lonely

I realised it wasn't missing the person, as much as wondering what my own place in life would now be. I felt made redundant, which is how your daughter has made you feel I suppose.

When my daughter cleared off without a backward glance to live with her boyfriend, I felt devastated for a while - then they broke up and I had a weepy waily almost-20 year-old back on my hands, who had dropped out of Uni because of the split. You really don't know what the little darlings will throw at you next. As we had just moved temporarily into a 2-bed rented flat while looking for a house, she had to sleep in the sitting-room until we found one 10 months later. So from missing her desperately, I suddenly found myself wishing she were out of my hair and I could have my wardrobe space back to myself. Even worse, she had been used to running her own kitchen for a year by then and all of a sudden I was being criticised! But a year down the line she left again, and I do still miss her, but in a different way. She has children of her own, is finally coming to the end of her law degree and fully appreciates anything I do for her. You find a balance in the end.

I hope you can make it up ok with your OH. You need them more than ever once your children have gone. We started to try to enjoy each other's hobbies more, and to go out together more often.

Thanks guys but right no matter how comforting the words I cant seem to find myself I feel bereft, like I'm in a quagmire. Please bear with me while I wallow in self pity. Sometimes I feel this situation is of my own making! I let me daughter rule my world. Now I'm paying for it.

It took me a year to stop feeling like that and you are right, nothing stops it. No advice is enough. Just keep venting and wallowing, it helps. x

Thanks janerowena the only setback I have is lack of a sympathetic caring ear, my husband hasnt got a clue he is carrying on with his life while mine has stood still the day my daughter left home.
I just want someone to listen but I find that's like asking for a kidney!

Ginette there seem to be several issues here.

Firstly you are missing your daughter. Of course you are, she has been your raison d'être for so long.

Secondly you feel she is not missing you in the same way and has turned out to be selfish and self centred. Knock that one on the head, she is just a normal teenager striving for independence and building her own life.

And finally your husband isn't there for you. He doesn't understand how you feel. Well he's a man and that's about parr for the course.

I'm afraid the solution lies in your own hands, but first you have some grieving to do. Your situation has echoes of a bereavement. Don't be afraid to get out and go for a long walk and cry. I did this when my life turned upside down, in fact I still do. You need to let it all out. Don't try to be strong all the time.

But do try to be strong some of the time or that way lies madness.

PS we do listen on here so don't be afraid to tell us how you feel, but sad to say there is often no one to listen in the real world

Anya is exactly right. I didn't have an ear to listen to me either. Which was how I ended up on here, as I think I said in that link I posted earlier in this thread. My best friend has four daughters who won't leave her alone at all - they even moved down here when she did! And now she has one family living with her while they have a house built. so she envies me. Most of the others had disagreements with their children as teens so were glad of a bit of peace and quiet. They all looked at me as if I was mad when I told them how I felt. All I can say to you is, it does wear off, and it's not about missing the child, as I thought at first, it's about realising that you have reached another stage in your life and thinking about what you are going to do in that stage can feel quite daunting. Last week you were a mother with a dependent child - who are you this week? You are bound to feel rather lost and low.

When DD1 went to uni she was quite young and I missed her terribly. Over 20 years ago we didn't give mobiles and every Sunday therewas a weepy phone call. I think she wept and left me worrying. I felt desolate every time we put her on the train to go back or took her back. But you put on a good face for the outside world. Same thing for DD2. Couldn't see for tears on the drive back. I took myself off for a serious days retail therapy that week and bumped into her best friends father on the train. He was grey, skin clothes hair. Just asking How are you and expecting Fine he nearly burst into tears and said I never knew it would be like this. I sympathised . He said I suppose it's easier for you with two. I assured him that it was just as bad. Ginette you are probably surrounded by parents looking bleakly at their lives at the moment. Durham is filling up with returning students,confident and energetic and I look at them and think of their parents and wish they could have a snapshot of how well they are doing. It all passes.

I think the observation that you are facing a new phase of your life is spot on - your DD has embarked on one, and so have you. What you decide to do with it is up to you.

It sounds as if OH hasn't got a lot to say - but may not mean he is not missing her too. And you suddenly find yourself thrown together in a different way - and that can be hard. It sounds as if you have been very devoted to and wrapped up in your DD and it might be the case that he has felt sidelined and has no clue how to get back in the frame!

Lots of adjustment for both of you.

But if you really feel he is not interested in doing stuff together it does not stop you from seeing this new phase of life as an opportunity. Start by feeling sad, but then try and move on by expanding your horizons.

It is a challenge but you have lots of years ahead of you hopefully and you need to think how you are going to use that gift of time to do things that you will enjoy for yourself and maybe also for others through volunteering.

Many of us have been there and we have got through; but it is hard at first shedding that caring role and wondering what we are here for now we have obeyed the biological imperative to go forth and multiply.

Good luck!

