You every wonder what did you do wrong?

7of3, it's always better to talk, face to face, rather than text. It easily reads as harsh criticism.

Maybe your grandson is better behaved when you're not there? My eldest was a little horror when he had to compete for my attention. I did discipline him, though. With no guidance, I don't see how they grow out of it.

As an adult, criticism from your own mother really hurts. You'd be more likely to see her if you offer help and hold your tongue. Everyone has their own style of parenting. (Mind you, I'd stop a child from hitting, kicking or spitting, I'd just have to.)

Is she struggling with finances or relationships, do you think? We might distance ourselves to avoid parents noticing.

Finally, is there another way to meet with her, maybe half way, or by train instead of car? Do whatever makes it easier. Don't forget to tell her that you love her!

That the OP even thought of sending this text suggests that there are far more and much wider problems in her relationship with her daughter, than she is prepared to see.

I do not see that any parent who had an open and harmonious relationship with their daughter would even begin to think of sending a text like this. I had a wonderfully happy relationship with both my DM and DMiL, but if they had said or written what was in this text, they would have found we had upped sticks and moved a long way away. But of course they didn't, because it would not have occurred to either of them to do something so crass, no matter how worried they were about our child rearing methods.

Anyway, what on earth are you doing, doing your DD's cleaning, except in a dire emergency. She is a grown woman she can sort it out for herself.

I think you really far too over involved in your daughter's life. She is a married woman with a husband and child and should be independent of you, psychologically as well as physically. You keep your children by letting them go.

Wow I would keep my distance from you too. All you need to know about why they may be distant is in your posts here. Re-read them .

Summerlove

That comment reminds me of my mother telling me - "I have no idea why your sister had yet another child, she cannot manage the ones she already has! She is making a huge mistake!"

I told her my sister's and bil's reproductive decisions are none of her business and my sister is 10 times the mother my mother ever was.

I have to say, I’m really taken aback by the phrasing They need another child because the whole world revolves around the first. what an odd thought, to wish your toddler aged grandson to be taken down a peg or two.

Good luck OP. If your daughter responds, please actually listen to her. I’d be incredibly hurt by your texts and general attitude about me, if I were her

Mum

Oh my word you wonder why your daughter is not as close?? You sound ever so overbearing and demanding Why are you push push push to know the sex of the baby You’ll know when it arrives What on earth has aunt Ellen and uncle gurdy got to do with all this, what a muddle You sound as if every time you try something you make matters worse, why not chill out a bit let them get on with their lives, offer your help and leave it to be accepted or rejected as they see fit
Her parenting doesn’t fit with yours but that’s for her to sort out if the little chap is around 2 or 3 he s probably going through some normal behaviour patterns of course he should not be allowed to draw on your handbag but craving attention and misbehaviour when another adult is around to get attention sounds fairly normal
Tell her if she needs any help you ll be glad to give it and then back off a bit and stop demanding, she’s a busy young mum she doesn’t need a demanding child AND a demanding

BTW, when J's bad behavior directly affects you, I think you have a right to speak up if the parents don't. For example, when he drew on your purse, IMO, it would have been ok for you to express dismay. You can't discipline him, but you can let him know when you don't like the way he treats you or your things.

Phew! Well, at least, you know why DD has "become distant" and won't answer calls, etc. She's busy w/ little J.

IDK how old he is, but, no doubt, some of his behavior is very common in little children. Granted, I think it needs to be managed. And it doesn't sound to me as if DD and SIL are doing that very well.

Also, I agree that they shouldn't let a child dictate the conversation. It's kind of cute that he wanted to be the one to tell you the new baby's sex, but they should have prompted him to do so, IMO, not just wait for him to say something. Or they could have told you privately, and then let him "tell" you when he is ready. IMO, gender isn't that big a deal, but if it's not, J shouldn't be allowed to control when it's revealed.

Then again, maybe it's all part of making him feel as if he's part of this, etc. Regardless, their parenting choices are just that - their parenting choices. I know you know this and just sent that text out of frustration. I hope the 2nd text will help, but I'm afraid it might take DD some time to get past the criticism. Patience...

Agnurse,
I agree with you.

When I read the second message, I facepalmed.

My mother worried about everything and gave me to understand she disapproved of a lot I did. She said I'd know she was right one day. I did come to learn she was right but I was a slow learner as I was independent. I had to do it my way before I recognised she was right about important matters.

