Loving relationship with married adult DS?

I’ve 2 sons and I must admit 2 wonderful DIL’s too. I am aware that many people struggle with theirs but I haven’t lost my sons, I’ve gained 2 more daughters and am very close to both. I am so lucky and truly feel that I am blessed and my SIL is lovely too.

Coconut just like me! Perhaps we can tell ourselves we did such a brilliant job of bringing them up that they have good taste!!

I have noted how many mothers have loving relationships with their sons. My grandfather always said that a girl should watch how the future husband treats his mother because that is how he will treat his future wife 10years down the line once the initial romance has changed.
Unfortunately I did not heed his advise and 10 years down the line he treated me like he had his mother (lack of respect) and subsequently ran off with another woman

Been exchanging emails with DDil all afternoon. The new kitchen looks lovely.I cannot wait to visit. She in her turn, offered love and support as I come to the end of a stressful summer.

MOnica I’m so jealous

I've always got on well with my mother in law. We are both laid back and don't live close to one another. As long as her son rings her on a Sunday and sees her 4 times a year, everything seems to go ok.

I wonder if it is about personality tbh

She fell out with me once, quite dramatically but it was forgotten about. Again, I think that's personality.

Mind you, we will probably be dependent on Facebook for news for the next week or two. DS is on site and a long way from home for the next 2 weeks and once the kitchen is done and with school back DDiL will be back to work and her studies, catching up with the summer backlog.

Monica we are going to see DS & Dil's new kitchen soon too! Not sure which one uses it most. Apparently the best thing is that the dishwasher opens the door when its finished! I see a lot of unwanted help from the 2 year old!

Our DS (only child) lives 5000 miles away, with his family. We know we are welcome visitors whenever we see them - usually annually, when this can be managed. In the meantime, we have regular Skypes and emails; sometimes this is just me and DS, depending on who is around. As a mum I was determined that DS would be someone who could do all the jobs needed around the house, thus he can cook, clean, do the washing, make the beds, etc. (And he actually does these things - doesn't simply say that he will!) As a parent he has always been able to take good care of DGC, on a daily basis. DH & I get on well with DiL - it's all about give and take. (And I know that DiL appreciates that DS was brought up to do stuff in the house.)

My DH calls his mum at work. Or she calls him. Almost twice a week. Sometimes more if something’s up. Sometimes less.

We visit them abroad once a year unless somethings up. And they visit twice a year. Length of visits are usually 1 month long. Where we are either staying with them the whole period if we are abroad, or they’re staying in their apartment in the country where we live and we visit them once a week and invite them over once a week. DH also goes to visit alone when possible probably once a week). (That’s after I went LC before that we would be staying in their apartment too).

I speak to MIL around once every two weeks in the presence of DH. I used to call her alone twice a week but I stopped because when I’m on my own she says things are are very hurtful. She asks me personal questions and ends up using that to try turn DH and her daughter (SIL) against me. I used to visit siblings in law who are much younger than us 3 times a week and have a very intimate relationship with them “looking after them” and report about their wellbeing to MIL to make her happy. Send them food. But I stopped alll that when things turned nasty and now I just let them know they’re welcome to visit me whenever they want, with notice, but I leave it up to DH to invite them over. I’m hardly ever invited to go over to their apartment and they make no effort. So I just tell DH he is welcome to invite his siblings when he feels like it but I need prior notice. Sometimes this is twice a month but most times it’s less because SIL is busy and also because there is tension and sometimes things get out of control.

I encourage DH to go visit them on his own because that’s what his mother likes. But I don’t like him taking my toddler there without me because SIL undermines my parenting and marriage in every way, but I told them they’re welcome whenever they want to see my child in my house.

We make several attempts to invite them.

My DH always lends his siblings money when they ask, despite the fact they don’t need it. I always end up going through my savings to supplement us for the month when they take long to pay us back. My DH feels he just needs to be the better person so his mum doesn’t worry about her kids and so the misunderstandings don’t exaggerate.

