Disabled friend who can’t keep up.

You've reminded me of a craft fair I went to with my Mum many moons ago Treetops05, she had spinal trouble and had difficulty walking. It was a nightmare for her as it was on a field with many lumps and bumps, we couldn't stay long. I'm glad you were able to scoot around.

I hadn't realised my mobility was affecting my time out, until my daughter booked me a scooter at a craft fair. Pre arranged and a quick lesson before entering the hall. It was a game changer, I now hire them in all sorts of places. I also have a golf caddy for the garden...really helps me get around, and much less exhausted...I do notice though I end up 'carrying' lots of bits for everyone ;)

Zoejory

*BluebellGran*, this has quite upset me as it happened with my mother and her group of friends. She'd been having lunch with this group of 4 for over 50 years. They'd all met when their children were at school and had remained friends.

My mother ended up having a couple of strokes. She improved but it became obvious. that her lunch dates were being curtailed due to the fact she was not as fit and able as the other ladies.

I can totally understand your point of view but we all must remember that one of these days we might end up as being the slow one etc etc.

We never knows what's round the corner and none of us will live forever.

I strongly agree

Yes, very. It'll soon be you're turn.

You know you are being selfish you aren't much of a friend

silverlining48

If it hasn’t already been said, pushing a wheelchair is hard work if you are young and fit, but you are all in late 70 s and it would be very difficult managing hills and Kerbs etc.
I hope you can find a solution. I feel for your friend.

Most definitely. My disabled adult DS can walk but needs to be in a wheelchair for longer distances or busy places, he's tiny - adult but kid size and weight - and I find even him hard to push and tell him to hop out for step, kerbs, slopes and gravel!!! Gravel is very difficult!!

Plus there's all the heaving the chair in and out the car!

Gabrille56 - do you have to be so nasty? Yes the occasional outing that would fit the abilities of this lady would be appropriate - but why on earth should the rest of them stop doing things they enjoy? Keeping fit is important in later life, those who can and enjoy more strenuous activities should do them as much as possible, because nobody knows how long they will be capable!

My mother-in-law has the opposite problem - she lives in sheltered housing and an old school friend of hers lives in the flat next door. Up until a couple of years ago they would travel together on short breaks around England, including visiting me and my late husband. However, my MIL has osteoporosis and spondylosis and now has trouble with walking any distance. Her friend is getting offended that she keeps refusing to go on trips and does not seem to understand that her mobility is much worse than it was a couple of years ago. I honestly don't know what to suggest to her - she does not need a wheelchair but has a lot of back pain and is incapable of the mobility she managed a fairly short time ago.

In this situation ( which I am now in) I ALWAYS ALWAYS view how my lack of mobility affects whatever situation I am in and how it will affect others. I have a choice of wheelchair or scooter and if the outing with others isnt very accessible for either pieces of equipment, I dont go end of, or I go as far as is possible then I say to them you go and I will stay here with a coffee.

Does your friend realise the situation?

I most certainly wouldn't exclude her from all outings that wouldnt be fair at all, but you could arrange a time together knowing she could participate and enjoy it and then arrange an outing that maybe she could go on partly and then suggest she has a coffee in a cafe ORRR lay cards on table and explain your concern...

silverlining48

You are so right Zoe. No we don’t know what us round the corner. This time last year I was as fit as a flea, nothing wrong with me, but now have had hip surgery and on the list fir another operation. My mobility is now affected which has limited my life.
I hope your mum wasn’t too upset with her friends. It’s difficult.

Thank you, silverlining48

It is indeed a very difficult situation.

My mum had such a lovely personality, it really upset me far more than it did her. She was always smiling and saw good in everyone, even when it wasn't always there!

I do hope your mobility improves after your operation

I met up with some old childhood friends recently and one is struggling with walking (waiting for knee replacements). It certainly reminded us how we take our health for granted till it’s gone. Worried about causing offence but more worried for her obvious discomfort I asked if she would mind me asking for passenger assistance at the train stations. She was more than happy with this, there was plenty of help available and it made it so much easier for us all. It might be worth raising it with your friend and thinking about what help there is available to help.

When I broke my ankle in Spain, I spent 4 Months in a wheelchair. I hated it if anyone pushed me at speed, making me feel sick. I preferred to drive it myself. A simple hired one with no electricity. Locked it at night next to the bed for trips to the loo. It didn’t fit in the bathroom but used a crutch. Do they not have these wheelchairs in the UK?

My sister has a few mobility problems but we talk about whether she could cope with something and if she feels it is too tiring she will either not go or come along and sit somewhere and wait for me to finidh the walk/tour or whatever. Surely you just all need to talk to her and say tht you think some things might be too much for her.

