I’m quite disturbed about this, is it acceptable?

My 102 year old mother is in a care home. They are allowed to have small drink in the evening. I take a bottle of Sherry n I’m told to put her name on it. Sometimes a residents daughter will bring in a bottle of Baileys. I take chocolates but check that its ok as some are diabetic. The carers are lovely. So much so that I enjoy taking little treats in for them on eg birthday etc. I have never been asked to take anything in. Toiletries are provided by me for my mother. The food is excellent I’ve visited at meal times plus my mother says they are excellent. My mother is constantly asking to buy food because just like your own husband said it’s a habit. She soon forgets so I wouldn’t be too concerned. No
Money allowed for obvious reasons but I take her out and let her choose items she likes maybe a small ornament for her room etc.

Again, robust paperwork solves that problem.
I regularly used to give "my ladies" in one home a little tipple, and they'd all go happily off to bed saying "I love you all!"
There was no reason not to, because I had checked their medications, mobility, history, and so on.

GrammyGrammy

Oopsadaisy1

When she asks you to go out and buy things, just tell her that the shop has sold out.
If she doesn’t have dementia she will soon get the message, someone has to stop this behaviour and I’m afraid it’s you and your sister.

Lying is a sin. Tell the truth.

Totally agree. There are better ways than lying.

Nannee49

*maddyone * I apologise for thinking you asked if it was unreasonable rather than unethical behaviour but I would still have posted it was unfair of you to assume dodgy carer motives knowing your mum as you do.

And I would ask you not to apply the same logic of assumption to me. I am neither an unsympathetic person just because my view doesn't fit your narrative nor am I ignorant of the cruelty and hurt that can exist in mother/daughter relationships and, again, would ask you not to make assumptions because I disagree with your POV.

It's a puzzle to me why you would invite opinions on your dilemma if all you want is approbation.

Stop gaslighting the OP!

Antonia

*The care home where my relative is serves wine with dinner but I'm sure it's not a great idea for residents to be allowed to keep spirits in their rooms.*
Firstly, the staff will know which residents are allowed alcohol as some may be on medication which reacts adversely to alcohol.

Secondly, how would staff deal with a resident who has over-imbibed and is drunk and disorderly? They need to have some checks and controls for health and safety reasons.

I'm sure that's true, but to me it's another example of the loss of independence which is inherent in going into a care home.
I hope I never finish up in one as I'm sure I would be perceived as a very difficult resident.

I agree, Antonia but for the sake of the staff and other residents I think there have to be some reasonable rules.

I remember a friend telling me many years ago that her father was allowed a bottle of brandy in his room but then started saying the bottle was going down because one of the carers was drinking it.
In all probability it was not true as he had memory loss but a difficult situation for carers to be put in.

Oopsadaisy1

When she asks you to go out and buy things, just tell her that the shop has sold out.
If she doesn’t have dementia she will soon get the message, someone has to stop this behaviour and I’m afraid it’s you and your sister.

Lying is a sin. Tell the truth.

Your clever husband is absolutely right- it is indeed an attempt to control you and yes its a sign of narcissism. On the other hand she is not in prison and wanting the odd thing brought in for her is fair enough. To manage this- tell your mother that she is sending you on errands to control you and NO she does not get to do this anymore. If she wants an item you will bring it to her on your next visit but no more being sent out on errands. As for the alcohol for the care staff- absolutely wrong and needs reporting to the boss. Keep an eye on her spending and what it goes on!

I totally agree with Nannee49. If your Mom wants to buy a few things and she has enough money to do so - then why shouldn't she? If she is a little lame and can't get out and about alone, then sadly she is pretty much a prisoner? However, even prisoners if they have the funds, can order food and toiletries online. I am guessing your Mom isn't internet savvy, meaning you and to a lesser extent your daughter in law are her only means of obtaining anything.
Put the shoe on the other foot and imagine how you would be, stuck there with everyone ignoring your requests, because you " have everything you need". We all have needs and wants and just because we are "old and being cared for" doesn't mean that they go away.

