Son in law’s parents.

My dil was extremely ill after giving birth. She had to have a blood transfusion. Firstly, balloons were not allowed in the ward, and secondly we were asked to stay away until she felt better. Our son wanted us to see the baby so we had a very brief visit. The nurse was quick to say her patient was to be left in peace. However her family had long visits. I don't have a problem with that. She felt comfortable with her own mum of course.

Of course with these scenarios we only hae one point of view to go on, however the old adage ' a son is a son till he takes him a wife' has been around for a very long time, so there must be some measure of truth in it.

None of it is a competition, why is a big balloon of any significance at all? Just someone else's way of doing things.

You can make things hard or easy, the choice is how you deal with it all. Lucky you a new baby in the family and a mother safely delivered after all that worry. Count your blessings and share them

No matter how unreasonable you believe you dd's il to be remember you will share dgd for all time and things said can't be unsaid. Be friendly, and remember it is often harder to be son's Mum as d will most likely feel closer to her own Mum than mil. I occasionally feel disappointed my sil tends to leave most child care to my dd and gets more free time to himself but I button my lips, smile and never comment about my thoughts. I don't want to lose out on dd, sil and dgc coming on holiday with us and getting to play with dgc on beach. Smile and bite your tongue or you may lose out in end. Let your dd and her dh deal with his Mum.

Nonnie I think your reversal scenario was unhelpful. The size of the balloon? Did you actually read what the OP said?

When DGS1 was born after Emergency C Section DH & I had to do a 3 hour dash to the Hospital, upon arrival I was informed DD already had visitors, as you can imagine I was about to burst into tears as I was so worried about DD. Luckily the In Laws came out & we were allowed in. In Laws had taken DD to Hospital & lived close to DD & her OH. My 1st concern was DD then baby. We stayed for a week as DD was in Hospital for 3 days.

When DGS2 was born last year I had moved closer due to being widowed so I was on hand when required, DD was in Hospital overnight, I provided transport as her OH doesn't drive. I gave them a day together as a family & returned the following day, my DD knew she could call me anytime but I believe in giving them space.

In Laws have little interest in their DGSs & don't even visit, their loss & certainly not anything DD or I have done. I always check with DD before visiting but it suits us

I have a similar problem. My daughters MIL has created a competition! She is a domineering woman capable of awful lies and shocking bullying behaviour.
She tries to tell her son we dislike him that we are snobs who look down on the likes of them etc etc.
We have bided our time kept our mouths shut and now our SIL has realised how different our parenting styles are, he puts his mother in her place and leans far more toward us for support and help.
Our daughter also told her to treat her with more respect or she would not be welcome in their home.
So after 4 years of warring finally things are a lot calmer, for some time we feared she would split them up.

I must be very lucky, 3 kids with 3 lovely partners and I have lovely relationships with all the other 3 Nans. We are all respectful of each other’s feelings and aware of the possible complexities of the various relationships. The scenario you describe is the reason why so many new parents, start putting timetables in place for visits etc and then they are vilified by everyone as being awkward. Grandparents need to have their own lives that do not always revolve round grandchildren and I personally am very grateful then for all invites I get to visit or babysit, or if they want to pop round etc If you are unfortunate enough to get a control freak of a MIL then they have to be spoken to fairly but assertively, otherwise you just enable the situation to continue, and who wants to live in a war zone, the new parents and baby need to be surrounded by love and support so why would any parent want to cause so much angst. So many grandparents seem to spoil the joy of new parents, with jealousy and control and it’s so unfair.

I accept that my DILs will be closer to their Mums as my DSs are closer to me . I get on well with them both and would never do anything to cause any problems in their relationships . These Inlaws sound like a nightmare but we are only seeing this from one side .

Yearoff.
Tell me who hasn't been there, at some time, with their SIl's family. I won't go into my own experiences but it is natural that a daughter will turn to her own mother. You appear to have SIl on your side but if you want peace to reign then you must accept, and what I call the 'opposition', have as much right to be involved with their grandchild as you have.Until you have a friendly get together and discuss who will do what and when then there is nothing but trouble ahead and imagine the effect this will have on the grandchildren.

