Bereavement wipes out everything

Its just over 17 weeks now since I lost the love of my life mt DH every day harder than the one before, tears still flowing like an overflowing drain, my eyes sting my chest hurts im still floundering i miss him so very much. I know 57 years is a long time but it wasnt long enough for me. Thinking of all who are going through this right now.

I think grieving is an ongoing process. It doesn't have an end date, and years later something can catch us completely unaware.
There are so many layers to it.

My opinion, for what its worth, is that it takes many, many months to even realise that someone is gone.
And with each realisation, the grief floods in all over again.
Keep trudging on, Mystyeyes11

That's enough for now

Im sat here playing his favourite tunes to him while i weep the many tears poolimg round my ankles , i hurt so very much i doubt i will ever come to terms with it like so many others who have who gone before me, why does love have to hurt so much xxx

I wish i knew the answer to that.
Because you loved him so much, I'd say.
I don't think anyone comes to terms with such a huge loss; it's like having a huge, horrible shaped, almost impossibly heavy stone to carry forward.
I think, eventually, you just learn how to carry the stone so its a tiny bit easier to manage.

My chest has felt heavy since the day he passed like im carrying a bag of wet sand. His loss is imense to me, if i were troubled he would put his arms around me and make everything go away, and i would feel safe in his arms he was my rock, he was my Mr..Wonderful

.

He sounded so very special xx

He does sound like a lovely man.

It's clear how very much you loved him.
I used to get angry, really angry, when people asked me if my daughter would want to see me in such a bad way after she died.

Have you thought anymore about counselling, or some sort of group for widows, perhaps?

Of course, i also got angry when people suggested those kinds of things to me, too.
Perhaps you might consider them in the future at some point?

I may well do as my family arent that supportive so limited in conversation, he was and still is a wonderful man i have been so priveledged to have him for my husband to marry him once but he married me twice for our 25th wed anniversary we were inseperable been with him from first night we met. I was 17 went home with him been with him ever since, he was my world always number 1 to me xx

Ahh.. it's a beautiful thing, love, when its reciprocated.
I think my gp told me that around three months is the right time to maybe consider counselling, or antidepressants, if it is all still so raw and painful to the extent where you're not coping.

As you say, your family aren't overly supportive; I'm sure that makes a difference, too.

MissAdventure

Behind your stoic and often amusing comments I've sometimes sensed there's a heavy heart full of grief that you control for the sake of sanity.

There is.
I keep my grief locked in a box in my head.
Sometimes it bangs continually to be let out, sometimes it slithers out on its own.
I have to keep it packed away, out of sight, or it could overwhelm me, and i fear I'd never come back up to the surface again.
It's never, ever gone to sleep - always there.

In my experience grief never dies but gets worse as the years go by. But love never dies either. Grief is the price we pay for love. I know some here are grieving for children, spouses ,partners and family members.

I would rather grieve everyday for my husband than never have had him in my life. He was and will always be the love of my life and still my husband 22 years on .

I look at the tears that we are still alive and have feelings. The tears are for my husband but its a mix of grief tears and angry tears. I was always prepared to die first but life isn't far but its life. I live everyday for my husband and me . I am doing what he made me promise he was a wise man and we knew he wouldn't live 5 years he lived 3. He knew what I needed to live without him.

And those who see my name I write the same thing because its how I feel.

I think its better that people can post how they feel because in real life unless someone has and going through bone crushing grief they don't understand and expect you to stop grieving. Plus it gets the thoughts out of your head. Grief hurts physically and mentally. But then again loving someone to your very core does as well.

Never fight your grief let the tears flow and in my case the rage and anger I feel over my husband dieing gets me out of bed and doing all the things I do everyday. I have been told I am wicked feeling this way but we all have to use what helps us . This is my way and not going to change.

Grieve your way and people do disappear out of your life but they aren't worthy of being in your life as they show their true colours and they aren't worth a second thought.

Keep posting how you are feeling and know you are not alone and people understand. Hugs 🫂 to all

Whiff you are a very wise lady a lot of what your saying resonates with me, I cant change how I feel or how im grieving to accomodate others be they family or not i feel like my lifes blood is oozing from the wound when I became half from being whole. I would go through this all again in a heartbeat for the love we had and shared my time with him was worth all this and more, like you I will always be "Mrs," and proud to be. My thoughts are with all those going through the pain of loss xx

Whiff your post resonates, I feel grief does not get better and with me it gets worse. Between 2020 and 2023 our beautiful adopted son, my wonderful husband, and my lovely birth son died. They were all expected so grieving starts long before death occurs. I am unable to cry but I have to battle on with a heavy heart. Much love to all you lovely ladies.

Fartooold its true as soon as you know a person is going to die you grieve but when they do die even though it is expected it hits you even harder. You will cry when its time. There is no timetable for grief . Everyone is different. But you had more than your fair share in a short time . Condolences don't mean anything and I wouldn't insult you by saying I know how you feel. I know what its like to lose half of yourself when your husband died. The death of your sons I have no words . But you know that they woud want you to live your life the best way you can .

