What would you advise?

He needs to stand on his own two feet, and should have been doing long before now. It's hard to quite believe that at 35 he still expects this.

You know exactly what advice you need to give and indeed you also know that it won't be listened to. Say your piece then stay out of it. They will continue to support him, to the detriment of themselves, until they have no money left. There are obviously issues of bullying, manipulation and guilt all thrown into the equation here so say your bit then step back and let them get on with it.

A firm hand indeed needs to be taken here,there is no way this "man-boy" is going to make it big in his band if they haven't managed it by now they stand no chance,the others that work part time can't just drop their work if gigs come in during the week so who is the nephew trying to kid only himself I think.
Mother & Father both need to be on the same page on this and the nephew needs a firm talking to.

This is terrible, the 'lad' should have been encouraged to stand on his own two feet at least a decade ago. As he hasn't become rich and famous through music he should pursue this as a part time hobby and work at a proper job like the rest of us.
My younger brother works as a fork lift truck driver and pursues his music career at weekends - this lad should do the same. He has been over-indulged for too long which hasn't really helped him.

It's not that they are bad, but they just aren't that good either and in the entertainment business you have to be outstanding to get anywhere.

It's not so much a case of being outstanding - there are more brilliant musicians/singers out there who never make it big - and many who are not so brilliant but are in the right place at the right time.
It's no good waiting for the 'big time' to arrive - it could but it probably won't now so he needs to find another source of income.

But, as TillyWhiz has said, do be careful about being pulled into what is not your problem. You could end up with no-one speaking to you.

A similar situation is a family with 3 sons in the same age range who have been supported by their parents who want them to be successful in the music business. Difference the boys care very much for their parents and have always been encouraged by them. The boys do have regular gigs, also write music and sell it and are exploring other avenues of making money in the music business and moving out of the family home but it has taken a long time.

As for being adopted that is emotional blackmail. The son also doesn't understand his father and a father's role. He also doesn't seem to be very caring of his parents. It is not as if the rest of the band are not supporting themselves. No point him being available 24/7 if the rest of the band are not.

But in the end your Bil has to take a very firm stand against both his son and wife and hopefully convince his wife that this is effecting his health. Unfortunately there is going to be some unpleasantness before this is resolved. I know we often say this but I think the wife needs some counselling.

The things we do for love ! This man has been enabled to live a life of giving nothing and taking everything, and at his age that is quite unacceptable. He is clearly using emotional blackmail to ensure the situation continues in his favour. Ask him who else he knows that lives this way ? The SIL needs to ask herself where this will go once their savings run dry and she should be supporting her husbands feelings, not continuing to indulge this selfish, lazy man. A reality check is so needed here. If it continues, the husband is not happy, if it stops the son will not be happy. So there is no easy solution unless this man gets out of Cloud Cuckoo land and gets a job, even if it’s part time initially so he meets them halfway. It shouldn’t be part time but he clearly needs introducing to the real world gently !!

Sunseeker
Most parents want to see their children have a good start in life.Your BIL had done enough At 35 his son is not a child and should be told the Bank of Father is now closed.

Just tell him no more money. If he does the emotional blackmail thing, then they know he doesn't care for them, only for their money and they can make future plans for their lives without him freeloading.

It is unfortunate that he as grown up so ungrateful. He is too old now to make it in the music business, plenty of younger people trying the same thing.

My cousin's life was ruined by her amazingly talented and highly trained husband trying to make it big in music business, he was brilliant but still never made it.

Time for them all to grow up and face the realthings.

Although I totally agree with you about this 'musician', I think you are being pulled into a husband and wife argument and it would pay to be a tad careful!

I agree with all that has been said but then you know this. However, it has gone on for so long that withdrawal has to be done slowly. My daughter relied on us more and more and we were in a similar situation. So next time he wants money he has to be told that this will be the last because you (BiL) cant afford it any more. That way he has time to get his head round it.

