Being excluded from Hen do!

Well 3 years ago my late husband my sister and brother and myself were going to a nephew's wedding and we had bought our wedding outfits which were expensive and we noticed that there had been a hen party at a nice restaurant with all ages of people.y sister and I weren't happy and my sister rang the nephews parents. Looking back deja vu the mother out sister in law was so nasty and ignorant and when we asked could we have been invited we were told no it's for close family only. Since then we have been totally ignored no communication and remarks made against everything
Well I'm not interested in putting things right they are so arrogant and the attitudes are awful I wasn't brought up to be like that I would never have said close family only

I never expected to be invited to a hen night. My DiLs may have had something with their friends and family but I didn't hear about it
DD had an away weekend with her pals but then shortly before her wedding I was included for a meal out with all the women on both sides of the family.
It was fun and came as a surprise. Her Sisters in law my DsiL had helped to make it fun with silly games and special gifts. We got to know each other and I am closer to her in-laws now than I am to any of the others.

In May I went with daughter, son in law and teenage grandsons to my nephew’s wedding in Barbados! A very expensive trip.
My sister in law died 3yrs ago so I felt duty bound to go and as it would probably be the last ‘big’ family get together I scrimped and saved.
It was a stunning locality. I too wasn’t invited to any of the hen dos either in UK or Barbados. I thought also because I am 77! But no, the 2 grandmas, mother of the bride (naturally) and brides aunt (well she did host it)!
Yes I also felt excluded, and as of writing still not recieved a ‘thank you’ for going and the very sentimental present!
Don’t young people do thank yous anymore!
Are we both making too much of this? Don’t know

I wasn't invited to my DiL's Hen do..... I consider myself lucky!

What a horrible thing to happen to you and rubbed in with dil comments.
I wouldn’t mention it to your son as it’s not fair to involve him as he isn’t involved I don’t think.
I’m not perfect so would have to mention it to dil or it would keep on running round my head.
I think some well thought out words very carefully said along the lines of. “ I’m pleased you had such a lovely time in -. I would loved to have been asked to join the fun “.
Only then could I stop festering about it, I know myself and otherwise it would just get bigger and consume more and more of my time thinking it through.

Wait a minute, it's her hen do and I thought it was supposed to be her friends. Did your son invite her Dad to his stag do? It's not the thing as far as I understood etiquette! I think you're getting upset about it because if your expectations not her intention to exclude you!

Awful! Think I'd be cynical and just throw a comment like" I do hope I'll have an actual invitation to the wedding just to make sure I am invited as I seemed to have been missed of the hen do". Absolutely no excuse for you not to have been invited especially as you are actively involved in childcare.

That is incredibly hurtful and whether it was meant or not it is still not acceptable. I would be very tempted to say ''perhaps you should get one of 'the women you care about to look after your daughter'".
I would almost always opt for maintaining the harmony especially with DIL's but would find this incredibly distressing and she needs to know this one way or another.

I really know how you feel the same thing has happened to me on a couple of occasions. I did not say anything but the hurt is still there years later. I wonder if I had said something at the time the hurt wouldn't have lasted but who knows! I would like to think that your future DIL didn't realise how hurt you feel

Bit nasty

I would nicely say oh how lovely that you had all the women you care about at your hen do I hope you had a lovely time . I would say that as nice and genuine as I could and let it sink in

Why did her own mother not say to her that you should be invited?? Whether you go or not is irrelevant but you should have been asked. I personally hate these things and reluctantly went to my daughter's . To me it's for bride's pals/ bridesmaids. Rise above it,hard I know. Sending hugs🥰🥰

Jess20

Wait a minute, it's her hen do and I thought it was supposed to be her friends. Did your son invite her Dad to his stag do? It's not the thing as far as I understood etiquette! I think you're getting upset about it because if your expectations not her intention to exclude you!

You need to read the OP. It wasn’t just the young woman’s friends but her mother and auntie as well, if it had just been friends am pretty sure the OP wouldn’t have been bothered.

Mojack26

Why did her own mother not say to her that you should be invited?? Whether you go or not is irrelevant but you should have been asked. I personally hate these things and reluctantly went to my daughter's . To me it's for bride's pals/ bridesmaids. Rise above it,hard I know. Sending hugs🥰🥰

I agree that the mother of the bride should have said something. I have DDs and they are given a nudge by me if I think their MiLs are in danger of feeling left out.

People can be so hurtful and selfish at times. My partners daughter has just told him she’s asking her mother to give her away instead of him, even after being fitted with a suit to her approval.
After everything he has done for her, and she’s not even given him an explanation why, I feel so sorry for him, he’s absolutely gutted, but graciously said to her it’s her wedding day, so her choice.

Juneandarchie1

People can be so hurtful and selfish at times. My partners daughter has just told him she’s asking her mother to give her away instead of him, even after being fitted with a suit to her approval.
After everything he has done for her, and she’s not even given him an explanation why, I feel so sorry for him, he’s absolutely gutted, but graciously said to her it’s her wedding day, so her choice.

Awww how awful

As he said it's her choice, her day. But very hurtful for your partner.

Ooh , that's very hurtful . The way mother in laws get such a bashing but daughter in laws can be absolutely brutal . I'd say nothing but I wonder how she'd feel to be excluded from a pre family get together with just your son and family members . Just a suggestion lol

It's not really about hen do's is it? It's about excluding somebody and then telling them they've been excluded.

This sort of thing seems to be on the rise and I think it's horrible.

That's just it, it's the exclusion and the inference that the future daughter-in-law doesn't care about her even though she's good enough to look after the granddaughter.

Perhaps it was just thoughtless, who knows?
Perhaps if it was mentioned (carefully) it could make her think and realise how unkind it was.

We had a 'save the date' for a wedding but no actual invitation was forthcoming.

juneandarchie1 - when parents divorce and re-marry, there’s always someone who will be hurt. I am divorced. We have 3 children. My husband has re-married. I have not.
There were complications and hurt at the weddings of both my sons. It was all about seating arrangements, too complicated to mention. Sensibly, my daughter got married abroad.
The repercussions of divorce are awful, especially if one of the parties has re-married and the other has stayed single.
I feel for your partner. I don’t know the circumstances of your partner’s divorce, but his daughter is torn.
Roxynounou that must have been so hurtful. You are a better person than I am.

P.S. My GC spend a lot of time with the other GPs. I fully understand - they are more than 10 years younger than me and have the energy to run around with the little ones - I don’t 😂

Are you older than the mum and aunt? Do they drink and socialise more than you? She may have thought it wasn’t your thing.

MollyNew

I'm usually a great believer in biting my tongue or rising above it but I would find it difficult in this case. At least you know where you stand with her for future reference. I would be inclined to be less available for childcare and let her rely on all the women she "cares about".

Here, here.

I would not bother much with her in the future. She is obviously not bothered about you and quite cruel.At least you know where you stand.

Best Wishes
😻
X

Agree - a very thoughtless comment from your future daughter in law. I would have to say something also. If we are all ‘the better person’ , ‘rise above it’ and ‘pretend it doesn’t bother us’, how on earth are these insensitive individuals ever going to start thinking about how their actions can impact others ?

Well Roxy, you have a charmer there. Whatever you say will be water off a ducks back. She has shown what she thinks if you. I would comment on it however although she has shown what she thinks, I would do it lighthearted but couldn't ignore a snub like that, would not be so availabke in future..