Bereavement wipes out everything

HelterSkelter1 thank you. I call my posts rambles as I just write what pops into my head. I am glad I have helped you .
I thought I had to be brave for everyone else I was a fool but at 45 what did I know about bone crushing grief. Thats why I always say don't hold your grief in only wish someone had told me. I know you are going through the stage you feel like I did you had to force yourself to wash ,brush your teeth and hair. Get dressed. As it seems pointless. But you have to . If I didn't I would have let my husband down . Plus our daughter was in final year at uni and son at college. She graduated few months after her dad died and came home to help her brother get through A levels . They both left 2 years after their dad died its what I wanted. Our daughter wasn't using her education and son went to uni. Its what I wanted them to do. They needed to live their own lives.

I had both parents and mother in law to look after until they all died.

Like Allsorts hated the silence so even now when I wake at 5 for the start of taking my tablets classic fm is on . Listening to it as I type. Like Allsorts I felt how can I live the next 30 + years alone . Answer you take it one day at a time. I felt if I didn't speak to people then I wouldn't want talk .

My brother says I have verbal diarrhoea as I am a chatterbox . I make a point of saying hello or good morning as you never know if you are the only person they talk to all day. Have done that since my husband died.

Hopefully this will make everyone smile. Yesterday went to Stonehaven for the day. I had a lovely tapas lunch the was walking alone and suddenly this dog came straight to me dragging its owner he came to my waist and leant on me . I asked the owner if I could pet him . He said that's what he came for. His name was Merlin a greyhound crossed with something very furry. Was told I must be a good person as Merlin picked me out he doesn't go to just anyone. I laughed and said don't know about that. Was told he always trusts Merlins judgement. The man's wife came out of a shop and said she always has to look where they are as Merlin finds people he likes. Had a nice chat with them they had been married 46 years . And we parted

There was a pub and cheekily asked if I could use the loo. Then had a chat with they owner. Outside a large poodle came straight to me her name was Nova . This time it was a young couple in their 20's . Had a chat .

Thankfully I got of over my fear of dogs when my son and daughter in law had 2 . I was attacked twice as a child. And made myself get over my fear.

I seem to mainly attract large dogs . I am no slim Jim but size 16. My husband would laugh his socks off me attracting large dogs. Hope that has given someone a smile.

I have found since I moved to the north west 7 years ago the strangest things happen to me mostly good only couple of things that where bad. But those where other people's choice not mine. But I don't dwell on them and live my life to the full like my husband wanted.

Moving changed my life and may seem odd but glad my husband never lived in my bungalow. When he died our house was no longer home . He was my home . I existed didn't have a life . My bungalow is home and member of sit fit class ,move it or lose it class and a contemporary chorus choir which I go to weekly. I am not a good singer but love singing. Its a choir for people who want to sing . No audition just asked do you sing high or low so said low seems I am an Alto. But I was 61 before I moved and did it on my own . Now 68 looking at my life now I laugh. But I know my husband would be proud of me.

As usual rambled on . Everyone here you are not alone and write how you feel don't hold your feeling in you will be understood. Write what you can't say in real life . Its what I do . We start as strangers but I feel we become friends just by our words. Hugs to you all.

Such a sad post, my sympathies, when we walk the road we never know the grief people we meet are carrying , we have to be kind,

No one can understand how you feel at the death of your other half, I didn't until it happened to me. The first few years are almost a haze, of tears and loss, he was so young, I thought we had twenty to thirty years left together, but fate is cruel, everything you have can be taken in seconds. I live the best life I can, he said do it for me and I try. You are together each day, once alone the silence rings, as soon as I am home either the radio or music goes on.
I recognise what you say Kupari, a neighbour crossed the road from me shortly after he died, years later I asked her why, the answer was she felt embarrassed. We will never do that. I know its a cliche, but do it day by day, minute by minute. I, like Whiff, plan holidays to look forward to, try to get out each day and if I don't meet up with anyone, I go to the shops and go somewhere for a coffee, usually end up talking to someone. Its not the life I planned but I decided to make the most of what I have, no holiday this year as been unwell but hopefully next year, it all takes time.
Glad you felt that happiness Whiff when you crossed into Scotland and that you are enjoying yourself.

Whiff I read your posts in the past when my husband was very ill. And now this morning your post has helped me 6 weeks after he died. Thank you.

For all those who are grieving never fight the tears you will only hurt yourself more. I had said before grieve for the other half of you hurts physically you cry so much your eyes sting and your chest hurts. But it also hurts mentally as it hits you this is it I am alone . The only person who knew the real is gone and you knew the real him or her. Half of me died the moment my husband took his last breath 22.5 years on still missing half of me. Even now its like walking through treacle 1 step forward and pulled 2 back. Doesn't happen as often like it did in what I call early grief thats the first 10 years.