Freespirit55 - l think you put it well. Up until an accident which in itself was innocuous but led to mobility problems and now have developed a lung condition l spend my time trying to get out of things. l have a holiday home and we have sailed, walked and swim there for the last 40 years. Now l cannot cope with the rocks to get onto the beach and the steep walk up is difficult. My family cagoal and just do not listen. We have a big get together in November at Centre Parks with my sister, her family, all grandchildren etc and l am already trying to think how to pay our share but not go. We used to go when the children were little with another family so l know what to expect. My son, dil and husbund are all medics and full of usless info in what l should "tell" my GP and do not understand my reluctance. ( l am not without alot of experience ). My sister in 10yrs younger than me and tries to understand but the thing is l become the focal point of lots of advice and "why don't l". l can do alot and have set my homes up to suit me. when l retired l thought we would pick up ski ing etc but it hasn't worked out like that. So l have accepted my limitations and am not going to get depressed about what might have been but focus on what l can do eg push scooter to the pub!. Others just cannot accept it. So if l was in your friend l would say great you go off and l will meet you wherever for lunch / afternoon tea and get there at my own pace. You know when people are fustrated by you. l have lived in my village since 1991 and used to join in alot of things then work and other commitments took over . Usually you would meet at the village fetes and keep in contact. This l cannot do because they are usually held in "the big wigs" gargens so few places to perch. A person who has moved in to the area knocked on the door to invite me to the fete .... then left a little red faced as l explained the situation. Nice thought though.

We have one just like that, she doesn’t think how we can’t just be happy sitting on a bench and not seeing what we’ve come to see. She sulks. I’ve stopped going, there was no point.

I’ve arthritis so I do understand this one, personally I think you should tell her straight after all are you not supposed to be friends. Friends should beable to tell each other anything no matter how nice or painful. You could say we don’t want to leave you behind but think you should get a mobility scooter to keep up with us then you won’t miss out or if you can’t tell her get a booklet and say one of them will be less pressure on your legs and just remember one day when you in her position and ppl go online to talk about you lol. Just be honest with her I would rather someone be honest with me than talk about me like I’m a burden

It seems that quite a lot of the larger garden centres do have wheelchairs that you can borrow. Just be wary of the terrain if in a garden. We borrowed one recently and the brakes were on the handles at the back and I couldn't hold the darn thing on a slight slope, so DH had to take his feet off the rests and plant them on the ground while I sought help to get him back to the starting point.

Arrange an assortment of trips so that she can select the ones that she feels able to do and reject the more difficult ones, that way you all see each other and all benefit from days out.

Hi I have disabilities so I understand how hard it is to keep up, lost a lot of friends due to this who I realise weren’t my friends. I’ve none now which is a shame but the ring leader who pushed out won in the end. Be kind to your friend it’s so hard fitting in and trying to live a normal life

I was seventy five when I first had pain and difficulty walking but it didn’t stop me going on coach holidays home and abroad and. Visiting relatives in Barbados and California first with a walker and then a scooter. Most NT houses and gardens have scooter for hire. Everyone was very helpful. I only gave up when I was 82 after I felt guilty having to be helped when in Monaco because there were so many steps.
I only gave up:my scooter at the age of 95 because there are few footpaths in the village and large lorries use it’s a cut through.

My mother resisted a wheelchair until on a visit to a zoo she allowed us to borrow one. The service she received and the queue jumping made the trip a joy, after which she looked forward to outings with a hired wheelchair.
With regards to your friend I would let her know that you were organising an outing that she would be able to enjoy if she agreed to use a wheelchair. The Red Cross used to lend chairs. Ensuring that you could supply one would make the conversation easier.

How's about going to cinema/ theatre/ anywhere more sitty- downey?! Do you have to be showing off climbing mountains and making out you're still fit as fiddles and ageless?! Try doing a few things more suited to the slower less abled of your group and yes I do think you sound a bit selfish and uncaring , how would you like to be thought of as an millstone around your so named friends necks? Have a bit of clever thought for a change!

I have nothing but admiration fir those who drive mobility scooters. They seem so confident. I am sure I would be nervous, especially with kerbs and uneven surfaces etc.

I am disabled and use a mobility scooter, I've always been independent and it gives me the freedom I need. I go to town on it, park, shops etc and i haven't really found a problem. I would talk to your friend about getting or hiring one, they're very easy to control.

silverlining48

If it hasn’t already been said, pushing a wheelchair is hard work if you are young and fit, but you are all in late 70 s and it would be very difficult managing hills and Kerbs etc.
I hope you can find a solution. I feel for your friend.

Agreed. A friend was once utterly exhausted trying to push her (heavy) dh around somewhere - IIRC it was The Eden Project. We later went to Kew with him, but were able to book a mobility scooter, which was fine.