Loss of friends

I understand - in the last 15 months I have lost ( and I use that word because it is such a loss) my two best ( yes really best) friends. One I’d known for 68 years and one for 54 years. Different types of bereavement are not in competition and the death of dear friends has its own particular sadnesses. Friendship is special and whilst I have other friends, these two remain woven into my life. One of them was there for me during my husband’s illness and death ( the other was terminally ill at the same time ). Have you anyone you talk to about your friends? My DD had known both of them all her life and loved and was loved by them both and so we can share memories and I can talk about them to her which helps. I haven’t any solutions - grief and loss are not things that can be tidied up and put away but as I said talking about them helps. I’m also still in touch with the children if one of them and the husband of the other and that helps me ( and also I hope it helps them a bit)

I’ve no advice to give you as only you know how you feel and how it has affected you.
I can only say how very very sorry I am for this difficult time you are having. Sending you a warm hug. X

I have experienced similar feelings jenpax. I was very upset when a friend of mine was drowned at sea and it took a long time for me to come to terms with it. I almost felt that I had no right to grieve as much as I did as I was not a relative.

The second time was when one of my friends committed suicide by hanging herself. I not only grieved, I was also wracked with guilt for a very long time in case I had done or said anything that might have tipped her over the edge. I spent a lot of time going over recent conversations in my head and also looking for clues as to why she did it (there was not note). I literally had nightmares about it for quite some time.

In both cases I struggled with a great deal of grief that some people may have judged as unseemly.

Magenta - how hard to have to question your right to grieve or think your grief might be judged unseemly. Both deaths of your friends were hard and especially the one who died by suicide. I think perhaps in general society underestimates the impact of the death of friends - and especially as we get older.

Nobody can know the depth of grief someone else feels. I remember a friend apologising when in floods of tears when her old dog died.
I don't think grief can be quantified by how much others think you should feel.

The feelings of guilt for grieving for a dear friend, because you're not a family member, resonates strongly with me. I've very recently lost my dearest friend of almost 45 years and am struggling not just with the misery of losing her but also the feelings of shame that her family's loss and grief is much greater than mine. I'm trying to hide my grief from everyone in case it's seen as being unseemly too; like I shouldn't feel so devastated in comparison to her family. But despite having lost many family members over the years, I've never felt so grief stricken or adrift as I do right now. I dread anyone asking about her death or funeral because I can't hold back the tears and I'm embarrassed about that too; this strength of feeling shouldn't belong to me.

Thanks Tulip

I sympathise with jenpex as I feel they might be feeling, as I did, that somehow their grief is not as valid or should not be as intense, if they are not related to the deceased.

I feel the same way about the way some people dismiss the grief felt when a much loved pet dies.

I should add that I do not wish to diminish or discount, in any way, the grief felt when a spouse or other family member dies.

Wotapalaver

The feelings of guilt for grieving for a dear friend, because you're not a family member, resonates strongly with me. I've very recently lost my dearest friend of almost 45 years and am struggling not just with the misery of losing her but also the feelings of shame that her family's loss and grief is much greater than mine. I'm trying to hide my grief from everyone in case it's seen as being unseemly too; like I shouldn't feel so devastated in comparison to her family. But despite having lost many family members over the years, I've never felt so grief stricken or adrift as I do right now. I dread anyone asking about her death or funeral because I can't hold back the tears and I'm embarrassed about that too; this strength of feeling shouldn't belong to me.

Oh Wotapalaver your post made me feel so sad for you. I can only say what I believe - that different types of bereavement are exactly that - different. Not greater or lesser. Surely people who care about you will sit with you and listen while you talk about and cry for your friend? If you haven’t anyone, then I’m really sorry. Is there anyone else you’re in touch with who was also a good friend of hers? But please the strength of feeling does belong to you. When my DH died, his close friends cried with me and still tell me how they miss him - that is such a comfort that he was loved and is missed by others as well and hadn’t disappeared from their hearts

I lost a good friend suddenly and then my sister from illness within six months and both losses were full of grief. To lose family and friends feels as though the building blocks of life are being dismantled and it’s so painful. I’ve recently lost my husband and yes, that’s a different kind of grief, but I don’t think it means someone else’s grief is diminished - you are allowed to mourn your friend.

I’ve been - what is the term - taken aback? Astonished? Amazed? None is quite right but I’ll use ‘taken aback’…at how some of our friends have reacted to my dh’s death. They clearly feel his loss profoundly and I’ve had some beautiful letters and messages, expressing emotions and sympathies in the loveliest ways. Their grief does not diminish mine, if anything it justifies it, not that I need justification.

I hope you find some calm, Jenpax. X

When my best friend of 55 years died suddenly last March just 12 weeks after her husband and brought the toll of friend and family deaths into double figures .I was distraught .I was at the GP surgery for a gynae checkup and the doctor asked how I was feeling in myself and I dissolved in a heap of tears .
She did offer me “something to take the edge off” but I think that grief is something we need to work through and not medicate.
We,ve lost 4 more family and friends since then and I,m not coping well.I pick up the phone to call my lovely friend and realise the person who was my go to,who could reminisce about silly things and laugh with isn,t there .I,m struggling
My OH says get some pills?
It’s not my way so I meditate and exercise and keep busy but there’s a huge gap where there was the best friends ,aunties and neighbours That’s a gap I.ll never fill.
I suppose it will just take time.
You can and should grieve for as long and in whatever way you need to.
My thoughts are with you.