I fully understand how the OP feels. My DD’s engagement and wedding was highjacked by her MIL and FIL. When she had a placental abruption at 31 weeks with twins and an emergency c section, I was beside myself with anxiety as to whether the babies would survive or if they did, how much damage there had been, let alone my poor DD going through the stress. They arrived at the hospital jumping up and down, hugging each other with excitement at becoming GPs and with balloons. The next day when we were finally able to see the babies in intensive care, the even brought their own DD’s now ex-boyfriend. We have all had plenty of twin time as they recovered well, but they will never be on my guest list.

I have only met my second son's inlaws once a his wedding.
We live too far apart to meet socially but they seem very vanilla. My DiL is a wonderful wife and mother and works full time too...as many do.
She and my son visit her parents for occasional Sunday lunch but leave shortly after the meal. When I asked why, she replied that it was boring.
They are abroad for 5 months of the year and have a robust social life. I'm not on fb or Twitter and they very rarely post on those platforms, according to my other children. My other son has a g/f but not married or living together.
I tend not to involve myself overmuch in the lives of my children except when it pleases us both. They all live quite some distance from me (and each other) which makes a day visit out of the question.
I'm not involved with any of my children's MsiL.

Yes I do. A man’s wife comes before his mother and mothers of sons, like myself, must accept that and learn to let go. They must also accept that in many cases DIL will be closer to her own mother than MIL.

I have 2 DD and 1 son, both D's have partners, one sil and one soon to be sil. I get on with both of the other sides but I have to make the effort. My DS was engaged to a lovely girl who was like my 3rd DD, unfortunately they broke the engagement off. I still see her and would love for them to find each other again; at the moment her family don't get on with me( my son broke the engagement)

Nonnie there will be two sides to the story. My DD was in intensive care. The nurses had to tell. SIL’s parents to take the balloon outside. Statement from the in laws include “ we can’t get near that baby she’s always breastfeeding her! And “I don’t care if your DW nearly died, we just want to see that baby!” Please don’t think my DD is putting barriers in between the grandparents, my SIL is the one telling them to back off and let him and his DW get used to be parents. I should add my SIL is used to this type of behaviour. I can’t imagine treating any of my DC or their partners like this.

It’s difficult, Yearoff, when someone - anyone - is being apparently mean to your daughter. My daughter’s in-laws override her and act as if she’s only there to look after their precious son. I let my daughter talk about it (rant about it sometimes), and I sympathise with her, but I stay out of it. This is all tied up with the couple’s relationship with each other, and should not be meddled with. I’m always pleasant and friendly with the in laws. My daughter-in-law lives closer to us than to her own parents, so we’re surrogates to her. When her own family visits, I keep out of the way, and leave them to it. I understand perfectly, though, that her mum is her closest friend, and I would never feel upset by that - in fact I’m happy that they have a close and loving relationship. Good luck ?

Absolutely I have always been totally happy that my grandson spends more time with his mum's parents than with me. I always expected he would, it seems the normal order of things. But then I have a daughter as well. I wonder if it's harder if you only have sons and therefore ALL your grandchildren are getting closer to other grandparents than to you.

However -- in the first couple of weeks the mother needs plenty of rest and very limited visits from anyone except the person or people she has designated as her supporters. And even then those supporters need to be sensitive to signs the mother just needs to be left alone. New mothers don't always realise in advance just how tiring it can be having another person bustling around, and sometimes pre-arrange more visitors and supporters than they can cope with when the time comes!

I do accept that my DIL will be far closer to her mum than with me. They are very close but I think it's almost inevitable. I'd like to think I'm friends with my DIL and always try hard to remain cordial. Am sure she feels the same. The same with her parents, extended family etc. I remember my son telling me his wife's parents weren't my type! He was right but again I'm polite on the infrequent occasion we meet. The in-laws live nearby to DS so inevitably they have more input with my GD. I'm not envious, just happy that they help out so much with child care etc.

