Dreading the future

Hi Susie,I could have written your post.My husband had an accident six weeks ago,needs surgery but not urgent so is at home.We too are booked to go on holiday at the end of June,I ask him every day are you sure you will be up to it.I too have a full life with family but like you,I feel we are two halves of a whole and I think at times my thoughts have gone along the same lines as yours.I don’t know how long ago your husbands accident was,we are six weeks in and we are both definitely starting to feel more positive.Thinking of you both.xx

You have had an awful shock, and it has left you reeling. You are dreading the worst, but the worst may not happen. Concentrate on supporting your husband, try to be cheerful when you visit him, accept all the support and help you are offered, and try not to look on the dark side. Make sure you look after yourself too: eat even if you don’t feel up to it, just have small nourishing meals, try to get some sleep, have a walk every day, get your hair done, buy something nice to wear even if it is only a bright cotton scarf.

Thanks for the kind words we are 7 weeks in he had another operation yesterday on his arm it went well . I am going to stock the fridge have my hair done and visit him with Greek guidebooks onwards and upwards no more moping and eating rubbish thanks so much for listening xx

Susie and Susan...thinking of you and hoping that you will be able to go on your planned holidays.
I'm in a bit of a shock as well......something's not quite right with our new neighbours. The husband and children haven't been seen for a couple of weeks. The young mum is there on her own. And people are taking flowers in to her. But none of us know what's happening and we don't like to ask because they haven't integrated well .
I only hope it's nothing too serious.

[Susiewakie] you sound so much more positive! Go easy on the holiday though, take one day at a time. I hope he feels better when you see him today.

A bit different but may be reassuring.
Last year I broke my hip and had to have it pinned and plated. I had booked a week in Disneyland Paris for myself and DGC (18, 9 and 8) in mid July.
With enthusiastic support from physiotherapists I decided not to cancel.
We made it just 6 weeks later! I used a walking stick and it was tiring but we had a terrific time !

Thanks mcem he seemed quite positive tonight when I visited in a lot of pain post op but ok fingers crossed re holiday xx

I wondered if the writings of others struggling with life events may help. For instance Jarem Sawatsky in his book ^Dancing with Elephants^ He talks about mindfulness and living in the moment. In other words not worrying about things that may never happen. His book is worth reading and it has helped me personally to get to grips with dealing with my unwelcome diagnosis of early Alzheimers

Don’t forget about informing your insurance company <ever practical> and ask medical advice re flying after surgery. Hope it works out.

Also airlines have their own rules about flying after surgery which vary of course according to what type of surgery

Susie and Susan: I do hope your worst fears are unfounded and that you get to go on your planned holidays. However, I think an incident like this can wake you up to the fact that one day your marriage will end in the death of one spouse, and that is most often the wife.

My husband and I were married for 46 years before he died of prostate cancer. We were close and loving, and particularly enjoyed travel and holidays together, but we had always pursued separate, as well as joint, leisure interests and had some separate friends - we didn't always socialise as a couple or rely entirely on each other. We felt that this helped to keep our relationship healthy, and hadn't really thought of it as "future-proofing" against bereavement, but during my husband's terminal illness, he kept encouraging me to maintain and develop my interests and my independent social life.

After he died, I came to realise how wise this approach had been. I still had my friends and my interests, and more importantly, the confidence and resilience needed to go out there and get on with my life. It isn't easy learning to be a widow and do everything on your own, but I think it would have been much harder for me if we had always lived in each other's pockets and done nothing independently.

You can't spend every day anticipating widowhood, but you can perhaps develop some independent interests and activities that don't rely on your husband. This can be fulfilling and rewarding, and may help make you less afraid of facing a lonely old age.

Thank you for the encouraging words and good advice.xx

Just re-read what I wrote above, and of course the last word in the first para should be "husband".

