My Grans unannounced daily visits

Devorgrilla my daughters aren't too fussed they'd rather her attention was on the baby rather than them, they see it as peace and pity my son lol.. She always has one favourite at a time, it was me, then my cousins daughter (until she did something dreadful that made my cousin cut all ties with her) and now it's my poor son.. We have my husbands name It's very strange but she hasn't come today or yesterday!! X

Thistlerose1, is your son the first son in the family? I ask this because some people still have this hangup about having a boy to carry on the family name although, as she is your grandmother, the name would be your husband's. You could of course be a modern family where the children have your surname. My mother, who had 7 granddaughters and one grandson adored him above all the others. She denied it of course and was generous to the girls too but he was always her No 1. The granddaughters used to sing a very rude song about where the sun shone, inserting the said grandson's name. Even my mother had the grace and good humour to find that funny. Perhaps your girls should do the same. I hope you have a healthy pregnancy and safe delivery.

Lock both doors and close the curtains. We used to do this sometimes when we didn't feel like visitors. Doesn't matter if she thinks your in or not just do it. Good luck.

Granof11 I'm very sure you don't overstep the boundaries and you sound like a delight and very helpful to your Grandchildren.. My Gran doesn't babysit or help with my children in any way, not only because she doesn't offer but I don't think she would manage so my husband and I just do our kids on our own.. My Gran seems to be a drain on my happiness lol, for example if I ask her not to do something she will continue to do said thing and laugh with enjoyment, when I get angry my Grandad tells me that I just need to learn to ignore her but I find this difficult.. I don't ignore my toddlers bad behaviour, I don't ignore my teenagers behaviour (she's never any bother but if she was) Obviously my Gran can behave as she pleases but I just don't want her doing it in my house.. For example she will say things like 'remember when this baby comes along that your brother is no1 in this house' to my 10 year old daughter.. I got very angry at this as my Grans children have not grown into specimens that I'd want my children turning in to.. Apparently though I was being silly to be annoyed with such things.. I'm very sure she is a rare breed of Granny and there is not much need for anyone else to worry about being a nuisance xx

Thistlerose, thank you so much for posting about your problems with Gran. It's a reminder to all of us grans who provide childcare on a regular basis, not to overstep the boundaries and make a nuisance of ourselves when we are not actually required. I'll certainly be keeping it in my mind.

There are many helpful comments in the previous postings; the one about getting vertical blinds fitted is a good one. The blinds can be tilted so that you still have plenty of light in the room but anyone peering in from outside can't actually see into the room. I finally had to do this last year as my 90 year old gentleman neighbour kept turning up 'for a chat' just when I was about to go to pick up kids from school. He was very difficult to get rid of so I can sympathise. Maybe he finally got the message as he has now moved away.

On a different note, I wonder if your midwife could also be persuaded to speak to your gran about curtailing her visiting on the grounds of your present health. As a previous poster mentioned, your gran might be more inclined to listen to someone in authority. The midwife's previous comment about setting boundaries was not at all helpful to you.

I'll be keeping you in my prayers and hope that you'll be able to come online again here and let us all know how things are going. Very best wishes.

I feel sorry for you - between a rock and a hard place. After your baby is born you will probably be glad of some extra help with your toddler - so don't push her away altogether . Just be firm and tell her which days she can come round and say you are planning to go to toddlers cor a friend's house sometimes so you can't be sure you will be in. You must take a bit if control now. I agree that your husband can have some input too. Men don't like conflict so good luck with that though!!

I went through something like this with a neighbour who would just arrive (with her own cup of coffee) and stay for hours. I ended up resorting to sitting upstairs with the door locked until she'd gone but this was 35 years ago so times have changed. Hard as it is I think you need to tell her you're 6 months pregnant and don't need the constant uncertainty of when she is coming - could she please text/phone you in advance so you can plan your day and also your son can have his rest too. When/if she does let you know you're terribly sorry but you have a dental/dcctor's appointment/have a tummy bug and don't want her to get it/need to go to the shops - anything to stop the routine. She does sound very domineering and the whole situation would drive me mad. I would also invest in some vertical blinds at your patio door which are shut when you're not available and a lock on the gate with a digital keypad! Good luck!

Have you talked to your daughters about how you feel? Could you enlist their help? Maybe by not letting her in and saying something like "Sorry, you can't come in, mum's having a well earned rest."?
I'm sorry you're having to endure this. I wish you all the best

I hope you can get this sorted, your pregnancy and health are most important.

Hmmmm... it would be interesting if she came round when the midwife was there.....

You have to tell her outright that you love her and appreciate that she likes to vibist but that she comes round too often and you need privacy and space . If she gets annoyed or angry and still comes round I simply would not open the door if she can see me or not. My mother in law was given a key by my husband and used to let herself in. I told her not to and she ignored me so I locked my door from the inside and never answered it. I made my point and my husband had to get the key back. She said she had to make an appointment to see us. Yes. That's right. At MY convenience. I'm MY home my sanctuary. Or move away!!

The advise I was given at work when dealing with difficult clients, which you probably already knows :-

Don't lose your temper and remember the stuck record rule. Work out what you're going to say as briefly as possible. Keep it simple, let her have a rant, repeat it. Silence is very powerful too. When she's expecting you to rant back at her, don't. Stay silent. Take a deep breath and repeat the same statements again. If you can be standing while she's sitting it also puts you in a position of power. Didn't you say you have teenage daughters? You are invincible!

Good luck! Do post again and let us know how you get on!

