Relationships and choices after bereavement

Again, such kind, good, sensible advice. Re the counselling, the hospice has been in touch and I do intend to try it, I do need someone I can speak too in confidence. I’m also reading a recommended book, It’s ok that you’re not ok, which I’m finding helpful. To be honest, I’m not sure how I’m doing, but I’ll find out in time.

I now know that people’s health can change quickly, whilst I am now perfectly fit and well , who knows what’s ahead. Whilst I can afford the upkeep of this house, and it’s in an lovely area, but there is nothing here, I would rather live closer to the water, I love the sea and I would rather spend the money on improving our quality of life. I want us all to be somewhere with a centre, where we can all make friends, I want to see my girls enjoy their lives, not have to worry about the cost of upkeep of a house, because that’s all it is, a house, it’s how you like your life which is the important thing.

I need to know that they’ll both be ok. I’m still concerned about my daughter, but at least we are now talking about it.

When we buy our next house, I will ensure that we are both protected. My daughter only owns 33% , she still wants to live with me but I know I would give her the lions share. My pensions will keep on coming, I’m financially secure, my husband made sure I would be ok.

I am quite overwhelmed by the level of support and advice you have all given me, sorry if I haven’t answered everything, not sure what I expected but you’ve all certainly restored my faith. Thank you

Thanks, that makes sense and at least I know what it’s now called, I have to look for another solicitor soon as I think I may need my will to be changed, so I’ll make sure they are the right one for the job.

You would be very foolish to give your daughter any more than her existing third share; it would be better to help her now to buy a small property independently and retain sole ownership of your new property.
Circumstances change; at present she wishes to live with you, later she may change her mind, and you could find your house sold from under you and living in a very small rented flat; happened to a friend of mine who shared joint ownership of the family property with her devoted son, then he married unexpectedly quite late in life and suddenly she was persona non grata.

Mmm, again, something to consider, so thank you. We had talked in the past of buying a small flat nearer the water and a second smaller property inland, so we could split our time between the two and it would open the opportunity to perhaps rent out one. At the moment we live between Dartmoor and the sea, 15/20 drive to both.
A lot to consider but I think I’ll find a good solicitor and check out all my options, it might be necessary to do something protect us all.

Budge, sorry for your loss. At your age, you deserve some peace and quiet.

Ideally, you should move to a cheaper location, whereby with her 33% share, your daughter can buy her own property for eg., a 2 bedroom flat.

If not possible, a property with a self contained unit like a granny annex so that you can have your own personal space.

I have a second property overseas where my daughter is the co owner. I only put her name down instead of my husband's because I wanted a longer term mortgage.

How about having 2 properties, as you suggested, with you both owning one each?
Your daughter could live with you and rent out her property but would be able to move there if she wished.

Pattern of Codependency Behaviors in Families. "Rescuing" is one. You can't Rescue your daughter. You can be Supportive. Help her without Hurting yourself. Detach with Love. Acceptance you can't change her. You deserve to live your life. Let her live hers. Family Therapy may help your situation. All families are Dysfunctional. Therapy helped me understand that and helped me have Healthy Boundaries. Transitions are part of life. It's tough to watch loved ones make mistakes. Have you thought of Family Therapy?

I don't think that's very helpful Jerseygal. Budge is supportive of her daughter, not trying to 'rescue' her. Suggesting that the family is dysfunctional and in need of therapy is insulting.

Budge

I'm so pleased for you that 1) you and your DD are talking 2) you are reading and 3) open to the counselling offered. Each in it's own way are proof (if it's needed) that you are willing to take care of yourself as well as your DD & DGD.

Such a good sign that however long it takes you and whatever you need to put in place you for your future you are a resourceful and caring person and you will get a good outcome in the fullness of time.

The material by Megan Devine seems really good, I might buy the book as things have moved on so much and I like her approach so thank you for introducing me to her.

Re your property dilemma, you seem to have some good suggestions/information from the GNers and in time there will be a way forward that works for you.

As for your DD and her relationship expectations and any fall out you may be dealing with I wondered if she is open to counselling too, I hope she is.

If you do find yourself carrying some of the emotional load around her relationship a counselling can help and if you're seeing a counsellor your DD may be more open to it if she isn't already in counselling.

There was a a lovely thread on here a while ago I think was called "Living for yourself not just by yourself" or something like that. May be a bit too soon for you but the posts were very interesting.

Wishing you the very best of outcome whatever your way forward turns out to be.

Dear Germanshepherdsmum, thanks for coming to my defence, you’re obviously a kind hearted sweetie, who cares about people, I think I like you, although I’ve never met you. Please be reassured that I’m well aware that many people have different opinions and sometimes those opinions may amuse me.

Sometimes people mean well but aren’t the best communicators.

Hi, Allsortsofbags, again you sound a level headed person, so thank you for your support. I will definitely look for the thread you mentioned, I’m always open to hearing of others experiences.

Thank you Budge. That’s really kind of you, and same here. I really admire your strength in the face of all that’s happened to you and it sounds as though you’re moving towards a better place. The sort of lady who would fit into a community very well and make friends easily, so I hope you can achieve that. Do keep in touch with us and let us know how you’re getting on. There’s a lot of friendship and support to be found here.

Jerseygal
If your therapist lead you to believe that all families are dysfunctional they are in the wrong profession.
Absolute shite.

Too true Meryl.

You do not have a dysfunctional family - you just have a family that, like all families, has its ups and downs and contains different personalities who have to work at getting on together.

I just want to say, Budge, you sound like a lovely, kind, thoughtful Mum. If my Mum had been willing to help me in that way after a relationship breakdown in my twenties, it would have meant so much.

Joined, but separate living space might be good, so your grandchild can come and go freely between the two- but you and your daughter can each have your own privacy and pay separate bills.

Your daughter could benefit from running a home by herself , paying bills and being independent, otherwise she will have to learn those life skills on top of grieving for you, one day. She may also want to have a man overnight etc so maybe privacy would be good... I really like your idea of two properties though.

To Budge, my heartfelt condolences, and to you (and almost everyone on this thread) I take my hat off to you.

Your level-headedness and the thoughtful, genuine engagement from posters to Budge's situation have restored my faith in Gransnet.

I have no advice but my husband is terminally ill, and when the time comes I will visit again, if not before, in the hope of the same sort of sensible, helpful and empathic responses.

Good luck, Budge. You sound so strong, you've made quite an impression on me at a vulnerable time.