Dealing with the bills

Venus
Well done for getting on and doing everything, something we all have to be prepared for.

My husband died 17 months ago. He always dealt with the finances, but a couple of years before he died, daughter 3 decided to look into what he was paying for various things, and she saved us a flipping fortune. When he died, 2 of my daughters helped me sort everything and set up a bank account to pay bills by direct debit. I`d have been lost if I`d had to do it myself. They still help me out with it sometimes.

The finances would be the least of my worries if my DH went first. I’d gave to manage the boat single handed which is not impossible as I have friends who are single handed on their boats, but he does all the repairs and looks after the maintenance jobs that I don’t have a clue about.

I deal with our finances, and my OH would be totally lost. We have mainly joint accounts, but it's me who deals with bills, phone calls, internet banking, moving money to gain better interest rates, etc.

I have details online, a spreadsheet, and book in which everything is detailed. He knows about these, but prefers being out in the garden, mowing, planting and other jobs.

Our son lives with us, and if anything happened to me, he would probably be able to sort out things.

If you really worry about this and it’s affecting your wellbeing, I think the best way forward would be to draw up a power of attorney for both health and welfare and financial matters in your sons favour, if he is willing. He would then be able to deal with all of your financial matters and you could relax knowing it was taken care of by someone you trust.

My husband is exactly the same NanKate. He has held the financial reins for 52 years now and everything has run smoothly. I have always had my own account and that has not run smoothly and I have had to be "bailed out" frequently, but I am getting better. He has made out a list for me in the event is something happening, setting out in detail what needs to be done and in what order. Where I can find things on the PC, where all the invoices are kept, standing orders and direct remittances, pension queries and who deals with them, etc., etc. and he updates this regularly. I feel daunted, but fully supported and hope not to make a mess of things if it is ever "my turn".

I do have to add I think it’s the generation we were brought up in that the men dealt with the finances and the women dealt with running the home and rearing the children. I’ve always done both and I’m happy that way.However,the generation now bring there children up differently boys to cook etc girls to manage there money.

NanKate if you think DH is going first make sure you have a joint bank account so that you can pay all bills, as it still works even if there is only one of you alive. had one with my mother. i paid for her funeral , her care bills etc. after she died and then found that half the money left was viewed as mine! Good luck.

Don't forget that you will be grieving if you have lost a husband, and will not be your normal practical self. There is so much to do after a death that it's essential to make things easier in advance. We had a separate joint account to pay all the bills by direct debit, with a healthy balance to make sure that the bills were paid for several months. This proved to be a boon when my husband died last year. Your income will presumably change, and money needs to go into the account before it can go out. All the utilities need to go into your own name, and some companies just cross off one name but others insist on starting a new contract. All very stressful.

I’ve been a widow for 15 years. Do make sure that everything is in joint names. Tell DH you love the way he handles things( even if you don’t) and ask him to go through one bill a month and show you what he does. Say you want to help. Take notes in a way that’s easy for you. You will soon get an idea of it all and he should support you. If you can, do it online by direct debit, you’ll save money and not have to worry about big bills coming in and having to pay them. You’ll know exactly what you are spending each month too

Although I let my DH deal with all the financial matters at the moment, I'm sure I could manage if I had to. It gives him an interest and makes him feel useful (which he is) so I let him carry on. The one thing that worries me though is the fact that I am, and always have been, a named driver on HIS car insurance. If he was critically ill in hospital and I drove to his death-bed, I couldn't legally drive home again! Unlikely, I know, but sometimes it plays on my mind!

Nankate The arrangements in our marriage were that DH looked after the financial side of our life.Bills, mortgage, council tax etc although I did have my own money from a job I later obtained when our children became independant . Not long after DH retired he became ill that is when it all changed and I had to deal with the financial side of our life that I had relied on DH doing. Don't leave it until you are, like I was , thrown in at the deep end.

I have always dealt with the household finances as my ex worked offshore and I am very capable.
We had an account which was purely for all household expenditure.
I can work out my gas and electricity bills to the 'penny' and negotiate better tariffs when necessary.
Everything is paid by direct debit except broadband which I pay upfront and really haggle over.
I joined Topcashback which paid me £99 back after I went through their site to sign up with EE.
I never pay full price for anything if at all possible.
I'd hate to be a helpless woman who can't sort out her finances by herself.
The OP's husband sounds as if he runs a military operation when that degree of complication isn't necessary to get good results.

Nankate, my husband dealt with all our finances up until the onset of dementia following a stroke ( co-incidence?) ten years ago. He was very good organising investments, savings etc, negotiating best deals for utilities etc etc, I did not have a clue! Unfortunately, he was very hopeless when it came to paperwork and kept all records up to date in his head!! It took me ages to unravel it all, and now he simply leaves everything to me! It has been a very difficult and daunting task, as I am nowhere near as good as he was at sorting out the best deals; I am simply not interested!!! Life is too short to go haggling after saving every penny!! I do have it all properly documented now, all records up to date, so when anything happens to me, it is as straight forward as possible for those that will deal with our affairs.