She has been like this with everyone, she has two daughters that have our kids each and each one of them have at very least one child.. Everyone else either has nothing to do with her or very little, her behaviour isn't new it's just became more unbearable because for the last year and a half I've not been working so I'm available to her.. I did wonder about her medically but she has all her marbles and tells me what she's done to annoy someone else.. I spoke to my midwife who told me to set the boundary.. I definitely feel like I can now, I just needed some people to tell me that it wasn't normal.. I didn't have a normal childhood so now and then I have nothing to relate to.. You guys have really helped and I genuinely can't thank you all enough xx

Lots of good advice for you from GN. I am wondering if your gran has always been like this,not just with you but other members of your family. Is there no one else in your immediate family that you can confide in and get them to give you some moral support. Your gran could have signs of early dementia which can cause all kinds of disruptive/inappropriate behaviour, sometimes quite embarrassing. I wonder if you have a community nurse who you can confide this to...all this worry is not good for your pregnancy. If you can confide this to your midwife or community nurse they may be able to advise you and find a discreet way to encourage her to have an annual health check.

She sounds a right pain in the backside maybe lonely, or dare I say it getting 'senile'? That is not an excuse for the way she behaves towards you.
Does she have a son or a daughter? then inform them of her behaviour and ask them to deal with her. Maybe they have had what your having and fed up with her. So keep your door locked and curtains drawn until she gets the message. Not pleasant but its you or her and it is your house.

Strawberrinan it wouldn't even happen as I like many others give off the impression that it wouldn't be acceptable and I'd have no problems saying so.. Someone hit it on the head, I've been brainwashed to believe I'm in debt to her and that I shouldn't dare to question her.. I actually do confront her about her behaviours to other people but she tells me to stop being stupid or tells me such and such thinks she shouldn't have me talking to her like that xx

Take age out of the equation given that you say she's in perfect health. She sounds like an awful person. Can't you just be straight with her? Imagine she was younger, unrelated and a "friend". What would you say to a friend arriving unannounced every day who read your mail and looked at your phone?

Yes, don't tell her which neighbour has the key, or she'll be round there telling them that you said she could get it from them!

First, please don't get angry.......once that happens you have lost the battle you need to stay completely calm you speak very quietly, but firmly and you don't waver from your rules
Secondly very, very important it would be better to have this conversation BEFORE she enters the house because once she's in you re on a back foot immediately

Write or text or phone and tell her what day time to come over if you wait until she walks in you have already lost the first control .....round one to her

A lot of good advice to choose from here, Thistlerose.

Ask yourself "Whose needs are more important?" Yours or hers?

If the answer is yours, you must be prepared for a confrontation because your Gran sounds like a bully. She has sensed your weakness and that is what bullies exploit.

You have more power than you think because bullies also hate confrontations. They simply don't expect their victims to confront them and can't handle it.

Prepare a script and if necessary, phone her and read it out with feeling so she won't know you've written it all down. You could say something like -

"Hello Gran. I'm ringing to let you know that I don't want you to visit me every day anymore. I know this will disappoint you but that's how I feel. I'm sure you will respect my wishes and when I feel up to another visit from you, I will let you know."

You don't have to give reasons that she can ridicule or pick apart. If asked the reason, just say something vague like "That's the way I feel." Similarly, if asked when she can visit again, just say you'll ring her and let her know but don't commit yourself to even a once a week visit.

Br prepared for a torrent of manipulative comments ("I'm your grandmother or have you forgotten? or "After all I've done for you" or "It's not fair to stop me from seeing my grandson" etc.

Also be prepared for her to ignore you. As NfKDumpling suggests - a back gate with sliding bolts on the inside?

She sounds very much like my mother used to be,I've moved away now so don't have the problem,but that wasn't the reason for the move I hasten to add!

I would probably start off gently by shutting her down so to speak, as in locking away things you don't want her to see. Keep your phone on you at all times and just tell her no, it's yours and it's private.The next thing I'd do is get a hasp and staple style catch fitted to the back gate that you fit a padlock to & can keep locked so she can't get in. Tell her it's for security purposes (I used to have a tall gate that was always locked my my children were small, I still keep it locked now, it's not so unusual these days) and leave it at that, if she asks for a key,just say no as padlocks don't usually come with more than 2 keys and you're keeping a spare with a neighbour (don't say who) just in case of emergencies.
Good luck no matter how much you love them rellies can be hard work at times x

Thistlerose. Keep your chin up girl. My mother too was like this. I was so scared of her. But because I didn't want her controlling my children as she did me. I asked her to leave my house, ( she had her own flat but insisted on staying with me. At the time I was divorcing my childrens dad.) I found it a huge relief to get her out of my house. You will find that strength otherwise she will control every aspect of your life. For your children's sake take heart. It will be so liberating. Good luck. Xxx

What a terrible situation, others say go out for the day etc. but why should you have to leave your own home because Gran insists on visiting on a daily basis.Maybe it would be best to say you dont want her to visit so often as you are very busy, with a young baby, and two other children and havent got time just to talk, etc suggest as many others have said, a special day when you have time to have her round.
If she is offended it is sad, but your health must come first, you need time with your Family.Good Luck

Thank you so much.. I will update you all on the drama as it unfolds, I'm expecting the dreaded silence which I plan to just enjoy x

Thistlerose - it's so good to see your increased determination to end this situation. I was always told that being old does not mean that you can do anything you like - unless you're prepared for the consequences.

Do let us know how you get on. We can keep you motivated!