Asking prospective FILs permission

I would have felt mortally insulted if DH had felt a need to ask for my fathers approval (aka: consent/permission). The marriage would have been off. Even 50 years ago, I would not countenance being so humiliated.

No matter how you do it is isn't even a'nice gensture'. It is an egregious act of patriarchy that seems to survive because people think it cute.

As a single mother, I wasn't asked by SIL but I know my brothers two SIL-to-be's asked him before the proposals.
Definitely not a necessity but it's a nice touch!

I would have been very surprised if SiL had spoken the DH about marrying DD, though they came round straight away once they had become 'engaged'. They had owned a joint home for several years and had a year old child
I think it is an odd thing to do in today's climate/ society as it harks back to the arranged marriages to secure income/land etc. But id DDs don't mind then no harm done I suppose!

My mother in law was Danish and my own 4 year old granddaughter was highly amused when I told her if I had been Danish (as the mother of her father) I would have been famor (pronounced "fartmore" )

Sorry - wrong thread!!

my son in law asked me if i'd mind him asking my daughter to marry him. i told him i wouldn't mind and they got married several months later.
unfortunately the marriage didn't last and, apart from two fantastic grandaughters, i rather wish i'd said i did mind!!

Gone are the days when the bridegroom was expected to 'ask for the hand' of the woman. No man owns a woman she is her own person, and so it should be. However, if you say something like 'we would like to get married, and we would like your blessing' that is not quite the same thing. It might be dropped altogether after another generation because women have minds of their own these days. I used to HATE that phrase 'who gives this woman to this man' as if she was someone's property.

My niece's partner went to ask my brother for her hand in marriage although they had been together years and had two little ones. My brother didn't dare say anything to his wife because he knew she couldn't keep a secret. Partner then gave her a Valentines card with Happy Valentine's day to my fiancee and my niece still didn't twig until he produced the ring. Sadly my brother died last year so won't be at the wedding this year. She is going to have my late mother's wedding ring as her wedding ring. I am coming to England with it next month with it so it can be resized if necessary.

No matter how you do it is isn't even a'nice gensture'. It is an egregious act of patriarchy that seems to survive because people think it cute



Feel free to insult my SIL (and any other DSs or SILs) why don't you, "egregious" and "patriarchy" are fine words, but at least spell "gesture" right if you must.

It WAS a nice gesture, it WAS appreciated and the marriage with 3 enchanting DGCs continues a happy and equitable one.

Not necessary but a nice touch. Our future SIL phoned DH to ask before he proposed to DD. He planned the proposal for when they were away for the weekend for him to compete in the finals of a talent contest. He sang Sweet Caroline (her name) and got down on one knee during the song. All that day I kept getting texts from him asking if I was sure she would say yes. He's a real softy, can't wait to hear his wedding vows 6 weeks today.

My son in Canada rang me one day to say he had bought a ring his gf had admired on someone else....they were together 10 years...asked me how to approach her parents and then how to propose to her....took her away to a fab destination...both sets of parents waiting here at 3 in the morning for the news...he was worried she would say no....phones rang at same time....oh dad I am getting married.....mine oh mam she said yes....her parents were thrilled to be asked ...we were delighted to be in on the secret....lots of champagne and a lovely memory!!

I seem to be among the few who totally disagree with this,its out of date...thank god.As is being given away at the wedding.....lovely to have your dad walk you towards your new life down the aisle but not for the celebrant to ask who gives this woman to this man .I dont believe any adult should have to ask pemission for anything ...happy for my husband to include me in his choices but he doesn't have to ask IF he can do something...and nor do I .

I've only read the first three posts so far. I don't think it's a nice thing to do at all. I regard it as patronising towards women. I wonder if those who think it's nice would think a woman asking permission of the mother of her 'intended' for his hand in marriage is also 'nice'? I know that's not traditional but in this case I think the tradition of asking permission of a father to propose to his daughter is paternalistic and really rather silly in this day and age. More than silly; it's rude to the woman.

Just scanned a bit more of the thread and am pleased to see that Monica has said something similar.

Cheers, paddyann and pen too.

DH did ask my father's permission. My father said sometime later that he was pleased to be asked. He was rather old fashioned about such courtesies. As I was a servicewoman at the time, I also had to get permission from my CO to get married as I was under 21. My son asked his prospective father in law also, although it was not expected of him.

Women are no longer chattels to be given by one man (father) to another (husband). So no let there be no pretence about asking 'permission'. HoweverI think it's good manners to tell parents first before they hear it from elsewhere.

I agree with that, nemos. It's what we did: we announced that we had got engaged to our parents before we told anyone else.

I suppose she then filled her bottom drawer and Dad produced a Dowery ? How old fashioned

Each to his own but we were all very happy how this was handled by our son....even though they were 8000 miles away we all got to share their happiness..

BBevan SiLver?

If my DH had done this (34 years ago) then I think I would have changed my mind about marrying him! (In my view it's dreadfully outdated, but each to their own...) Surely the important thing is that the prospective bride should be consulted before her dad is "asked"?

David absolutely right! Awful to ask a parent if it is OK to marry their daughter if the daughter has no inkling that an engagement/marriage is an option!!

I think it is far nicer for the couple who plan to marry to go together to meet parents (both lots!) to tell them of their plans!

None of my Husbands asked my DF although in the case of numbers 2 & 3 this would have been difficult as DF died soon after I married No 1

I don't think we gave it any thought, with numbers 2 & 3 I was a divorcee, I was my own woman.

I believe it's up to each individual but agree it is a nice gesture to inform prospective FiL of intention to propose to DD.

Don't be daft! Permission was not sought with the prospective bride having no inkling!
It was a light-hearted nod to an old tradition.
They'd all been living together and sharing motgages! Marriage had been well and truly discussed and it was simply a way of telling her parents before 'the big announcement' and setting the date.
Goods n chattels, dowries n bottom drawers were never part of their arrangements.
Lighten up!

Agree. While it's not and never has been necessary, it is a nice gesture and will be much appreciated by the parents. My daughters father wasn't in her life but her fiance did ask me and I thought it was lovely and quite romantic