I’ve been a toxic daughter in law!

It takes a lot to admit you didn’t behave as well as you could - send a letter/take flowers/have an honest conversation - hopefully any or all will be well received and you can move forward in life. It’s all a learning curve, none of us are perfect ??

Take a nice bunch of flowers & then give a brief apology. Don't make too much of it but say you know you have been difficult & you are trying to be nicer in future..
Then if a hug is in order - great. If not that sort of relationship just a big smile

Hi OP, please do NOT do the apology face to face like Mokryna has told you to do! I am a Mil who has had some falling outs with my DiL, both to blame on different occasions, I also hate conflict, and much prefer to have time to digest important things than reacting straight away. I would hate my DiL to discuss something like that with me face to face, but I would really appreciate the apology in written form, and my chance to apologised back. Thank you OP for thinking to do this, if your MiL really is a kind person at heart, she will feel relieved, happy, and very grateful to you for doing that. My DiL that I have had some arguments with is very much loved by me, and I am so happy that I am able to tell her that these days. I miss her, my son and my GC so much during these lockdowns.

If you've caused trouble in the past she will have learnt to watch out, so it would be good to communicate that you've realised you've been 'difficult'. I'd say change your attitude right away (but I guess you already have). The benefit of communicating it explicitly will be that your MIL will be less guarded. It may take time for her to believe you have really changed. Good luck with it all.

Don’t make a big deal...send a bunch of flowers and include a card that says something like
“I may not always say it, but I just want you to know that I appreciate everything you do. lots of love...” It won’t cause any embarrassment or cringiness but will definitely get your message across.

"I have suffered with anxiety and PND over the years and I feel like my in laws have always taken the brunt of this. They mean well, they aren’t the most interested but their hearts are in the right place. Looking back at my behaviour, I know I can be a prickly character and I haven’t been great all the time! Not all bad!! But definitely not perfect- I have had some bad moments ?"

May I ask what your ILs did or didnt do when you were going through a rough patch? Why do you say their hearts were in the right place?

Nobody is perfect and we all have our ups and downs.

Agree with most of the comments already said. If I was your mil it would make me so happy to receive a card with some kind words acknowledging your behaviour least that way your not confronting her, as you said she doesn’t like confrontation so don’t put her on the spot. It’s a lovely gesture by the way.

Well done on being honest, insightful and brave enough to share this. Don't be too hard on yourself though. Mental health challenges, including PND, can be very tough.
I would think flowers and a card might be best. Not too heavy but just apologise in a few words and you could thank her for still being there when you were struggling with PND if you think that's appropriate.
I hope you managed to get professional support when you were struggling with anxiety or PND and would look for it in future if needed- it can make a big difference.
All the best.

I wish my daughter in law would write me a letter or send me a text to explain what it is I've done or said to upset her and why she has turned my son and granddaughters against me.

Write the letter...you have no idea of the positive impact this will have and just maybe she never realised the anguish and challenges you have faced.

Short honest note with bunch of flowers ?

You sound like a lovely and very self aware person, wish you were my DiL !

Best of luck

Omg would I love an apology from my dil. She has ripped our family apart alienating our DS from everyone that loves and cares for him, including his friends. I have given up trying to mend things and stepped back so as not to suffer any more upset and so my son doesn't feel torn. Good luck with whatever you decide to do but for me this would mean so much.

There is still such a lot of stigma attached to mental health issues as a result of which lots of people still don't understand what anxiety is (as a recognised medical condition, that is!! ) or what it really means for the sufferer. The same with PND. So sorry you've had such a difficult time.

In addition to all the other positive things suggested on this thread to mend the relationship, could you perhaps find an opportunity at some point to explain to your MIL the impact of these illnesses on you? NOT to excuse - but to help her understand.

I absolutely agree with everything ElaineRI55 has said re support in future.

Maybe try when restrictions are lifted to have some regular quality time with your MIL doing things you both might enjoy? These don't have to be expensive or massively time consuming, and it would show you are making an effort.

I have 3 DIL's and have varying degrees of a successful relationship with all of them. On occasions, when things have been difficult with circumstances which have made them a little more sensitive and me a little more clumsy, I have always written to them with an apology. It has always been appreciated and we have managed to overcome those awkward moments.
One of my DIL's is ASD (recently diagnosed) and although she didn't apologise, she did explain to me why she sometimes behaved as she did; the refusing to join in, not wanting us to visit, etc. It did make up for a lot of the rejection we had felt hurt by.
I would send a little note with flowers telling her that you understand your anxiety is sometimes hard to deal with but you really appreciate what a lovely MIL you have. Then just try to do better but accept that it might be a long journey to make it completely better between you.
My daughter suffers from anxiety and sometimes it overwhelms her, colouring her behaviour to us. What will happens if that occurs with you again? Realistically you can't promise change forever but it might help to give pointers of how to react in those circumstances. Also, how are you going to ensure that you manage your anxiety in the future? There is help available, you don't have to live with it.

