Now feeling a bit bad, but should I ???? Long story.

I am wondering if your SiL may be suffering from depression or may need some counselling to come to terms with the death of his DM.

IT's certainly not a healthy way to be thinking and I'm sorry you are going through this felice. It's certainly not your fault and if you feel a chat is out of the question all you can do is support your DD and DGS.

I sincerely hope this is resolved soon.

Can you get into the conversation (without it sounding contrived) that you are so glad to have him (SiL) around to add him to your children, particularly at Christmas when there are so many reminders of the missing faces of those we loved.

Are your parents still alive, or could you speak of how you miss them, and how pleased you are that your own family is now larger, that it does not only shrink. You can't claim to be a replacement for his mother,, but possible he may see that everyone has gaps in their family at times like this, and adding new members to the circle is an ongoing thing.

If he can't adjust to his mother's death after 17 years, then I am afraid he is in for a long and miserable time. His mother had to do a similar adjustment a some time, and so has everyone who has lost a near relative - that means everyone on earth, eventually.

I lost my father at age 20, both i and SIL were adopted, his great mine terrible.
i have now found my Natural Mother and our relationship is wonderful even more when i found out the nasty way she was treated when she had me.
Does that bother him, he says he found his real mother but wants no contact, fine that is his deciscion, sorry about the typing have Brazilian friends with their little girl coming for and extra Christmas, just texted on their way will reply later

If SiL hasn't said anything to you, felice then I don't think you should bring it up. Just carry on as if everything is fine.
If your DD feels that SiL is unhappy she should discuss it with him and / or suggest counselling of some kind.
Elegran puts it well - he needs to find a way to get used to it.

Hi
I am new here, so dont know any backstory.
It seems to me, rightly or wrongly, that this situation is not personal to you? Because it is his DGS as well as you that he is struggling with?
So, I am not sure that if I were you, that I would say anything either.
Is DGS his son?

I wonder if he is jealous of a three generation family who seem happy and self sufficient? He sounds a bit obsessive to me.

Did he find his real mother this year?

I don't want to be cause distress to anyone, especially at this time of year. I find the use of the term "real mother" to describe a birth mother unhelpful to all concerned. She is his birth mother, a meaning no one can dispute, or denigrate. For many adopted people, their adoptive mother is in the true sense, their 'real' mother, for good or ill.

I was copying felice's words.
I see what you are getting at Iam64.

He is my SIL, so Dgs is his son, my 'Mother' loves to be called my 'real' mother says it makes all the years without me 'real' again.
Iam64 i hope you are talking from your own experience, not rhetorically.
SIL found his real Mother when he was 16, he and she has no interest in any communication.
Believe me we are not a normal family, me divorced, X doing his own thing with new wife and sprogs, I am disabled so life is not easy.
SILs attitude has only been over the last year, .
I might do another posting on this as some posters seem to have problems if a posting is too long,,,i.e, SIL and DGS.
Umm Elegran, his Mother is dead that was quite an adjustment. If you mean his re oops sorry Birth Mother she left him in a bucket when he was 10 days old in a cold january,,,, yes yes lets go down the desperate poor girl bit, I know all that, personally.
Waste of time really posting anything on this, just get the pontificators and the I Know Besters,,,,, who probably have no experience of the real thing.

I think he is jealous as Stansgran says. Though it seems odd after seventeen years for him to be jealous of you, his MIL, because you are still living and his mother is not. Also for him not to be coping with his child, or did your DD tell you that felice so as not to upset you. He does sound odd to me. Seventeen years to be obsessed over your deceased adoptive mother is a long time.

felice; I do often wonder if complications within my family are due to my SIL losing both of his parents..one when he was in his teens and one when he was much older [although it was very sudden and a great shock to. I don't think that there is a conscious jealousy though, but there are subconscious feelings lurking around.

I'm the same Tegan. My SIL to be lost his mum when he was 12 years old and his father two years ago, he is 25. I get ignored when visiting, he wont even make me a cup of tea. And now for the wedding in September I've been told I have no part. I do wonder if this is because there are no parents on his side but then they should have thought about this when two babies came along and I was the one with my hand in my pocket.

p.s. on their request.

Losing parents does not excuse rudeness years later towards people who had nothing to do with it and to whom one should be polite. Sounds more like an excuse for not learning some social skills.

He sounds like a spoilt brat instead of a mature 47 year old.

Reading these rather sad stories makes me very grateful for my DSiL who had an horrendous upbringing by an alcoholic mother who had several relationships after DsiL's Father left. He has always been kind and polite and grateful for the warmth and inclusion in our family. He is a great dad to their two children and he and DD are a strong and loving partnership in every way. I respect and admire him so much but I do realise that we are lucky that he has overcome the problems he had (and still has) with his own Mum.

felice I have no advice, just lots of sympathy in what must be a dreadfully difficult situation, and a few hugs.

I have to say, felice, that describing people who are trying to help you as "pontificators and the I Know Besters..... who probably have no experience of the real thing" will not encourage others to post on here.

Families are a complex lot aren't they Felice and others .... my own wider family included!

Who knows why your SiL is the way he is but I'm wondering whether there's an element of 'familiarity breeds contempt'. It's very handy for him that you live downstairs (at his suggestion) but then he wants to keep you at arm's length when it suits.

From what you say, you don't impose yourself on the the family so it seems a bit cruel that you're banished to your own quarters when it suits him, particularly on Christmas Day!

Do you have to live in that particular flat?

Maggie, it doesn't seem to stop them usually !!!!!!I think I find it strange as it really is a new situation, for instance, he used to take me shopping by car once a week or so, now he asks DD to get a shopping list from me??
I just wish I could talk to him about it, but as i said in the OP he goes into strong parisien Dialect, he speaks no English, whenever anything uncomfortable comes up, even DD struggles then.
He knows the terrible relationship I have with my adopted Mother, and has often commented how lucky he was, his adopted Father went to Africa a year after his adoption and never came back, they had stayed together until after the adoption was legalised and he was off.
Friends had broached the idea of counselling when he and DD were getting married but a lot of stuff has been slowly cleared into storage, especially when DGS started exploring!!!!!
Well we shall see thanks at least for letting me get it off my chest, I have been told that I would have got on really well with his Mother and that she would have loved DD so that is something. Hopefully he will get over it,
I have long chats with my 'real' Mother about it and that helps too.
Got to try and tidy up around DGS now, small apartment and 2 toddlers running riot with there Christmas pressies has caused a bit of chaos.

had a nice dinner with DD, DGS and SIL last night , I put my arm around my DD and gave her a kiss on the cheek.
SIL then announced' his mother had never ever done that, never tucked him in, gave him a goodnight kiss, read a story.
DD and I were stunned we are an affectionate family, it seems he was a 'trophy' child, beautiful blonde, blue eyed little boy and very well behaved. His nanny was affectionate but not his Mother.

So much now becomes clear, and now we can move on with it, I gave him a big hug when I came downstairs with DGS, and he hugged back.
Happy new year everyone, and may it be a blessed one for all of us.

Hopefully things moving forward for you felice, fingers crossed (hug) and

That sounds very hopeful felice, best wishes