What to say in a birthday card to recently bereaved

Definitely go for a’Thinking of you’ type of card. My DS’s funeral was the day after my birthday and the cards I received actually never got opened! This was 34 years ago and it took me a very long time to start ‘celebrating’ my birthday and eventually only because my late husband said it would be good for our other children! Even now though I would be happy to ignore it! Letting her know you care will be enough for her I would think.

Grannynannywanny

Rather than send a birthday card I’d send a “Thinking of You” style of card.

I agree

Hi Whiff -
Looking back on my childhood I can see why I am the way I am :
My mother was very formal and good manners were paramount and my grandmother deeply religious so "turning the other cheek " was her mantra .
If I combine those ideals with a quasi hippy philosophy of the period -I can see how I developed .
I do think that I come across as a complete pushover at times .
It just against my nature to be argumentative,aggressive or assertive.

Esmay your last sentence shows you are a woman after my own heart. I hated my in laws they never gave my husband any love or attention they feed and clothed and they where well off.

My father in law died in 1988 aged 70 . I was born disabled and he told me I was defective.

I hated my mother in law for 40 years but looked after her for 11 years after my husband died . She denied she ever had a son or had 2 grandchildren. She refused to go too their weddings. But everyone knew I looked after her she even had me as her emergency contact. I spent the last 2 days of her life by her bedside for 15 hours a day. The nurses said you must love her. But told them I hated the bones of her. They said why was I sitting with her I told them she is still my husband's mom,my mother in and our children's nan. It's easy to abandon people but I wasnt brought up to do that . My mom had a stronger sense of family. My husband got to know what real family was like with my large extended one .

My mother in laws brother only turned up after she was dead. Which speaks about their relationship.

People see grief as a negative emotion but I use it in a positive way. Like the anger and rage I still feel everyday over my husband dieing . But it gets me through everyday and I push myself to do new things. When I say I am going on one holiday they say who with . Only been able to afford to go on holiday last 3 years . They look at me if I am mad when I say by myself. I only go in GB via train with travel assistance my husband made me promise to go on holiday. I go to places we never went . Those memories are precious. Primier inn and Travel Lodge have accessible rooms for walking and wheelchair disabled. All their hotels have those rooms .

Over the years I have come to realise there is more than one grief. People only think it applies to the death of a loved one but there are different ones.

Esmay look after yourself..

Whiff -
I am so sorry for your loss .
Some people grieve for many years.
A close friend from church also has had strange comments in a similar vein made to her.
She grieves terribly.

it's not the first nasty thing that this particular family have expressed
When my father was ill the mother saw me in the street and asked,
.How much longer is he going to live - it's taking him too long to die.
The sons do occasional casual gardening work and are also unpleasant.
They and another neighbour have a negative attitude towards us and it's always been there .
It's jealousy .
My mother was a career woman.
My father a successful businessman .
My children went on to uni and have their own homes and lucrative careers.
I know because of the nasty caustic comments.
What galls them is my unfailing politeness towards them.

Esmay what a horrible cruel thing to write. Being widowed isn't freedom its a life sentence of grief. But we are the lucky was to have found the other half of ourself and them us. If we didn't love them we wouldn't grieve. I would rather grieve than never have had my husbands love and love him in return. As far as I am concerned I am still married and will always be Mrs.

Six months after my husband died an ex friend said at least you can stop grieving. Hence the ex . 22 years and still grieving but at these I know what true love is and had the person who knew the real me and I knew the real him .

Some people live their whole lives and never find the other half of themselves. So I would rather grieve for the rest of my life knowing I was loved completely and loved in return.

I'd also go for a thinking of you and not a birthday card.
Sometimes it's very difficult to write .

The worst card that I've received was a condolence card in which was written-
At least you've got your freedom back !
I was incredulous.

AuntieE someone wrote that in my first birthday cardcafter my husband died 22 years ago. It mean a lot to me that my friend who sent understood how I was feeling .

Since my husband died I don't send cards with words on the front or inside. I buy cards from Moon dragon and Green Pebble and choose cards with pictures to match the person I am sending it to . I also send e cards from Jackie Lawson again choosing the e card to match the person and my own words.

I would send a birthday card but be careful of the words it has printed. Keep it simple and sign it Just thinking of you.

Yes there are brief moments when a grieving person would like a few seconds of not grieving. A few seconds of normal. Thank you.

I wouldn't send a birthday card. Just a card with a message acknowledging it is a special dayand you are thinking of her.

I can assure you she will not want to be reminded that is is her birthday, but she does want to know that you are thinking of her. Most above have got it right but definitely no mentioning of birthday at all. I have been there so know how that felt to me. Wishing a peaceful day or just plain thinking of you is more than enough definitely not a birthday card either. There are some lovely plain cards, even better if you can make one yourself. She will appreciate your effort.

Write what you would like to receive if in that situation ..

All the suggestions are truly lovely ..

I realise it is difficult and does depend on how close you both are.

I would start by of cours sending birthday wishes on what must be a difficult time for ourself
Take care of yourself my thoughts are with you.

I would choose a blank card with a nice picture and write thinking of you on your birthday.

I would send one of those blank cards and just add comments yourself to the effect that you're thinking of them especially ''today".
I found it really thoughtless when people sent me Happy B'day cards a couple of weeks after my DH passed away, how could I possibly have a happy day, so unfeeling.

I think a card with a beautiful picture....of woodland, sea, birds, sky. And words of gentleness and peace. '
I have sometimes put a £10 coffee voucher in....it's a kind gesture x

I lost my husband on the 1st November 2023, and an old school-friend sent me an e-mail on my birthday on the 26th saying, I cannot wush you a Happy Birthday this year, but I can and do wish you many happier returns of the day than this birthday, this year.

I don't know whether your friend would appreciate this wording. I did.

All my love hope and thoughts are with you on your birthday and always

A friend's daughter died in a car accident. On her birthday some months later I sent a card with a gentle green landscape, and wished her a peaceful day.

Send a Thinking of you card' instead of a birthday card

Yes, I meant to say that the card I gave to my friend wasn't a 'Happy Birthday' - can't remember if it was just a blank card or a 'Thinking of You' one. Seemed more appropriate under the circumstances.

“May you find peace on your birthday. Thinking of you with love.”

When I lost my son peace was what I wanted.

In a similar situation, I did as others have suggested, and bought a low key card which said " It's your birthday" ( no happy, celebrate,etc) and wrote in it that I knew that the day would be bittersweet, and that I was thinking of them.

Thinking of you today on your birthday, sending love and kind thoughts.

Perhaps something along the lines of "I know that this birthday may be a difficult one for you, and I wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you today."