I'm happy if my son is happy!
Anyway I have my own daughter.

All that said, if the inlaws were making awful scenes I may have to be restrained!!!

Of course your daughter in law will be closer to her Mum than to you, what planet are you living on?

I have two sons and knew their OHs well before they settled down and had babies. I regarded them - and still do - as friends. It's probably a good thing that I and the other parents live a considerable distance from both couples, though I happened to be on the scene at the right time, every time. There's never been any competition between me and the other PiLs.

I'd hate to think that I was making my DS's & DIL's life more difficult by being at loggerheads with the other granny. We've worked at being a united team that, between us, means that one of us is always available if help is needed in any way. It's worked so well that DIL's mother and I have developed our own friendship and frequently meet up to socialise on our own. Makes for a far happier and harmonious family for everyone. I realise that I am very fortunate and that this isn't always the case for others.

I never wanted to compete with my grandsons other Nan.
She wanted to see him all the time, and that suited me just fine.

The parents were all so bloody awful when my eldest was born I ended up keeping the whole bloody lot of them at arms length and doing the best I could with my newborn on my own.

I have many stories. Possibly the best was when i was two days post partum, haemorrhaging badly, and my MIL announced to my H thinking I was out of earshot, "Just try and get her taken away into hospital so I can keep MY baby at MY house". Witch. I got my blood transfusion whilst hanging grimly on to my baby, whom she knew was a miracle after many painful years of infertility.

I realise it must be incredibly exciting to become grandparents, but making the brand new mum feel like shit and like some sort of disposable incubator now the baby has arrived should be avoided.

I am cringing at OP's story of showing up with a balloon whilst the brand new mum and their son's wife is in intensive care. Incredibly insensitive to them both. The poor guy must have been in bits worrying about his wife and their new baby.

We are all the product of our experiences though and there will be many different and equally valid testimonies on this thread. I am still hurt after several years but I realise most people's in laws are entirely decent folk.

My nan died from sepsis so having seen what she went through and what a heart breaking thing it is to witness I would be raging if anyone came in with balloons looking to celebrate while my kid was lying in intensive care. Baby or not. She could of died really. It's abit insensitive. You must of been terrified and her DH.

I understand grandparenting should be 'equal' or atleast fair? In the early days, even weeks a little bit of understanding to the woman who gave birth should be understood.

I'm a mother of daughters so can't really say much about sons but I was treated similar your DD. I didn't have sepsis or anything but I had a bit of a tough time. My mom was MY helper. DH was great and managed DD, but my mom had (obviously) done the recovery thing all before. She gave a shit about ME and helped me out. If DH had given birth he would of gravitated towards his mom. It's normal.

Instead of abit of understanding in the early days, that actually, it wasn't going smoothly. Stitches popped, breastfeeding wasn't working and PND was setting in..whatever the case.

IMO this isn't about Grandparenting it's about what happened during the birth and tension from that.

The whole idea of competition between grandparents just sounds weird. Marriage of our DS and DDiL was the marriage of 2 families. We live 200 miles apart, we have had very different lives, yet stay with each other and holiday together, DS & DDiL, their respective sisters, and DMiL and us (and DGC, of course).

Life was very difficult for DDiL during pregnancy and first six months of DGD life. No sooner did they know there was a baby on the way, than DS moved to a job 200 miles away and was only home Fri evening -Sun evening. Their house was sold, they had a tiny rented flat and how DDiL would have managed without her wonderful mother being with her day in, night out, I do not know. It never occurred to me to be jealous of her. It was a year before they were all together again.

As paddyann says: The child has two parents and there will be two families. Life when you get on and do not spend your time looking for slights, or taking umbrage is so much easier.

I was chatting to another grandmother recently and we both agreed that after a bit of help in first few weeks, we should leave the parents look after their own child as far as possible. We obviously visit now and then and give a hand with housework (if acceptable), but it sounds as if yearoff has been there a lot, since she lives in same apartment block.