Bereavement wipes out everything

Thankyou i will try it , i am tired beds a luxury these days too much vacant space ot as warm and inviting as it once was when my DH warmed it for me first xxx

He sounds like a lovely man.
A real gem.

No one can walk in your shoes. This has to happen to you for you to realise. There can be good days or bad days where the feelings just rush in and swamp you. Small things can spark it off whether you will it or not. Eventually you can learn to live with it but you never get over it. After my son died the one thing that helped me through was raising money for the charity which supports others with his illness. It gave me permission to take part in the world again and have meaning in my life.

As everyone has said grief hurts everyday and it never ends . But as I have said you can't grieve unless you have loved and loved in return . I would rather have this grief daily than never know the love we shared. As we all know married life isn't easy and if you have children it gets harder. But you bring your children up to be adults then let them fly and live their own lives. I still did that as I had to and to be honest had enough on my plate looking after my parents and mother in law. When the children where home I thought I had to be brave for them . They were coping with their grief. I would never say I understood and I know my daughter still misses her dad very much . And she feels responsible for me but like I tell her I can look after myself . From when the children left home to when I moved to live closer to them I had 13 years with no back up. On call 24/7 those who had parents or older relatives you understand when they needed you ,you went no matter the time. My children never know how bad things got and never will.

If those who don't know me my son decided via email 6 years ago 4 days after my birthday to estranged me but not just me but all what is left of our side of the family. Last time I saw his 2 eldest they where 4&2 ,their brother was due in July 2020 don't know his name or date of birth but I wish him happy birthday to the air on his due date I have given him a name as I can't think of him without one.

I am lonely but only for my husband. I found I liked living on my own . At first I thought how will I get through the next 30 years along and it frightened me . But its been 22 years and getting through everyday.

My life was put on hold until I moved here had no life I existed and the house wasn't home my husband was home. Those looking after older relatives or younger ones who need you will understand that. Looking back I don't know how I did it all . But being widowed at 45 younger than many not all on here. I was brought up just to get on with things and you looked after family. I could have estranged my mother in law as I hated that woman for 40 years but I couldn't do that she was family.

I have had mobility problems and constant pain my whole life as I was born disabled. But I was never treated as different. My dad said no such word as can't if I said can not he would give me a look. Said before I grew up with a large extended family and friends . Only when I went to high school I realised I was different and bullied for 5 years.

I vowed I would never be bullied again nor let any children we had be bullied. I told our children if anyone hit,kicked or did anything to them then they do exactly the same to them but harder . And they did.

Grieving and havjng health problems and or mobility problems is hard but there are ways top cope and do what you want. But it takes time especially if you have been married a long time and still counting your grief in hours, days, weeks ,months and early years . I did all that . I hated 1.27pm every Friday for years as that was the time my husband died. Took years to stop clock watching then one Friday I didn't realise I didn't notice the time.

Being disabled from birth meant things where harder but I still did and do to this day things my way . I have never used my disability to stop doing things . My husband saw me not my disability. Also I only found out through having my blood genetically tested that at the age of 63 what I was born with and its a rare hereditary neurological condition. Have visible and invisible disabilities.

But if you have been active and having health and mobility issues later in life is harder especially without the love and support of the other half of yourself. It makes the grief harder.
But I have found disability doesn't mean incapable you have to be inventive and use things in a different way to achieve what you want.

But grieve can and does make you feel you don't or can't do things. But you can't it just takes time. When the other half of you dues I found I was lost and people viewed you differently . But you are the same person under your grief. Especially after the funeral you know who really cares about you as people disappear from your life . Still remember thinking did they only put up with me because of my husband which made me feel worse . Some will understand that feeling.

My husband was a wiseman and knew what I needed to live to live without him and that was a series of promises which I have kept. But we knew he wouldn't live 5 years . I watched him dieing bit by bit everyday once terminal we knew we had months not years. But he had to die there was nothing to help him live. Those who faced saddened death or only knew months or weeks in advanced I have no idea how you cope and wouldn't insult you by saying I understand that. You are in shock plus grief 2 things that shouldn't be mixed together.
As always I ramble on and never know if I make sense . But I would never want anyone to thing they are alone.

Morning Whiff may I say your posts have a way of inspiring me when im really low. Im new to this world of only being a half and most of the time I really struggle with it. I had 57 years with my wonderful man I was very blessed, I have just reached the 18th week of being a half i am distraught cant find how to keep going other than a minute at a time. My heads a muddle my whole body aches like its been clamped in a vice all those weeks since I lost him, im learning the meaning of your expression of bone crushing grief. Your experiences have put your life through the mill and you still find the strength to keep going. At the moment I dont feel i can make 22 weeks let alone 22 years. Sadly my DH passing has caused rifts in the family of which seem unsurmountable, instead of supporting each other they are ripping each other apart, I am glad my DH isnt witnessing all this at this point i didnt just lose my DH but a whole family at a time when we should be holding the ends together. O wish I could summon up the strength to hang onto all these loose ends and pull them back together. Keep posting Whiff as your "rambles," are helping me to try and get a foothold. A big hug to everyone in this quagmire of grief and uncertainty xxxx

Whiffy's a wonder woman.

