Sometimes it’s just the small things that press the bruise isn’t it? 😢

FGT I have those nudges all the time. Every time I run out of toilet roll. DH always restocked. Seeing mince pies on the shelf at Christmas had me running out of Waitrose in floods of tears. Every shop I went in to seemed to be playing Elvis,
It will be lonely this Christmas without you to hold.
Seeing DH’s glasses sitting on his bedside table. His favourite biscuits in the fridge. That toblerone he didn’t get round to finishing (it’s still there). So many, many nudges and they are still happening.
People say it’s early days as though it’s ok to feel this bad. Nearly two years for me and I have no idea how I’ve made it this far. The early weeks when I thought I was going insane shrieking and wailing,
My dear sister in law asking me innocently if things “were getting back to normal yet”!
Yes all those well meaning people who suddenly vanish from your life.
As for writing cards. I have told family I will have to keep putting DH’s name on to them. I can’t write a card excluding him.. They understand and are ok about it.
I thought I’d be able to keep occupied, sewing, reading etc. No one ever said I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on anything,
More than that is the loneliness which gets worse not better the more time passes.
Sending big hugs to all going through this.

FGT2 I don't post that often, but always read your posts on the Good Morning thread. I just wanted to offer my support and send you a virtual hug. I still have my DH, thankfully, and can't imagine how I would cope if I lost him even though I am very close to my children and GC, who live very nearby.

Sending you all my best wishes and kind thoughts.

I’m so sorry for FGT and everyone crying for someone lost.
When my father was killed his clothes and watch were returned and I couldn’t believe that his watch was still ticking whilst he was so suddenly gone.

FGT what a sad time for you. I remember the very physical pain in the early days. I’ve not had an easy life, but that sharpness was something new. Real daggers of pain. They ease, but it’s a whole new world.

I remember walking round a supermarket in silent tears and not bothering if it was noticed, grief is so much bigger than that. Even if you love life, as I do, you somehow want to join your DH as it feels so lonely.
The small jars of Vaseline in a drawer he kept for his dry skin…little things and as for music he loved, I have to turn it off.

Thinking of you FGT🙏🏻💐

Interestingly our take on grief just illustrates how different we all are. I have already written out some birthday cards in these weeks, my name only and was fine doing so.

Supermarket shopping has me grateful I’m not anxiously scouring the shelves in tears, looking for foods suitable for someone with an oesophageal mesh stent. So many foods would ‘snag’ so weren’t allowed by the hospital dietitian and then the restrictions on what he could eat weren’t easy either as he didn’t like them. I cried many hot tears last year in Sainsbury’s, constantly panicking, reading labels for hidden no-nos. So now? A joyful shop. I can buy whatever I fancy. Lucky me.

But … crikey, setting the table for one is hard isn’t it? Solo dining seems so sad to me. I’ve gone from living at home with my mum, dad and sister to being married at 20y, having never lived on my own before. I’m navigating choppy waters as best I can. It’s a whole new way of being.

Where do I fit in this New World order?

It's over 6 years since my husband died, and in a lot of ways life just goes on. My son lives with me now so there's someone to do the heavy stuff, and bring things home if I forget them. Obviously my two children are always here for me,but I can't help feeling that there's no one who cares the way my husband would have done. They would be upset if anything happens to me, but there wouldn't be the depth of feeling there was between the two of us.

Ah you are all so lovely, sharing your own personal ‘pinches’ or just for darned well caring. Thank you.

Sometimes I think I’m going bonkers, my actions are so weird. For instance, a couple of days ago whilst washing my hands at the bathroom sink, I realised the sliver of soap in my hands was the last bar we had shared. I put that tiny piece of soap to one side as a keepsake. 🤷‍♀️

FGT, it’s horrible, isn’t it? But they are still early days for you. You are doing so well, but there will always be the unexpected ambush!
It’s now nearly 4 years since my own darling died. I have learned to cope, but it’s the silly little things that set me off.
My worst was the first Christmas, I was in B&M with DD, I saw chocolate covered Brazil nuts. DH loved them.
My crying was done as I woke up, alone in my big bed. It’s horrible isn’t it?
It does get better, these “soggy days” as I call them, get fewer, but there still are days where I hide and howl.
Accept that all this is so much part of grieving. And never forget that “it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all”!

And, I agree, eating alone is horrible, boring and sad. I used to love making lovely dinners.
Now? Although I eat properly, good nutritious meals, I make 4or 5 portions and either eat one a day, or freeze them and fish them out when I need to eat. Food no longer interests me.

