An past hurt

A mother's loyalties are to her children. As we become the older generation we have to work out how to develop reciprocation between our friends. I can still drive so offer to bring them home from a hospital appointment or a class or what ever. I do not take people to places. I feel that from time to time we have to use taxis.

I appreciate that being burgled when you are alone and then having a panic attack is dreadful and if it still worries you I would have 2 or 3 sessions of counselling by a Human Givens Counselor www.hgi.org.uk/find-therapist
The fact that this lack of attention by your daughter still concerns you means that the trauma is not fully put to bed. I am sure the counselor would be able to help and then you will be free to anjoy your family and your life.

Good luck.

It seems to be the norm for kids to hurt their parents and they don't realise until their kids are adults and it happens to them. Nothing like your situation Cathy but when my son (an only child) left home, I physically grieved for him, he was the first thing I thought about on a morning, wondering if he was ok? and the last thing I thought about at night. I would even text him to tell him goodnight. After about two weeks he texted me and told me he was grown up now and didn't need a mother anymore, it was like a stab in the gut. I stopped texting him and waited for him to make the first move even though it killed me. It was probably worse for me because we were in another country. After we came back to the UK I never said anything but it still cuts deep. We were close before he left home, we had a special bond and now, even though we chat regularly something has been lost. Maybe it's me who has distanced myself emotionally? Maybe both of us? Maybe it wouldn't have hurt sop much had he not been an only child? or maybe like everyone else said, it's part of being a mother?

Cathy
So sorry for how your daughter has behaved but I can identify with you as I had in the past received similar treatment from my eldest daughter.
Six years ago I tended to let my feelings get the better of me and we exchanged harsh words over the phone.Since then I have not heard from her let alone see her.
You are fortunate that you are still in touch with your daughter. I do not know where or how my eldest is.
Can you not let it drop? She has her own children to look after. They must come first.

I'm sorry as well, when our children get married their loyalties change and I sometimes think we don't realise just how much this is going to happen. Some of them take 'forsaking all others' rather literally. You aren't in that position as you seem to be close to your daughter and see the grandchildren its perhaps a pity you didn't ask at the time if there had been a phone problem but its too late now. Probably there was a perfectly rational (to them) explanation to what happened. You have coped so well make the most of the time you have with the family

I have a friend who does everything for her two daughters. She looks after 4 grandchildren regularly, ferries the whole family around, helps them clean their houses, pays for their holidays and her husband helps the daughters by doing DIY, gardening etc. I met her and her daughter this week. My friend had had a terrible week as her sister had been diagnosed with cancer. The way her daughter spoke to her at one point was appalling.
My friend looked crushed and didn't retaliate. Whatever happened to honour thy father and thy mother.

I am sorry. How horrible. However, letting go is easier said than done. I do think you have to express your feelings, but not to her. Write it all down, or draw cartoons of what happened, whatever you're comfortable with, just a way of expressing it all. Whenever I've done that I let it sit for a while and generally find that 24 hours later something in me shifts. Good luck.

Dear Cathy1, I agree with those who say about children's busy lives and we do not know what goes on between couples. It could be that because the family were out together, she felt she couldn't "break the day" and leave her husband with the children. It must have been so hard for you. Another thing is - that I believe our children often see us as the strong one, who can cope with all situations! This we did when they were young. Mums cope and they don't realise we get old (unfortunately!) and ill and worried - we are only human! Try and put this out of your mind, you coped, you were strong and carry on enjoying your grandchildren!

I've struggled with a similar situation myself but I've concluded that there's no point dragging up the past and it can only cause more stress. Best to try to set it aside and get on with life. Give her the benefit of the doubt if you have a good relationship otherwise, and enjoy the family. We only have this moment in time.

If my mother brought up every time when I have been thoughtless or not realised that she needed a bit of support or practical help she would probably never speak to me again. She does have a bit of a martyr syndrome and I did have to tell her off for not telling us when she was in hospital. She said that she was sure we would be told if 'anything happened' meaning that she had died. I said it would be a bit late then.
I think letting things go is part of being a mother.

Looking back on the years when I had three youngsters and a very busy life, I can see times when I didn't act with as much thoughtfulness as my wonderful mother deserved. But any failings on my part were never intentional and I think my dear Mum understood the pressures I was under. If you have a close relationship with your daughter then enjoy the present enjoyable times you have with her and your grandchildren. To be bothered by something from two years ago now may perhaps be a symptom of your feeling low or depressed about other things going on in your life, so maybe a talk to your GP may help.

I think I would ask her if she was ok. Sounds as though she might have been having problems of her own. Is her husband controlling? If she was desperate to see you, her husband may have complained about her wanting to abandon her own family and spoil the day out. Not experienced this myself, but have seen it second hand. Give her a break but keep in touch and ask how she is, don't wait for her to get in touch, she may be waiting for her Mum to be there for her

Hello Cathy1. Good morning! 'Fraid I'm with the majority here in that I definitely would let it go. However......that is much easier said than done and it seems that you have been nurturing the grievance blow by blow for two years now. Very understandable BUT not at all helpful for your dear self. My guess is your daughter won't be giving that time a second thought and will probably be glad you all came through it with minimum upheaval (for her). It must have been AWFUL for you and well done for dealing with it physically. Soldier on dear lady. That was then and this is now. Even if you can't forget, try stuffing it away into a far corner in the recesses of your mind.