Its bad enough the love of your life dieing but its all the in my day paperwork that goes with death its was never ending. On forms in those days it was single, married, divorced so I wrote across them widowed. At least now widow is an option.

I was 45 and couple friends, the wives acted as if I was after their husbands. As if I could ever replace my husband.

Everyone grieves in your own way. But I will say speak out loud to your loved one every day . I have shouted at my husband for dieing ,swore at him but then I see him with that stupid grin on his face as if to say feeling better and I do.

Unless you have the other half of you die no one understands how it feels . They think they do and try to give you advice but they don't understand. In the early days I had people tell me grief lasts 6 months ,you could marry again . That from married people.

My friend even though her job was as a family counsellor for over 20 years couldn't help herself when her husband died 4 years ago. I always told her until the other half of yourself dies you can't help anyone going through the same thing. Of course she disagreed but she realised I was right and all she had said to grieving husband, wives or partners was wrong.

My grief will die when I do. But not intending to die yet. I made my husband promises and have kept everyone.

My husband last holiday in 2003 was in Gifford in Scotland. I have always wanted to go back to Scotland but not the places we went those memories are precious. I am writing this sitting in bed in Dundee. On the train journey here on Monday once we crossed the Scottish border I had this feeling of overwhelming happiness and told my husband I did it. I saw him smiling .

I have even booked my hotel room for Oban September next year. Because of disability I always stay in Premier inns as they have accessible rooms for walking and wheelchair disabled. They are brilliant. The journey here took just over 6 hours but I have travel assistance. Usually stay 5 days but Oban is over 7.5 hours so going for 7 days as I will be wiped out.

Funny enough being in Scotland I feel my husband closer to me. Its not a religious thing as I am an atheist. Its just we loved Scotland so much .

Grieve your own way but still fight everyday to do things you want knowing the love of your life would want you to. I live my life for us both. But won't do the things we planned together.

Do not let anyone tell you grief ends in my experience it doesn't to me it gets worse as I get older . But you can live with grief but it takes time . And in my experience after the funeral people disappear from your life and you find out who really loves and cares about you. And that hurts. But at least you know .

I know I write the same thing as I have done on this thread and on other threads on this forum but I only write from my own experiences.

Hugs to you all and know you are not alone here you can write and be understood. You can write things you cant say in real life .

Sarnia, I am sorry for your loss.
MystyeyesII, I am sorry you are still struggling so much.
Last week was one year since I lost my DS. I still find it hard to believe that he is no longer here.
Today I went to a bereavement group at my local hospice. I am hoping it will be helpful.

Thank you, Coffeedrinkingthinker for your timely post.

My last sister-in-law died late last night. She was my favourite sister-in-law and we had a lot in common.

I last saw her in hospital on Saturday and hoped she would not keep fighting for much longer. All medical care had been removed and it was heart breaking to see her gasping for every breath. It would have been selfish willing her to go on.

She is at peace now but I will miss her.

Its 7 months 1 week and 4 days si ce i lost my DH of 57 years im totally broken o cry every single day on and off all day. Eating and sleeping are a thing of the past its like being stuck halfway up a mountain with no way off i feel this is where i am always going to be. I joined a church group i thought may help i cant say its made me feel better aktho i am lierally sat waiting fir god just wish he would hurry up. Thankyou for listening.you are all in my thoughts on this seemingly never ending path

I lost my wonderful husband in June and the children their delightful father. So many people have told us of the lasting impact he had on their lives.
I cannot imagine the grief will ever “pass”.

Its 7 months today since i lost my DH as each day passes it gets worse ive crued every day since sonetimes for hiurs on end im still not eating or sleeping very well its never ending. Ive spoke to a vicar who used to be a bereavement counsellor before she ordained. I started going to a church meeting of people who hav.e all had a bereavement. Im told ny dreans indicate im having problems accepting my loss . We were together over 57 years from my being 16 he was and still is my world. I have family i dont see much of they font help much when i do. 1 daughter restricts what i say wont let me tslk about her dad cos it uosets here. Im totally and utterly heartbroken. Devastated i just want to be with him . Every day harder tgan one vefire. I have somw mobility problems dobt go out alone depend on when a daughter can take me she frequently cancels as she has done today. I miss him mire than anyone can understand if they have never felt this way themselves. I wont take medication i dont believe it helps. I feel this is my life from herr on cobstant tears fir a man i love more than life itself. I have no friends we never socialised always happy just together. Did everything together he slways held my hand. Hugged me if i was sad his hug turnrd thevwirld the right way up in secobds and made me smike. I dont smike anymore cant find a reason too. Thanks for listening .

