How should I react…?

Ignore them

On my birthday this year I received a card from someone I hasn't seen for a couple of years.

I rang her to thankyou, thinking she might want to meet up and rekindle a valued friendship.

But no, she just said I was on her list so it seemed she was just going through the motions.

I don't get it.

I really think some people don't update their lists or really put much thought into it at all.

Yesterday I attended a birthday party and was speaking to someone I hadn't seen for a while.
She asked me how my husband was and I had to tell her he died during Covid.

These things just happen and I reaaly don't know why.

I am sorry this must be very distressing. We recently sent a card to two old neighbours we used to see in the street frequently but hadn't seen for a little while. The husband came round quickly to tell us his wife (who is relatively young) has terminal cancer. We were mortified and quickly sent he some flowers with our good wishes. She sent back a not saying how much she appreciated them.

These things happen, unfortunately. I’m presuming you had already let these people know? I informed the societies DH was attached to and various clubs and syndicates of his death. The following year cards received were just named to me. There was one card from an acquaintance - a company card, so I emailed them with the (belated) news.

I had a few cards to us both the Christmas after DH died. I wasn't sure who had been told so I just replied telling them the sad news.

Cabbie 5 years after my husband died an old client of my husband's phoned up asking him if he would do a job for him as he was the only one who was skilled enough to draught it and see the work completed.
Poor man was devastated when I told him he was dead and how long . He couldn't apologise enough . But I reassured him it made me happy he remembered him and how skilled he was at his job.

Mind you my husband used to have a free magazine called Wet News and no it wasn't porn but about the water and sewage works . I keep telling them he died but it still came . It did make me laugh when it was the magazine of the week on Have I got news for you .

I forgot one year my son in laws great aunt had died the year before and asked how she was he didn't mind . Unless I cross people names out of my address book I don't always remember if they died or not . So safe not to send a card.

I would rather people remember my my husband than forget him but that's just me .

Cabbie it's hard to believe it's your second Christmas without your other half . It doesn't get any easier but hope you remember all the happy Christmas's you had together and all the daft things he did. And it will make you smile .

My husband was a big kid at Christmas and his last one in 2003 we talked about his funeral . I decided then I would allow myself to be sad Christmas eve but never on Christmas day and have kept to it.

Have the best Christmas you can Cabbie and hope 2025 will be a better year for you . 🎄⛄

Perhaps it would help to send out this news in the new year to those who haven't received it and politely ask that their address book be updated. Difficult for you to receive, I feel for you.

sadly sometimes its hard to keep track of who is still about so its obvious now and again you make a faux pas but most people understand

I think your reaction must depend entirely on how much it upset you to receive cards addressed to you both.

I would have been badly distressed at receiving a card addressed to my husband who died over a year ago now, and would have felt tempted to write back saying, please don't send a card addressed to us both another time, as I am sure I told you my husband died on such-and-such a date. but it would be more dignified just to ignore it.

Probably my mistake but in trying to become techno-aware I keep my Christmas Card addresses on the computer and print out address labels. But over Christmas I usually pack the computer away to tidy up for visitors and by the time I get it out I have chucked the cards away. We have one couple who seem to move house every 3-4 years and have moved again this year - must update my computer record!

These things happen. They probably had a list from a couple of years ago . If they don’t live local to you, they probably didn’t know. However, if you sent them a Card last year, with only your name on it, it’s unforgivable of them. I usually keep the previous year’s cards .

I had a card and brief note from a friend that only mentioned her and the daughter, who lives with her. No mention of her husband. She is in her early 80s, and he is late 80s or would be if he was still alive.

I assume he has probably died, but I do not remember ever being informed of his death. I am just making all contact on a personal one to one basis, until I know, I feel I cannot really ask.

Update.
Of the five or six close friends from college days that my husband kept up with, there is now only one left. He wrote a card saying that his wife had died and it is the last year he is sending cards. Two widows sent cards, one to just me, one to both of us.
As I have never met any of these people they are just names to me. I won’t be sending cards to them next year, and I am hoping not to receive any from them, but I have not contacted any one to remind them that my husband died.