FGT, it's very early days for you and my experience is, whenever these moments of naked grief and loss hit, don't even try to fight it. They are inevitable and a part of the massive emotional adjustment from being half of "us" to being only "me".
So many things have been said here that I can relate to; the little things that catch you unawares, you are absolutely not alone.
Six and a half years on and now (unexpectedly) happy with a new partner I am still caught out. Last week, I decided to clean out the bathroom cabinet and found a half-used bottle of my husband's favourite cologne. That completely knocked me sideways; I sat on the loo seat and bawled my eyes out. No way I could chuck that bottle out. It went back on the shelf.
My new partner can relate to much of this. We live a contented life and love each other dearly but both accept that our dead partners will always be a huge part of our lives. Sometimes, I will come across him crying because his wife's favourite song was on the radio or he has woken from a dream about her.
Be kind to yourself, dear FGT and don't let anyone tell you what's normal. We each grieve in our own way and it's my belief that it's never ending. With time, the pain will become more manageable but that huge loss will always be a part of who you are now. 🫂

fgt Sending you a big hug, I have no words

I still make lovely dinners even if they’re just for me because DH would have hated me to give up something that always gave me a huge amount of pleasure. I no longer set the table though unless I’m entertaining family or friends.

I live like a student with meals on a lap tray in front of the telly. I have got one pot meals in a bowl, albeit cooked from scratch with the best ingredients I can afford, off to a fine art. When DD recently helped me with decorating and remarked my garden room must be a lovely place to have breakfast, looking out at the garden, I thought, if only you could see me in my PJs watching breakfast telly, munching toast and marmalade😂
Everyone’s journey is different. I’m hard wired to ‘just get on with it’ - picking myself up from moments of anguish got easier as time went on.
If only we could fast forward those early days. We can’t of course but they’re a necessary part of defining who you will eventually become.

Reading your posts is like my own new life being reflected back at me. I thank you all for being so candid about this journey we are so loath to go on.

I am only four weeks into my new widowhood and so far haven’t had any ‘rejections’ from friends. Maybe that’ll happen after the funeral which is next week. I can say though, that I’ve yet to hear a word from my only remaining sibling of three, a brother. I’ve informed him about Dh and sent funeral details but I have not had so much as an ‘I’m sorry’ from him.

Maw your post gave me food for thought. I might stop sending Christmas cards altogether from now on. I could write letters to people this December, tell them our news and say that I won’t be sending cards any more. No soft soaping about charity donations! I’ll put my email address, if they want to keep up in that way.

I’ve always been an eat to live person, Grandmattie so understand your attitude towards food. I’d be quite happy to take food pills, if there were such a thing. Tonight I absentmindedly picked up two sets of cutlery for the table - that brought me up short. I suppose at least I can read at the table without it being considered bad manners! I’ve also begun to listen to podcasts at dinner time. Some kind friends gave me a lovely radio to help fill the silence and I can stream to it from my phone. People talking is soothing as well as interesting.

I’ve kept dh’s toothbrush head, FGT. I’ve ditched other things such as his mouthwash and old slippers but not that. One of the DS’s went off with a newish sports jacket Dh had this week! I’m glad to see it being used.

I can relate to what you say about friends. When my DH was in hospital for 9 weeks before Christmas the people who supported me were ones who I did not expect and others who I thought were really good friends were not there at all.

I admire how you are coping but understand how difficult it must be.
Sending you love and hugs.

Please don’t give up sending cards if that’s what you did as a couple. It hurts like hell in the early days to sign your name because it looks alone and adrift but five years down the line I’m proud of where I am and I sign my name accordingly.
When DD1 died I overheard a friend telling DH how stoic he thought we both were. DH replied, ‘It is what it is and we have to get on with it.’
I lost him 18 months later so ‘getting on with it’ which included selling our home and moving to an unfamiliar town to be nearer to DD2, was all down to me. It took all my strength and courage and I ended up in hospital with stress related heart problems but I bounced back.
It’s what we do isn’t it?

My DH died 5 years ago of COVID, we thought we both had a slight cold, but his got worse. We did tests on Christmas Day, his came back positive on Boxing Day and he was admitted to hospital that day. We had gale force winds that night, the shed roof blew off and one of the garden gates came off its hinges! He would have fixed them both. It’s when things in the house go wrong that I really feel his loss., because I don’t know what to do.
My next door neighbours are brilliant at helping out luckily. When he died we were in one of the many lockdowns so I could only see people from 2 metres away!
It still looks odd to see just my name in a card I’ve written.
We just have to get on with life although it will never be the same. Sometimes I’m quite amazed at some of the things I’ve had to deal with.

Cards were becoming a chore anyway, Merlotgran so this seems to be an opportune moment to change my habits. It’s months until that season that must not be mentioned occurs - I might change my mind by December!

I remember your daughter and dh’s story very well, my heart went out to you then and still does now. You’re right though, we go on because there’s no alternative. X

FGT being a widow isn't for sissies and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. I have been widowed for 22 years since I was 45. We knew from the start in January 2001 my husband wouldn't live 5 years . But once the cancer was removed and skin graft only me and our children knew he was dieing . As in his words he didn't want to be treated as a dead man walking. And he insisted we live and treat eachother the same way we always had . He wanted to get to his 47th birthday he died 4 days later in 2004 in our bed with me and the children. I had to tell him to stop struggling as he was in agony and couldn't breath even on full oxygen. I said we would be ok he died few minutes later. But my husband had to die the cancer was to far advanced and in so much pain . Unfortunately they fitted the morphine pump before I could end his life like we had planned . Our McMillan nurse had told us what dose would kill him and I would gladly have done it and bugger the consequences. He's agony went on longer than it should have .