By posting know that you are helping someone who has or going through the same thing. Lot of people read the threads but don't feel strong enough to post . You have shown great courage by posting . I never write what I don't mean because I can forget so always write the same things but I do a good reason I have a rare hereditary neurological condition. Which means I can forget what I am saying in real life and repeat myself and not know I have already said it . So I never lie because I would be caught out. But that's me.
🫂 to you and everyone who needs one.

Perhaps it's harder to lose your life's partner if you were very young when you got together. You have grown up together, as if rooted in the same soil.
A long and happy marriage is probably the best thing that life on this earth offers.

It is hard Romola. DH and I were together 57 years. I miss him more than words can say. Today two years ago was his funeral. So many memories so much pain but love is worth it.

Thank you Whiff, I always. Love your thoughtful posts and your honesty! Take care.

Romola I meet my husband when I was 16 he was 18. Or I should say my brother sold me. My husband and brother were best friends even though my husband was older. My brother is 16 months younger than me. They where both in the scouts. My husband said get your sister to go out with me and I will by you a pint. I agreed on a date. My large extended family where jokers amongst all their other wonderful ways. Our dad told my brother he had better not be pulling my leg. Anyway my husband came he has an old dark blue mini. The ones in 1975 with the quarter windows and complicated seat belts. In fact he brought my brother 2 pints so he sold me for 34p as a pint was 17p in 1975.

I explained all my health problems and how my life worked. Didn't phase him. We went to a pub. I did drink but had never been in a pub. Remember havjng a brandy and babycham and he a pint. We went for a walk and he needed the loo. Looking back I don't if it was nerves but it became a running joke him needing the loo sometimes where there wasn't one. Instead of taking me in the pub he left me outside by the grave yard by a pub . I was 16 and first date but I made him pay by telling that story for years.

I never thought it would last and he told me he loved me long before I told him . He had 4 other girlfriends before me but they never lasted long he dumped them . Had plenty of boys who where friends and one who wanted to be my boyfriend he's idea of romance was showing me his pigeon loft . But he was a good friend and I didn't want to lose that.

As some with know I was born disabled but I knew I was different my large extended famiky kids I grew up with never treated me as different. It wasn't until high school that my difference meant I got bullied everyday say for 5 years.

When we talked about getting married I told my husband he had to ask me properly and ask my dad . My dad said how many camels are you going to give me. We got engaged on my 18th birthday. And married when I was 23 he was 24. We had both been brought up in houses our parents brought and I had saved since a child so we worked, I saved and our hols where camping . Brought our first house in 1980 and married 1981.This year would have been our 45th wedding anniversary.

His parents never wanted me in their family my father in law told me I was defective to my face. I hated my in laws not because of how they treated me but because they never showed my husband any love or gave him the attention he need. That's why he joined the scouts to escape his home life. He's father wanted to send him to boarding school when he was 13 because he didn't like his friends. The only good thing his mother did was refuse to have him sent to boarding school.

My husband got all the love and attention from my family . My parents never treated him differently to how they my brother and me. We had 29 years as a couple married 22 when he died. Our children were 20&16 in 2004 when he died aged 47 but we knew from 2001 he wouldn't live 5 years.

It took my brother is one his third marriage. His first lasted 2 years and found his wife in bed with his a friend. Second married he had 3 children but his wife who I never liked but she was always treated well as she was family. My husband hated her on sight. They where married 22 years before they divorced . Three times my ex sister in law decide she didn't want to be married. When it finally ended my nephew and oldest niece went with there dad. My youngest niece was 8 so stayed with her mom. Her sister was 10 years older and brother 14 years older.

When my brother meet my sister in law 12 years ago he brought her to see me after 2 weeks and told me he finally had want my husband and me had . They had found the other half of themselves. In September they will have been married 10 years and are renewing their marriage vows. Just the 2 of them . They where going to have a party but logistically turned out not possible . But I told then it will be more special just the 2 of them. My brother will be 67 this year and my sister in law is 64. Second marriage for her. She has 2 sons but unless she contacts them they don't bother with her. My brothers children love her very much and she is a better mom than their own . I loved her from our first meeting and told my brother finally I have someone else to love. Mom got to see them marry and she said finally someone who deserves him.

They are each other's other half and make a whole. She has MS and in a wheelchair when out, unless my brother is with her and they have short walks .

When you meet when young you grow up together and most people are together longer far longer than my husband and me but it doesn't make the grief easier my husband has missed so much . When you have been together longer you have more memories and had more time to do things together. But the grief hits hard. My brother knows one of them will be left alone and how hard it will be. But I tell them to enjoy the now and look forward. They are now now grandparents technically my sister in law is step nannie but I say she is just nannie and I have my first great nephew who I will never see in person as I will never go back to the black country. But I have always had a loving relationship with my brothers eldest kids. With my youngest niece never had that.

I know my rambles go on. Yes longer you love the other half of yourself it is when they died it harder but in my experience it doesn't matter how long you have been together whether its a year or 60 if they person is your other half of yourself then the grief never dies and never gets easier but the love and life you shared never dies.

