lonely

Get out. You can discuss it on here until the cows come home, with it looming worse the more you say about it. You work and you have your own bank account? Thank your lucky stars you are not totally dependent on him. A couple of generations ago you would have been destitute.

If it is all as bad as you say, staying there is not an option. Stop agonising, plan and act.

Oh and as per Ana's suggestion to get in touch with the Samaritans I have, but as no physical violence (he's too clever for that) as Ana said its limited, CAB are inundated, they are employing extra staff and still can't cope, there is no immediate concise help out there for those in genuine need, no legal aid either except for immigrants, asylum seekers etc!

Ana you are right! I am expecting help as I'm so confused as i don't recognise myself anymore at the same time I know only I can change stuff, but I'm scared, scared as I don't know where to start!
Jinglbellfrocks row?! It used to be a daily occurrence! It doesn't bother him, he has such a good coping mechanism, he drowns me out and just continues doing what he's doing or watches TV or gets in his laptop and plays games! He doesn't give a toss!
I don't do anything for him, I haven't slept with him for ages and he's frustrated, after all those accusations of affairs I told him I wouldn't!
I have a backbone my dear, but its broke!

You need to stand up to him Ginette. Have a bloody good row. Shout.

I hope you're not doing anything for him - cooking, shopping for him, washing his clothes. Go completely on strike. Make his life hell. Perhaps you just need to grow a pair get some backbone.

Stop suffering. Get angry.

You seem to want someone to fix it for you, Ginette, but we can't, only you can.

Go back to CAB (they can't possibly be booked up indefinitely), get help from the Samaritans if you get desperate, but unless your husband's being physically violent towards you your options are limited.

Good luck!

Loopylou, elegran and soon to be
She is with her boyfriend at uni and prior to them going to uni they spent a lot of time with me, we gave the husband plenty of opportunities to join in stuff but he was never interested so we just did our own thing.
Soon to be - women's aid a few years ago when I was suffering another episode with him when he was accusing me of having an affair and my daughter who was 11 year old at the time stuck up for me and he hit her, I called the police but because she didnt want him locked up, the police couldn't do anything and because I was scared of him I called women's aid and they put us up in an awful refuge with women who didnt speak English, there was again no one to talk to and if I wanted to work I would have had to pay a lot towards upkeep it wasn't worth it, I thought about my daughter and for her sake I camd back home, he had changed the locks so I had to get the police to intervene and he was forced to give me the key!
So I have been through a lot with this man, the difference being I was younger and had my daughter who was all I cared about.
My life is one big never ending nightmare, I'm exhausted.

What do you mean when you say that womens aid services were bleak?

You say "with her boyfriend" Is she or was she living with him?

To me, and to put it bluntly, he's an abusive, bullying control freak.
It's easy for me to say get out but clearly your sanity is suffering.
Is there no one you could stay with to give you a breathing space?
Samaritans or MIND would be two support options?

I am fine with my daughter being with her boyfriend, its just him Mishap! I am tending to agree that's a control issue as he's no longer the alpha male in her life! How neanderthal is that? He's not happy unless he gets his way, because I've been a boyfriend supporter I'm paying the price, he has found his ultimate weapon, my daughter, to use to hurt me! Don't know how long I can cope with this. Can't see a solution, cant confide in any one who cares that's what is really getting to me, I've never been so helpless in my entire life,not having my daughter is just adding to my panic and anxiety issues, am I ever going to be happy again? I want a pet he has refused I'm scared he may harm the animal when I'm not around.

The fact that he objects to your DD having a boyfriend indicates that he likes to be in control - this objection is not normal (unless the lad is dreadful and he is worried about her).

It strikes me that he cannot be very happy either. Have you had this conversation with him? - or would that just not be possible? If you are both unhappy there is a motivation on both sides to deal with it.

Thanks nan Kate and Honda girl I'm just giing round in circles it seems, I admire the man, he sleeps so well at night! Wakes up to his routine and doesnt cast a glance at me knowing how much I'm suffering, I have no ons who I could trust and truly turn to. People just dont care, I may have made a mistake of telling my boss yesterday expecting help or sympathy, didn't happen!
I am here on a beautiful winter's day so caught up in fear and anxiety, I just want it to stop, people ard getting on with their lives, as I've said time and time again, folks on here must be sick of it!
The last time I sought help from women's aid I ended up worse off as the services were bleak! Its a head on battle with a man who doesn't care, I even think he's enjoying watching me suffer as its kind of payback time since I devoted time to my daughter as she was my escape from him. So now he's happy to see me suffer, he stopped all association with her since just before Christmas as he doesnt approve of her having a boyfriend, and because I was in her corner, I am suffering the consequences.
Hopelessly lost and unable to leave due to financial mess I've put myself in, not ever thinking about the future, never in my wildest imagination seeing my life turning out this way.