Mystyeyes11 I think you could have "found your tribe" in the posters on this thread.
They have so much experience and understanding of what you too are very sadly having to live through. Let them support you, trust and believe in what they say.
The sun will shine again for you one day xx

The thought of that sounds wonderful but right now i am under storm clouds with people bullying my way of grieving
Turning it into a competition how can 1 family fight this way and why oh why in totally bereftshedding tears like a tree shedsi its leavesfor gods sake he was my husband surely i have some right to how i grieve for the love of my life o loved him for 57 years unconditionally before he passed andd love him still.im worn out with it all we wwre always together why did he not take me on his last journey with him im broke xxx

Have you heard of kintsugi (I think that's what its called)
Its the art of fixing broken, fragile items by running threads of pure gold into the cracks and breaks.
It then becomes stronger, more unique, and more beautiful as a result.

That will be you, eventually, not now - its too soon, but in who knows what time... i used to sometimes feel that if i stopped grieving it was somehow betraying my girl.
Not exactly betraying, but accepting the unacceptable.

Is that how you feel?
I now realise that the grieving is aways there; it won't go away, ever, but that's something people have to come to terms with for themselves.

I'm so sorry your family is fractured, Mystyeyes11

The last thing you need

xxxx

It’s strange, I am lying here in tears reading your posts. Yet I have barely shed a tear for my dad, or my sister.
I loved the bones of them both but I have this emotional blockage in my chest & just can’t get the tears to flow.
😞🫂

I'm sure one or two of those tears are for your sister and dad, as well as for Mystyeyes11, even if you don't think they are.
I can cry over anything these days but I never could before....

MT62 your emotional support is much appreciated i imagine your tears are very much for your loved ones inspired by emotional overload which i find can and does build up reading the volume of posts brimming with sadness, you may well cry easier now you have opened the floodgates, take care xxx

Perhaps that's the first tiny bit precious thread of gold?
You may have helped someone

Just so x

Speaking words that open another's heart.

I believe hearts should be opened not broken xxxx

My husband died suddenly in February, so I'm still in a state of shock. The last few weeks have taught me a lot about human nature.
At the funeral several people said just ring me if you need help or fancy a cuppa. Well the first two weeks I did reach out to neighbours for lifts to supermarket. and advice on local tradesmen.
Do you know I am shocked at how nobody responded, all of a sudden they were all busy doing things. When I meet someone I know in our village they always look embarrased, are they frightened bereavement is infectious.! So now I am dealing with tradesman who never turn up, and I never have any visitors. I use the bus all the time as I cant drive. Have just started volunteering two afternoons a week. Have a daughter in Yorkshire , and I have Peritoneum cancer , I'm 81 so hoping I wont live too long on my own. One women in the village has taken to stopping me and giving me advice about how to cope on my own, which is difficult to grasp as she is married to a healthy man, and has no idea how much it hurts when your husband dies suddenly. The pain is indescribable. Thinking of you all who are in the same boat as me.

I too lost my husband of 57 years in february he was 84. My whole world in one wonderful man, ive cried every day since. Its true people do just vanish in my neighbourhood I have become invisible. Even my own family have distanced themselves from me, so many arguments since my DH passedI have poor walking mobility and sometimes fall and cant get up. I now find myself trying to work out going out by myself, having spent 4 years in the home as my husbands carer which i would do again in a heartbeat ive lost confidence .i am considering myself to be sat in gods waiting room hoping he calls my number soon rather than later. I wish you well as you go through this horrendous journey, pleasetake care of yourself xxx

I lost a daughter then 3 years later my husband. I can say I still grieve for them. Some days I go about my life nit dwelling on my loss andctgat I am coping and enjoying life. Almost giving myself a pat on the back proud of myself at how I manage to deal with life. Then like a bolt of lightning I'm hit with thinking about what I and they have lost. Grief doesn't seem to go, I think we learn to manage it within our life.

I cant imagine that i will get to that point there doesnt seem a path through it that i can take but like being in an ocean unable to swim and no land in sight treading water as I sink lower and lower drowning in my own tears my chest has hurt since the day he passed so very heavy like carrying a heavy weight. So very sorry for your losses xxx

Thanks mystyeyes & miss adventure.
Oh dear welling up again & I need to go shopping.
I do hope my tears are for my loved ones.
I know how you feel with the chest thing. It’s a real physical pain, isn’t it? 🫂

I’m a widow of 15 months A sudden harrowing death of my husband of 45 years I will never stop grieving him I get on with my life but it’s very hard at times

Getting on with life is all you can do. The alternatives do not bear thinking about.

I'm just going to ask this as a question to GN's in this situation so that Mystyeyes11 may find them any source of help to them.

Not wanting to probe, just in case its helpful; I do know of others who have found it helped but wont try and speak for them:

1. Has anyone found temporary or slightly longer term medication can relieve the depths described?

2. Has anyone found that either bereavement counselling or maybe later, a group, of any help to them.

xxxx

Yes to both Wyllow though not in the early months but I found counselling helped when I understood a bit more about how I was feeling.