SIL and MIL made it clear that they don’t respect me, or our marriage before I went LC. Before that I was more than a daughter to MIL. Treated her like my own mother and even more because she was abroad and I knew she was feeling lonely.. I shared personal details with her when she called about my medical records and my DH and I, as well as my family.

She doesn’t like at all the I stopped doing that. I stopped cold turkey and confronted SIL but not mother in law about why that is. Because I found out from DH that she was using what I tell her to say vile stuff about me and my family to DH and wasn’t overly obsessed with finding things to put us down behind our backs to make herself feel better. She was making demands from nun DH which seriously compromise my marriage.. anyway long story. I caught evidence of her speaking very ill of me and stalking me while pretending to be friendly. I made it clear I know of everything and so I’m a changed person. Never got an apology, instead I was blackmailed that if I don’t move past things then I would lose my marriage. That didn’t happen because thankfully my DH managed to figure out a way to take my side but was bullied greatly for it. She refused to acknowledge his son.

But In short she thinks I should forgive her and be the lovely dil I was. Not being smug but I really was lovely. I told SIL and DH that I want a formal relationship from now on because I don’t trust anyone in my personal space who has backstabbed me, no matter how insecure they felt.

Sorry I’m derailing.

Point is, I’ve typed the kind of things that DH does for his mum, and because I have kids and I somehow don’t want them alone with the grandparents (I will be manipulated through them for sure) I feel bad and have to do my bit too, but limited.

I wonder whether I’m doing enough.

I’m due to give birth next month. I don’t want her around me the first 2 months after birth. I feel so traumatized by her. I know its not acknowledging her right as a grandmother. But she has been extremely vindictive during my first child’s birth, she refused to answer any calls and refused to see my son and forced my DH to choose while I was in Labour. Me and my DH were in tears because she boycotted my baby for 11 months just because my DH wouldn’t give me ultimatum about going back to calling his mum twice a week and letting her have her way.

I feel so traumatized by it all because it sent June DH to depression and I had to deal with that as well as recovering from birth and despite my efforts to create peace i was treated very rudely. My baby son was hugely compromised and used against his father to blackmail him. She made a clear request that she wants her son to give me an ultimatum else he loses her and his inheritance and despite my DH not accepting but he made compromises and it was depressing.

I’m very traumatized by all this and don’t want her near me when I give birth.. she has been acting like everything is fine now. She is still interrogating DH about why I don’t wanna go out with his sister alone and all that. But since pregnancy the rudeness has reduced. But I am traumatized by what happened and it lasted very very long and was very uncalled for.

So I feel I’m having to be unfair on her and not provide free access to my kids. She wants to babysit and look after my kids and her daughter too. But I genuinely have that as my nightmare.

I feel I don’t have the right to interfere between her and her son.. but she has interfered in my marriage and she WILL if given the chance interfere between me and my kids and manipulate them.

So I feel my DH doesn’t understand that while he is free to be as doting as he wishes... but I feel horrible to say that my kids will never be with her without me.. ever... and it’s hard to explain that.

I am a bit radical in the way I’m protective of my kids. I never thought I’d do that.. everything sends me with alarm bells.. I feel as a grandma she should feel part of their lives and not have me as a gateway. But it took her a whole year saying how she doesn’t feel any love for my son just to annoy DH... and now all he wants is to get her to love his kids and doesn’t dare question her when she undermines our parenting.

Anyway I wonder if any of you ladies could help me figure out if:

1- I’m being fair
2- what would be the best arrangement so I don’t have this intense worry about my kids being around her unsupervised
3- how do I sensible communicate to my DH that I don’t trust his mum with my kids.

Sorry that meant to say :

* I don’t want her around me the first 2 weeks after birth

If she's trying to destroy your marriage I wouldn't let her see your children. TBH, I think you and DH would benefit from marriage counseling with a therapist who believes in "leave and cleave".

