Friends with adult children

My mother always adds my name. It is so annoying and all about control. I think it is very rude. I am not her possession

DH brother and SIL write the long list of all their ACs plus spouses, some of whom we have never met!
Why?
We always just write our names ( they haven’t taken the hint yet!)
. Our ACs write their own cards from their own families.

I have not included my children's names on cards since they all left home, many years ago. At Christmas time though we often get scribbled updates included of how the others children are are now doing which we enjoy, but not so much the round-robin letters which one or two families keep on sending!

Only added my kids names in cards when they were young. Soon as they left home which was about 19 in my daughters case , and 21 in my sons . I then considered them adults are fit to run their own lives .... if they wanted to send cards they would. The only concession I made was to remind them of their grandmothers upcoming birthdays..., so she could have a card from them.

Am I the only one who has rebelled. I hated writing Xmas cards. My son had a fatal cardiac arrest in November 2016. I just wasn’t up to writing cards that year. In 2017 I suddenly thought if I can’t choose what I want to do at my age when can I? So, no Christmas cards from us.

I do sadly include my pets on cards but only to close friends and family who I know are animal lovers,

Don't blame you Coast

They probably write a job-lot and put everyone on every card so you get exactly the same in your card as their actual relatives get. They probably don't know who's getting what card till they come to write the envelope

I have a wonderful friend who never misses sending birthday cards, Christmas cards etc and never forgets dates of birthdays, However she always includes the names of her adult children and their partners, and grandchildren. I never include my children, grandchildren, cats or dog when I send a card to her. I feel the sentiments expressed are from me and not the rest of the family.

yggdrassil that took me back!Mam sent a Mass card to my bf when her dad died - from me! I sent one too, from myself!! I was a bit cheesed when I heard

I think it's odd but I still do it myself.

Grannygranby. I also have some friends who include adult children’s names on cards -sometimes even if they are married and live away. I do find this strange and don’t do it myself. I think my daughter is old enough to send her own cards from her family - or not!

I think it's odd but I still do it myself.

Do you discuss this with your adult children?

I have a friend who does this on her Christmas cards, despite the fact that both daughters left home years ago, live in different parts of the country, and one is married with a child; the spouse and child are also included.

I think it is disingenous to say that someone sends their love/best wishes/congratulations/sympathies unless they actually do, and agree to sending a joint card.

It's not fair on the AC to speak for them unless they specifically ask you to, or on the recipient, if it isnt true!

When my not so "D"M used to sign my name on cards, even though she and I were NOT close, it led some people to believe that her address was my "home" address... and I found out down the line that some people who I thought had stopped keeping in touch with ME, actually thought they WERE in touch with me all along by replying via my "D"Ms address to us both...

Yes. It's odd.

Not from my AC but I include my DH.
Actually I have sent C'cards from us and family.

A very good old family friend told me he really appreciated that our AS sends him a C'card each year. I didn't know.

I got a wedding invite from an extended family member who I hadnt heard a whisper from in years. They had moved years ago and I never got their new address. Was very confused by the invite as it was a smallish wedding. Why invite me? We havent had any contact in years?

Turned out they thought we had remained close and in touch!! My DM had been signing my name on their birthday/christmas/new job/new baby cards and had recieved new address/new baby notifications addresses to us both at her address in return.

This relative thought we had been in touch all that time when I hadnt heard a whisper from them in years and didnt even have their address to send them a Christmas card! They THOUGHT they were sending ME christmas cards by replying to the address cards from "me" were coming from.

They thought I had cared about their life events: new babies, new jobs, new houses... when in fact I hadnt even known about them! Let alone sent my love/regards.

So please DONT do it unless you have specifically discussed that particular event with your AC and they have ASKED you to pass on their regards too.

I would add them if they'd known dds well - and I knew dds would never send a card themselves, since they were 'our' friends.
To very close family I would add our dog and cat! Have even been known to send my mother or other very close family, a card just from dog and cat.

One Christmas I gave dh a particularly nice card with birds, from the little feathered friends whose feeders he's constantly topping up in the garden.

Witzend, if you know that your DDs wouldng send cards to those people, why are you pretending that they ARE sending their best wishes/love/condolences/congratulations etc, when you know that they have no intention of doing so?

This is a bit off topic but similar: we once got approached by someone we know who said "please stop giving me christmas gifts, It's awkward because I don't know you that well and I hoped you would get the hint with me not giving you presents in return but you havent so I feel I have to now say something because it's getting awkward and I would rather you didnt"
^ or words to that effect. It was a while ago.

Thing is, we WERE getting gifts from him, and thought we were reciprocating. His partner (who we DID know well enough to swap gifts with) had been signing his name on gifts from him to us for years and he didnt know! She still does even now that we just address gifts to her after the "situation" with her partner...

Its not fair on anyone.
I didnt at the time persue the point with that couple that we HAD in fact been recieving gifts from "him" because I think his partner was trying to lie to herself more than anyone else as he was one of those men who makes no effort with his partners friends or family.... so I dont think she was misleading us so much as trying to put forward an image of a united front for herself IYKWIM as the partners in the rest of the friendship group were all welcoming and friendly to their wives friends

But it shows you how problematic signing another adults name can be if it is not truely a shared card or gift!

(although while I understand why she did it, it was still humiliating at the time to have a gift returned & to be berrated for it!)

I did the same as Paddyanne, included them whilst they lived at home, including their years at university. As soon they left ‘forever’ I stopped including them. However, I didn’t include them at all on cards to people they sent their own cards to ie my parents who were of course their grandparents. They always sent their own cards to close family members, at first they made them, later they bought them.

Weirdly enough I posted this because it has just been my birthday and two of my friends had included as I said... then today got another card from ex SIL and she included her 50 year old daughter who quite stagily broke off all relations with our family 25 years ago... is she really wishing me a happy birthday? No. It is a weird phenomenon and as many of you above have said can cause more problems than it ever solves. But what can we do about it ??