Doodle people think the funeral is the end of grief but its not to be honest I hardly remember the date of my husbsnds funeral just member the day. And how it felt. Two years Doodle still remember you're heart breaking post when you posted Mr D had died. But like I keep saying I class the first 10 years as early grief. Grief never gets easier you just learn to cope but the bone crushing grief can hit you out of the blue and you are straight back to the day they died.

Fartooold thank you . I just ramble on . But that's me in real life . A GN friend who I see every month for lunch who has another friend who lives close by me said she would like to meet me. And told her Whiff is just like she writes. So once a month the 3 of us go out to lunch and try different restaurants. Funny enough we just clicked . We what's app nearly everyday. My daughter says I have one of those faces. As strangers talk to me . I just say hello and they talk about anything. If I have experience in what they are going through I try and help.

With me what you see is what you get . All of you here take care of yourselves that's what your loved ones would want . Take it a day at a time, tears are not a sign of weakness but love as without love there would be no tears. Hugs 🫂

Wyllow3 he was and still is very special to me I am stuck cant think beyond the very minute I am in the middle of dont know how or where I am meant to be a constant barage of tears I yearn to be with him hes my world, i am totally heartbroken I love him so very much like everyone here i just want hom back xx

Another day of many tears been awake all night weeping for my DH i dread each minute of the day my tears are never ending just dont stop. I miss him so very much, my DH was so wonderful even breathing hurts im crying constantly feel like i just cant go on without him each day worse than the one before why am i even bothering to get up theres no reason to without him, like so many people on here he was myworld, my life my very reason for being if i could just hold his hand once morehe could show me the way forward. Holding his hand or a hug from him used to make everything right he had a magic touch that put the world to rights. I miss you so much my DH so very much. To all on this journey take care xxxc

Mystyeyes we do understand. I thought I was going mad after DH died. I would walk round my lounge wailing and sobbing (don’t know what the neighbours thought) . I was scared for myself. No suicidal thoughts because I love my family so much but like you, how can I gon on like this. Is this what is left of my life now. I used to literally shake all the time. I couldn’t hold my hands still. No matter what I was doing I was thinking of DH and I still am.

I’m fortunate in having, what has turned out to be, a very caring friend. We went out one Saturday into our local town. I was so stressed I was pretending I was ok when all the time I was thinking is this my life now. Is this what I’m reduced to. Walking round a miserable town with most of its shops shut. No interest in buying anything because what did I need now. No need of new clothes or shoes. No interest in food. What was I doing here just wondering round. Then I came across a small area sectioned off where a local rescue home was collecting money for retired animals. They had some donkeys there and one came up to me and I stroked it and felt a smile come upon my face. My friend with me said my face lit up for a while just stroking this gentle creature. It was a start.

People said “he wouldn’t want you to be sad” as if that would stop it happening. Think of all the years you’ve had together …but I wanted more.

I didn’t think there was anyone on earth who felt as bad and sad as me. I had no idea how I could go on another day. I (along with many others here) know how you feel.

If I can offer some gentle advice, find something to occupy your days. Even if it’s something you don’t really enjoy you’d be surprised how after a while things can look a bit brighter,
If mornings are worst, go out. Join things. Walking groups, flower arranging, tai chi, art, something, anything where you can meet people and talk. Look for things on the internet. Maybe there’s a talking tables group nearby where people just go who are lonely to chat. Knit and natter groups, even if you don’t knit someone will teach you.

Sorry I’m going on a bit but I do want to help you. The grief will never go. I think of my beloved all day long. He’s in my mind no matter what I’m doing. The tears still come and I’m still so lonely but I have made a lot of friends. It’s not easy but you need to try. Have a go at counselling and don’t dismiss it out of hand. You might find some counselling groups that meet for coffee. Just give it a try and know that there are many here who care. Big hug.

Mystyyes my apologies I’ve just read on another thread that mobility issues prevent you from going out alone. That would curtail a lot of what I’ve said and does make things harder for you.
Are there any day centres near you because sometimes they will collect you and take you there. Do you drive? Can you go somewhere with local busses? I have a friend who uses a wheelchair and she comes to our art class every week. If you can afford a taxi to something local please try it.
X

Very good advice Doodle and kindly meant. Grief is debilitating. It’s messy and just plain hard. But (and I say this respectfully) dwelling on thoughts can easily turn into wallowing. I’m not quite 4 months into widowhood. I miss Himself so much it hurts. But one has to try to help oneself. As best as.

Doodle

Mystyyes my apologies I’ve just read on another thread that mobility issues prevent you from going out alone. That would curtail a lot of what I’ve said and does make things harder for you.
Are there any day centres near you because sometimes they will collect you and take you there. Do you drive? Can you go somewhere with local busses? I have a friend who uses a wheelchair and she comes to our art class every week. If you can afford a taxi to something local please try it.
X

Unless you have mobility (or other issues) that severely limit your ability to be independent, to go out on your own I appreciate it's impossible to really imagine what it's like. IME it truly impacts on any coping strategies for your grief that other able people might be able to adopt.The world out there is not disability friendly but I guess that's a whole other thread. But suffice it to say that if I had a magic wand, I'd start with the state of the pavements, lack of dropped kerbs and lack of atomic opening doors.