Adoption

Re phone calls, letters written by child etc; the later a child is placed the more likely it is that child to birth parent contact will be stipulated. This is particularly true if the child has at any point been in the parents’ care or had regular contact with them.

I understand there is an increasing drive to make the letterbox contact come more and more from the child as they get older eg drawing pictures, writing letters themselves etc.

^It wasn't until I read this thread that I came across the term "tummy mummy".
I thoroughly dislike it and find it patronising.^
Perhaps it could be OK when trying to explain to a 2 year old mcem but otherwise I agree.

Your story is also very moving Patsy, as are so many others.

My girls were even younger jalima when the adoption story became part of the bedtime routine!
I think it's a very twee expression and we tend not to do 'twee'.
I have to admit that I also find it uncomfortably intimate.
Years later I met birth mum and think she'd agree that it's not a particularly appropriate term.

My only maternal cousin was adopted by my Aunt and Uncle when she was 12 months old.
The whole family which included 4 other childless couples took her to their heart and she was treasured by us all.
She is over 60 now and we are very close.
She traced her natural mother when in her 40's after my Aunt and Uncle died, she discovered two more half sisters who the mother kept.
There was no meaningful relationship with the mother who has since died or the youngest sister, but the middle sister has become a very dear friend and very supportive of my cousin and her DC.

I look after a child and his brother is adopted. We have to write twice each year to his adopted child and they to us. Letters are very bland. They comment on health, how child is doing at school, their favourite TV programme and food. Any sporting or musical achievements and hobbies. You must not write anything that would give away where in country child lives. We usually word process 1 page with a 14 font and spaces between each paragraph. The child we look after even though he is almost 12 does not write himself. We read out his letters to him as hand written and hard to read.

My daughter has recently married an Australian who is adopted and he is 39 years old and they have just had a child together. Our new son in law has an older adopted sister (not blood sister) and they are very close. They both adore their adopted parents. While over in Australia his parents told me that for the first 5 years of his life they received a call from his birth mother on his birthday asking about him. On his 5th birthday his adoptive father told his birth mother to please not phone any more as it was too upsetting for them. Our son in law has always known he was adopted and when he was 18 his parents gave him all the information they had on his birth mother so he could contact her. He said he didn’t want to see this info and from that day to this he never changed his mind. His adopted parents are wonderful and have given both him and his sister a happy and loving life.

My cousin and his wife adopted three children, a little girl of five and her two young brothers. They came from a children's home and were there because the parents couldn't cope. All went well until the social worker suddenly decided that they must put a photo of the home and the staff on the mantelpiece. The little girl thought it was a threat to send her back there and began bedwetting. The social worker insisted and the little girl became pale and withdrawn. My cousin told her that they had to put it there when the social worker visited because she liked to see it but as soon as she left it would be put in a drawer and left till the next time she came. That worked, up to a point, but the child was acutely aware of it in the drawer. They had to move out of the area before things settled down. How do these people get trained?

I think it's a very twee expression and we tend not to do 'twee'.
I do agree mcem, I was just trying to explain why some may find it useful.
We always called a dog 'a dog' and not a woof woof, nor a cow a 'moocow' etc

Hollycat I cannot even begin to imagine a scenario such as the one you describe. Please tell me this happened back in the mists of time before social workers were properly trained.

It is now possible, with DNA genealogy tests, to track down the parents, or at least the grandparents, of many adopted children. Sometimes there is more than one daughter or son who could be the parent and unless one of their children has tested its not possible to identify the parent exactly.

It's more difficult to track down an adopted child because records for the living are usually withheld. In some cases that too is possible, it's more likely if the adoption was a long time ago.

Anyone adopting a child has to be aware that it is a possibility the child may be curious. IME if you bring the child up believing they were "unwanted" it's much more likely they will go looking. Even if they dont want to know their biological parents they may wish to know if they have brothers and sisters. The desire to do this can come later in life, not necessarily at 18. They may want to know their medical background for the benefit of their own children.

It's not always the case that both parents even knew about the adoption if it took place some time ago and if they knew the child's wider family may not have been told.

Adopted children contacting biological relatives need to see this in the same way as meeting any other stranger. Sometimes it goes well, sometimes not.

Some adoptions are ‘Open Adoptions’ where some written contact is encouraged with a view to an adopted child requesting a meeting depending on age etc. As with everything sometimes it works out & sometimes not, but IMO it’s essential that it is at the request of the age appropriate adoptee.