The worrying about them is awful, isn't it. But yesterday morning DS announced that he had a lot of paperwork to do. I thought he meant uni stuff, but no, it was about reserving his room in his house for another year, deciding which room he wanted, sorting out his student loan for this coming semester and sorting out his rent payments. My instinct is still to jump in and ask if he needs help, but I kept quiet. I shall leave it a few days and ask if it all went through ok, but I still find it astonishing that a 19 year old with a bad memory can cope with all that.

My DCS appreciated home far more once they had been absent from it for a while. DD came back and forth after a few setbacks, I didn't ever feel used, I was glad that she had us to be her rock to come back to. A safe place to have a breather, and I enjoyed having her back. I think we have only ever had one mild spat since she left home, she has said several times that it was only once she left home and lived with another person that she realised fully what I had done for her. We are very close. One day you will have that, too.

Thanks Anya
Yes therein lies my problem I have no one to turn to hence I joined this wonderful site, although I find it hard to navigate around it. Im alone so very grateful for women like you who unknowingly are providing me strength and some hope, I woke up today and realise how dreadful my life really is. Im so full of dread everything looks bleak. I cant seem to find myself again. My husband is around but not there for me if that makes sense, he has a very suspicious mind and over the years has accused me of having affairs, so as there is no trust I feel our marriage is rubbish, he's very controlling and as long as things go his way there's harmony. The moment I go out things change. Its a long story, my morale is rock bottom.
Its not just about my daughter leaving its the non-existent marriage that is also making me sad, I care for him so much don't think I love him anymore he has exhausted me so although its tough I dont have the resources or support to move away.
I feel trapped and I think this is why I am missing my daughter so much as she was constant in my life. Not used to being alone.

Janerowena, mishap, stansgran, anya I cant tell you how grareful I am for this forum I feel happy knowing I can pen my feelings here and get constructive advice it makes me appreciate stuff, I think I have to work on my relationship with my husband and perhaps I will adjust better to this loss of my daughter.

My relationship wasn't anything like as bad as yours, but we had certainly grown apart. We are closer now that DS is no longer at home all the time.

Reading through this thread, I think you have made steps of progress even from last friday! Good for you.

I am not sure whether you still love your husband or not. You may do.
Is there any chance that you can have a holiday? Even just a 3 day one?
Perhaps even without your husband?
Or even just some day trips away? I find time away does help to clear the mind a bit.

Loads of sympathy, I do understand how you feel. I thought I would actually die of a broken heart when my youngest left home. But it does pass and you get used to it. Allow yourself time to wallow, but then try to find things that you are interested in and do something about it.
The world is full of fascinating things. Now is YOUR time!
Good luck to you.

I would also add that you need to take all this one step at a time. One day at a time.

Presumably your DD started at university last Autumn and is now in her second term? Maybe some of what you are feeling is a combination of empty nest syndrome and SAD?it is not unnatural to miss them- but it is an integral part of growing up, starting with weaning , through starting school , college or university then perhaps marriage, but certainly adult independence.
You do need to develop a life of your own -she will not thank you for thinking you are moping around an empty house feeling miserable. Be brave-you do have an identity of your own apart from your role as wife and other.

Am I hard-hearted to say that I was happy and excited for my sons when they spread their wings and took off on their chosen courses or careers? It was nice when they came back for a while but again I was happy to see them go, this time with their life partners, young women whom I am still glad to be able to call my friends.

No anno, I was like you and that is how it should be. If we can let them go then our job is done

A lot depends on how full or empty your life is when they go. If your life is empty when they've gone then there are wider issues to address. The problem being that you're feeling that sad it's difficult to drag yourself out of the hole that you're in.

Hi Ginette. So sorry you are feeling like this. Yes, it can be a very difficult time when the kids leave home, it's a form of grieving I think. It does take a while to adjust. I am still going through it, on and off. It's a long story which I have already posted about. There is a thread on here about the Empty Nest Syndrome which you might find useful. I can't remember exactly where, but you can probably search for it.

Thanks again all of you, I so appreciate the kind words I'm trying very hard to take one day at a time and to adjust, one of you talked about time out and I will ask my husband who I am very keen to rekindle what we've lost. I guess I let my daughter come first for a long time.
I just want to be a part of this group so I can keep building my strength and confidence. It is horrendous feeling the way I do and I've got to get strong and see my way out of this situation. I wake up after hardly any sleep to an empty house and immediately panic.
Thank you for all your support each and everyone of you.

Maybe you could try St.John's Wort. It helped me a lot.

That's a huge step forward already Ginette ie trying to rekindle your marriage. It may or may not happen, but I'm sure we all wish you luck and admire your courage.
Yes, do keep posting

I certainly do wish you luck. What happened to my St. John's Wort? It's had its Wort cut off! It cut back on my anxiety about DS.

Another thing I hadn't thought of until a friend mentioned it - it may be that mums of our age are also having to deal with the effects of menopause, so our hormones are plating havoc too, in a way that those younger than us manage to evade. Again, St. John's Wort helps with that.