Help - strained relationship with grandkids because off DIL methods

What smothering has your DIL done?

Most 5 and 7 year olds would be overawed by being in a strange place doing things they aren't used to, never mind being expected to be close (in the sense of holding hands) to someone they probably don't know very well.

I understand that it must be difficult not to have that close relationship that many grans have when their children live close by, but it can't be forced.

I'm sure you are a good MIL and grandparent, but they are only little, and their mum knows better than you do where they will be comfortable. Also, it is her trip too - she has travelled a long way, and there may be things that she wants to do while she's here.

Try to remember the good bits, rather than feeling depressed, and whatever you do, don't complain about it if you want them to come back.

It is probably just because they do not know you so understandably want to be with their mother.

I am assuming they are brought up by your son as well so why do you just blame their mother?

I understand how you feel , but they are not necessarily smothered. Naturally they want to be near the person they know most, their mother. They don't know you so well, not having close contact with you .
I'm sure you did wonderfully so don't let this spoil the visit.

My 3GD are all obsessed with their mums ( ages 7 4 and 3) ....and I see one of them weekly and the other 2 i see 4 to 5 times a week....don't take it personally ....8m sure they had a l9vely visit

Many children want to be with their mums. I was the same. My DGD screamed blue murder every time she saw me until she was about two (we laugh at it now she’s 19 and very huggy and cuddly). Also these children don’t really know you. They are too young. Is it possible for you to visit them in their own home where they feel more comfortable and can show you things about their lives.

Children naturally gravitate to their mom. She is their safe person.
They are in a strange country, 100s of miles from home and going to places to have never been before.

Of course they want their mom.

They have a devoted, loving Mother who they obviously feel safe with. Please look for the positives in this and not make it negative.

Congratulations on your anniversary

Nope.
Can't say I've ever had the experience of being depressed about a child wanting to be close to their mum.
I always enjoyed watching my grandchildren with their mum.

What “methods” are you objecting to? A mum being close to her children? Some children are more closely attached than others and want to be close to their parents , whereas others are more outgoing. Don’t blame mum’s ( or Dad’s? ) parenting style.

I don't have anything to add to previous comments...

It all sounds very healthy and normal to me

It is natural the children stayed near their mother - in a strange place, having had a long journey, lots of new people around them. I suspect they picked up on your desperation to be close to them, cuddling them etc - children do not like that.

It is difficult being a long-distance grandparent - but the most important thing is to respect the children's needs and wishes.

Whenever I went out with my daughter and granddaughter, she would hold her mum's hand not mine. That's natural.

It. is totally natural for children of that age to want their mother especially in a busy strange place and doing all these exciting things. They were probably a bit overwhelmed doing all that and with long plane journeys. Also would have cost a lot to come that way and naturally the parents would want to make the most of their holiday and see things they have chosen to see. Children don't look on relationships like adults. My DGC are all over DH who plays schools and whatever else with them. I just look on it as a chance to prepare the meals or tidy or get ready for bedtime rush. We've just had 2 of them for first time overnight after DH stroke and are both exhausted but was great fun.

The distance between you is probably a concern for you thinking you may never be close with them. They have a loving mum who will bring up up right and they will love you their own way distance or not. Don’t take it to heart I tend to take things to heart it’s just the way we are as grandparents. As parents we all had our own way of doing things now it’s our role to sit back.
I think my three are over pampered but I try to keep my opinion to myself ? which I find very difficult!

What a sad and strange views you expressed AngelaGran. 5 and 7 years old, in a strange country I’d be concerned if the children didn’t want to sit next to, hold hands with mummy. In what way has you daughter in law smothered them?

Our daughter and grandchildren live with us, the youngest since she was just a year old.

But she is a real mummies girl, we have a good relationship, but if she wakes up at night, only mummy will do, if something makes her sad, only mummy will do.

I don’t take it personally, and you shouldn’t either, like others have said, they are in a strange country, and they don’t really know you.

Don’t fret it. I agree with what others have said.
Also, children are all different. My first Grandson was a very cuddly child and at 19 still is happy to give me a hug.
My second Grandson who is 6 doesn’t give them freely but will sometimes sidle up for a hug . So far , not sure about the 3rd one who is 15 months old. So far just trying to get him to stand still long enough would be good

I can see you were very invested in this occasion and did a lot of planning to make it special, but it didn’t play out as you had imagined, so you feel depressed.
Perhaps do you think it was your expectations rather than their behaviour which let you down?

Funny word,smothering. I couldn’t really get past it because I didn’t get it.

in a strange country I’d be concerned if the children didn’t want to sit next to, hold hands with mummy.

Nothing to add to this really, it says it all. My GC see me most days but, when we're out and about as a whole family, it's their mummy's and daddy's they sit next to or who's hands they hold. And that's perfectly natural.

I’m sorry but this is so typical of why daughter/mother in law relationships go sour. You are blaming your DiL for nothing in particular, your son is clearly too perfect to be anything other than the perfect parent.
When our son was born my MiL said “we look forward to having as much time and sharing things with DGS but we won’t interfere in any way” and they didn’t. No advice unless asked for, no trying to undermine relationships. The perfect MiL and FiL.

My thoughts too Farzanah

My little granddaughter will play happily all day, but even as a baby, first sight of her mummy, she’d be trembling with excitement, I think she would have crawled over hot coals to get to her.

is this a reversal.