MIL

not quite my last word, Jings can you explain what you meant by my online persona being not lke the real etheltbags and Elegran referring to my 'winding up'. It seems like you have got a little clique of ethel haters.
Ok I can live with that but it is really childish to carry it on week after week.

I say my mind then it is forgotten after a few days, why are you lot being so horrible to me, no matter what I say, you refer to me as being
bitter and resentful about my childhood etc, you suggest I seek help. Are you lot all so perfect that you can criticise me. If I came on and just agreed with everything wouldn't that be missing the point of these forums, we need to have a different point of view.
So to the ethel haters, I don't need your comments, I have met many lovely people on gnet who don't criticise yet still have a different point of view.
By the way to the person who suggested I do a therapy with an ill will, I would like to say that I have never done that, if I had a person whom I disliked wanting a therapy I would just refuse or make a tactful excuse. Please don't assume what I would or would not do.

Oh no! Not haters. You are fun.

I just meant, sometimes we might exaggerate a particular side of our natures on here. And that's ok.

No cliques. If people say something I agree with, I say so. If I say something others agree with, they say so. If several people all separately have the same opinion, it could be that they are right.

You ask about winding up - you have on several occasions posted something which you afterwards said was "just winding you up" so you can't be surprised if your statements are sometimes taken to be "tongue in cheek".

You mustn't go away and worry about it ethel. Nothing on here is ever worth that.

I think your DD's MiL should be thoughtful and think about how her indiscriminate spending affects other members of the extended family.

We are much better off than DiL's family but we have always been careful not to flash the cash and take our lead from DS & DDiL. We ask what the children want for Christmas/ birthdays etc and as we are the distance grandparents not the local one we do arrive for visits with little things in my bag for DGC, mainly clothes from supermarkets, small craft kits and books. Nothing extravagant. They will reap the benefit when we pop our clogs.

If I say something others agree with, they say so. If several people all separately have the same opinion, it could be that they are right.

Isn't that ignoring the fact that several people have said that they don't agree? Is it a case of being 'right'?

"The Me Me Me Generation," it begins: "They’re narcissistic. They’re lazy. They’re coddled. They’re even a bit delusional. Those aren’t just unfounded negative stereotypes about 80 million Americans born roughly between 1980 and 2000. They’re backed up by a decade of sociological research."

There is a spirited, if not tiresome, debate about whether Millennials are self-entitled narcissists or open-minded do-gooders; surely the truth lies somewhere in-between. Generally, however, there does seem to be more of an emphasis on the self than in previous generations, one reason why this group has been called Generation Me.

www.livescience.com/38061-millennials-generation-y.html

The ideals being shown in some of those people had to begin somewhere and I suspect those notions began at home.

So to whoever asked earlier 'is it possible to spoil a child' the answer is yes, if it leaves them with a sense of entitlement and being 'special'.

"Could be" - they could also be wrong. So could those who didn't agree.

The operative word here is "could".

It is definitely possible to spoil a child. Of course we love them and want the best for them, but the best is not necessarily being bought every toy and gimmick that appears on the market, or being brought up to believe that whatever they say or do is perfection, or never being corrected.

I actually asked 'is it possible to spoil a baby?' and still wonder. I agree that it's certainly possible to spoil a child - any age over about 12-18 months I suppose!

Ethel, I like you too. I told you that in your previous incarnation, and you said you weren't used to people liking you. Perhaps you're subconsciously trying to drive them away before they realise their mistake (in your view?). I used to do that myself until I cottoned on...

I've only just come to this thread but have sat and read all through it. I think the other grandparents should be able to buy what they like as long as the parents are happy about it. They are most probably not competing at all, simply getting joy from buying for the GC and why not?

It seems so unfair to vilify them for doing something which hurts no one and gives them pleasure.

If spending more than the other side of the family were a problem we would not have helped DS and DiL with the cost of their wedding because her family could not afford to contribute. We didn't do it to show off or whatever you think, we did it to help and didn't mention it to the others, they probably don't know and there is no reason why they should. Same with helping with the cost of buying a house, should we not do that because the other side can't afford it? No, it makes no sense to resent someone else helping your offspring if they can afford it.

ethel some people are simply helpful and not showing off.

Nonnie I wouldn't disagree with you, we have helped with house purchase and at other times when a quiet injection of cash could be helpful as well, but I do think one needs to use one's discretion and constantly buying grandchildren expensive toys and clothes so that the parent's purchases for their children, especially at Christmas and birthdays, are eclipsed by a grandparent's present is thoughtless, to say the least.