Its six months since my husband died, and it has been a really steep learning curve, and coming to terms with how people treat me!
1. when people ring or send cards saying "if you need anything just pick up the phone". In most cases it means nothing and its just something they say. When you come to ask if you might have an occasional lift somewhere the answer is usually no, and followed by a long winded excuse.
2. When people do stop you in the street and dole out advice, they usually have a partner at home, so have no idea what its like to be on your own without your darling husband.
3. They also insist on saying things like I know how you must be feeling My great aunt died last year etc. Which bares no relation to the loss of one's husband of 40 years that you see every day.
4. We used to be part of a group of 4 couples who got together for a meal etc at each others house. I'm no longer invited. as I was told it would be uncomfortable for me.
5. Some people look embrrased when they pass me by in the street. why I dont know as I always smile and say hello as they walk past me.
I am joining things, volunteering etc and doing what I can to keep busy. However nothing can describe the pain of grief and sadness that is with me every day. I always felt so loved and cared for by my man. Every day we were out doing something. Now there is just silence in the house and his empty chair.
So I would just say if a neighbour or friend is widowed suddenly be kind , but dont make promises of help you have no intention of keeping.

Mystyeyes11 and Janka is still very early days for you both. When your husband's died if you feel the way I still do . Half of you died to . The one person who knew the real you and you them died . Nothing came prepare you for feeling half a person . We knew my husband wouldn't live 5 years he lived 3. Even knowing he was dieing everyday didn't help when he was terminal then died.

If you are like me I counted hours ,weeks,months since he died can't remember when I stopped doing that and hated 1.27pm on Fridays which was the time he died .

Don't put pressure on yourself and expect to cope and don't hold back the tears. I was very foolish and though I was supposed to be brave for everyone else. Didn't let my true feelings out until bedtime. But at 45 what did I know about bone crushing grief.

You may feel like I did and think what's the point of washing,brushing my teeth and hair . But you make yourself do it because you know you husband wouldn't want you to give up. It felt like walking through treacle one step forward and pulled 2 steps back. Plus all the admin that comes with death and waiting for probate to go through.

Janka I felt I had no life I just existed my husband was my life . Our home became just a house . It didn't feel like home without him . Do you live abroad premantly as it's your country or moved for work? If you don't want to say you don't have to say. You look young in the picture and imagine you have years before retirement .

We where together for 29 years and married 22 years . Its been 22 years since he died in February 4 days after his 47th birthday. They longer you where together the worse it will be be . But if you found the other half of yourself doesn't matter if it was a year over over 50 we are very lucky we found the person who made us a whole . Some people live their whole lives and never know that feeling that's why its so hard when they die and you are suddenly counted as single.

Nannee49 you may feel the same as me I am still Mrs and still married my husband was my one and only never wanted anyone else. We where together from when I was 16 he was 18.

You may had made plans for the future things you wanted to do . We did our children where 20&16 when he died in 2004. Daughter in final year at uni our son had started college in September 2003.
Grief never dies you live with it everyday after years you think you can cope and something just hits you and bone crushing grief hits you just like the day he died. If you read what I wrote on the previous page it was opening a box I hadn't touch since moving here 7 years ago and it was full of my husband's collection of scout badges. I was sitting in my garage sobbing my heart out over scout badges. But its what I needed so didn't fight the tears . And then opening the wooden box to find old meccano must be 60 years old as my husband would have been 69 this year. Some of it is bit rusty and couldn't get the top off but know underneath there would have been more plus the instruction manuals . Just don't know what to do with it . I don't want it to just go to the tip.

The badges I put into an album took me to 2 days my husband was a scout ,then,cub,scout and venture scout leader. The badges including all the swaps to my grandsons one is a cub and the other a squirrel. They are following their dad and granddad in the scouting movement.

After my husband died I existed had no life had both parents and mother in law to look after until they died. So moving over 100 miles to the north west finally doing what my husband wanted me to do that's living the best life I came and I do . I have kept ever other promises I made to him. He wanted me to find someone else but told him no . He was and always be my husband my knight in slightly tarnished armour. My one true love.

As usual rambled on and no idea if this helps anyone or not . Excuse any typos and my hands shake all the time and even though I read what I have written still make mistakes.

Big hugs to everyone. Not the same as hugging the love of your life but truly felt all the same .

