Bad mother ?

I feel for you, it seems all we mother's suffer the wrath of our adult children & their quibbles with each other - it's the new generation in not bothering with even a nice birthday card, the art of communication verbally has been lost & its sad - my husband has 3 adult children fm 1st marriage, not 1 card on our doorstep, he has been an amazing father - I always buy him card & pressie to compensate for his selfish, thoughtless children - best way forward is to make yourself happy & let them crack on - too many times we suffer heartbreak, we have to look after our own wellbeing - you are important

This is very resonant with me! I too have 3 adult DD (do boys do this?) and they always try to drag me into their stupid spats! I now refuse openly with any involvement in any rows and have received criticism from 2 of them for this! None the less I stand my ground I DO NOT want to get involved in any squabbles they are all adults with children of their own I got upset recently about this but am now not getting involved which has given me more peace of mind to be honest than the nebulous criticism upsetting me!
I was an only child of only children so the silly sibling rivalries which have to a degree persisted into adulthood has been a shock to me! Mine aren’t too bad to be fair but it was a real surprise how me how they even expected me to get involved once they were grown up!!
My sympathies ?

kittylester

Could you swap them for a puppy? Just saying...

Giving a deep sigh reading this, as middle daughter of 3 our Mum hated us communicating with each other and would thrive on passing on tittle tattle to each sister. Positively thrive.

I'm so glad I've only got DD, she has half- & step- siblings but I was never put in this position. Take a step back, refuse to be "piggy in the middle". Hope you did get more than text messages on your Birthday, I'd be most put out.

Just take a big step back... difficult to do but do something entirely for you that you enjoy. Let them come to you... our biggest fear is losing the love of our nearest and dearest. My Mum did this many years ago ... I had that kind of behaviour with my Sister and I’m ashamed to say my Mum we just took her for granted. We have moved on and get on really well now ... it will get better but you need to let it go a bit first...xx

I feel a bit like you Babs54. For some reason my son does not get along with my daughter any more, even though before they both married they were the best of friends. Yet when their dad died the only person my son wanted to be with was my daughter. I also don't see my sons children anymore as they are now at the age that they don't need me for school pick-ups etc. I now only hear something when they need a favour, It feels very lonely at times because I used to spend such a lot of time with them. I live alone and don't have any friends, my sister was my best friend, we did everything together, but she sadly died 2 years ago. Like you I try and avoid being 'piggy in the middle'.

Sadly, I fear we may have spoiled them. I am so sorry Babs54. Try and ride the storm, and have friends of your generation if you can. It may seem a cold sort of comfort to hear how many of us have had similar experiences.
I like the idea of inviting friends to tea for a belated birthday party for yourself. ?

I agree Houseseller if you totalled it up would be quite a sum. My daughter once told ne you can't buy people with money. Which is true but still.... I think we need to concentrate on ourselves more.

You can outgrow wanting to settle squabbles. Get busy - anything at all but you need to have no time for this. How will they manage when you are 'out of the picture'?

Grown up children can be so ungrateful
They are very different these days & hurtful too
One needs a thick skin to be a Mother !!!

I'm happy to say mine never have spats. Touch wood!!

As for the birthday, a card at least would have been nice. Maybe, this is the way of the younger generation, try not to be too hurt. ?

This week DH and I celebrated our Diamond Wedding Anniversary. As he has been so very up and down since his stroke last year, leading to many last minute cancellations of social outings, I arranged an afternoon tea with old friends at an hotel 5 minutes away.
I posted a photo on face book and the result was some lovely comments from friends and lukewarm ones/or non at all from family. So there you have it. Not really interested in 60 years hard work.
I am trying to be pragmatic as they were not there on the original day. Also if I had organised and paid for a big "do" I am sure they would have all turned up.

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I definitely think that it's best for our age group to mix with our contemporaries, rather than relying on the grown-up kids. I am trying very hard to establish my own life and not helicopter over theirs, nor expect much of them in the way of ... well anything really! That way I'm not disappointed!

Step back. Do not get involved. A core feature of so many threads is grandparents getting far too involved in their AC's lives, especially relationships between siblings.

Do not have expectations about how you will be treated. Just accept life as it comes. It is amazing how kind and caring children are when they are not labouring under the burden of parental expectations.

As for the 'bad mother' bit, of course AC say that when they are angry, they know it is the one thing that gets under our skins. DD, who has never knowingly under reacted to any situation, lost her cool with me last weekend. Entirely my fault I had forgotten to do something that was important to her. She rang me up and was very angry and called me all kinds of things, including being a bad mother.

As I was in the wrong I sent her flowers and an apology and within two days it was as if it had never happened.

Step back and appreciate what attention you do get.

Being honest, i remember being annoyed at my sister many years ago when our families were younger. And I remember moaning to my mum about it quite a lot as I didn't see a lot of my sister at that time. Many years later and I'm the go between I really regret this, and wish I could take it back as I knew there was nothing my mum could do about it, hopefully it will all work out with your family.

I’m glad your situation with your daughter has been ironed out Monica!
It takes give and take on both sides to work doesn’t it?

Kittylester...?

Doings....I too have one of those!!

Namsnanny, we are all well used to our family volcano. Eruptions are fierce, but do not last long. And as I was the cause of all the problems, I grovelled, apologised and tried to sort the problem out and flowers are always difficult to resist when they arrive out of the blue.

Fortunately, I tend to stand back and let situations roll. They usually sort themselves out and things get back to normal

Next time you see them say 'I don’t want to spoil the surprise of whatever you are planning to celebrate my big birthday, but could you just let me know when it is so I can make sure I am free'...or 'I was wondering when you are planning to give my my xth birthday gift? Should we book A date?' If nothing is forthcoming, you know what to do on their birthdays.

Nanaval you sound very sad and lonely. Is there anywhere you can go to make friends.?

We go along nicely for months, and then something crops up, and we’re off again!

We have two daughters in very different circumstances, we tend to help out a bit more with the grandchildren who don’t have as much, I suppose we know in our hearts that we’re not always scrupulously fair, but we don’t like seeing them going without. I think we’re very generous with all of them, but if daughter no1 gets a sniff of unfairness, it all kicks off.

I think we’re about to enter one of those phases now, but I intend to keep out of it as far as possible