I have written on other threads on this forum . But love like grief never dies. In my experience my grief gets worse as the years go by. I took me 2 years to stop counting the years ,months ,weeks,days and minutes from when he died. I talk to him everyday as it makes me feel better ,have shouted at him for dieing ,swore at him ,blamed him for things , screamed and thrown pillows then I see him with that stupid grin on his face as if to say feel better and I do.

Even after all these years bone crushing grief can hit me out of the blue but I don't fight it and cry .

Grief like love is a personal thing . And going through the stages of grief effects people differently. The rage and anger I feel over my husband is what had kept me going everyday . I have been told I am wicked to feel this way . But I use it in a positive way . It's what gets me out of bed every morning and living my life to the full.

If we didn't love them we couldn't grieve . I would rather grieve than never have loved. My husband was the other half of me and I was his . I haven't been whole since his last breath. But learnt to cope it took years . I am still married ,still Mrs and still have a husband that wouldn't change until the day I die.

I glad early grief the first 10 years. But it took me 14 years to stop reliving the last 2 weeks of my husband's life it was like watching a black and white film. It only stopped when our daughter found out and told our son . Normally they text on his death day and said I was fine and had cried. But that day she phoned and it all came out . Both of our children told me I should have told them . But they had their own grief to deal with. But I vowed never to let that happen again and I haven't.

This year took me a week before I cried as I didn't cry on the anniversary of his death . And it was something stupid that set me off and cried so much my eyes hurt and had a pain in my chest. But felt such relief I had cried.

No idea if this helps or makes sense . But I consider myself lucky we had 29 years and married 22 years . I found my one and only and he me . The only person in the world who knew the real me and I knew the real him . Some people live their whole lives and never have that .

The friends thing is hard. It feels as if some could relate to a couple but not a widow. I have found that very hard indeed. Couples we regularly shared holidays, meals, celebrations with .... drifted away now. I guess they don't want a spare part on board. I am part of lots of groups and have friends of course, but not close ... they drift off to their coupledom and I go home alone.

His funeral was immediately prior to lock down so I share that distanced grieving process with others ... maybe that exacerbated the friends drifting away effect.
1 miss physical contact ... a hug, a passing arm round the shoulder ... all of that. Yes ... that more than anything.
I hate watching the jobs pile up that I am not strong enough to do ... plants waiting to go in, rotting garden furniture that needs breaking up and going to the tip, weeding, curtain fallen down .... silly things but we would have tackled them together.
It's bloody hard ... add in serious health problems and some days just feel a chore.
I do my best to stay upbeat for my family, but getting less good at it.

Handholds all round for those in a similar boat.

I have been on my own for a long time but I remember those early days/months/years.
People told me special dates would be hard. They were but often it was some unexpected thing that would set me off. I avoided couples for a while as their closeness would accentuate my loss.
It takes time to be able to think about him and remember his humour and find I'm laughing not crying now.
The first year is very tough and you have to look after yourself and just go with the bad days. They do get less as time goes on but I know that's no comfort now.

I expect my cousin would agree with your first paragraph Luckygirl. She was told by the wife of a couple that three was a crowd.

The friends thing is hard Luckygirl but I have been reflecting on this a bit this morning. If I’m honest, Himself and I always enjoyed each other’s company the MOST. We probably were, to some extent, one of the ‘smug marrieds’ (awful phrase but there you go). We did occasionally meet up for a meal (even a holiday once with a single friend, divorced) but whenever a get together like that was arranged (and enjoyed) we were always very grateful to being back to Just us Two. We used to have a weekly ‘date night’ on a Thursday before Himself’s diagnosis. Which is why I cannot expect to insert myself into coupledom territory, it wouldn’t be fair as deep down I do realise mist couples probably prefer the company of each other more.

So, going forward I will lower my expectations, accept any invitations gratefully as I’d be glad of the company, but I do intend to be very measured, not outstaying my welcome. “Leave when your company would still bid you stay” was the wise advice from my lovely mother in law, back in the day. I shall heed it, whilst at the same time hope for one or two firm offers of companionship this summer.

Oh Beechnut what a harsh thing to say! Especially to someone newly bereaved and feeling as vulnerable as a mollusc in their new state. 😮

Beechnut

I expect my cousin would agree with your first paragraph Luckygirl. She was told by the wife of a couple that three was a crowd.

Heavens ... how could anyone possibly say that? ... the mind just boggles.

I know Fried. She told me many years before I joined ‘the club that no one wants to be in’ and I’ve never forgotten.