In our thirty plus years of marriage we have never had one single disagreement about money. The bills are mostly paid by direct debit and what's mine is his and what's his is mine. We're neither of us materialistic, but if either of us wants to buy a big ticket item or disburse large sums we always 'ask' the other; knowing full well the answer is going to be a positive one.

I always handled all our household finances from the first year of our marriage to about 15 years ago when my husband decided to take over which was ok with me. He now has everything on an enormous spreadsheet which he updates on a weekly basis. He's recently negotiated good discounts on insurances and swapped the power supplier - I probably couldn't be bothered to do that if he wasn't there. I do however maintain my own bank accounts and spending on a simple free online account program which is nearly as good as the well known business system I use at work so I'm sure I'd manage. I think the main thing is to have the passwords and usernames your husband uses so that you would be able to access the information in the event. Let's hope you don't need them

I've always done it all as H has no interest in money. He fears me going first because he knows he'd be totally lost on that score. However, he also knows that all he has to do is access my infamous spreadsheet and he will know all that he needs to know. If you have to face it NanKate you will simply find your own way of doing it.

Like you we're very long term married and even though we have our own interests I sometimes wonder where he stops and I begin, if you know what I mean. The loss would be huge for me, but all the 'life admin' is bread and butter to me.

I have always dealt with household bills since I got married. Just as well, when my husband left , he had to phone to ask what to do about car servicing and driver insurance .

My husband passed away four months ago. I had never dealt with the finances. It's surprising what you can do if you are forced to. I am also dealing with a flat that my husband put a deposit down for which he wanted to rent out for a bit of income. You will find that you are far more capable then you think. You just have to be strong and get on with it.

I cannot understand women who "can't" deal with financial matters or husbands who "can't" cook, use the washing machine etc. It is essential that spouses can become self sufficient if necessary so if your partner does everything you need to get clued up now.
Direct debit isn't enough. I am assisting an elderly neighbour just now and was horrified to find he is paying 5 times the price for home insurance compared to the neighbour in the other side of the semi. He had remained loyal to his company and every year premiums had gone up. His neighbour shopped around. Unless you don't care about being ripped off make the effort to learn.

I was a single parent for ten years so I dealt with all the money matters but with my second husband now I am quite happy for him to manage all the finances. We both have our own accounts and also a joint account in which all the bills are paid from. He discusses with me what he is doing and who he is changing to and when. I am the handyman in this marriage, I put up shelves, drill holes, mend things etc. So we are both doing what we are best at. We have discussed about one of us going, so I have made him a cookbook and taught him how to cook his favourite dishes.. liver and onions, apple pie etc. He in turn has given me his passwords which are all kept on my iPad, he also makes a yearly list of what finances we have, investments etc. So I can keep track at a glance. Would be totally lost without him.

I'm like Maggie spreadsheets all the way and an updated one once a month goes into a paper file. Direct Debits for all bills and standing orders for charities.

Letters written to the family in the event of my death detailing all the y need to know.

DH does the insurances and I have no idea what will happen if he goes first but presumably they will tell me when renewal is due and I will cancel half of them because we are very over insured!

I think the reason we have a comfortable retirement is because I look after the money. DH is another one whose eyes glaze over when I try to tell him about our financial situation. Periodically he asks me if we can afford to live and I just tell him it is OK

I have dealt with our household finances for the last 50 years, my husband is hopeless. It's the physical stuff I can't do - log chopping etc.

It's amazing what 'needs must' achieves. I have always been the financial manager but I lost an invaluable handyman. I am so proud of the little technical and larger decorating 'talents' I have achieved over the years since. My learning was finance driven. The crazy prices for call outs even before a job was started was an eye-opener to me and forced me into a learning curve which, though sometimes scary, I've managed. I won't say I've always enjoyed at the time but the satisfaction of success is beyond belief. I don't indulge in anything even remotely dangerous. No sirree.

Ours runs like clockwork, no one has to do anything. It's all done electronically. We have a joint account which is used to pay all regular bills, we each contribute the same amount every month. DH was a bit resistant to the idea of the joint account - he'd had bad experiences in a previous marriage. I persuaded him to do it, many years ago now, since I encountered a woman who was in that situation being described - late husband had done it all and she had no clue as to what was due, how to pay the utility bills etc. Poor woman was distraught.

I've been in hospital recovering from surgery and have heard people around me stressing about 'not being able to get out to get their pensions and pay their bills'. I lay back and just recovered, no other worries.

There are people, like Coco51's mum, who are quite happy to sit back and let someone else take the responsibility for them. When they're widowed they think daughter or son should do it all. I also met a woman whose husband was a retired bank manager. A very intelligent, capable woman, but she used to be given 'housekeeping' every week! It's like a child being given pocket money.