I do agree that my grief will never disappear. My most beloved husband, who is my everything forever, died last year. I don't feel that it's getting better, especially when I stayed all alone in a foreign country, working hard and fighting for my existence. We can try to cope the best we can, but how deep the love is, so serious the pain remains.

for all the heartbroken and grieving on here and thanks for words of comfort.
It's 26 years ago today I lost my beloved husband from my life. The shock lessens but the grief is always there either whispering in the background or shouting full on like today. My DD is suffering badly too as she was so close to him.

I wish I could forget the date but I'm one of those people who automatically remembers birthdates, anniversaries etc.
Logically I know he'd be so distressed that his passing out of lives causes so much pain, even after all this time, and we try to honour him and be thankful for the time he was here rather than be so sad but it's hard.

Ps typo nothing seems to be getting better for me just the opposite xx

I lost my DH on the 19th februsry this year im now just over 6 months a widow im not voping if anything im worse by the day eating sleeping i fo vrry little of either i sov my heart oit several times a day we were married for 57 years slways the 2 of us joined at the hip. Each day is harder than the one before everything around me is a mess. I have been seeing a vicar ,,(,,who was a grief counseller previously the past 4 wks i go church to a wkly service. Thr people are very nice tge congregation are made up of previously bereaved people. But i cant accept my situation dont know how to live without him he was my world im titally heartbrokem constantly crying as i am now for menithing seems to be getting easier i just want to be with him not here like this reminded every day of my of losing him. I dont brlieve in suicide life is sacred i m at a loss. I wont take medication .Hws been the loveof my life from 17 my one and only i woll miurn him for the rest of my timevtill i am with him hopefully my turn will come sooner rather tgan later fir me tge pain in my cgest from tge moment he passed has never left me. Sorryvjust needed to write it down thankyou. Each and everyone of u are in my thoughts xxx

At 12 years old, I lost my 49-year old mother to cancer, some years later my 36-year old brother to a road accident, another brother and a sister to cancer in the following years, and my last brother to heart attack. I recently nursed my last and closest sister through terminal cancer for 6 months, supporting her much older husband through it and afterwards, and now comes the death from cancer of a much loved ‘boyfriend’ from my teen years. I can honestly say that each bereavement seems to deepen and add to the grief of each and every one before it. I’m talking about the deaths of people very close to me, which affected me deeply. The grief of these particular losses definitely does not fade with time, not for me anyway, and I can’t imagine that I’m the only one affected in this way.

Thank you all. You helped me when I needed it . It was just a shock and all the memories flooding back and seeing his hand writing that was just to much.
🫂

Thank you for sharing, Whiff

There was a large wooden box with his childhood mecanco including instruction books. Most of it rusty. Thankfully thats the last of his things. Can't do anymore . 😪

Just found his leader scout shirt covered in badges I had sewn them on for him and I had forgotten. How could I had forgotten 😢.

Whiff -I think when you have an unexpected reminder of your loved one it can hit you harder than when you plan it.
It sounds like the Scouts were a positive force in your life, as you met your husband through them.

❤️ Whiff.

I am sitting in my garage in tears. I decided to start to tidy it out so I will have room for a mobility scooter.
And looking through a box I haven't opened since I moved here August 2019. And its full of scout badges my husband collected during his time in the scouts ,venture scouts and when he became leader to both. 1st Lower Gornal scout group.

It seems ridiculous to cry over badges but most are cloth and in perfect condition few metal ones. There is even a box with envelopes with the names of the badges are from.

I never looked at them as he had then boxed up in our old garage . He even has a old style Baden Powel hat.

He joined the scouts at 13 to escape his home life that's where he later met my brother who is 2 years younger than he was.

There is even a badge with his name on saying scout leader.

After 22 years never thought I would be crying over his collection of scout badges. But he would be proud to know my daughters boy's are in the squirrels and cub's.

I will see if I have a photo album and put them in there and give them to my grandsons.

My husaband loved the scouts and becoming a leader. I never asked him to give them up when we got married. But he went away for a venture scout weekend and told me when he came back had resigned as his priorities had changed and he didn't want to leave me again.

Lot of the camps before we got married for the scouts or venture scouts I went to and did the cooking .

Still more boxes to go through. But I feel better writing this down. Thank you to anyone who reads this .

Its 19 weeks this week since my DH of of 57 years passed in falling apart cry more and more every day. I miss him so very much I dont want this life without him , he was and still is my life.my world. Still dont eat much or sleep much dont know which way to turn in thoroughly heartbroken. Have made plans to get out a couple times then got let down, cant go out alone in case i fall, cant get up. Spending all my tine weeping for my beloved husband, i doubt i will find a way thru this i love him so much cant let go . In thoughts of all those in their hours of grief. Take care.xx