Being excluded from Hen do!

My DIL invited her gf's, sisters. mother aunts etc to her Hen do and not me. No offence or hard feelings at all. Son had diplomatically warned both of us that her ideal Hen shindig "wasn't his Mum's kind of thing".

He knew I'd absolutely loathe it.

It was an all-day "luxury" Spa "pamper" day with make-up makeovers, manicures, followed by a dinner with "extreme" male stripper. The whole thing heavily fuelled by alcohol (part of her culture )

My idea of hell. Sooner stick pins in my eyes.

DIL and I get on very well (for 20 years) because despite our differences we 've found plenty in common to enjoy about each other.

I don’t think you should say anything to anyone at all apart from seeking consolation here and from close friends perhaps. Nothing good will come of it.

An invitation to a party is entirely the choice of the host and a bride has the right to invite those she feels most comfortable with to her hen do. She may have thought of inviting you but didn’t for a lot of different reasons, some of which may have been out of consideration to your comfort or enjoyment, or whatever.

I think your prior expectations of not being invited only altered when you read her comments, and hopefully you will build a closer relationship with your DIL as time goes on.

If you say something now it implies she has done this to deliberately hurt you and surely that wouldn’t be her intention.

Swallow your hurt and look at it objectively to get it in perspective for the sake of your relationship with your DS and DIL moving forward.

I too would say something, but definitely not to your son. Depends how many people not her own family were there. I might say Seen the lovely photos, glad you had such a good times but am rather sad not to have been included. Something like that.

Forget about the ‘all the women I love best’ comment. That was a careless remark and maybe she did mean just that photo of her own family.

Good advice from 25 Avalon.

Well I’m with the minority who think you should say something. You’ve obviously been in her life a while and should face up to the issues. Cowardly to do it via your son. Just tell her you were hurt by not being invited and by what she wrote. Hope you’re invited to the wedding btw or doesn’t she care enough? Do nothing and just wait for the next thoughtless act and comment

I am going to put up! I love my son dearly and wouldn't want to put him in a difficult position. I shared on here as I agree with much of the advice generally shared on this site. Thank you for the usual sensible advice. Luckily I'm one of those people who can move on and forget.

I am very sorry you feel so hurt. You obviously know your future DiL reasonably well if you are involved in caring for the GD. But I don't think a MiL gets to be truly loved for quite a few years. I think I would mention that you felt a bit sad not to have been included, but you understand that the hen party is a special last time that a bride belongs only to her birth family. And say how lovely it is that she's going to belong as well to your son's family.

It’s not so much about not being invited to the hen party is it but that comment “all the women I care about are here” which makes you feel hurt and excluded. Idk how good a relationship you have with dil to be apart from being handy to help with gc but maybe she just doesn’t feel at ease with you and isn’t ready to be your friend as it were. I wouldn’t say anything in the circumstances but maybe you could invite her out somewhere as a pre wedding treat and build on a relationship.

No being ‘less available’ is not only cowardly it jeopardises any relationship with the grandchild (who is innocent in this debacle’. It’s passive aggressive and sends the wrong signals entirely.

So either put up - or shut up.

It was very unkind of her to say " all the women I care about were there ", so I would be otherwise engaged when asked to mind the GC.

Gosh now hurtful.
I’m afraid that I would need to raise the subject somehow. Could you speak to your son about it?

I'm usually a great believer in biting my tongue or rising above it but I would find it difficult in this case. At least you know where you stand with her for future reference. I would be inclined to be less available for childcare and let her rely on all the women she "cares about".

How well do you get on with your daughter-in-law's Mum?
Are you friends with her?

It was a very unkind thing to write!

FriedGreenTomatoes2

I suppose least said and all that.
However we are not saints.

I’d have to say something even if it were only to my son.

Not to be invited was bad enough but ‘all the women I care about are here’ just twists the knife, most exquisitely.

Sheesh.

I hear you. Am in the ‘don’t say anything’ camp, but if I was really upset I might have to say a word or two to my son about it, if only to make sure one of them realises that in future I deserve as much consideration as those who were included.

I suppose least said and all that.
However we are not saints.

I’d have to say something even if it were only to my son.

Not to be invited was bad enough but ‘all the women I care about are here’ just twists the knife, most exquisitely.

Sheesh.

I agree with everyone here. Rise above it and put it down to her lack of thought. Your son probably didn’t give it a second thought in any case and he is your true family not her.

Some people just don’t think. No excuse I know, but I bet your future DIL never even considered how hurtful this could be. If it had been me I would have wanted to keep a foot in both camps and keep everyone sweet so would have definitely invited you as well as mum and auntie.
I imagine your son is none the wiser as well.
Best to say nothing and appear all smiles when you next see her, but am so sorry you feel sad about this, sending hugs 🤗 💐

Yes, thoughtless and upsetting but be the better person.

However, as Astitchintime says, don't be quite so available in future, but enough to ensure you still see your granddaughter.

How upsetting for you and such disregard for you, by your future DIL. I wonder what your son thinks about that 🤔 - is it because she thought you were not well enough to go abroad ?
I’m not wanting to upset you, but if it was me, the hurt would have lasted ages. But then, I am one of those who just overthinks and somehow find it hard to forget.
But as others, who are much better people than I am, have said to not let it get to you. Do that and maintain your relationship with your D.I.L for the sake of the GC

I agree with Flippin2. Rise above it and don’t let them know you are upset. Totally thoughtless and mean.

Very thoughtless of future DIL……..but I’d not say anything……sooner put it on the back burner and make a mental note to not be quite so available or prepared to dance to her tune!

So sorry to hear this, I can understand how upsetting this must have been.
I think its very thoughtless of your future DIL to have not asked you even if she did think it wasn't your thing.
Personally I would mention it and say how upset you are as otherwise these things can fester and may then affect your enjoyment of the wedding and any future relationship with her.

I can understand how upset you must have been. What a thoughtless thing to do.

Rise above it,don't let her know you were upset by it,some people are just totally thoughtless