Hello there.
I think your Husband is spot on...I would start to say no sometimes....She really does sound unkind ...

@maddyone I know the people who want to defend the carer and say don't speak to the manager mean well but if she is innocent (and she might be) then she is walking herself into trouble with this kind of interraction with residents. So no....don't go in with all guns blazing but do discuss your worries maybe couched along the lines of wanting to protect the carer from your mum's behaviour?

Redhead56

Our uncle was giving his carer money a lot of money it should have never been accepted.

You should simply refuse to get items requested and make sure minimal amount of money is available to spend. Visit less often and you will be more appreciated.

I agree, you can actually visit TOO OFTEN. Cut back, you don’t need to go as often as you are. You are enabling I’m afraid to say.

You need to learn NO. NO I won’t go out shopping for you and NO I will not buy a carer a bottle of drink (or anything else). I work in a care home. NO is a word that they have to get used to and will soon stop asking. Don’t be taken for a fool.

Could it be the covid has changed her taste buds too, if she's saying she likes things, then when she eats them saying she doesn't like them? Thats something you could consider as well rather than she's just doing that to be difficult.A lot of folk who've contracted covid19 have noticed a change in their taste/smell and dislike things now.?

Ok so here’s the thing, both my MiL and my Aunty are in different local care homes. Their “fees” (one is private and one council funded but in same group of homes) simply cover board and all meals but no soap, toothpaste, tenna ladies etc etc. In both homes, without exception the management and carers are amazing !! We sometimes take a big box of biscuits or chocolates in for the staff and several bottles of Prosecco at Christmas. Never have staff asked either of them to purchase gifts, but policy is small gifts for carers are acceptable but clearly not money. Both MiL and Aunty have two different forms of dementia.

Maybe I’m misunderstanding but why is your mum still maintaining her own flat ??

Anyway hope you sort it all out

Perhaps you just need to be firm and say no, you are not going shopping for her as she has everything she needs in the home. My mum is narcissistic too and would have my sister and I running errands all the time but we both agree that we say the same thing to her.

Shandy57

This has made me wonder, are all the things you have been buying going to this 'carer'?

I wondered this too.

maddyone it sounds so familiar. My mother was manipulative and narcissistic. She never lost this until the last few months of her life. We had carers come to the home and she wanted to show what a grand lady she was by giving them gifts. The agency didn't allow this other than gifts under a fiver at Christmas. My mother would weep that I was being unkind and that if she wanted to give them her jewellery or money, she could. My mother also sent me out to buy many things she didn't really want or need. As the dutiful daughter I would spend days looking for the ideal cardigan, socks, shoes etc. Once bought, they would sit in a pile in the corner of the room untouched (the charity shops did well after she died). It was her urge for buying as well as her desire to control. If I didn't or couldn't, I was told that, of course, my sibling would have managed it but they had such an important job that she would never ask them. I had a part-time job, but it wasn't "important" in her eyes. And so it went on. Don't buy all this stuff, is my recommendation. Maybe get the home to explain the rules to her? It would be better coming from them than you.

Try just take her 'nice' things to eat in instead- like a small basket of fruit or small box of chocs to munch when she watches tv, (not much just matchmakers or after eight thins, so not to ruin her appetite) or a ladies magazine to browse, so you feel like she's getting a treat, or some squash to drink, but stop taking food like tinned items,soups etc.there's no need if they provide her meals is there, so tell her so.Take small clothes items like wooly bed socks or undies, but not expensive stuff anymore.Or a nice photo of the grandchildren(in a non expensive cheaper frame) perhaps? Anything thats nice but not worth stealing is my suggestion.

