I miss the woman my daughter was before she lost her husband

It must be so hard for all of you. She will I am sure gradually surface from this awful grief and become a new person - never quite the same. But you will have been walking beside her and helping her on this journey, and will love the new person she becomes, just as you walked with her through all the other changes in her life: baby to toddler to schoolgirl to teenager to wife. Just as you loved the new people she became as time passed you will love the new woman who emerges from this terrible grief.

Pleasebenice

Thank you for the kind messages. It is good to know that most of you understood my pain. Of course I grieve the loss on my dear SIL. This is new territory for us all and I had not expected to also grieve the daughter I used to know. Her pain is so hard to watch and at the same time I am in awe of how she has risen to the challenge of raising their children alone.

You show wisdom, love and caring in that comment. Your daughter is lucky to have you

I can empathise conpletely with this. My DS lost his lovely wife seven years after they married. A truly devoted couple, we didn’t think he would ever be the gregarious, humorous, larger than life chap he had always been. It was the hardest time of our lives but little by little, with the support of our family - and his wonderful RAF family - he put his life back together. I am sure your daughter will too. This is never going to be a scraped knee that you can put a plaster on but it will heal with time and you will have your girl back.

Thank you for the kind messages. It is good to know that most of you understood my pain. Of course I grieve the loss on my dear SIL. This is new territory for us all and I had not expected to also grieve the daughter I used to know. Her pain is so hard to watch and at the same time I am in awe of how she has risen to the challenge of raising their children alone.

Some rather harsh comments amongst the more helpful ones, in my opinion.

I think you expressed your feelings very well Pleasebenice.
You feel desperately sad for your daughter and although the change in her since her husband died is understandable, it’s clearly very upsetting for you to see.

All you can do is to continue to fully support her, as I’m sure you already are.

This post brought home to me how my Mum felt when I lost my husband in 2006. She was there for me no matter what. One learns to live with grief one day at a time in my experience. It changes you in ways unimaginable. 19 years later I am stronger for all I have experienced in life.

How very sad - we feel our children’s pain. The OP is hurting because her daughter is grieving - that’s all. Nothing wrong with that - what she’s trying to say, in her own way, is that she wishes her daughter didn’t have to face this loss. I’m sure she loved her s.i.l. He was her daughter’s ‘beloved husband’.
Most of us would not have faced such devastation, but in a very minor way, I felt my daughter’s pain when, one morning, she tearfully told me that her husband had left her for someone else. Having been through the same, I felt her pain.
Be there for your daughter …..

Both you and your daughter are grieving. It takes time to learn how to live in a new reality. Ofcourse you miss who your daughter was; that is human and understandable, not selfish. Be patient; dont beat yourself up for that sadness and missing. Give it all time and be there for your daughter as she is now and help her over time to find a new version of herself that is living in her new reality. 💐

I'm sorry you and your daughter are grieving. Our experience with a daughter who lost her spouse - it takes quite a long time to come to terms with what has happened - give grace, empathy and patience.

Some very thoughtful posts for you Pleasebenice
and I hope they are helpful to you.
Of course you will feel sad that your daughter has lost her sparkle, but I also think you realise this is to be expected, but wish that you could make everything better - I do not think you are being selfish at all, I think you are grieving for what was and wish it could return, but know that things can never be the same as they once were.
In time, your daughter might ‘sparkle’ again, but for now that is some way off, she is grieving and probably feels bereft along with the very many other emotions that hit us after the loss of a loved one.
Give it time, and continue your support. One day, you may see the beginnings of a smile in your daughter once more, but at the moment everything is so very raw for her.
I wish you all well.

I can uite understand why the OP is missing the daughter her daughter was once. She too is grieving and while the greatest loss is her daughters, I find this ranking of grief most distasteful.

'My grief is matters more than your grief, because I am the wife/mother and you are only a sibling/in-law Yay Yay ye yay yay' What a way to think.

