“You’re here to help not to have cuddles”

I think sadly we have all met those people in life who think they are the Main character and think the rest of us support characters should do things their way...

Everyone has individual needs and telling us is a good thing, we have the opportunity to show respect

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one. I sometimes think that my DiL thinks I'm a member of her staff but my son is always trying to manage what I do or say. It's a minefield, but just follow their lead and bite your tongue if necessary. xx

Absolutely agree Norah! If my son chose to support anyone over their wife than I have failed as a parent in modeling what a strong marriage looks like When our own dear children were small they used to play at a game of “who’s your favorite “ with Dh evenings when he would return from work or from business travel, and he would laugh, and tease and always come back to “your mother is my favorite “. And I know I heard him reminding our oldest when his wife was first expecting years ago that the greatest gift he could ever give that little girl was to love her mother wholly and without condition. Same always went for myself

joycerousselot123

I reckon most sons have to choose who to support most, DIL or mother. I think your son has definitely put his money on her ! MIL / DIL friction is a bit like WW3 so don't go there !

All should choose to support spouse - husband or wife , over parents/pil. Wives support their husbands first, over all others.

I know where I sleep and who I always support, same to my husband.

rafichagran

For heavens sake where has this all come from, your son is rude, he said you are here to help, not nice to see you Mum or even treating you kindly.
I love my son and daughter but would not take this cr.p.
I am sick of hearing about hormones and all other things, it does not give anyone the right to behave like this. I never have this with my Grandchildren.
For the sake of seeing your Grandchild you need to be careful, pleasant and not overstep, but it would stick in my throat.

Looks like he's the one with the hormonal problem. We have no idea if the DIL was at the bottom of this.

I reckon most sons have to choose who to support most, DIL or mother. I think your son has definitely put his money on her ! MIL / DIL friction is a bit like WW3 so don't go there !

I just saw your prior post about daughter in law's parents living in France. How old is your grandson that you're frustrated by them spending every baby milestone with her parents? And surely a first fathers' day is your son's milestone to be spent as he chooses, rather than to be spent meeting your expectations?

My parents and my in laws are not local to each other. We live closer to my in laws. We do our best to alternate holidays by the year (for example, Mother's Day this year with my in laws means Mother's Day next year with my parents; Father's Day this year with my parents means Father's Day next year with my in laws). Sometimes it works out perfectly even, and sometimes circumstances throw off the schedule a bit. We do our best and we never plan anything with the intention to spite one side or the other. I appreciate your disappointment, but please remember that she has parents, too. The quickest way to ruin the joy of family holidays together is to make everything a contest.

Good post Mama2020 I feel.

Yes. Be thankful he can flag up potential problems to make life easier for everyone. 🤞

Sounds to me like your son is an excellent husband who is giving you the information you need to keep the relationship healthy.

His wife just had a baby. Her hormones are tanking. She's sleep deprived (as is he). She might be dealing with postpartum anxiety or postpartum rage. He sees that and is giving you tips to head off any hot buttons.

It's valid for you to think it's a bit much and to be offended, but take his words as a blessing. Your son feels comfortable enough to communicate their needs. He cares enough about the health of their relationship with you to give you a heads up about her triggers.

You can stand on ceremony and share your annoyance, or you can take this as privileged inside information that will ensure the best possible visits.

I wish my husband would've communicated triggers like these with his mother before she came by. "Cuddle" wasn't on my list, but other things were. It was a short list of things she said that (maybe 3 or 4) that made me want to move far away every time she visited. Things/action that may have sounded completely harmless to you, but caused me terrible distress every time.

welbeck

LRavenscroft,

But they do surrender my things of old age as I surrender their things of youth

LR, please can you explain what this means.
i cannot understand it at all.
is it part of a quotation maybe ?

Yes, The verb 'surrender' is. There was a famous quote from a poem called Desiderata.

'Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.'

I just fancied using it in my context as my daughter just has to say 'Mother', and I know that what I am saying or doing is an age thing but she can also be quite dramatic at times and that is when I just grin and let it go.

Blimey. How insensitive and damn rude of him.

We still call a toy rabbit Bunny but that because it's his name 😁

I had a relative who would deliberately waken my daughter every time she visited us.She would kick the pram wheels or shout at the cotside until baby wakened.Telling her made no difference ,she believed she had the right to "cuddles" other visitors came and ironed or tidied round or hung out washing but not her.her ONLY reason for visiting was picking up the baby who was a very poor sleeper .
Maybe thats the scenario the OP's son wants to void,she can go to help but not to disturb their child.I dont think its rude to tell OP the rules .it IS their baby after all !

None of my DC now say Dadada, Mamama, Bababa.

Nor mine Callistemon. In fact one son speaks so well he took up speaking for a living. He’s a barrister I’d hate to be the one being interrogated questioned by him though.

