Piggy in the middle[again]

Some of these comments aren’t helpful, or kind. It’s entirely up to your son and wife to decide what risks they feel comfortable with, no one else’s business, whatever they may think. People who ‘gad about’ have to expect that others will understandably want to keep some distance.
Hope it isn’t as difficult as you expect Joanna.

I feel for you stuck in the middle like this, but I am with your parents to be frank. They are elderly and vaccinated and want to spend their lives living not cowering outside people's houses on Christmas day. The risks here are; your parents health ( either covid, sadness or a chill), you (same, plus being stuck in the middle), not your son or grandchildren. Although the illness of your eldest grandchild 2 years ago was distressing and terrifying, it does not mean that everyone in the family has to pander to what is an obsession, at the risk of their own health. Spend Christmas with your parents and tell your son that he can collect presents from outside and then return to his home, I would also be reviewing child minding. The crap that some people put up with from their adult children astonishes me.

This is really OTT if you’re all vaccinated and have had boosters. Given that that’s the case, you and your parents are still the ones most at risk from Covid, not the children or their parents. I agree that if this is what your son and his wife want, then he should be the one to tell your parents, and not put you in such an awful situation. If it’s not too late, consider changing your plans to spend Christmas with your parents instead - you can always leave any gifts for your son and his family on their doorstep.

Hi Joanna - one of my son’s children is profoundly disabled. She is not eligible yet for a vaccine as she is 11. Naturally they have had to be very careful. She has 3 siblings- all of whom have had Covid. They are coming here on Boxing Day - my other children and grandchildren will be here. They have all been vaccinated, as have we - we are both clinically extremely vulnerable according to the Health minister - not that this has changed a thing!! However, we are all going to do a test on Boxing Day before they come - hopefully all negative- if not - they won’t come. Could your family do the same and have a test?

joanna reading all your comments...

Would it be fair to say your son doesn't like his grandparents? From your description they don't sound very reasonable.

Maybe it is time to stop being in the middle of this relationship nd stop trying to hold everyone together so that you aren't put in this position.

Let your son and parents sort their own relationships out, it shouldn't be your job

I feel I have to add that I don’t think your own parents are being in any way unreasonable No one has stated that they aren’t jabbed or willing to wear masks if it’s safe for you to visit your son it’s safe for your parents to do the same. Please think about your parents more carefully, who knows how many more Christmases you might have them with you. Is your son your only child ? I’m assuming as you child mind once a week both of them are working ?? Such an awful sad situation and as an outsider I’m sorry but your son and daughter in law seem paranoid and selfish ! Sorry if that sounds harsh !

I can only assume your son is not a fan of your parents, which they obviously don't realise.
What a horrible situation to be in.

It's easy to say none of this is your problem, but I do understand that sometimes you have to try to keep the peace, just because your find the drama of it all coming out, worse.

I have been in that situation a few times before, and it honestly made my life frightening..

I think I would spend Christmas with my parents to be honest.
Or morning with your son, afternoon with the parents.

Would your son still want you to childmind after that?

Harrumph!

Basic good manners are that if your son rescinds an invitation, he does it himself. So, before you pass the parcel back to him, have a think about what is going on, give your self time to pause & reflect. Then tell him directly & with no equivocation to be an adult & tell them himself.

Sorry to hear that your son & his wife had such an awful experience & understandably they are cautious. Stuff happens in life & in time they will need to come to terms with this otherwise the risk is that their fear will be passed on & restrict their children’s lives. If he speaks directly with his grandparents, then that is honest & direct.

Covid difference of opinion - no appealing to either side at this late stage.

Prepare to have a lively Christmas with your parents, make the most of your time with them. They will not be with you forever, however vaxxed & lively they are these days.

Should your son & DiL persist in not addressing their fears - I am not saying that they ignore their feelings or throw all common sense away - particularly in light of rational Covid risks as we go along, then I suggest that you reconsider how much of your own time you give to them e.g. childcare etc.

Sounds harsh? Disproportionate? Not really, because we all have to learn, throughout our lives, that other people have conflicting or competing priorities & that we all negotiate with each other all the time.

We are all adjusting as we go, & your priority is to put yourself first. Your child is now a fully fledged adult, let him do things his way, & you adjust your offer so that your needs are prioritised.

It is a curious piece of doublethink that you have manage your life that you are fit & Covid free to meet their childcare arrangements, but your parents who are vaxxed/low risk can be barred.

‘Hey Son, telling you direct in advance, I can no longer manage my life so that I meet your Covid avoiding childcare requirements. Plenty of nurseries nearby for you to use’.

Bear in mind, should you, or your OH/one of your parents need extra care support & you chose to meet this need, likely you’d drop the childcare arrangement.

Piggy in the middle? You are the only person who can make a change, adjust what you offer & see how things pan out.

