“You’re here to help not to have cuddles”

Apologies Smileless reading l it back my post came over more snippy that I intended (must have been reading too many Mumsnet posts!).
I am mid sixties & many of my friends/ colleagues are now (fairly new) grandparents & we just want to help where we can & certainly don’t want to take over. I didn’t get on particularly well with my mum but both her & my MIL were great grandparents.

Unless you’re the sort of person who sits there, expecting to be waited on, and just wants to cuddle the baby, IMO that’s a bloody cheek. I doubt I’d say anything - anything to keep the peace - but I wouldn’t like it.

Like a pp, I’m often glad I only have daughters, but having said that, dd1’s MiL is lovely and they get on fine. (I do think she’s lucky with dd too, mind you.)

Might add that she brought up my son in law to be a whizz at everything from changing nappies and cooking, to plumbing in the new washing machine, so 👏👏 to dd’s MiL.

I'm puzzling over what the son means by using the "correct words" when texting or talking to DIL.

The 'correct words' - in relation to what?

“You’re here to help not to have cuddles” does sound rather curt - maybe it was just an unfortunate choice of words from a stressed father.

I know that blood is not thicker than water and that being a grandparent gives you no 'rights' but that doesn't mean that it's OK to talk to the grandmother as if she is the hired-help. There are more sensitive and polite ways to suggest that practical help is very much needed.

I agree Dickens; what correct words and in what context?

Furthermore, I don't see the new father as 'standing up for his family'; is his mother not also part of his family?

Perhaps there is more to this than has been revealed so far. There is plenty of sound advice given and I hope it is of some help to the Poster and helps clarify the situation; having a new baby in a family should be such a joy; shame to spoil it with petty squabbles.

Goodbyetoallthat that's certainly my experience of friends and relatives who are GP's. They're available with help if needed and just want to enjoy being a GP which thankfully all of them are able to be.

Correct words depend on what has been already sent or communicated used previously

Hithere

Correct words depend on what has been already sent or communicated used previously

But as we don't know what has already been sent or communicated, it's difficult to give any useful advice.

What are the 'correct' words to use to a new mother anyway - apart, perhaps, from respecting the proper pronunciation of the infant's name, or not talking to it in 'baby language'?

@smileless2012 I know, I know it sounds like I’m making it up, but yes, I answer the door to gimme! She’s quite boisterous.

Dickens

Hithere

Correct words depend on what has been already sent or communicated used previously

But as we don't know what has already been sent or communicated, it's difficult to give any useful advice.

What are the 'correct' words to use to a new mother anyway - apart, perhaps, from respecting the proper pronunciation of the infant's name, or not talking to it in 'baby language'?

It seems to me all we know is OP is falling into "we’re undermined and second rate compared to wife’s family" as she said in her other thread. Which may be negative attitude for no reason.

Perhaps waiting, giving things time to calmly settle would be good.

I gather from GN that there are plenty of officious young parents telling their parents what to do, while expecting help and free childcare without question.

I think that's a bit unfair. I'm a young (ish ) parent that's commented and I've never had or expected free childcare with any of my children.

Just like the one poster who has posted about her MIL that snatched the baby from her.

You can't tar everyone or every situation with the same brush. What works for one won't work for another.

I do agree her son was rude for whatever reason. That's true, but that's down to her son, not her DIL.

I agree Urms where are the manners!

My DS and DDiL never asked us to babysit, which I thought odd and still do a bit. Now those babes are teenagers I'm allowed to take them out on my own but I had very little to do with their baby care. They have turned out ok.

My other DC and in-laws are quite different.

My own DMiL was only 45 when we made her a grannie. She had her own way of doing things. She came to stay in our flat while I was in hospital and completely rearranged our bedroom to make it into a nursery, including replacing my things with an enormous jar of cotton wool balls.

nanna8

Just be as nice as pie- then she won’t be able to whinge. Sometimes I am glad I only have daughters ….

Me too!
I mean WTAF? Use the correct words? Help not cuddles.I wouldn’t be there helping after hearing those words Grans aren’t servants.

I am not accusing all young parents of being the same; I am saying that I read of examples of officious young parents on GN and this thread is dealing with one such.

It sounds as though your DIL has read too many parenting books NewNana and wants to do everything by the book, but it is her baby and you're doing the right thing by going along with what she wants. Hopefully she will relax a little as time goes by.
I was very lucky because my DIL was very relaxed and let us cuddle her babies whenever we liked. Her first baby was a dream, hardly cried and slept to order - the second however did not, and she was very grateful for help with anything and everything!

Maybe they feel they haven't got much support and people are only interested in the baby and not them...

And the delivery has come from a stressed and exhausted new patent who needs some tlc

VioletSky

Maybe they feel they haven't got much support and people are only interested in the baby and not them...

And the delivery has come from a stressed and exhausted new patent who needs some tlc

And maybe the son should show some manners. I am fed up with people using the stress excuse fir their rudeness.

The son didn't use stress as an excuse for rudeness

Neither did I really

But you don't get an apology and changed behaviour for being rude and impatient back

The thread started off with the comment made by her son which for whatever reason, was rude/ or off . It wasn't exactly nice but it was made by her son. Not her DIL.

Second comment was about them wanting to parent the way they want without any suggestions or input.

Those are 2 separate situations. OP actually sounds like she does more than enough to help them out, so I'm not sure what else your son is expecting from you?

And maybe the son should show some manners. I am fed up with people using the stress excuse fir their rudeness.

Agree! Even if that was the case, a 'sorry for snapping' call would help.

I am still a bit confused about the “correct words”. If any of my children said that to me I wouldn’t know what to think?

OP posted a thread before this about how her sons inlaws live in France, her DIL could be French which might explain the correct wording of things.

When people I love have babies, they are always my primary concern.

I am not going to visit them as a guest and I keep this in mind at all times.

They are forbidden to tidy for my arrival and I reassure them I am coming to see them and not their house.

So I offer to do shopping to bring or I will bring a meal for everyone. I will ask if there is anything I can help with in the home and just get any washing up etc done while making us all tea.

Again I'm not there as a guest to see the baby, I'm there as a support.

But I can tell you I get rewarded with so many baby cuddles because my presence feels safe and non stressful so handing me that baby and going for a nap or a shower is much easier for new parents finding their feet

Or

"I'm there to help, not to have cuddles"

And I'm not sure how that's rude, its how it should be

OP's previous thread has been resurrected and makes the situation clearer. Daughter in law is French but living in England; trips to France have been arranged to cover special occasions and OP, and presumably her husband, are feeling excluded. I assume the correct words mean use basic English, which is understandable, but the comment about 'only being here to help' is still crass, and doesn't help to resolve a sensitive family situation.

Ahhh that explains the wording situation.

I only read one update about
'all milestones so far' been in France which didn't make sense if the grandchild is only 3 months?

I agree, 'only here to help' isn't fair on the OP. She's been going above and beyond and her son isn't treating her very well.