Looking after grandchildren

You're a saint C4role59, I couldn't do it, I've had my children and did the school run for 25 years. Children these days seem to need constant stimulation and they are very hard work, you will probably get some suggestions as to what to say from other G'netters, unfortunately I'm a people pleaser and wouldn't know what to say but you are going to have to say something - it's just too much.

Just give the family plenty of warning, tell them the truth and let them sort it out. It’s not your job to have to help. I’m sure you would be willing to help out in an emergency.

Would it be possible to just take the five year old to school? Forget ironing uniform and undone homework. That's not on you. If her clothes are rumpled, too bad. Tell the parents that you are unable to look after the two year old and they'll have to find an alternative. As others have said, give them plenty of notice.

It’s not unreasonable surely for GD to be delivered to you ready for school and should homework not have been done the night before?
Mind you, how much homework should a 5 year-old get? Learning their spellings used to be as much as my children were ever expected to do.
I assume their mum works full-time so she must be super grateful for your contribution, but if it is too much, could she not use a before school breakfast club for the older girl?
As for the 2 year old, well there’s a reason they call them terrible twos isn’t there? Could you find a local pre-school or playgroup for part of those days?
I do sympathise, but you will also know the close relationship you must have with your GDs which many here would also envy.

Please act on your feelings. I recognize how difficult it is to say" no"
but you you are doing a great deal! Much as we love our GC they are not our responsibility. Often AC don't recognize that we are getting older! They don't like the thought of strong reliable Mum not being as capable as she was ! Speak to your AC and explain, the parents will have to accommodate your worries. I was doing quite a lot for my GC but when the pandemic hit my daughter didn't want to put me and DH at risk by having the children. I was not sorry as it was becoming a chore !! Eldest now in school and little one starts in September. I have said I will take care of them now and again in school holidays. We are advancing in years and love having the children occasionally!! You are not letting them down!!! You are protecting yourself. If like me you only have the children occasionally you will regain your emotional strength abd having the children will be a joy not a chore.

It’s a commitment which will certainly affect your free time and social life.
Us people pleasers find it difficult, but say something now before you get tied in even more. What starts as a favour can become a burden to resent which no one wants.

Please be brave and tell them !

I have friends in exactly this situation and in school holidays, they're expected to do even more because the parents have to work. For one friend in particular, it's become a crushing responsibility that's beginning to cause friction. Please speak up now before it gets to a level that you just don't feel you can sustain.

If you dont want to do this please tell your daughter. She will have to arrange breakfast and after School club, she will also have to arrange childcare for the 2 year old.
Where will this stop, will she start to expect you to have the older one during the School holidays?
I too would press the uniform though as I would not want a child going to school looking scruffy, it's a pride thing. You could ask your daughter to do it though.
You need to have this conversation sooner rather than later.

Do not iron uniform! Do not fret about homework! Neither are your problem.

I did quite a lot of child care when mine were smaller but had always discussed it in detail with DDs and made it clear what level of help I could manage. If it is getting too much you must say, and look for a compromise.

But certainly do not get engaged in jobs that are not yours - I can honestly say that I never once ironed any school uniform!

If it’s becoming too much for you then I’d tell them, just give them enough notice. Think of yourself, it’s shame that you dil couldn’t have the 5 year olds uniform looking presentable before she arrived to you, and doesn’t the homework get done the night before, good luck to you.

C4role59,
I am in a similar situation to you, the difference being I will be picking up GS from school but only twice a week but also look after 2yr old as well.
Be assertive and tell them, and also give plenty of notice, this is what I am going to do.
Good luck.

Can only add my agreement that you need to tell them, giving them plenty of notice to make other arrangements C4role. Good luck.

I would say the uniform doesn’t matter much, she’s only 5, and the same for homework, abroad they don’t have homework till much later.

Sounds like the parents are overwhelmed too. Don’t mention the uniform too, just explain that you are burnt out and can no longer keep it up on your doctors advice. A white lie will lay the blame elsewhere.
Then give a decent amount of notice and then put your feet up, you deserve it!

I used to do a bit of Child Minding when my youngest was two. The main child I looked after was also two and would be delivered with unpressed clothes and unbrushed hair. The mum was very stressed. They had previously lived in Washington USA where they had a full time nanny.

It is lovely that you. have been supporting your family by looking after the grandchildren. However, you are not helping by doing the childs homework, leave that alone and let the teachers deal with it with the parents; otherwise the teachers have a false understanding of the Childs capabilities.

Whilst it great to help with the ironing now and again why are you doing it on a regular basis - the parents will simply keep taking advantage and nothing will ever change.

Surely the two year old can go to a local nursery and when he/she turns three isn't there funding in place to help with costs?

Please, just tell them it’s getting too much now. I don’t think younger parents can often understand how much more tiring small children are when you’re older.

I couldn’t cope with a 2 year old on a regular basis now. (I’m 73) The occasional one-off, fine.

We do have the two elder (just 6 and 7) for a couple of nights on and off in the holidays - they’re relatively very easy now, but the 2 1/2 year old will still go to nursery or childminder.

I was 6 years younger when I looked after the eldest, then still under 2, for most of a week, when the baby was in ICU for a week with severe bronchiolitis, so that was a very necessary one-off. But I felt like a wet rag at the end of it, and succumbed immediately to a rotten cold, swiftly followed by shingles.

So I’d never underestimate the effects of exhaustion on your immune system when you’re getting on a bit!

Please tell the parents the arrangement is no longer working for you

It is ok when circumstances change and what worked in the past does not now.

My grandchild lives at the other end of the country, so I am quite envious of the close contact you have with yours. However, I can see that it would be tiring doing what you have to do every week. Could you offer a compromise, e.g. take child to school x3 days, offer to pay for breakfast club the other 2 days? Have the 2-year old once a week instead of twice?

I would love to look after my grandchildren.... I never see them though. Count your blessings....

Taking GC to school is a full week commitment and you aren’t able to have days for yourself. Maybe you could just do the school run on the days when you have the younger GC, then you will have three days to recover and do things you would like to do. The ‘terrible twos’ are an acknowledged challenge so perhaps you could suggest to your AC that you don’t have the energy to carry on as you have been.

Talk it out but don't give it up. I'd sell my soul to be in your shoes. As others have said, the uniform and homework aren't yours to deal with.

You must tell them. I did it (told them I mean) and though I sensed they were at first, disappointed, I think they understood. I was already committed to looking after my daughters 2 children. But I offered to do occasional babysitting if they needed to go out in the evening etc. It worked out fine. I felt no guilt, because my d.I.l.s parents were available and if it came to that they could afford to pay for childminders.

Give them notice that you are retiring from providing regular childcare.