When someone dies the grief ripples out like circles in water and hits everybody differently, Of course the widow/mothe/husband/father must be first in our thoughts - except that some spouses may be relieved to see the end of their spouse or a parent.

I can remember when my sister died, once my parents had made their sudden return from holiday, my surviving sister and I were ignored, our grief didn't matter any more, only our parents grief. Why would we grieve over a sister.

Grief is grief and we all grieve over different things in every way. yes, the OP's daughter is the greatest loss, but she has very reason and right to grieve the loss of the daughter she used to know.

I’ve just lost my husband, after a long marriage. I’ll never be the person I was before, I’m certain. I think your daughter will likely also be a changed person - that’s what life events do, they change us, for good or bad.

I hope at your DD’s young age she will find happiness again but in the meantime you need to allow her to mourn the loss of her husband and the life she thought she’d have. It takes a lot of energy to cope with these things, she’s probably exhausted and sparkling is the last thing on her mind.

After such a huge loss, she may never be that person again.

I miss the person I was before my husband died. We were 43 years together and in our seventies when he died. I try and count my blessings, one of which is we were happy and brought up our children who were mid thirties when their dad died.
We do lose our sparkle in the face of such a big bereavement. Be gentle with her

Completely natural to want your daughter to be happy. If your child is unhappy you are too. She is grieving and very few sparkle at this sad time.
Just help her as much as you can. She will be happy again but it takes time.

The loss of mt DH 20 weeks ago has changed me im not the same person members of my family keep pointing it out to me im at a loss i canr wioe out 57 years in 20 weeks and how i was before ot happened i am totally heartbroken and lack interest in anything eating, sleeping and genwral stuff i miss him immenselly slowly given up on life , death can and does change you. Take care everyone xxx

I get it. As a mother you are empathising strongly and you are feeling a great deal of the hurt that your daughter feels. You are hurting because she is hurting so much and you long for her to be able to find some sort of happiness again. I don't think this is selfish.

I am sure that you are grieving for the man who made your DD happy as well.

Not an inappropriate user name at all petra.

I've nothing to add to the responses from Oreo and foxie which I hope you'll take on board and I'm sorry for your D's loss .

Just walk with her and hold her hand one day in the not to distant future she will get her sparkle back.

It's very difficult to watch our children in pain and feel helpless because we can't do or say anything to make them feel better. I don't think it's selfish tbh I think it's natural. One of my children went through an extremely difficult break up which coincided with a very stressful period in her work life. I saw the light go out of her and she was just so sad and shut down that I wondered if she'd ever come out of it. She struggled on but eventually got some counselling which really did help her to come to terms with what had happened to her. She also made some positive changes in her work/life balance and I'm pleased to say that five years down the line, she's in a really good place and is back to being the happy, outgoing person she used to be.
Don't lose heart, bereavement takes it's own course, your daughter is still there but ATM she's struggling to come to terms with her new reality and that will be very hard for her. I coped by talking to friends about my worries for her, whereas with my daughter, I tried to be a good listener. I think sometimes as parents we want to find solutions for our children, wave our magic wand and kiss things better but sometimes we don't have the means to take away their pain and that can feel very tough but our solid, stable presence can be a rock for them when everything else around them has been shaken to the core. I send my best wishes to you.

I can understand that. I could mourn the change in character of a DD I loved in those circumstances too.Yes it may be selfish but we’re all human too.
In time your DD will recover some sparkle but if she really loved your SIL this is going to take a long time.
All you can do is be patient and be there for her.

Inappropriate user name considering the content of the post.

I’m sure she misses her old self too.

If you miss the “bright, happy young woman” your daughter was, how do you think she feels?
I could understand if you were grieving twice over, once for the young man whose life was cut short and once more on your daughter’s behalf.
But your reaction does sound very selfish.
I don’t wish to sound unkind - but it’s not all about you.
Try to put yourself in her place instead of wishing for a time before this sadness.