wonder whether the well-intentioned advice about getting out and about and filling the "hole " of ENS was not entirely irrelevant.

I had a good day at work, a welcome distraction! Came home quite buoyant talked to my daughter and then had something to eat, then he walked in, completely ignored me ate and has just gone to bed, I am so lost. I immediately sought out the laptop to tell all of you how I feel, I know Elegran and Anya your question is jumping out at me!!
I havent told anyone except two friends who are abroad, here I feel so ashamed to tell anyone, there is only one person I could approach at work, she's a kind soul, do you think I should go to her for help, her husband cheated on her with her best friend. Ok while I was typing I called her as in the morning I would have chickened out!
I feel so ashamed as its not something I want to admit especially to a work colleague!
But im left with no choice, this man has my back against the wall!
I stand to lose a lot but at least I'll have my daughter and peace of mind. Its gone from good to bad to unbearable, I wouldn't make my enemy endure this mental torture, I have no black and blue patches to show the abuse that he puts me through, everyone sees me as this independent working wkman who drives and tends to her garden, and does the household chores but they dont see me behind closed doors, he on the other hand is living his life paying the bills as he calls it, and so giving himself the right to treat me really bad, not speak to his daughter, who still needs him, despite everything, he is ger father! She has done him no wrong, but he seeks to punish her as he knows that is one of the ways of piercing my heart, for one reason, I WONT SLEEP WITH HIM!

Indeed so. You could contact:

- CAB - say it's urgent
- womens aid
- a solicitor
- your bank
- any friends and relatives who might have practical help to offer or provide a bolthole
- your DD - she needs to know how things are now
- Samaritans if things get desperate - they may also be able to pass you on to other sources of help
- GP
- your local social services department
- www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/help-for-women/
- www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk
- www.nhs.uk/livewell/abuse/pages/domestic-violence-help.aspx
- leavingabuse.com/domestic.../help-for-abused-and-battered-women.html
- www.enddomesticabuse.org/emotional_verbal_abuse.php?tabs=0&gclid=CN32uID8uMMCFUPJtAod1DAAGg

There's a lot out there! Good luck.

Get online and look up a solicitor and make an appointment. You are entitled to more than your husband will tell you. Even if you dont get enough to buy yourself a house, you can rent somewhere and possible get some help with working tax credits if you dont earn enough. Get back to work, get to a solicitor and give your daughter a good example to follow, be a strong woman who will not be bullied. Offload on here, lots of people have come out the other side of terrible marriages and will help you to realise that you can do it. Life is too short.

To me, it looks as though he could only close the account, which would then be frozen, and redo the mandate. If he did that then he would not get at the money either, which looks like cutting off his nose to spite his face.

I would repeat Anya's question. Who else have you sought advice from? We can post till the cows come home, but we can't give you definite individual advice.

Your position is looking increasingly desperate, going from missing your daughter as she moves on to another phase of her life, to being trapped in a disastrous (and in some ways abusive) marriage. Sit back and consider it coolly and decide what you want to happen, then get professional advice on how to achieve it. A solicitor will give you half an hour free.

Posting on here gets plenty of sympathy and support (and that can be very satisfying in itself) but it won't move you forward.

It might not be too late regarding the bank account Ginette if your husband has done something underhand, and not within the original mandate, it could be possible to rectify the situation - you won't know unless you make a serious effort to find out.

At the very least you should seek to protect your share of any assets of the marriage - it doesn't matter whose name they're in.

And as you are joint owner of the house, logistics of a divorce are not 'impossible'. There are many women who've extricated themselves from difficult marriages that involved messy finances.

It all depends on what you want and whether you have a real desire to take control of your life.

Just one question Ginette....apart from us, who have you actually sought professional advice from?

So he must have closed the joint account. Withdrawn all the money in it, and opened an account in his name only. hmm. Oh heck Ginette6957.
<hugs> again.
I think that you are right. You do need to look at your options.

It is a shame that the womens refuge seem to take an unreasonable amount of your wages.
I dont know enough about them to know whether that is the best answer for you.
But it does seem to me that you need professional advice from someone and soon.

Its too late about the bank account ladies. Its done! Jingle bellsfrocks thanks for the hugs xx
Its icy outside and it's icier indoors! I'm dreading going back to work today having to put on a mask as no one is aware of what is going on its embarrassing as the picture he depicts is one of a caring man, if only they knew!
Then the coming home to a man who just doesnt care, I do need to look at all my options.
I too thought that a joint bank account needed two signatories to shut it down, like I said in my earlier threads this man has me over a barrel! He is fully aware of what he is doing and how he is hurting me, he is in full flow!
I didnt know it was possible to detest someone so!
Right my cyber friends I havd to go and face the day, please hold me in your thoughts and pray for me.
And thank you to each and every individual for the support. HUGS GALORE xxxx

I think Ginette should go and see the bank if he has changed the terms of the account without consulting her. The bank manager will be able to tell her what the position is.

The bit that says

"Who can manage a joint account

When two or more people decide to open a joint bank account, they have to sign a form called a mandate. The mandate sets out what the joint account holders can do, for example, who can sign cheques and take money out.

You can cancel the mandate at any time without the agreement of the others. You would need to do this, for example, if you want to change the terms of the joint account or close it.

However, it is possible to draw up a mandate which only allows you to change the terms of the joint account or to close it with the agreement of all the account holders."

But it also says in another place

"If there is disagreement about a joint account

If you have a disagreement with another joint account holder, you should cancel the joint account mandate straight away.

If the mandate isn't cancelled straight away, any one account holder will still be able to get access to the account and the bank won't be able to refuse to pay them.

When you cancel a joint account mandate, the account will be frozen. All the account holders will then have to agree on how to divide the money up between them. If it's not possible to agree, the courts will have to decide how to divide the money up."

Elegran, which specific bit of the link are you refering to?
It is late at night for me, and I cant find it.

(A few posts have appeared since I wrote mine - sorry if out of sync!)

I'd have thought that too. Is the house still in joint names, or has he changed that too - have you checked, Ginette?

Getting back to work will at least get you out of the house and allow you a bit of breathing space. I know it's a difficult position to be in, I've been there myself in the past.