My children never misbehaved as you describe your grandson does. He needs not discipline but a good nursery school, company of other children and an outlet for his need to explore and play and enjoy his life. My guess is this little boy is a bored and frustrated little boy. The sex of his new sibling is none of his business, or your business, or even the young parents' business.
If the little boy's parents will not send him to a play group or nursery school or play with him themselves, could you possibly do so?

Oh dear, 7of3, you should always follow the '3-day advice', for texts, letters, etc. If upset or angry by something, write your reply - and then put it aside for three days, then come back to it. Virtually, always, will then either delete or completely re-write.
Send a lovely 'Sorry' card, and maybe some flowers or something. Let your daughter know that you wrote that text when you were tired, run-down and stressed, and did not mean it. Ask her forgiveness - tell her how much you love her and her family and so much hope that she will let you be a good part of it. Ask her to forgive a silly, old woman.
Nothing, nothing at all is worth risking breaking down the relationship between yourself and your child(ren), and do remember that how you feel about her, is how she probably feels about her little son. For most of us the love of our children is foremost, before the love for our parents.
You need to start mending lots of fences. Good Luck

And then you sent a second text asking to sweep it under the rug.

I didnt read the OPs second text like that! Hopefully OP and her daughter can discuss honestly and sort things out

So you basically criticized her parenting AND her housekeeping and told her that she didn't measure up to YOUR expectations of family. And then you sent a second text asking to sweep it under the rug.

I wouldn't be surprised if you don't hear from her for quite some time.

Face to face is always best, but even then a mess can be made of it! Most of us as GP’s , just care so much about our children and their families, we end up getting it wrong. I heard two years ago, that one of my DIL’s was upset because we’d been saying things out of turn. I think it had been a drip drip situation for what turned out to be about 4 years. Nothing was ever said to us, me and my husband. We said nothing, but just backed right off, and if she talked about a problem, instead of assuming she wanted advice, which is what I’d been doing, I’d just say something like, “ oh yes, that’s difficult, but I’m sure it’ll work itself out”, and left it like that. We love our DIL very much, she was pregnant at the time we heard there had been sensitivities, so we left it. Everything is fine now. We did think our son might notice we were behaving differently, but if he did, he said nothing. We were upset at the time, but it was more important for them to be relaxed and in control of their family. Their children haven’t always been the best behaved, but mum and dad are in charge. We go home afterwards, it’s only they who have to reap what they sew. We assumed if things were really bad, they would be glad of our advice, but so far they’re doing well, and the children are settling. It’s hard, but we are just spectators when it comes to our grandchildren.

I have learnt that it's best to save e-mails or texts and then read them again tomorrow. With a clear head you sometimes see that you used the wrong words. You may even decide not to send at all! I agree that face to face is always best as the written word can read wrongly unless you are an excellent and expressive writer.

I agree you have put too much identification in your post, and may wish to remove it. You shouldn't use real names or give too much personal information.

I apologize if it all came out wrong.

I understand that point. However …. I suppose she could have said "I apologise that I expressed it so wrong" Hithere ...but that is hardly grounds for further problems, and I hope that 7of3 and her daughter can successfully sit down , have a chat and move on! 7of3 is so obviously a Mum who wants to get it right, is maybe getting it wrong, is worried and upset, whose daughter hopefully will feel able to be honest with her about why she is being distant (or why it seems that way at the moment). Mum's and daughters are not perfect are they, just as relationships aren't and hopefully don't rest on one word like "if"

"I apologize if" is not a true apology.

And thank you all for responding ding. I’m just getting back reading. I think I found a friend in Gonegirl ?

I find it really interesting how different people read it in different ways ...just shows how easy it is for things to go the wrong way really. Anyway hope things work out for you

“ I hope I didn’t offend you in anyway. I thought about this . I pray before I push send then go with my gut feeling. I apologize if it all came out wrong. Jax is a sweet boy and means well plus full of love, just like many can get out of hand. Love you all and excited about the family addition.

Perfect

Enjoy your family 7of3.

This is all very 'identifying' with use of names - perhaps not the best of ideas on an open forum?

And thank you all for responding ding. I’m just getting back reading. I think I found a friend in Gonegirl ?

That's a very good text 7of3 - hopefully she'll take that in the spirit in which it's meant . Take care with those texts in future

Gonegirl
Thank you. Like I mention, she will not take a phone call.
I thought about this and putting it more in her court so I can move on. Texted:
“ I hope I didn’t offend you in anyway. I thought about this . I pray before I push send then go with my gut feeling. I apologize if it all came out wrong. Jax is a sweet boy and means well plus full of love, just like many can get out of hand. Love you all and excited about the family addition. ???”