Hollycat, I can fully understand what you describe, and grannyactivist, yes, it happens today. My earlier post on this thread outlines the circumstances of my grandchild’s adoption by my AC. The social workers were without exception totally pro contact with birth family, not birth mother so much as my AC made it absolutely clear that would not happen, but insisting that contact should take place once a year with a much, much older sibling, who was in care. My little grandchild was removed from birth mother due to appalling neglect, and placed in foster care. My grandchild was a young baby when this happened, approximately a year old. My AC and partner adopted this child some months later. This beautiful little grandchild has no memory of birth mother or any siblings. My AC has collected all information and documentation and kept it in a box for our grandchild should our grandchild wish to know anything later on, and they will share all information they have at that time, should it occur. But when they decided to stop the very occasional contact with the sibling, the social workers were not overjoyed to say the least, but there was no requirement in the adoption order that they needed to comply with, and we as a family are all in agreement that the contact with a sibling who was unknown was causing upset, even a deterioration in behaviour at school, reported to the parents by the class teacher, who whilst knowing this child is adopted, had no knowledge at that particular time, that a visit was being planned, and obviously our grandchild had to be told and prepared. This was the scenario that led to the discontinuation of these visits, the decision being taken by my AC and partner that the visits were not in any way useful to their child, and whatever the current thinking about birth family contact, for their child, it was proving to be actually harmful. So yes, social workers still push this agenda today.

Incidentally, my grandchild and adoptive parents do keep in contact with the foster parents, seeing them a couple of times a year, and they have been able to provide baby photos and such like, so the history is not just a blank. Our grandchild knows there was a birth mother who ‘couldn’t look after you’ and that is why the adoptive parents, who very much wanted a child to love, became the parents, and they say every day how much they love their child.

I recognise the desire to protect a young child, with no conscious memory of an older sibling. I recognise the emotional needs of an older sibling to know their younger sibling is safe and loved. The older child may have been the younger child’s main carer and attachment figure in their chaotic family of origin.
Reassurance doesn’t need to be face to face annual contact which may be overwhelming for everyone involved. Letter box, photographs, even short videos of the younger child playing at some anonymous beach or park can help the older child with the turmoil of losing a brother or sister.
It isn’t easy for any of the peopke involved.

Sorry, I haven't read the most recent comments on this thread but sarahwhitney I am absolutely disgusted at your comments about social workers and referring to them as "the SS".

There may well be a few not very good social workers, as there are not very good employees in most occupations. However, I believe the vast majority go into this very demanding job for the best of reasons.

*grannyactivist" spoke about the work she did in this field and it is clear from what she says that she cared very much about the wellbeing of the child above all but also of the birth parents and the adoptive parents. I don't believe she is an isolated example.

I would be very proud to have done such an important job - one which is not particularly well paid, carries huge responsibility and in which social workers seem always to be the first target for villification.

Iam64, a beautiful photograph of our grandchild was given to the older sibling on one of the visits, with the request it would not be put on the internet. What happened was that this photo was shown/sent to a birth family member who lived abroad, and had NEVER seen or had any contact with our grandchild, it was then put on Facebook!! Despite this very distressing event, it was not this that finally influenced the parents decision, but the obvious distress, upset, and behaviour deterioration of their child prior to visits, who is their primary concern. Any other siblings are not their concern. As said previously, all information pertaining to our grandchild's adoption will be available if our grandchild wants to know or search later on.

Just a general note, mothers are no longer forced to give up their babies because they are not married. Children who are placed for adoption today have usually been forcibly removed from inadequate, neglectful, or abusive parents. One wonders what adopted children who grow up in loving families, and experience only love, care, and total concern and suport for their child, and including the addition of loving extended family. What if an adopted child searches and finds the birth family, and finds abusive and neglectful family members who have absolutely nothing in common with the now adult child? Does anyone actually think of the grown child who finds his/her birth family to be anti social, uncaring, possibly criminal (this is not fantasy, it applies to ours)? Does anyone think of the shock, the disappointment? It's a completely different scenario to a young woman, forced by society to give up her newborn, completely different!

GabriellaG..........It so happens I was not formally adopted and actually my biological parents only lived 10 miles away ......so we all knew where the other lived.
I do not even know what arrangements were made.......and of course, out of concern for my "Adoptive Mum" I asked no questions until after her death.............which was sadly too late.

Found this

maddyone, I understand the distress that would have caused to any adoptive parents and their children.

In a post earlier in this thread, I made the same point you do. Very few babies are now voluntarily given for adoption. The majority of children placed for adoption, will have experienced abuse. This often includes babies who are removed at birth, some of whom will be born addicted to drugs or having been exposed to excessive amounts of substances/alcohol/domestic abuse, in utero.

Your question about whether 'anyone' thinks about the possibility of 'the shock the disappointment' when adopted children trace birth parents and find them to be 'anti social possibly uncaring, criminal'. All those things are considered at length. It isn't easy for anyone and research as well as the psychological assessment of each individual child will be considered. It used to be believed that children did better if they were totally protected from information about their birth families. That belief was challenged by adults who had been happy in their adoptive homes. I do agree with your comment about the complexity and risks of any form of letter box contact. I empathise with older siblings but I agree that photographs etc can be misused, often as a result of pressure from others in the extended birth family.