I'm so sorry for you, what an awkward situation for you. But, tbh, it is your SON'S RESPONSIBILITY, he is an adult so why should he dump it on you?
Stick your ground, tell him it's his decision so HE can tell his grandparents!!!
And I wish you the very best for Christmas, without feelings of being put upon or being piggy in the middle! xx

Everyone has different relations to risk. Your son and his wife obviously have a higher aversion to it than your parents.
Your son can choose whatever he wants to do, his house his rules.
I have no clue what the relationship is between you all but if it has generally been good then would it not be easier just to let your son and his wife know that you respect their decision.
Then tell them that you will be spending the day with your parents so that they can enjoy the day safely without any Covid stress. I understand that you would like to spend the day with your grandchildren but there will be next year.
Have a lovely special day/meal at Easter instead.

Everyone is entitled to their own decisions over this Covid and Christmas issue - equally they are entitled to deliver their decisions themselves!! Your son really must take responsibility here. Is he a man or a ? . Sorry, that sounds rude, but honestly, I despair at the feebleness of the younger males of our species these days! This is why there are so many single parent families with only Mum at the head. They are fed up of having to look after the "men" as well!! Merry Christmas to you all in whatever form yours takes!

My 2 yr old grandaughter and her little sister of 6 weeks have just had Covid.
We have absolutely no idea how. Everyone else tested negative using PCRs
They have got over it okay although the 2 yr old seems to have gone off food totally apart from a few items of fruit.
Although she is only just 2 she did tell her mummy one day "But I can't smell it Mummy," so I do wonder if she lost her sense of taste too and it hasn't returned yet. She is now negative.
Personally, I would be much more worried about my 92 yr old mum than any of my 7 grandchildren.

It's up to Your sons he is a grownup to tell his Grandparents... I completely get Why he and wife would be apprehensive however he needs to be honest and certainly no need to be aggressive when explaining...Perhaps they could do Facetime or messenger on the day .
Take care

Granny Square I LOVED your post - particularly the Harumph! You echoed everything I think and I couldn't have expressed it as well.

TBH I feel outraged - sorry but I really do. And yes, definitely would be rethinking my childminding responsibilities.

I so feel for you, OP - please come back and let us know the outcome - and know, FWIW that the Wise Grans have your back

I'd would say, ok you do your own christmas and we will do ours. Yes it is your son but you have been swayed (once again?) that you will again be the baddie. sorry would not do for me. I lost my dad last year and time is precious. Sorry but that's what I would do

OP

You are not piggy in the middle, you are firmly picking your parents' side, for a long time.

I would be careful this impacting your relationship with your son and your gc.

www.gransnet.com/forums/ask_a_gran/a1302263-advice-please

"my son and his wife are very strict with covid and have only just started back in office work and don't leave anyone in the house so my parents going in is a big thing for them,*my main problem is my parents they have not been careful from day one and blame everyone else but themselves for a the covid numbers* etc and i feel really stuck in the middle,i am proud of my son and his wife for all the actions they have taken but i know when i tell my mum later she will not be happy.I have had so many sleepless nights stressing about one and the other i really am in the middle."

Bolding is mine

On re-reading your post I realised you babysit. So that’s obviously considered OK, risk wise. I think I’d be rethinking that one.

Suzey

So you're allowed in because you baby sit how convenient ! what a selfish son you have

If my choices to protect my children were between my mother who is cautious and my grandparents who did whatever they wanted I would absolutely be choosing my mother over my grandparents. Especially with small children who cannot be vaccinated and are therefore more vulnerable to catching Covid than the grandparents who are triple jabbed.

Not at all selfish.

Possibly strange, considering I know 2 nursery staff, and neither are vaccinated.

I hope your father is no longer driving.

There is another post about your mother being controlling and she doesnt want to change how xmas is celebrated

Who invited them to your son's home in xmas? Themselves, your son or you?

They honestly sound very unpleasant to deal with.

This goes beyond covid, I bet you have been appeasing them all their lives.

I would j
Have a lovely Christmas Day with parents. How hurtful.
Be strong, your parents won't be here forever

I dont6think that is necessarily true.
My mum had me run ragged at times, during the last few years of her life.

She never had before, it wasn't in her nature, nor mine to "do as I'm told".

It's just how things end up, sometimes, and I tried not to begrudge it, even it I didn't always manage that.

Just Don't. Tell him it is for him to let them know - have they actually been invited or is there some assuming going on? It really, really IS NOT YOUR PLACE OR JOB. He is grown up with his own family - why can't he just explain it to them.

Dont do the dirty work its your Sons responsibility to tell your parents, you could point out who knows if it might be the last Christmas you have together.I have had a little problem with some of my family where to be and who to visit on Christmas Day,I said I am getting on and who knows if I will still be here next Christmas, that kept them quiet.