The dreaded talk!

I’m 57 and both my sons want me to move closer to one of them and in fact I’m doing it. When covid hit us it made me notice how far I am from my family when couldn’t see each other and I thought about it then few months ago I was given some antibiotics that turned out I was allergic to. Somehow I managed to ring 111 who blue light me to hospital both my sons are 200 miles plus in different directions from my me. That was only push I needed yes both of mine also used to live here too. I’m moving for their peace of mind plus will get to see grandkids more than I do now. It’s your choice do what is best for you but I’m doing it for me.

For five years after my father's death, I lived 3 hours drive from my mother, and my brother lived not much less. We never thought it a sufficient reason to pressurise her into moving closer to us until her health failed very sharply and, being almost totally blind, she admitted she found living on her own very scary. But if we hadn't been able to find an excellent care home in the very next village to my brother's, ensuring that he visited her every week and I visited twice a month, we would have looked for a different solution.

My DSinlaw had this talk when his widowed mum wanted to move 30 miles away to be nearer her siblings. She moved anyway after multiple nasty arguments with bad things said on both sides. There has been no communication between him and his mum since which is so sad.
Why on earth do some adult children try to rule our lives and dictate where we live when we are older? Mine have accepted that we're 100 miles away, very happy living by the coast tg.

I would say, given my own experience, that unless the area where they live holds lots of interesting activities that you would enjoy and where you could build an independent life....
don't move

Hithere

Just tell them 'it doesnt work for you" if you feel that's the case

2 hours is not that long at all.

Two hours away is a four hour round trip. This is something that we couldn’t get through to my MIL. When you’re working, and a visit takes most of a day, you start to feel as though you’re neglecting the person because you can’t be there as much as you’d like to.

Did your son move away for work/schools, OP?

They moved away from you. Their choice. You should live where you will be happiest. I am having similar issues and I will not move 3 and a half miles from where I know to an area I don't know just to make things easier for them. If I have to use all my savings to keep going, then so be it.

oh gosh Meow!

I 86! only just started to feel my age, truly! arthritis suddenly appeared, I am not on a bus route though local shop and church I attend just short of walking distance, (for me now, that is!)
I live in my own small 2 bed end terrace, small garden, I am just about keeping it together, still "grieving" death of husband nearly 3 years ago now,, I REFUSE to accept depression,

with friends yesterday, in similar positions, though a tad younger than me! LOL and we all said " we know it wouldn`t work , (in our cases, living with family) but wouldn`t it be nice to be asked!! to feel wanted. oh dear!

Meow,, I day dream of being with my family, nearer at least, all so very very busy, as you say.. but I recognise it for what it is a daydream,

I assume you have friends now, where you are? and that is what holds me here..

oh Meow, you shouldn`t be given that pressure, dare I suggest to relieve their conscience? whatever the reason, you know what is best for you,

perhaps you can let us know how you get on with this? or just keeping talking to us? I am not good at sharing!

Absolutely do whatever YOU want, please don’t feel pressured by your children. Two hours is no distance and it’s about spending whatever time you have have left doing what you want. Explain this as diplomatically as you can, but do exactly what you want and need

Why don't people talk to each other like adults?

Sometimes the elderly person can't see the wood for the trees and the relations get a clearer view. It might be worth considering that when you are feeling pressured. I know you don't want to burden your family but worrying about a parent is a burden and more anxiety inducing sometimes than caring for someone.
Maybe you could see if there is a way that you can do a swap with someone nearer to your family as you are in Social Housing if that is the only thing stopping you from moving. It might be worth investigating even if you choose not to go ahead.

Tell them you do not want to hurt their feelings but they are hurting yours by constantly going on about your moving nearer when you've made it clear you don't want to.

Give them your list of cons including the cost and ask them NOT to talk to you about it again.

If you have always thought about moving move, if not stay where you are & be happy. Your decision , you may move then regret it, if you are unsure tell your family you want time to think about it , say 6 months or so, then what you finally decide is yours, & hopefully shouldn't be under any pressure ... also tell them not to mention anything to you about it ... yes they may be concerned & worried , but your happiness , I hope you make the right choice you want

Concordia

Your life, your choice. It sounds as if you have all reasonable future-proofing in place and, no doubt, will have your local friends and activities which form such a vital part of the fabric of life. It takes a long time to remake that fabric in a new place.
Honestly, if you are content where you are, tell your son thanks, but no thanks and live your life as you want.

Spot on Concordia stay put where you are happy Meow

It’s natural for your family to worry about you and want to be close at hand to support you. I know with my late parents I worried and saw all the negatives of being so far away if they needed help or became ill or fell. It wasn’t for my convenience but simple fear that I couldn’t get there quickly or give the support I wanted to. Perhaps it would be helpful for you to point out the positives of staying in your present location and the reasons you don’t want to move. It might reassure them.

If I was in your shoes, capable and content where I was, I certainly wouldn’t be moving for the convenience of my AC. I understand your DS means well but this is still your life and you must decide what is best for you, listen to your instincts.

Just tell them 'it doesnt work for you" if you feel that's the case

2 hours is not that long at all.

If the cons are long but not-too-long and maybe "smaller" ones you could speak to your housing association about the likelihood of an exchange.

Your life, your choice. It sounds as if you have all reasonable future-proofing in place and, no doubt, will have your local friends and activities which form such a vital part of the fabric of life. It takes a long time to remake that fabric in a new place.
Honestly, if you are content where you are, tell your son thanks, but no thanks and live your life as you want.

It sounds best that you stay where you are, from what you've written.

I have parents your age and have had 'the talk' with them. Purely out of concern. They have no family around and I think they could stay independent in their own home for longer if they were close to one of their children. They have declined, which is fair and entirely their choice, but they are now developing medical conditions that are catching up with them. They will have to see how that plays out for them in the coming years.

Meow

Jaylou

I was just going to reply sympathetically to this when I saw the OP's name. They have started another thread saying how their family are excluding them.
I am now not sure about this or the other thread. I may be wrong

Yes you are wrong! Yes I posted on the estrangement thread, which is about my daughter and her adult children. This thread is about my son and his family! I do have other children!

Then I apologise

“If in doubt do nowt”.
Especially as your ‘cons’ list is longer.
My lovely late mother in law used to say “please others and you displease yourself”.

The fact that you have an estranged daughter adds another aspect. Perhaps your son is aware it’s only his family doing the to-ing and fro-ing and is starting to resent it? Of course this is only my take on things and I may be wide of the mark. Or not.

You state you are in sheltered housing. You could speak to your housing options officer to discuss. If suitable accommodation/area was available to your liking & you decided to transfer this would not affect your tenure.
Definitely do not surrender your secure tenancy for private rent.

As Riverwalk mentioned ….are your family staying put in their home?

Jaylou

I was just going to reply sympathetically to this when I saw the OP's name. They have started another thread saying how their family are excluding them.
I am now not sure about this or the other thread. I may be wrong

Yes you are wrong! Yes I posted on the estrangement thread, which is about my daughter and her adult children. This thread is about my son and his family! I do have other children!

Stay put because you are happy where you are. Your family may have to move in the future because of the changing world regarding employment, there is no guarantee they will stay where they are.

Maybe two different families Jaylou.