I’ve been a toxic daughter in law!

Go forward. If she's not the sort of person who likes that sort of conversation you'd not be showing the respect for her you want to convey by forcing her to hear or read it.

I would send some flowers and a card with a few lines inside, wouldn’t go overboard, I’m sure she would be delighted, nobody’s perfect, great idea mummymoo

Having lost my mother in law 2 weeks ago - not Covid. It would be nice for you to talk freely and May be start afresh with your friendship. Yes, post her a nice card with some nice words written in it. Time is a great healer.

My DIL would never find it within herself to admit she has ever been in the wrong. I have a suspicion she is on the autistic spectrum and she refuses to see what's in front of her face. Shame she is with my narcissist son, he leads her a dogs life but she sadly thinks this is 'normal'.

I dont have enough details to say OP was toxic.
Being toxic and going to a rough patch are two different things.
OP,
How did you reach the conclusion that you were toxic? Has anybody mentioned that word to you?

Hi first time making a post but after spending a lengthy phone call with DIL which left me extremely upset today (unknown to her fortunately ) wish I could have a daughter in law that would reach out to me. But unfortunately she is a very competitive
Person and loves to rattle my cage ie by telling me the children have had a sleepover with her mum recently who lives close by we live 3 hours drive away every other word was my mum my mum even though I had said how at times it was difficult for me. Not the first time this has happened a lot of history a lot of emotion trying to stay strong son is basically bossed around by her (how I see it). I am sure ultimately she wants to push our family out ! COVID not helping because it gives her the excuse of not spending time with us. Although this has never been a problem in the past grandchild 7 years old plus a younger child . Visits
Have been frequent and an effort has been made I dunno so confused life used to be so straightforward !

At first I thought it was MY ex Toxic daughter in law posting ?then I realised NOT as this person SAW her FAULTS

Write her a heart felt note and promise that you will try harder from this day forward. You are so brave to be able to do this. You sound like a good person.

don't go overboard with splurging your own wish for forgiveness.
don't impose on her, in order to make you feel better.
she is an individual, and it sounds as if she would find that kind of baring of souls embarrassing.
you can just start right now, send her a friendly email, perhaps with a jacquie lawson ecard or similar, to shew appreciation.
much of the pain and difficulties among families are due to egotism; so don't fall into the mistake of making this new approach all about you, how you feel, what you did, your feelings etc.
i'm not meaning to imply that you would, but it is a common error.
just begin from now, and continue in the way you wish to go on. good luck.

I suppose it depends on how close a relationship you want with your MIL whether or not you think an apology would be in order?
Like you, I suffered from PND after the births of both my children and have suffered from anxiety and at times, severe depression ever since. My husband and I were only 18 when we met and have been together for nearly 46 years, married for 37! Our children are now grown up! My MIL passed away in 2002, but when she was alive, I kept my distance from her, as I had very little in common with her and didn't much like her - the feeling was mutual! My husband had been close to her before we met, but his relationship with me soon changed that forever! We took the children to visit her, but apart from that, contact with her was minimal. My MIL upset me over the years on several occasions, and I let rip, but I am not in the least sorry - she deserved it! I am an only child and lost both my parents to cancer at an early age. I didn't have a good relationship with my dad, who was a mysoginist and a bully, but I was always close to my mum. However, my mum also suffered from anxiety and depression, so I chose not to discuss my own health issues with her. I always was a very independent person - I had to be!
It's good that you have managed to step back and take a look at yourself and your behaviour. That's something I myself have done in the years since I retired and since my daughter left home! Like you, I haven't always been the nicest of people, but certainly not the worst, although there have been some very bad times! However, unlike you, I don't have either my own parents or my in laws here now - they are all dead and gone!
If you would welcome the chance to improve your relationship with your MIL and you think an apology might help, then I would go ahead with it! A letter would probably be more acceptable to your MIL, and she would have time to read over its contents at her leisure! Apologising face-to-face would probably be embarrassing for her! Before you go ahead, I would discuss your plans with your husband and get his viewpoint. Good luck!

Mummymoo2015, this past year has put things in perspective - and given us plenty of time to reflect on things.

My DIL is a 'prickly character' too - yet I really do love, admire and respect her. She puts up with my awkward son, after all, and she's a wonderful mother to my grandchildren.

I don't suppose she's aware of how much I like her!

Why not let her know Hetty?

Good morning. What a refreshing change it is to read your message. We will never ever hear anything like this from our daughter-in-law. If it were me, an apology and a different approach would make me/my husband forget all the spite and manipulation.

They say a son is a son till he gets him a wife, which I've always taken to be appropriate in our case, but even that has been used against us as proving that we are at fault. Actually, it can be read both ways, sadly. More ammunition.

We know of at least 7 couples in our close circle of friends and family who have similar problems to ours. The spite and malice are so hard to bear, with many sleepless nights. I have lost count of the number of times we've been hauled over the coals about something we seem to have done and yet we wouldn't dare return the challenge because, afterall, we love our son. Don't like him much though now. We don't want to lose our grandchildren.

Do it. You needn't get down on your knees. A simple apology and a new start would, if your mother-in-law feels anything like we do, immediately lift her spirits. I see a whole new relationship ahead of you.

Me too

Mummymoo2015
Personally I wouldn't make it a too bigger issue, it might embarrass her, especially if she's non confrontational. If I wanted to show I was sorry for past mistakes, I would send flowers, to say " I might not have always shown it, but I want to thank you, for always been there for me" or something very similar. That would be my preference. Good luck and we'll done for being big enough to admit some fault. Not many would. It shows you have a heart.

I don’t think I’d make too much of it, either. She may not be as aware of it - or as bothered by it - as you think, and apology will set her thinking...!
Just try to be kinder and nicer to her. She’ll be delighted, I’m sure! Good luck!

I read somewhere that hidden in our subconscioius is this issue: the mother and daughter in law both love the same man. The DIL senses this without quite making it explicit and feels a rivalry and fear of her MIL's relationship with her husband. As soon as she realises she has this fear, she can start the process of remembering that these are very different relatonships and do not have to be in conflict. Of course it is a two way street - the MIL has to see it too, and move on from being the person her son loves and turns to most readily and appropriately. Now, for his happiness he needs to focus on his relationship with his wife - and this is entirely compatible with loving his Mum too!

Support all the above. Card and flowers. Don’t do a long letter. Just something that says thanks. It’ll mean the world. Good luck x

Muumymoo it would be lovely to hear what you decided

Yes definitely do both.If its too hard, why don't you show her her this post you've put on here???

Mummymoo2015 that sounds like my late mother in law:

"My MIL hates confrontation and any awkward conversations"

So keep an apology brief and simple, while washing the dishes together or something like that.

And send the card& flowers for her on mothers day instead, so she knows you do view her as 'mum'??

Hetty58, yes tell her that!?

Mummymoo2015 - please do apologise and do it soon, with a promise to be a great daughter-in-law in the future. As a psychotherapist I know how relationships that seem to chug along for years because one side is treading on eggshells is generally keeping it going, can have devastating effects on the 'victim'. If your apology is warm and heartfelt your mil will sense this and it will be easy for whatever feelings of sadness and hurt she must be hiding to evaporate as she realises she has a genuine dil. So glad that you've reached this level of self-awareness.

Is love it if my DiL apologised for all the heartache she has caused. She won’t because she is oblivious. Many moons ago I had to stand in front of my DHs family and apologise to everyone. I felt terrible but it cleared the air and we went on to have great relationships.