You should not have to be going through your savings because DH wants to play Uncle Pennybags with his siblings. That's ridiculous. He needs to learn to put his family first - and that means you and your children, not his extended family.

yummysushi

You’re more than fair

Your children shouldnt be unsupervised

You tell him that his mother has not shown herself to be trustworthy towards you. Once she does start to prove herself, then you can move forward with her to a new relationship

I was very fortunate to have had two lovely, kind and generous MiLs, both now dead, sadly.

I have now been blessed with a beautiful, funny, clever, kind, caring and down to earth DiL. She keeps my DS so very happy and they have given us three beautiful GC.

I also have a beautiful, funny, clever, kind, caring DD, who found herself an equally funny, clever, kind and caring DH, so I have been blessed with him as a SiL too. They have also presented us with three beautiful GC.

We could not ask for more.

What does she have to do for me to be able to trust her again ? My DH seems to think that by her expressing her eagerness for meeting the newborn that she is making up for what happened in the past and trying to show a new side.

narrow you sound very lucky indeed

I have just the one DS and now a DDIL. We get on very well indeed, so much so, that her mother and I have become firm friends who go out together frequently and even holiday together. Makes for a less stressful life if you can get on with your in laws.

yummysushi only you know what it would take to feel comfortable with her.
For me, it would start with time, and continued respect of my wishes

I would invite her to meet your child, but only once you are settled. That might me the same day, a few days later or a few weeks.

If she’s sincere about her change, she’ll respect your timeline

What does she have to do for me to be able to trust her again ? My DH seems to think that by her expressing her eagerness for meeting the newborn that she is making up for what happened in the past and trying to show a new side.

You have a dh problem.
If she wants to turn a new side, she apologizes to you first.

I don’t think it’s ever at all in her nature to apologize or respect my timeline or boundaries. To her that’s very demeaning .

100 percent won’t ever happen. I so wish so at least I can be sure this won’t happen again.

I’m sorry.
I agree , it sounds like a husband problem.

I didn't have a very good relationship with my mil - she was the mother of 6 sons (I got the youngest) and I got the feeling that she undervalued 'daughters' from lots of snidey comments that she made whenever somebody had a baby girl (perhaps jealousy).

I have 2 dils - one is a really lovely girl who is in regular contact with me and is definitely responsible for turning my younger son from a teenage idiot into a wonderful family man!

The other dil announced - on our first meeting - that her family couldn't stand people from the city that we lived in. When he first met this girl, my eldest son owned his own house and had a good job but she didn't work. The house got sold and they've lived in rented accommodation ever since. She has never kept a job for more than a year - and I can't believe how easily she manages to find jobs when leaves one so easily - with a pattern of being 'off-sick' for around 6wks before leaving. She also goes to hospital A&E frequently, gets kept in 'for observations' and then sent back home after a couple of days, after posting all over Facebook about what she's had done, including photos of drips etc. I don't hear very often from my son - but when he does come around, she's always with him and I never get to see him on his own any more. He's stopped telling me whenever she visits hospitals - I'm sure he's rather embarrassed by this behaviour.

Lots of other things about her behaviour, but if I listed them all, it would look like I'm being vindictive - ouch .

To those saying I have a DH problem I agree.

But do u think that if my DH knew how to handle the situation better then me and his mother would get on ?

I don’t think he is the only problem. His problem is because it is indeed very difficult for him to face the conflict with her when he will lose his entire family, assets, siblings, love... we never had those issues because he started being emotionally abused which is why I’m being patient. He is in denial but not letting these things happen just because he wants to. He is suffering very much. Perhaps more than me. Because he wishes he wasn’t so torn.

I agree with you that if he managed the situation better by standing up for you, your MIL and you would have a chance to have a relationship and maybe you could be able to trust her

Your dh is being selfish by choosing what is easier for him, no matter where it leaves everybody else.

If he is so torn, he should get into therapy and learn that when he married you, he promised to put you first. He is suffering because he chooses to.

He is not a victim, do not give him sympathy for the difficult situation he created himself.