Iam64, thank you for your comments, adoption is certainly an emotive subject. With regard to our discussion of what possible disappointment or shock adopted adults may feel if they manage to find their birth family, I know that my own dear AC worries enormously about this, and has frequently expressed these concerns to me. The worry is that our grandchild, who is loved so much by the parents and grandparents, will find the birth family and be shocked and disappointed by what is found. Given the circumstances which I obviously cannot discuss, this doesn’t seem to be an unlikely scenario. Plus my AC has a fairly affluent and professional lifestyle, and whilst I would be absolutely the first to say that money cannot and does not buy love, because our grandchild is loved so much, but AC also worries that our grandchild could be made more welcome than would be otherwise, once this is realised by the birth family.
None the less, our grandchild knows something about the circumstances surrounding the start of it’s life, and every effort will be made to give appropriate support should the birth family be looked for in due course.
Interestingly, my cousin adopted two children way back in the seventies; like my grandchild they knew about their adoptions from an early age, but neither have have shown the slightest interest in tracing their birth families. They say that their Mum and Dad are their parents and they have no wish to find their original families.
A second apology for lack of appropriate pronouns, I have to protect my family’s anonymity.

Tummy mummy? And this is not talking to the child but to the adopting parents.

Btw Doesn't tummy mean stomach, not uterus?

Oh, for goodness sake!

I agree absent, but how on earth do you describe it to a 2,3,4, or even 5year old.

Well I explained it perfectly well many times over without using such a trite and contrived term!

I will be homest here, and I appreciate this doesn’t put me in a good light, but I feel some of the grans are being made to defend their AC’s personal circumstances whilst I sit here quiet.

I not only worked in a related field, I was at one point an applicant prospective adopter. It was a long and painful wait for children, and I had given up on birth children ever coming. I was ready and willing to adopt.

Due to work, I had probably had longer to think about the details of the adoption process than other applicants, amd there were a few things I had taken away from those experiences. I dealt solely with birth parents until identified and matched adopters came into the frame for a child, so I didn’t see only one side of the story or anything like that.

I knew I wasn’t going to send the photos once our adoption was eventually finalised.

That’s not a kind thing to do, and I will take the flack for it here, because I would liketo explain why.

Prospective adoptions disrupt before the order is granted. A lot. A lot more than people realise. It takes around two years from the placement of the child with the adopters until the final order is granted. A lot can go wrong in that time. Children and adopters are only human, and it doesn’t always work. They are trying to forge a parent and child relationship, usually with a kid who comes from a background with adverse experiences.

Prospective adoptions are really easily disrupted, and sometimes the placement terminated by social work themselves, if the freeing for adoption was contentious and the birth family find out who the adopters are and where the child is.

I saw this happen maybe a dozen times. In one case, this child had waited five years for adoptive placement amd it was up in smoke after a month when the adopters’ house windows were smashed, their car set alight and the birth family assaulted the mum on her way out of work. The kid went back to long term foster and honestly, since SW were required to disclose why the previous adoptive placement broke down, that little girl wasn’t being taken by anyone after that. It was heartbreaking.

The way all the cases I knew of happened was via photos. Kids here are placed within their local authority area. Adopters would think sometimes that as long as the school logo wasn’t on the school picture, the requested school picture would be safe to send.

It wasn’t. It’s not hard to figure out from a school tie what school kid is at and wait for them outside. Even non school pictures went on facebook with a plea for help tracing the ‘child stolen by social work on a false allegation’. Recent photos are a godsend when looking for a child and you don’t quite know where to start. There are a lot of well intentioned people out there who will share posts and information.

It was often the grandparents or aunts who did the social media campaigning, to keep the parents ostensibly out of it.

It works. It works better than you think. Many many people believe that most children removed by SW are removed wrongly or on false allegations. They are not. It is a long and difficult process to remove a child and have them freed for adoption. I will not claim that no injustices are ever done - so many kids are removed, in that number there are bound to be a few wrong decisions - but most of these kids were removed following very anxious scrutiny by the courts. Yet still, well meaning folks help the birth families to find them.

And this often blows the prospective adoption apart.

I wasn’t willing to risk that with a child I committed to. So I wasn’t going to send the photos. The letters were one thing, but not photos.

It’s not kind, I know. But that was why I planned to do that, and that is why many other adopters close the adoption at least in that respect.

Eleothan, surely SS referred to Social Services not anything horrid or sinister

midget - the context in which SS was used certainly gave the impression of a comparison with a branch of the Nazi military in the 1930s and 40's

muffin - I'm due somewhere so have to go. I want to read you post carefully but my initial response is - thanks.