Yes i agree with most others, this asking for alcohol seems dodgy, and i would ask with management, and ask if they know where all her cash she brought in has gone too- might be they have put it in the safe- might not, but you need to know, also STOP just buying her things willy nilly & taking them straight to her room- if that carer IS on the take then for all you know she IS helping herself to any of the residents new stuff knowing a lot of them won't remember using it or even having it- maybe that could be why your mum keeps on asking again, because they have disappeared?- also it could be her way of 'controlling' her own life, her own situation? Obviously she can't just trip out to the shops anymore so is getting new things this way- also some old folk had trouble getting things at all when young or if in war time, so there's a 'need' to have these things now perhaps? Not necessarily to control you in particular.But definitely cut down on bringing things in, tell her you can't all the time as the home doesn't allow it much, or some such.And check what she has first- if she asks for things, check whether she really has run out of powder or face creams etc etc first. And if she's got plenty of whatever it is left, then tell her NO as she's got some.And log ALL new items you bring with the manager.Also old folk i think can be easily swayed by adverts on tv- (as she obviously watches tv) telling them they need 'such &such' item, and making it seem so wonderful they must have it- so watch for that too! But certainly the Dissarono thing seems dodgy- mention it to management, could be you're right about that carer, and management are unaware, and would definitely want to know- its a nice home for a reason, and the management will want it to stay that way.So dont worry about telling them, i would tell them if it were my relative in that situation.?

Hello Maddyone
I wonder, if you haven't been able to say 'no' to your mother in the past, is she continuing and accelerating previous behaviours? Why not get her to write a list that you get once a week or every 10 days and say that's all you are able to do. And flatly refuse to be running around for her. Break that pattern. It's never too late to stand up to being manipulated and controlled. As you say, she wasn't a kind or good mother and I don't imagine she's going to change now. If she was/still is naricissistic, remember that they have no interest in the wellbeing of others and can be ruthlessly selfish. Look after yourself and use your time to enjoy the things you like doing. It sounds like she is in a good and caring home. Could you address the issues of the gift and get clarity about how she is, what she's eating etc from the homes manager...and then relax?

Your Mother is clearly trying to control you as she seems to have always done, you cannot control her actions or demands but you can spoon something about yours, there is clearly a part of you that really wants approval and validation from your mum which is perfectly understandable but in this case , I don’t think a leopard is going to change its spots, please do what is best for you .
I would speak to the manager of the home about the alcohol though

Whilst I fully understand what you are saying about your mother always having manipulating you, is it possible that the loss of control for a controlling lady is making her ask for stuff she doesn't really need or by the sounds of things, want. If she has dementia, this kind of thing seems to happen. My Mum was a very controlling person and this is one of the things I notice about her. The less control she perceives she has, the more she tries to control. Fortunately, her poor memory allows us to smile sweetly, look as is we are going to comply and then hope she forgets. 98% of the time she does and the other 2%, we apologise for being hopeless and move on.
It would be good for you to know what the rules are about gifts for the carers so you know what should be happening and I am sure that the management will be more than happy to enlighten you.
You have my utmost sympathy being THE daughter who gets the grunt work. This is my position too and as much as I would like to take the same approach as my sister, I find it impossible to turn my back on a vulnerable human being.

I am wondering if someone there is taking advantage of her and getting her to buy things (via a relative) when they are not actually for her, but them?.....

When my parents were in a home, my sister and I used to buy chocolates or a large tin of biscuits eg at Christmas, for ALL the kind people who looked after them to share. They must have been inundated! We of course bought my parents their personal care items; my Mums favourite face cream, hairspray etc and sweets for my Dad who had dementia and developed a great nostalgia for the treats of his youth! If the craved a certain type of food we might buy it for them but the home would always take note and provide it. They even used to order Indian takeaways for my Dad when he fancied a curry! I certainly don’t think it is right to supplement their food, apart from treats, and gift giving as mentioned is unethical to my mind. I certainly would refuse to be guilt tripped by your mother and have word with the home management about what has been said re gifts.

Who has Power of Attorney over her finances? Make sure you have it as this could potentially lead to issues. Get her to write a list and buy it once a month. Keep written proof of what you have bought and receipts but presume you know this already. As for the Disaronno perhaps it’s a birthday gift? If not it needs to stop.