Dilemma with elderly mum

I am in my mid-80's. I moved nearly seven years ago to be close to one of my daughters (she had been wanting me to do so for years). I see her once a week, but know she is there nearby (even works very close), for emergencies.

My own independence is very important to me, and although I have several physical problems, I can manage pretty well, lovely flat, do not have a cleaner, use mobility scooter or electric wheelchair to get me around.

The MOST important thing for me is NOT IN ANY WAY to have too much impact on the lives of my children. I would really hate it if they made any big decisions in their lives (like moving), and taking me into consideration. I have lived my life and want them to continue living theirs.

Of course the OP's hubbie must be her first consideration. Mum needs to be told (not asked) and given alternative of staying as she is with added help coming in - or going into a home near to where they are moving.

Could you initially over the next couple of months start to go through your own house and see what you can get rid of ready for the move? This will give your husband something to focus on initially. Also, things down south can be more expensive than further north and this also needs to be kept in mind. All the best with whatever decision you make.

Only.Sue knows whats right to do in her heart.

If she found a care home down south mum would not even know where she was and Sue could move with her DH and visit mum as she wishes.

Yes just ignore my opinion as I am biased.

Is there any chance of you moving, and providing your mum with a granny annexe type arrangement?
She could still have carers cone in to help her and you'd be close.

I knew soneone who was able to let her mum have a bedroom and small living room (at the other end of her bungalow!) and that worked out well.

Macaydia

I would always put my mum first, ahead of my DH. I would expect my DH to do the same.

I think the OP has been putting her mum first, for the last 10 years.

Her DH is approaching 80 himself.

She probably didn’t expect her mum to live into her 90’s.

It is so difficult, but I think sometimes, our parents have had their lives, and it’s time to put our spouses needs first.

To me you have 2 choices move and take your mom with you or put her in a home . This is my own experience.

I was widowed at 45 in 2004 . Year after my husband died I started to look at places to move to. But my dad's health became worse so I helped mom look after him until he died in 2007. Looking after my mom and mother in law . Mother in law died in 2015 . Mom came to live with me last 18 months of her life she had cancer and dementia. Mom died 4 months before her body did she died in 2017.

I had no life ,I just existed and that is not living . I was on call 24/7 . Put my house on the market March 2018 . House sale fell through twice but luckily the executors of their mom's will kept the bungalow for me and I finally moved to the north west over 100 miles in August 2019. And for the first time since a teenager fell straight to sleep and have ever since . I was 61 when I moved .

I was born disabled and didn't realise until after mom died how much my own physical and mental health suffered. I couldn't put my mom in a home . Looked after her by myself.

Best thing I ever did was move and live my life to the full. I have a home again more friend's than ever my life is full.

My brother and sister in law moved 5-6 years ago and took her dad with them who's 94 this year. It has worked out well. They have a 2 bed bungalow. He has the single room which has a conservatory attached which they made into a sitting room for him . So they can be together or not his choice. My sister in law has MS so my brother had small private pension and retired at 60 he was HGV driver but it was a physical job and he always said he was an old man doing a young man's job. That was 7 years ago.

When my sister in laws dad was 87 he had to admitt he after 6 years of looking after his wife with dementia couldn't cope anymore like my mom the violence got worse. But she manged to escape the house even though the keys where hidden. And went out with an empty handbag. Main road near by and he had to make the hard decision to put her in a home . He looked after her himself and she wouldn't have strangers in the house or go once a week to day care centre. Plus he wasn't in good health having COPD and heart problems before becoming a carer. She died 4 years ago . The plan was to move her to a home near them once settled but she had a fall and died .

You and your husband are older than me when I moved . But I couldn't move and abandoned those who needed me. I am glad I waited until they died before moving . As my home is mine so just all my memories I have made here .

Sue if my husband had lived we where planning on moving house once our son went to uni but not as far as I did. If it was a choice between my husband and mom . I would chose my husband's first and move . And put my mom in a home near by .

This is just part of my story of looking after others . But I would do it all again. As I am the same person. But I didn't realise the cost to me sounds selfish .

I will never let my daughter look after me and already decided what to do if I get diagnosed with dementia while I still know what I am doing . I will not let her live with that hell .

You and your husband have years ahead of you to do what you want to do . I wish I hadn't said to my husband wait to do some of the things we wanted to do until the children where older. He was 47 when he died the children 20&16. We never got the chance. 77&70 you still can do those things . Life is to short for what ifs or if onlies .