Sent you a message Ginette

Hope you dont feel quite so bad now?
I dont really know about them. But I too am here if you want to talk.

Hello Ginette I have only just come to this thread and can see what a very difficult time you are having. Do hope you managed to sleep.

As well as your Gransnet friends do you have anyone else to talk to? Perhaps a visit to your doctor might result in some help to get you through this difficult time.

Can you manage a short walk each day, this can help lift the spirits.

When I retired I realised I did not have many friends locally so I joined the WI which has provided me with the company I needed. This may not be for you, but if you can start to make some small changes in your life with time things could improve.

Sending you my very best wishes

Hi Ginette, I have just seen your post as I am in Australia and it is lunch time here. I suspect everyone was in bed when you posted, and I am sure someone else will also be along when they wake up to offer more words of support. I hope you have got over your panic attack, it can be quite scary, can't it and especially at night. I have just caught up with the last few pages of your post and I am so sorry you are in this situation. You would probably also benefit from some practical advice on how to move forward. I can't really help with that as I am not in the UK, but I do understand how you are feeling.

We tend to get wrapped up in children and jobs and then when they have gone we ask ourselves, is this it? I too have had similar feelings and moved countries to be near our children. I won't go into detail as I have posted on another thread, but for various reasons it looks like this is not going to work out and I will be left with just my hubby for company and having to think about what that means. Stay strong.

Anyone there, just had a massive panic/anxiety episode need to chat with a kindred spirit?

Thanks loopylou its comforting to know I havd you all, really comforts me, makes me feel less alone and lonely, I know if I posf a message one of you will respond, I am very grateful, it is so good just to know that even though you cant help you all give me the pep talk and advice/suggestions.
God bless

It's so hard Ginette when stark reality kicks in.
Hopefully you'll be able to start sorting your future out, as uncertain as that seems today.
I have my fingers crossed for you, hopefully the better days are not too far ahead x

My daughter was the person who kept me sane, who provided an outlet, now that she's gone the impact of this loveless abusive marriage has hit home, I dont recognise the man anymore! But then again possibly I didnt see the real person, the man behind the mask!
I cant see what the future holds but I'm praying for better days.
Thanks Mishap and Soon to be and Tegan ♥♥♡

It's such a shock to the system when the things that protected you from your husband [either mentally or physically] are suddenly removed. As if, when they were there, they formed an invisible barrier. I thought I would get to know my husband again when the children left for uni but, in fact, he'd already started the affair that eventually ended our marriage. Awful as it was at the time, at least I was able to divorce him and move on. I was actually scared when I found there was just him and me in the house alone [and had felt that way for a long time] even though he wasn't physically abusive towards me. He was [and is] a very good, kind man so it's difficult to make sense of how and why it all came to that. But the fact that he had no comprehension of how the affair was hurting both me and the children made me realise I'd been living in an emotional void that only my children could fill.

You could skype her a little tiny bit? Not in an overbearing way. She might like it too?

I think, by the way, that you have come a long way in a couple of weeks. Well done.

You could try pointing out to your husband that things have changed. That you are not in touch with your daughter that much now.
I dont think it will make much difference, but I would hope that he would start to see that things have indeed changed.
[I myself have a husband, who unless prodded, thinks everything is still the same as say 2007, and has to be reminded to look up and see that people and places and life changes!]

I admire your wisdom in not wanting to be overbearing for your DD now she is spreading her wings - that must take some courage in your present situation and I can only say well done you.

It's the difference though between being in an abusive marriage and your only support going and being happy in your situation.
We (nearly) all naturally miss our children when they leave home but develop other interests within our lives but for some that leaving almost feels like abandonment. That's when, as Ginette says, you have to 'face up to reality' and make some tough decisions.
((Hugs)) x

I feel exactly the same. An occasional letter was enough and a phone call when the queue was short .Even now we feel contact once a week is sufficient though we do see the grandchildren a lot more than that.