Why can't he teach guitar/drums/keyboard or whatever is his area of expertise, perhaps through a reputable music shop?
Unless you hit the big time your income can vary enormously - fine if you have plenty of gigs and can make a reasonable living but sometimes things can go quiet and you need a back-up plan.

Providing him with accommodation is one thing, and even that's pushing it at 35, but they really shouldn't be giving him money, least of all their savings!

Most bands don't make it big-time but plenty are earning a living by gigging around the country in pubs, weddings, support acts, etc.

As to how your BIL handles this I suppose he could start by saying that they will continue to provide accommodation but no more money.

If SIL is not on board, nothing will work!!

It is very difficult to get on in the music business so he really needs a job that will keep him financed, he can not expect his parents to fund him at 35.
DD did a full time job and played in a band on evenings and weekends, she also studied for a degree in Chemistry at the same time achieving a double first.
If he can't even manage a little part time job then he is not much of a man.

Sorry if I misunderstood but the thread that mentioned flying into a rage, made me think of bullying. I hope it works out for sunseekers brother in law
and that once explained to him fully he will try to think of ways to help,as maybe he is unaware of the full facts.

Sunseeker didn’t say that the nephew may become bullying.He may be somebody who is a bit of a dreamer and would have difficulties fitting in with a ‘normal job’ ( we don’t know the full story.)
However, I agree that the nephew needs to be told that he should at least try to work, even part time, and to help out at home in other ways as well, if his parents want him to.

I think both parents need to sit him down,explain that they just cannot afford support him any longer,if he flies into a rage ask him to find somewhere else to live,as bullying should never happen. At his age he should feel embarrassed that elderly parents are still supporting him.If they feel uncomfortable trying to talk,maybe putting it in a letter and giving a date as to when the support will be withdrawn and when his contribution to the household should commence.He should be able to claim benefit until he gets a job. I wish them luck as it won,t be easy.

It sounds like you need to talk to your sister in law not your brother in law who’s obviously singing from the same hymn sheet as you

I am just amazed at the number of threads we have had on GN over the years about over-indulged children becoming over indulged adults and the over-indulgers then being 'afraid' to tell the over-indulged cuckoo in the nest that the party is over.

The plug should have been pulled on this 'young' man 10 years ago. Give him three months warning that the plug is about to be pulled so that he can get his act in order and get a job that makes him supporting and another three months to find separate accommodation.

Phrases like 'killing with kindness' and 'being cruel to be kind' so frequently come to mind.

Hmm. Forgive me if I’ve misunderstood but is the issue really convincing your sister in law? It would be so helpful if they agreed and could tell their son together that no matter how much they love him the passing of time means it is simply not possible to continue financial support. The financial support does have to end. It’s hard to change expectations but yes, it does have to be done.

Iam64 I think BiL already knew what my advice would be as I have said in the past that I think nephew should be supporting himself.

Your brother in law sought your advice on how to tell his 35 year old son that dad’s I’ll health means he can no longer finance his sons rock star ambitions. What advice do you want to give and do you feel it would be well received and acted on Sunseeker.
It sounds as though your brother in law may have tried to raise this with his son, who didn’t respond well. Is the young man a bully as well as immature do you think. 35 is an unusual age to remain financially dependent on your parent unless something is wrong with your physical or psychological health. It may be a row is inevitable and possibly overdue.

You are all stating what I am thinking! My BiL has two problems, his wife thinks they should continue to support their son even to the extent of using their savings. They adopted him when he was a baby and when BiL has tried to reason with him in the past he has flown into a rage and pulled the "you're not my real parents so can't understand" argument. I have suggested to nephew that he get a job and "gig" on the weekends but he said they need to be available for any offers that come in. Two members have already left and three have part time jobs, he is the only one holding out and wants to interview replacements for the two who left. It's not that they are bad, but they just aren't that good either and in the entertainment business you have to be outstanding to get anywhere. I think BiL knows this is a problem of his own making and he should have faced it years ago but now has to sort it out.

I can appreciate that its going to be difficult, but it needs to be said, and soon. His son needs it laid on the line; no arguments or negotiating. Its time to stop relying on his dads money.