I would always put my mum first, ahead of my DH. I would expect my DH to do the same.

It's tough but I think DH is right, it's time to get off the fence and make proactive changes for the good of everyone. You, and Mum, have to grasp the nettle that her current flimsy "support" arrangement is too precarious and too hard on everyone. It has to change.

So look at some options.

Downsizing + a move south is s lightly complicated procedure ( for instance, selling in Scotland/ buying in England will require two estate agents AND two lawyers and the trouble of trying to integrate chains in two countries).

So, I wonder if you have considered selling Scotland and moving to rental here, ahead of the next stage, househunting a new home in England.

* Organising , decluttering and sale will distract DH from resenting your Mum

* It simplifies your move.

* Mum has time ( and your help) to find a safer lifestyle.

She might surprise you and announce "If I'm going into residential care I'd prefer to be near you in England/ or near our other family.

Is DS happy about this? I ask because I know people who have moved to be nearer to ac only for the ac to then move away. In any case you would have to get used to a new area and make new friends and entertainment as you cannot rely on Ds and family the whole time especially as they already have their own lives, so not necessarily as you imagine it will be. I am just being devil’s advocate here. If you do stay where you are I think you need to take more steps to ease the load.

I also think you should do what suits you and your Dh whilst making the best arrangements for your mother. Worst case scenario is that either you or your Dh becomes sick as well, and you’ll be stuck in an unsuitable house and also unable to care for your mother. Make the move now while you can.

I think you should also be straight with your siblings and explain the situation to them fully. Even if they can’t help physically they could perhaps contribute financially or help by doing some research into suitable care homes etc.

Very best wishes.

I can only add that my mum had a new lease of life in a care home after Dad died. No more housework, washing or cooking, no worries about where the next meal was coming from, company when she wanted it, entertainment sometimes.
I was working full time and living 80 miles away, my sister was in a Home herself. No other relatives. It was the best arrangement. She chose to stay in her own area as she wanted friends and neighbours to visit.

Please listen to your DH

You only have time to live - you can help take care of your mother and still have your own independence

I really feel your inner torment and your DH. A friend who lived near to me has dementia. She has no family in this country. So me and another friend cared for her for as long as we could. We talked to her family in Sweden and agreed that is was no longer sustainable. She is now in a care home and looked after safely and with care. She enjoys life in the care home and has made some good friends. Not the same as your situation but I understand your feelings. I wonder if talking to your mum about what you would like to do, she's probably picked up on it anyway, and she might agree with you. In many ways it would be ideal if she could go into a care home near to where you'd like to move to. It must be very exhausting doing everything for her to keep her where she is. And you could say this, she probably knows anyway. Explain how lovely it would be to visit her and just enjoy her company and take her for days out, if she's able. She could enjoy the company of others in the home too. You might even say that your DH really would like to do this too as he also is finding the upkeep of your home too much.She may surprise you and be happy to go along with it, especially if she knows that you both would like to do this. It's never as bad if you bring it out into the open. I wish you all the best.

I think you need to listen to your own inner voice. Your mum will have no near family and you say she has no friends, so if you move she will be totally alone. I’m guessing that’s what’s holding you back, and it’s going to be forever on your conscience if you leave her - so the only answer which solves that is, she has to come too. As she is housebound, and your husband presumably won’t want her to live with you, I think you need a two pronged approach, looking for something suitable for her as well as something for yourselves?

Posted too soon . Then your mum could have been given the choice to come with you or move near the other sibling before her health worsened more. Has she got enough capital/ income to fund more care because I’d be surprised if the LA would fund enough to make up for what you do for her. I think your suggestion of finding a care home for her near where you move to is the best idea but the gap between your moving and her moving could prove problematic.

You and your DH have to take some responsibility for letting things drift over the last 10 years. You coulx have arranged to move much earlier

We were in the same situation and I understand your feelings about your mum. I agree let her make her own mind up to move somewhere near you when you go. But if she doesn’t want to go give her the option of finding cleaners careers etc, I think you owe it to your husband to start putting things in place. Certainly I would speak to your siblings it’s not just your problem.

I think the needs of your husband should come first. You need to ask for professional advice, not try to deal with it on your own.

A dilemma certainly. If you did move south and your mum needed a care home then you can look at care homes in your new area, there shouldn’t be a problem.
To get assistance with fees your mum would need to be assessed by SS.
Best check as things may have changed.
I hope things can be sorted out satisfactorily.