What's this scheme called please

Both my parents and my in-laws died quite a few ago. They were all I’ll or had medical conditions but none of them went into a care home, they were all looked after by loving family despite the families working, looking after children, a disabled one in my case and having bush lives. Why don’t more families care for their aged parents

Why don’t more families care for their aged parents

Well, speaking from experience...

Because I'm an only child. Because I live more than 100 miles from DF. Because there are no close family members within about 100 miles of him, and even the one there is, is already over 80. Because he has a one-bedroom flat. Because the house I live in can't hold any more people. Because he has a medical issue that I am completely unqualified to handle. Because I have a medical issue of my own.

So speaking on behalf of those that can't care for their aged parents, we could really do without the guilt trip, thanks.

Much depends on geography, I think. It's one thing for families to pop in and check on older people when there are a lot of them and they all live nearby, but quite another when there is a 3 hour car drive and it all falls on one or two people.

My MIL is in her late 90s and lives alone. My husband and his sisters make a point of visiting every day, but as there are three of them and we all live in a 20 mile radius it's not an onerous thing at all. Between them they take her shopping, to the hairdresser, for Sunday lunch etc, and see that her grass and hedges are cut, as well as doing errands like collecting her pension. One person doing all this at a distance would be a different ball game.

I started writing that post then went to get some soup before finishing it, so despite the time lapse it was a cross post, but basically backing up what volver said, without having read her post.

Doodledog ??

I agree that it’s often a question of geography, Doodledog. However some people still seem to assume that many of us still have family living around the corner - I know only one person who does - at nearly 70 she’s never moved from the house she grew up in.

Having moved many times, not out of necessity for the last two moves, my mother in her old age was 20 miles from my brother, 60 miles from me, about 250 miles from one sister, and an 8 hour flight from the other.

I might add that for nearly all of their adult lives, neither of my parents (born 1916 and 1918) lived within any kind of ‘popping in’ distance from their own parents. Neither did 3 out of 4 of my mother’s siblings. (My father was an ‘only’)

So it’s not as if it was a common given with an older generation, either.
By far the most moves in this family were always for work/better opportunities.

Sometimes it’s more than one person can do.

Anybody who has cared for a relative who has dementia and does unpredictable and alarming things any time of the day or night, needing constant attention knows that there comes a point where you need several people.
Not just one or two trying to cook a meal, keep up with the washing, prevent the wandering, answer the endless questions, stop the self harm, deal with the medication….

Oh the luxury of a couple of hours sleep or being able to go to the toilet without rushing.

Yes I agree, sorry, I am from a large family admittedly we do live some distance from each other were able to support each other. I can see the difficulties.

Thank you for coming back to say that Barmeyoldbat

I’m not sure why children should be expected to care for their parents. As well as the issues Volver highlighted, what if those parents were not even good parents?

I’m trying to manage my 94yo mother, as well as provide childcare to two small grandchildren, move house, cope with my own medical issues, spend time with my dh and give my other three DC a bit of attention.

I saw the carnage wrought on our lives by my own grandfather and I’m not doing that to my family. I also have two siblings who think because they ring up our mother once every couple of weeks they deserve a ruddy medal.

Somehow, when it came to my mother and MiL we just did it. It wasn't a conscious thing or even an overnight thing. We just found ourselves organising and providing the necessary practical support for them both as required. It wasn't easy. We were both working full time. My sister did a lot for my mum and DH was very involved with his mum's care and financial management.
As I said, we didn't think about it all, just got on with it. It's part of life I suppose. We've made it clear that we don't want to be a burden and any savings we have left must be used for whatever form our care needs might be. If there's anything left when we've gone then the ACs are welcome to it.

All families manage in different ways

Tenants in common

Get him to ask himself next time! Do you have a financial adviser you can ask?

Barmeyoldbat

It might be what Mr B and I did. First we changed our house deeds to becoming joint tenants. This means we each own a half share of our property and so we can in our wills leave our own share to whoever we want. If one of us went into care then the financial assessment will only take. Into account the 50% share of the house that you own. You don’t save paying all your fees but you do save 50%. We also both made wills leaving our share in Trust, to our son, so it continues should one of us die. See a solicitor who deals with inheritance and trusts. Easy to do and you can continue to live in your house or sell i and say downsize.

In Scotland the house will not have be sold while one half of the couple still lives there. If you sell the house to buy a smaller one then the local authority can claim half of the difference in price that would belongs to the one in a home .