Dilemma with elderly mum

Casdon

I think you need to listen to your own inner voice. Your mum will have no near family and you say she has no friends, so if you move she will be totally alone. I’m guessing that’s what’s holding you back, and it’s going to be forever on your conscience if you leave her - so the only answer which solves that is, she has to come too. As she is housebound, and your husband presumably won’t want her to live with you, I think you need a two pronged approach, looking for something suitable for her as well as something for yourselves?

I absolutely agree with this advice.
I think it would be awful to move and leave Mum behind on her own at the age of 93.
Take her with you and if living with you isn’t possible in the long term, find a small apartment very local to your new house for her.
It would be very very unkind to leave her behind.

Casdon

I’ve been thinking a bit more about this, and I don’t think that if the Local Authority will be required to pay mum’s care home fees, it would be an option to move her directly to a new area, because if she doesn’t have established residency she is not their financial responsibility? Maybe renting a flat for her initially would be feasible.

My late fil moved from London to Surrey to be closer to us and the LA in London paid for his care home fees, as he’d been a resident there for most of his life . He was totally funded by SS as he had no property and minimal savings . This was 12 years ago and things might have changed .

SueDonim

I also think you should do what suits you and your Dh whilst making the best arrangements for your mother. Worst case scenario is that either you or your Dh becomes sick as well, and you’ll be stuck in an unsuitable house and also unable to care for your mother. Make the move now while you can.

I think you should also be straight with your siblings and explain the situation to them fully. Even if they can’t help physically they could perhaps contribute financially or help by doing some research into suitable care homes etc.

Very best wishes.

I agree with this post.

But what if Mum refuses to come?!
We had this situation 5 years ago when we wanted to retire from farming. We told mil we would look for somewhere with a granny annexe but she insisted she was going to stay put.
We refused to be emotionally blackmailed and the move has been the best thing we have done. She continued in a totally unsuitable house with visiting care.
Move now! The actual process of moving is exhausting and if you leave it any longer you won't cope with it.
The main problem with people living longer is that their "children" who are caring for them are also elderly with all that entails.

Hardly anybody does ever want to move to a care home! And old people can become remarkably selfish and self centred in expecting family to run around after them non stop.

If she’s in a rental, presumably there wouldn’t be enough money to self fund a care home, so IMO you will have to tell her that you’re arranging for carers/shopping etc., and you WILL be moving, since home maintenance is just getting too much, even without caring for her, too.

Please do it, OP, don’t let your dh get so exhausted that it seriously affects his health. I have known someone who died of a heart attack, caused largely by running round non stop after an ancient and very demanding uncle. And I doubt very much that he’s the only one.

Well that’s a different story isn’t it? If Mum refused point blank to move knowing she’d be totally alone, but my guess in the OP’s case is that she would go with them.

Tenko

Casdon

I’ve been thinking a bit more about this, and I don’t think that if the Local Authority will be required to pay mum’s care home fees, it would be an option to move her directly to a new area, because if she doesn’t have established residency she is not their financial responsibility? Maybe renting a flat for her initially would be feasible.

My late fil moved from London to Surrey to be closer to us and the LA in London paid for his care home fees, as he’d been a resident there for most of his life . He was totally funded by SS as he had no property and minimal savings . This was 12 years ago and things might have changed .

I think the issue would be that OP’s mum isn’t already resident in a care home. If she was, I think the original LA will pay for two years if she changes authority, but if she’s currently receiving care at home there would be a big step up cost for either LA to bear. As the strategy is now to keep people in their own home as long as possible, the threshold for admission to care home has been set at a higher level of dependency, so mum would need to be reassessed. It’s a dilemma.

Are you sure DS and his family are happy for you to move closer? Will he be worried about history repeating itself and providing care for you and DH in the future?

Thanks to you all for your thoughts and suggestions.

My mum is very selfish and self centered and I know she won’t think about us and how we might feel, it will be all about her and how it will impact on her life. She doesn’t want to leave her flat and she is very set in her ways. A couple of months ago I couldn’t do her shopping until the afternoon and she complained that it was always her who had to be the one to suffer when her routine had to be changed, so the chances are that she’ll refuse to even consider going into a care home.

The move to be nearer to our DS has been encouraged by him and we have had many conversations about where we would live. We want to be near enough to help with the children now and again but most definitely not living on their doorstep. Both my DH and I are both very physically active and do everything we can to ensure that, hopefully, we will stay that way. We have said to our DS that if he and his family want to move and live elsewhere in the future that we would be totally behind him and tell him to go and do it. We have also told him that we will never leave him in the situation we are in now and we will go into care if that is what is needed.

We never dreamt that after 10 years we would still be waiting. As Calendargirl said no one in the family expected her to live to this age. She has always been very unhealthy, her diet is very poor and she has had weight issues for years and has never liked doing any sort of exercise, so with her heart condition it’s amazing that she is still with us.

We had family members in your position; they had always planned to join their daughter (only child) in Australia but the wife wouldn't go while her mum was still alive.
There were three other siblings who were all very involved with the elderly mum.

The husband died before the mum, the wife didn't want to emigrate on her own. All their plans came to nothing.

Casdon

I think you need to listen to your own inner voice. Your mum will have no near family and you say she has no friends, so if you move she will be totally alone. I’m guessing that’s what’s holding you back, and it’s going to be forever on your conscience if you leave her - so the only answer which solves that is, she has to come too. As she is housebound, and your husband presumably won’t want her to live with you, I think you need a two pronged approach, looking for something suitable for her as well as something for yourselves?

Totally agree with this.

I can see how you are torn....my mum is 90 now...lives 1hr 30 mins from us...we see her every 2 to 3 weeks....still gets out and about with friends but we are her closest family.....we are currently looking to downsize to a bungalow.....looking for one that will also accommodate my mum should she want that later on

What a difficult situation Sue2505. You have been so kind, both of you spending your retirement looking after your mum, who by the sound of it seems terribly self centred and rather ungrateful. I know she’s old but I get fed up with that being an excuse to manipulate people and be so self centred. I think your husband deserves to come first now, he’s no spring chicken and you want to enjoy whatever time you have left. You are also missing out on your grandchildren. I think a granny flat where you move to would be the best if you can afford it. Alternatively if she won’t move, a more comprehensive care package where your mum lives now. Enough is enough, no wonder your husband it’s cheesed off, you both need a break and to enjoy life with your family closer.