Susie.... don't fear the worst, enjoy every moment of your day and holidays. I lost my husband when he was only 43, kissed goodbye one morning and that was the last time my 3 children and I saw him, he collapsed and died of a heart attack that afternoon. Never in a million years did we expect that. This was 21 years ago, it was hard and I too thought about family times and holidays gone forever, but not so. Friends have been amazing and life does pick up again, no matter what..... absorb every minute!! I'm now a grandma to 3 gorgeous children.

My husband developed lung cancer and was told that he had about 5 years to live. He managed 4 as he declined all treatment. We packed a lot into that 4 years, trips abroad etc. But at the same time I prepared for a life without him, developing friendships, joined a choir, an art class, took up swimming and Pilates. He died nearly five years ago and although I miss him after 50 years of marriage I have a full and busy life. My advice to anyone at this stage in life is develop an independent life that might see you into widowhood. I have children and grandchildren but wouldnt want to burden them though I love seeing them. There is life after marriage, honestly!

Good for you! You are doing all the right things.
You are probably still in shock. We all tend to live as though we are immortal and something like this shakes us back into reality.
When DH was first diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago, it seemed the end of my world too.
I wanted us to do all the things we'd put off doing though many had lost their meaning. I told him I'd stop doing all "my things" to be always there for him.
He said "why? I'm not going to give up anything so why should you".
Of course he was right.

oh ,, thank you for posting this Susie,, so like me, worrying about death and dying and possibility of being alone..

and all the encouraging comments... so love coming here, I find it very hard to share, I have had a good life, a good marriage, by many standards,, 50 years this coming January, perhaps as we get older most of us worry about these things, but don`t like to say, as there is so much unhappiness in the world.. perhaps this Western Society should acknowledge death and dying at an early age?
loving thoughts sent

CrazyH - I'd go round with a cake and apologise for not welcoming them sooner. Then you can ask her if she's settling in OK. I hope all is well for her but if not, she'll probably be thankful for a kind neighbour.

I think Susie's words resonate with all of us, being lonely/alone in our later years, regardless of marital situation.
Like retirement, we all have to plan in advance for major changes in our lives. I know of several couples who were convinced the husband would die first due to long-term health issues, when wife just dropped dead. My point is all of us have to prepare.
Three questions I would ask are
does one partner do all the cooking or household bills or driving?
do we have a life beyond the front door?
how will we cope when we can't drive?

Your husband is still alive. I found mine dead in bed after a massive heart attack, he was 58, I was 54. Your husband may have had what a consultant referred to as a "life changing moment", this will be the beginning of an entirely new chapter in your life. Count your blessings, and for the moment, don't look too far ahead. You may have to change a few things around, temporarily at least, especially what you do for MIL. Contact your holiday insurer asap, hopefully you have insurance? Quite honestly, that's the least of your worries at the moment.
What is the nature of your husband's injuries? Has he had surgery?

Give yourself time to adjust.

Susiewakie you are clearly in great shock at the moment. Of course, you are worried, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. I think, like me, you have take each day as it comes. Nothing can stop you worrying about the future, but your husband is alive so you can be grateful for that. What I would say is that you should accept all the help offered to you, both practical and emotional, and share your feelings with people who are willing to listen. You WILL get through this. We women are strong and resilient.

Same story line My husband was 59 & we had 6 children
4 teenagers & 2 littlies
It was soooo hard
Now I have 7 adored Grandkids

grannyticktock. How I agree with your wise words to Susiewakie. My DH died very suddenly from a ruptured aorta ,10 and and a half years ago now. Those ten years have been difficult,especially as I also lost my younger daughter,aged 33.
We had no retirement at all together. I had to make my own life and was glad that we did have some different interests ,so I could build on those and make new friends .I never expected to be left alone so suddenly .We had been married for 37 years and my DH was only 66. Susiewakie, hopefully your DH will make a good recovery so that you can have your holiday. Holidays are one of the most difficult areas when left alone. I have been on a few with female friends and a couple on my own, but they just aren’t the same . Make the most of time together, but try and stop worrying. ,if you can.