However much we love our grandchildren, they are our grandchildren not our children and we should make sure, especially in the younger years, that what we give them is in conformity with the parent's wishes. We would never buy our DGC any kind of electronic device because their parents are limiting their access to them and we respect their wishes.

This was the phrase that worried me " We don't want her spoiling our little one" (The "bold" is mine, if it works)

I remember when I had ds, my sister in law had a baby around the same time. When speaking to my MIL about what ds was doing re feeding, sleeping etc, she would often say "Oh yes, our baby does that too". I really resented the "our baby" thing, they were both her grandchildren after all!

I'm not at all sure that children do get spoilt by giving them things they really want. I think spoiling can more often be the result of a too laid back attitude when dealing with bad behaviour, on the part of the parents.

I'm still catching up with the threads, after a week away.

for jingle and elegran for their comments

I tend to agree with jingle it is more about the way you behave with children than what you buy them when they are small.

Our DC all now remember the things we did with them and not anything bought for them. One of them really seems to believe that in all those holidays in our touring caravan in UK it never rained and the sun shone all the time! Presumably that is because we did things when it rained instead of sitting around moaning about it.

The same DS discovered some years ago the pleasure of buying really appropriate presents for others. He gets a huge amount of satisfaction out of finding the right present and doesn't worry if he spends more or less on one of us. Our family buy each other the presents each one can afford and no one makes financial comparisons. Why would we?

Why, thank you kindly Iam64.

I can understand that If money is tight then an unsuitable gift can be a real irritant,especially if the donor wants to impose their way of life on to you. My late MIL was a bit like this. She always wanted us to be blueprints of her and her daughter's family and they would talk about going up to London for a show. One year she gave us four tickets for seats to a musical which she thought was wonderful. They were very good seats and we were obliged to buy train tickets meals overnight stay to something we didn't want to see just to keep the peace. Please don't say we should have sold them on or just not gone because the fallout would have gone on for a lifetime. We had already blotted our copy books by going to live Oop North rather than the genteel Bath/Bristol area and were never really forgiven. So I sympathise with Ethel B about people using presents to manipulate .

I love buying my DGC ( within reason) anything they want. I get a lot of pleasure from it and the look on their faces is worth every penny.
Unlike some of you, I did remember the relatives who gave us 'expensive' gifts. These were gifts that we would never had had from our parents in a million years, and I loved them for it.

My parents were comfortably off, kind but very frugal. My father died just before my first DD was born so I think I expected my mother to spoil her a bit to help get over her loss.....She didn't.

My in laws were very generous and bought the kind of expensive presents that we wouldn't have been able to afford at the time, like a garden swing and their first bikes.

Our children grew up loving their grandparents in equal measure. When Mum died they put a tribute on facebook, joking about her feeding them sponge fingers dipped in ice cream, playing nursery rhymes on the piano and not snitching on DS when she caught him having a crafty fag when he'd always told us he would never smoke.

There was never any competition between the grandparents and we didn't play one lot off against the other.

Children will make up their own minds.

I agree with you merlot, children take their grandparents as they find them and love them accordingly.

It seems strange, to me, to love relatives just because they could afford expensive gifts, petra.

Ana. I give up. I was going to write a long post explaining what I wrote. But there's no point, is there? It will only turn into ' you said this' ' I said that'
I know what I meant, and that's good enough for me.
So it's goodbuy to one and all.

I know what you mean, Petra. When I passed my 11+, a friend of my parents bought me a writing bureau, so I had somewhere of my own to work, rather than on the kitchen table. No way would my parents have been able to afford it, with three other children to buy for.
I kept that bureau until it more or less fell to bits in a move.

I am not sure whether I agree or disagree that a grandparent can spoil a child with too many expensive presents - it only becomes a problem when the child starts to expect it as a right.

All I can say is that my dearest BF used to say that having grandchildren 'adds a new dimension to our shopping trips' - as she lived a distance from her grandchildren she used to buy gifts and clothes when we went shopping and take them as surprises to be opened each day when she went to see them, as well as lovely birthday and Christmas presents. I also used to go shopping a lot more with her and buy more things - mainly clothes and books - for the DGC.
However, my BF died suddenly when her DGC were very tiny tots and who would ever have begrudged her the joy she used to have in buying and giving them lovely things when she was alive.

That's all I have to say, can't say any more, feeling tearful. Life's too short and unexpected to get upset about which grandparent is giving more than another.

Roseqyour right life's too short.