I’ve been a toxic daughter in law!

Maybe send her something special for Mother’s Day and then keep working on yourself to behave better in future. Lockdown has given a lot of us an opportunity to pause and reflect on past behaviour, self included and I’ve been found wanting!

I would do both , I’d write out a heartfelt letter and give it to her along with nice bunch flowers , that way there would be no need to make conversation over it unless MIL feels she would like to , then I’d move forward in a nicer and more loving way to show that you really do care . How nice of you to realise how difficult you’ve been in the past and you now have time to put things right . I wish some people I know would think the same ...would make a better world .

If your mother in law doesn't like confrontation, a quick, ' I really appreciate all the support you've given me in the past even if I haven't said so before', might be enough. Maybe flowers too, but I would let actions speak for you from then on. I hope you enjoy your relationship from now onwards.

it is great that you are realising you have been difficult. the dynamics of families can be difficult add on anxiety and pnd?!
Your awareness is the change for everyone.They will see the change in you, why not say you have been suffering ,and in someway they have know anyway? My DIL was so difficult even nasty ,i suspected there was a mental health condition ,or either she was just a nasty person.After the birth of her last child she had a breakdown and is receiving treatment.She is now lovely and she said to me 'you must think I'm a nutcase' I replied 'not at all, it is so nice to see you well' I always loved her like my daughter,now it's so much easier.

If you opened up to you MIL and explained how you feel it could do wonders for your future relationship. It’s difficult to know what to do for the best if your DIL is difficult as you don’t want to spoil your relationship with her, your son and your grandchildren. I know, I’ve been there so, unfortunately, tend to keep my distance for fear of being tagged as interfering.

Our DiL was extremely unpleasant for about 5 years after she got together with our DS - refused to join family parties, rude to our friends, jealous of the relationship our DS had with his sister - I could go on. And on. It upset us very much.
I think she was very unhappy and insecure, thousands of miles from her own home and family, which she had fled. But gradually, although nothing was said aloud, as she and our DS became established in their lives (careers, house, no children by choice) she has changed and is invariably pleasant and polite, if not very sociable.
Mummymoo2015, if you feel the need to apologise, I think your MiL would accept it gladly. But change your attitude too! As has been said, actions speak louder than words.

If she doesn't like confrontation and awkward conversations begin by respecting that. She would probably appreciate some flowers- it's spring the first daffodils or a bowl of bulbs. She might even recognise it as the start of something new. Then maybe text her sometmes asking how she is and arrange a post lockdown meet up.

Cortinaj
Well done. Better late than never. Life is so short. We could all do with being more understanding. We’re not perfect either.

I was awful and no-one ever pulled me up and told me to behave myself. I’m so sad to have caused grief to my in-laws who were actually not in the least unkind to me.

Mothers’ Day is coming up so all of you who still have Mothers or M-in Laws can at least send a lovely card. Make the most of it.

My situation is slightly different in that I have a step daughter who I found incredibly difficult for years, I wasn’t the other woman and she had a great relationship with her father and her stepdad.
Having always loved children I felt hurt and confused but carried on just treating her fairly and being kind ( I cried on many a friends shoulder)
20 + years later she one day came out with “ I think I owe you an apology, I’ve been vile and I don’t know why”
It really made such a difference and we are so very close now.

Just do it what feels natural to clear the air between you.
I’m one of those MIL that has felt sadness & frustrations with my DIL.
I would love to have better relationship with her. Good luck.

I think a lovely letter saying how grateful you are for their help and support (less emphasis on the negative) then move forward as you plan. Credit where it’s due. Having such an epiphany about yourself is tough. Please be gentle on yourself. If you’ve had mental health problems it will have been a tough time for you. Good luck.

I think lockdown has given us the chance to look at life and ourselves in a more searching way and how brilliant that you have had this realisation. Flowers, cards, apologies, improved behaviour are all appropriate but I might be inclined to let her read your post.
It is so honest and demonstrates how sorry you are and how badly you want to put things right. Let her see your honesty and confusion and ask for a fresh start.

Hi there I think you should do both. Send a letter, and then apologise at a later appropriate moment, and just say something like 'I hope you can forgive my past behaviour'.
I think if you just amended your behaviour, theres a possibility that if your MiL passed you would always regret not saying anything, and be wondering 'did she notice I changed?'
Good luck, and good for you to be willing to think about your past behaviour and being willing to change ❤️

this is the best advice - just be more attentive to your mil in future. no need to put anything in writing. the past is the past its a difficult relationship.

I think she’d be overjoyed to hear from you. And well done you for your reflection and being self critical. We should all do some of that. She’s a lucky MIl. And I’m sure she will be more interested now!

You are obviously a better DIL than you think to have considered that you may not have done enough in the past. How brave and honest . Do both, and I hope that you both will enjoy each other’s company going forward. ?

Owning up to your bad behaviour is an amazing thing to do. I think if I was you I would write a letter too, but to apologise in person as well maybe at the time of your apology hand your in laws the letter.
Sometimes a letter means more but to actually say sorry in person is harder. Well done

I think your epiphany is wonderful, and you should share it with MiL. A formal letter might be too much, but a card on Mothering Sunday saying how much you have appreciated her efforts over the years, and an apology for not being the ideal DiL, perhaps with a large bunch of her favourite flowers would make such a difference to your relationship. She can read the card in her own time, rather than having to share her emotions in front of you, but I bet she will keep and treasure it!

There is also the point that if you do say something, you will have created a starting point from which you can move forward with your behaviour, and if she know your feelings, she will be much more receptive. Good on you!

Both! Only trying to change your behaviour won’t heal the past by itself. It’s really best to come out with that specific apology as well. Written or spoken.
You sound like a very dear, conscientious daughter in law and I bet your inlaws are more fond of you than you realise

What a wonderful post.
I wish you were my DIL.
For 22 yrs mine has swapped back and forth from being all over me and love bombing me to being the most hurtful destructive person I’ve ever know. One minute she wants me to have a relationship with her girls and the next takes them away again. She has quietly destroyed the family. For some time I hoped she might feel like you and apologise, but that will never happen.
Well done to you, and I’m sure your MIL will be so receptive and delighted. I personally wouldn’t want the flowers..lovely though they are, I’d much prefer an apology, it would mean so much more. I’d like to be able to understand what I do so wrong so I can work on it.
Good luck with your ongoing relationship which I’m sure will be so much better.

Cornishpatsy has the best answer.

justwokeup

I'd feel very uncomfortable with a conversation like that but a bunch of flowers with a card saying 'thank you for everything you do', signed just by you, would be lovely and very much appreciated. That's all, make your future actions speak louder than words. I've just done this with a family member, can't remember why we started off badly, but it's never too late to get along better.

I agree totally. Actions are so much better. Good luck going forward.

georgia101

If your mother in law doesn't like confrontation, a quick, ' I really appreciate all the support you've given me in the past even if I haven't said so before', might be enough. Maybe flowers too, but I would let actions speak for you from then on. I hope you enjoy your relationship from now onwards.

I agree with this. You can't help having been unwell either, I'm sure she has understood even if you may have been difficult. My MIL is one for not showing feelings etc and really doesn't cope well with talking about emotions but I know she has never blamed my brother in law for being mentally unwell, even if he was difficult, infact to me she has been quite sympathetic about him (though puts on a tought front with my sister in law - her daughter) aren't families complicated?

How about a Mother's day card just from you. Maybe a little apology inside explaining things a little

I think it would be better just to seek a private face to face moment with MIL (maybe take flowers round) and just say something simple along the lines of you know you haven't been the easiest person in the past and you're sorry for that but you're trying to change for the better.