Hi there
What a truly lovely thing u r about to do.I feel face to face would be perfect.You will be able to look your MIL in the eye and show emotion and I'm sure you will make a connection.
Could you please tell us how you get on ?♡

PLEASE either write or phone her and apologize to her. It will mean so much. Just to make you feel better, even though I'm 72 now, I wasn't overly nice to my mother in law, and she only meant the best for us. Silly immature things like she'd say my husband liked his sandwiches cut into triangles, so in front of her I cut them into halves. Think it was a control thing. She will really appreciate an apology, and you really are not the only daughter in law who's not been overly welcoming to her MIL. It's so different with son in laws. xx

Me too!

May I ask what your ILs did or didnt do when you were going through a rough patch? Why do you say their hearts were in the right place?

The ins and outs of who did what, to whom and when are irrelevant imo. OP has, after some reflection, recognised her part in the relationship and if she is able to acknowledge that her in laws were of good intentions, we shouldn't pry for further details unless this is volunteered. Mummymoo, you sound a though you're in a good place right now and you also have the best of intentions for building a better relationship from the future. So many lovely suggestions already so far and I'm sure whichever you choose, it will be much appreciated and welcomed by your in laws.

I had a very difficult dil and she bulled me. She only did it when we were on our own. I told my husband that was the last time l ever wanted to be in her company. But Six months later my Son and Dil parted. After Seven years they got divorced. When they parted my son fly to Ireland every two weeks to see his beloved son. It was heart breaking but has a wonderful close bond with him. Going forward my ex dil died last Year. Heartbreaking in the lockdown . But since then l have heard from her friends saying she treated me very bad. I keep in there for my the sake of my granson and my son.He now has got his son living with and supporting him though this very sad time. I feel so very sad what's happen to her. And after she passed away l had a wonderful present and card from her. My Birthday days after. So all l can say if you have treated someone badly please do it before it's to late.

Send her some flowers with a lovely card and a simple explanation. Don't forget to tell her that things will be much better in the future. Good luck and good on you for recognising what needs to be put right.

You recognise you have faults don't
we all, and your MiL has borne the brunt at times. If you give an apology are you sure you can live up to it, maintain it. You may put yourself under a lot of pressure, questioning everything you do or say in regard to MiL. I'd not make any kind if formal apology, send some flowers to say you and family are looking forward to having normal times with her and FiL soon. Then, progress to a better relationship.

Any apologising however hard has to be done face to face. However if your MIL hasn’t got the emotional language to deal with a sort of confrontation, it’s difficult.
My MIL was brought up in a hall with servants and none was going to be good enough for her son. She didn’t behave well. Telling me that she didn’t want her son to marry me and asked me on our engagement “ couldn’t I find someone else” Pretty stupid stuff really.
However, I do have some slight sympathy, now I am a MIL.myself.
The women who write on our counterpart Mumsnet, describing their MILs as witches...will be sorry. They think they know all about the experience of being a MIL, when they have not been in a MILs shoes.

I wonder if Mummymoo would consider putting something about this on Mumsnet? She is brave and clear sighted and it might help both DILs and MILs - she could relay some of the helpful resposes in this thread. It might lead to other families becoming happier. I do congratulate Mummymoo for her being so open and ready to make amends - what a brilliant example!

Sent her a lovely bouquet at Mother's Day and when we are able to see one another again, book a wee afternoon tea just for you both and have a chat about it all and explain how you are feeling.

I am a MIL with 2 toxic DIL. I would suggest you start by being appreciative of her, call her more often then eventually show here the message you written on here. It is never to late and I am she will really appreciate it.
My relationship with both DIL appeared good until they got pregnant and they then became all powerful and we were not needed and only required when they needed money.
One of them I am getting on better with as her relationship with my son has got much better so she is much happier.
The youngest son's fiancee is now pregnant and she says she can say what she wants to me, so we have fallen out as I will not be spoken to disrespectually.
My middle son I did not see for 10 years due to his toxic wife. She threw him out 6 months ago and he now lives with us. He is battling with her over their 2 children 2 and 5 whom we only met recently. We now see them every Sunday for 5 1/2 hours.
So please anyone reading this, please be kind to each other especially your families as you do not realise how much heat ache you may be inadvertantly causing.
I loved my 3 sons with all my heart but I am so disapointed in them all for the way they have allowed their partners to treat us.

To true. I hope all their sons leave home and marry toxic women!!!!!