I so know what you mean. It took years of pain for me to realise that your children can never love you as much as you love them.

Although I agree with what has already been written here I'm wondering whether your daughter was so afraid of losing you that she was trying to distance herself from it. It's no excuse for not sending a text etc but I know that at times of stress I tend to withdraw into myself.

Whilst I agree with the sentiments above to 'let it go' this seems to be something you've found difficult to do so far. It might be useful to discuss this with a therapist who will help you work through your feelings. You can access a Psychological Wellbeing Practitioner (PWP) through your GP on the NHS. There might be a waiting list but I think you may find it really helpful. I have recently retired as a PWP and have helped many people with similar issues. Good luck!

It does, indeed, seem as if your daughter did not rise to the challenge and I can understand your being upset. However, people do not always respond well to having their behaviour questioned and it is even worse when they know they are in the wrong as they cannot and will not acknowledge this.

I should try to take comfort from what others have said. it may well be that your daughter mistook how serious the situation was. On the other hand, she might have understood perfectly well but was so panicked and distressed that she subconsciously resisted the knowledge. Young people with families are incredibly busy today in a way that we with our parents' hands-off parenting were not and she might literally have been unable to come to you.

Since you did not say anything at the time as you were distressed and unable to I should not bring it up now after time has lapsed. However, it might well be appropriate, should anything similar arise again, to ask tactfully about the situation as it happens.

I sympathise immensely with your feelings. Our children have such power to hurt us, do they not? We are the generation who did everything for our parents while our children do not always feel the same way.

Cathy. It's so hurtful. It takes seconds to send a text. No excuse for your daughter really but if things are going ok now. Don't let it eat away at you. If there is ever a natural opening for you to mention it. Do but there are many grans estranged from their children. So you know your daughter best. But beware.

I know that I tend to dwell on things, so I can understand. My daughter didn't come to see me in hospital when I was in danger of dying, but that's the way she is and I try not to let it upset me. Your daughter may have had things going on in her life that she didn't want to burden you with when she knew you were fragile, or she may be like mine, thoughtless, but not deliberately. It's in the past. Enjoy your relationship with her and her family as it is today and don't upset yourself any further.

I so agree that you must let it go. Nothing is likely to improve if you try to get to the bottom of it and the likelihood is that it will cause a huge rift. I have had to just block out a difficult time in a relationship with one of my offspring. We are getting on fine now and I have glad to be able to leave the pain behind, and enjoy the present/future.

The young are generally self centred. I was thinking just this morning that I did little to support my mother when my father had his first huge stroke. We lived 70 miles away, I had no car, I was pregnant, I had a poor relationship with my mother, my father's stroke-induced anger scared me, so I told myself I was justified in more or less leaving her to it, which shames me now.

I would personally let this go. Even if your daughter were to apologise, I don't think it would make you feel much better about her lack of response to you two years ago. I don't think it would be a case of 'sorry, mum,' and then you could put it all behind you. As others have said, parents are just so busy these days, often with very little spare time from their work, household chores and childcare, and parents can sometimes get put into the background, especially if a crisis seems to have been dealt with. Your daughter probably did not realise just how badly you were hurting at that point. It must have been very hard for you at the time, but try to move on if you can and enjoy the relationship you presently have with your daughter and grandchildren.

I have had a few similar experiences with people I love, letting me go it alone, when I could have done with support, it certainly does smart. Perhaps your daughter was relived to know that you had not been having heart attack or stroke and just assumed you would be fine to go home alone. She knew you had at least one good neighbour.

Too late now to have a re hash as she won't be able to recapture the way she felt on the day as you clearly can.

Maybe a general chat about how you feel you are getting on a bit and what might help if you were to be taken ill..........that could re assure you for the future and give her a template for what you would like without raking over old coals.

I have had a similar hospital experience thing, and when my dad was dying,the DS girl friend was going to take me to the hospital in her car but instead sat typing her Uni homework (non urgent) she is going to be a therapist and how I was feeling totally escaped her, in her mission to get good marks.

Once when major flooding hit our home and we were let with nothing, my lovely dad, who had a home he owned standing empty, sent us a fiver for ice creams and nothing else.........people dont always get it when you are having a disaster.

They still love you.

I know at the time you were a bit fragile and not up to a discussion that could become a row. However, I think two years later you've left it too late. Maybe at the time your daughter was going through a bad time herself. As you were unwell she didnt want to add this to your list. Leave it for now, but if it happens again then you must.

Let it go. My DIL tends not to let things go, and it just sours the ongoing relationship

Yes, I agree, let it go, try not to 'ponder' on it. It was hurtful, but surely not intended, if you think that way, perhaps it will be easier for you to come to terms after all this time. My daughter is often thoughtless, in my opinion, but then looking back, I was probably the same on occasions when we were in the throes of something, and completely forgot about our parents.

It does seem very uncaring of your daughter Cathy and must have upset you
It is strange that this incident has never been mentioned either. Given the time lapse it's best to let it go now and enjoy time with your family.