I remember one incident when I was in Mothercare with my infant daughter, and I pointed out to her the soft toys, ‘Look at all the rabbits.’ A woman came over and said to me how wonderful it was to hear a mother speaking properly to her child using the right words! I was flabbergasted. It wasn’t a policy I had thought through, I just did it naturally. I was guilty as charged though for calling the children’s shoes shoe paddies and now believe it or not, they all call their shoes, well shoes actually.

NotSpaghetti

mathiasella

My D asked for no baby words to be spoken to my two GD's I was upset at the time, been a first time Gran,
They both speak very well getting top marks in English. It is not the worst idea.

We didn't use baby words either 40 plus years ago.
Why invent "baby" words when we have perfectly good ones that are correct and understood by everyone?

Babies babble. It's called learning to speak, babble is easy to copy, it's a stage in using language.

None of my DC now say Dadada, Mamama, Bababa.

LRavenscroft,

But they do surrender my things of old age as I surrender their things of youth

LR, please can you explain what this means.
i cannot understand it at all.
is it part of a quotation maybe ?

mathiasella

My D asked for no baby words to be spoken to my two GD's I was upset at the time, been a first time Gran,
They both speak very well getting top marks in English. It is not the worst idea.

We didn't use baby words either 40 plus years ago.
Why invent "baby" words when we have perfectly good ones that are correct and understood by everyone?

maddyone

Mine are always dropping in just as and when they like. Or we get a text or call, we thought we’d pop in for a cup of tea. Son number two was quite amazed and affronted (not nastily) when we dared to be having a meal out with his brother and wife
He has two houses and only lives in the one near us at weekends and holidays otherwise we’d never have a minutes peace. I love him to bits though, I love them all and I hope they carry on popping in as long as I’m alive. They often catch me in my dressing gown because I’m lazy about getting dressed in the morning. No problem. They’re my kids.
I just wish my daughter could still pop in like she used to but she lives in New Zealand now. But she calls us all the time and we don’t care what she’s interrupting, she’s one of the lights of our life.

I wish ours were near enough to just drop in, too, maddyone

If it was my son or daughter I’d say I was sorry but not knowing the correct words to use with a new baby I would have to decline the invitation to ‘help out’…as I wouldn’t want to upset the baby or obviously the new mother. I really wonder how my mum managed with 6 of us and husbands who didn’t lift a finger …or my freinds mum with 9 or my other freinds mum with 11…… what a massive deal new mothers make of one tiny baby! It’s dead easy as my gran would say….. eat ….sleep….change….repeat!!!

Definitely not the time to risk a potential falling out because a comments is seen as "rude" when some of us would view it as setting a boundary or stating a need clearly.

Never be the person who doesn't like to be told "no"

Fallouts over brand new babies can be long reaching

New babies are tiring, just don’t think into
Too much, don’t say anything and dwell , just go and enjoy cuddles while helping x

I grew up in an open house too - but it came with so many downsides that I would now love a moat and wolves to guard the door .

Everything had to be 'just so' in case anyone called, nobody could mooch about - it was all 'are you not dressed yet? it's 8.00am! If anyone calls they'll think someone's died.' If my mum had called on anyone else she was quick to comment if they weren't 'visitor ready', too. '9.00, and she hadn't got her washing out!'

I may have gone too far the other way, but my home is my space, and I want to be able to do as I like when I like, without risk of comment. none of my friends expect 'drop-in' visitors either - a quick text is just manners, IMO. As I say, my children don't live near enough to risk us being our if they drop by, so it doesn't apply to them.

I grew up in an “open” house, I was always welcome to bring friends home with me from school for an hour, an evening, a weekend and my parents duly fed and watered them. They too had as hoc guests, both family and friends, we try to be the same and I live it - kettle on, biscuits out, telly off ! Love both spontaneous and pre-arranged visits from our family - they’re our family, so what if I’m in my nighty and doing the ironing ?

None of my children would dream of making a comment like that ! It’s rude and selfish and pretty uncaring. Becoming a grandparent is one of the most precious things ever and it’s to be treasured. I would hope that both children and “in laws” would be honest enough to speak freely, as I always do, I do err on the side of caution as I can be a little blunt, and would never deliberately upset anyone, but I also wouldn’t take kindly to rude comments directed at me, nor be told how to communicate with a DiL or SiL !

Mine are always dropping in just as and when they like. Or we get a text or call, we thought we’d pop in for a cup of tea. Son number two was quite amazed and affronted (not nastily) when we dared to be having a meal out with his brother and wife
He has two houses and only lives in the one near us at weekends and holidays otherwise we’d never have a minutes peace. I love him to bits though, I love them all and I hope they carry on popping in as long as I’m alive. They often catch me in my dressing gown because I’m lazy about getting dressed in the morning. No problem. They’re my kids.
I just wish my daughter could still pop in like she used to but she lives in New Zealand now. But she calls us all the time and we don’t care what she’s interrupting, she’s one of the lights of our life.