I went to two funerals in a week Christmas before last, another last October, all friends of many years. Since then I have heard of the death of a friend of my teens who I had lost touch with and concluded that the visit from another of 30 years standing, who had terminal cancer, a couple of years ago, was the last I would get as the promise of "I'll check in every six months" never happened. During Covid I lost a friend of over 50 years.

It is the "Do you remember?" moments I miss most. The people with shared memories. There aren't many left now.

I understand why my Aunt stopped going to funerals. I asked her why she wasn't going to the funeral of an old friend of hers and she said "There have been too many. X (a mutual friend) is going and she can tell me about it if I ask". The next time I mentioned it to my Aunt I discovered that X had collapsed at the funeral and died in hospital the same day.

My DH died 8 yrs ago and in the same year my daughter had a stroke at 50 and I lost my sister my MIL and 3 long term friends, I wanted the World to stop and let me off. At the same time my lovely GS who was 7 was diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumour that needed urgent surgery. I was so intent on him and his recovery my grieving went on to the back burner. I suppose by the time he was recovered and ind in remission I had come through my grieving without realising it. Of course I still miss those that passed but thankfully my daughter recovered and my GS will be 13 next week and so far no recurrence.
Sorry I couldn’t stop once I started. I’m grateful to be here to tell the story. I know it’s hard to lose a friend and all those shared experiences but we have the memories.

Condolences to all who are bereaved. We also have lost 3 close friends who we met at University. Although we lived in different parts of the country we met up frequently staying with each other and going on holidays together. Our children all know each other well.
It is a shock, it does make you reflect on your own mortality. The most recent friend who died, was an incredible shock, especially to my DH. Of course it is not the same sense of loss as it is to their wife and children , but hopefully we have been an understanding support to them.

I know exactly how you feel and I am very sorry that you have had two good friends dying within a short space of time and with no warning.

Not that it makes it easier, in my opinion, if we do know in advance that a good friend, or a family member is likely not to live much longer.

I hope when the first sorrow passes you will be able to remember the good times with your dear friends.

I know exactly.
Two funerals in a week at the start of the month.
A relative and a very dear friend who died unexpectedly during a routine operation.
The shock has been enormous.

I've lost several friends mainly due to cancer ,but two in tragic car accidents and one from an asthma attack .
I had prepared myself for the deaths caused by cancer and still grieved ,but the sudden death of other friends has been really hard to take .
They never married or became parents.
They will always be young .

Grief is so painful no matter what the circumstances .

I certainly sympathesise with your feelings .

Im not close to my family so I feel it even more when a friend dies. A male friend died unexpectedly this time last year. Summer is bringing it all back to me. He was admitted to hospital with pneumonia and his death was completely unexpected. He was an ex partner of my nephew and I know he is still badly affected although they were no longer a couple.

I still have some of his messages on my phone and have not deleted them. He had a wonderful zany sense of humour and came to visit me about once a month. We had some wonderful chats.

I miss him.

I feel for all of you here as I still miss my mother who died 61 years ago because I am sure If I had been at home with her she wouldn’t have died when she did, and I feel guilty over things I shouldn’t have said to my grandmother and so miss her too. Why can’t we get used to loosing people as it’s so natural

It is possible to put grief 'on the back burner' but it has to come out eventually. I had a miscarriage many years ago. It was quite early in the pregnancy and after my hospital stay I busied myself preparing for my DD's birthday and my mum's visit which were happening the following week. Some weeks later I arrived at church and a member of the congregation who wasn't even a close friend, more an acquaintance, asked how I was. It was the trigger I needed and I burst into tears. She ended up with a very soggy shoulder. I was very grateful to her for her timely question. So often people ask how we are and we say we are fine when we really aren't! It is important to have friends who will give us the opportunity to unload. I hope those of you who are grieving will find that friend to allow you to share your feelings when you need to. Don't feel guilty if it takes time!

A long time ago I was asked to deliver some training to newly appointed wardens of sheltered housing schemes over a number of weeks. The training package was developed by the Open University and I will never forget the section entitled ' Older Age is About Loss'. About how we all - if we survive so long - have to deal with the loss of important people in our lives; and at some point the deterioration of our own health and abilities. Everyone had so much to say and to share on this topic.

There is nothing to be ashamed of in grieving for any of these losses; and, in my experience, friendships can sometimes prove to be more valuable than some family relationships.

Take care of yourselves, all of you who are going through such difficult times.

Just to add to all the other lovely voices on here.
My two best friends died in 2020 and 2022. My only family are my two children who because of distance l see rarely. These friends meant the world to me and took me through all the years of a rotten marriage, my mother’s death, becoming a single parent and lots of health conditions. Not a day goes by without me missing them and thinking about them. Life can be wonderful but it can also be incredibly hard xx

So sorry for your losses, it is so distressing to lose anyone you are fond of regardless who it is. My darling neighbour died this morning at 4 am, totally unexpected. So quick and the family are grateful for that but of course devastated and shocked too as we all are.

So sorry to hear about your loss. You are right, it's a real loss when someone you have known and loved for so long disappears from your life.
A dear friend of 55 years was told she had sciatica. She struggled on for ages only to discover it was bone cancer. A trip to the Royal Marsden confirmed that she had a gene which accelerated the growth of the cancer and she died soon after.
It's inevitable as we age that we will lose dear friends. Dealing with it is another thing altogether. I hope you find someone to talk to about your losses.

We lost six members of our family in 2019. What I got from it was to make the most of people while they are here. If you do find someone is a bit 'off' at this age, it could be that they have received bad news they can't share. I also try not to judge/want to be right/or have a go at someone. You just never know what they are going through. Best just smile and support or slipstream. None of us know what is around the corner. Be kind.