An past hurt

I've struggled with a similar situation myself but I've concluded that there's no point dragging up the past and it can only cause more stress. Best to try to set it aside and get on with life. Give her the benefit of the doubt if you have a good relationship otherwise, and enjoy the family. We only have this moment in time.

Dear Cathy1, I agree with those who say about children's busy lives and we do not know what goes on between couples. It could be that because the family were out together, she felt she couldn't "break the day" and leave her husband with the children. It must have been so hard for you. Another thing is - that I believe our children often see us as the strong one, who can cope with all situations! This we did when they were young. Mums cope and they don't realise we get old (unfortunately!) and ill and worried - we are only human! Try and put this out of your mind, you coped, you were strong and carry on enjoying your grandchildren!

I am sorry. How horrible. However, letting go is easier said than done. I do think you have to express your feelings, but not to her. Write it all down, or draw cartoons of what happened, whatever you're comfortable with, just a way of expressing it all. Whenever I've done that I let it sit for a while and generally find that 24 hours later something in me shifts. Good luck.

I have a friend who does everything for her two daughters. She looks after 4 grandchildren regularly, ferries the whole family around, helps them clean their houses, pays for their holidays and her husband helps the daughters by doing DIY, gardening etc. I met her and her daughter this week. My friend had had a terrible week as her sister had been diagnosed with cancer. The way her daughter spoke to her at one point was appalling.
My friend looked crushed and didn't retaliate. Whatever happened to honour thy father and thy mother.

I'm sorry as well, when our children get married their loyalties change and I sometimes think we don't realise just how much this is going to happen. Some of them take 'forsaking all others' rather literally. You aren't in that position as you seem to be close to your daughter and see the grandchildren its perhaps a pity you didn't ask at the time if there had been a phone problem but its too late now. Probably there was a perfectly rational (to them) explanation to what happened. You have coped so well make the most of the time you have with the family

Cathy
So sorry for how your daughter has behaved but I can identify with you as I had in the past received similar treatment from my eldest daughter.
Six years ago I tended to let my feelings get the better of me and we exchanged harsh words over the phone.Since then I have not heard from her let alone see her.
You are fortunate that you are still in touch with your daughter. I do not know where or how my eldest is.
Can you not let it drop? She has her own children to look after. They must come first.

It seems to be the norm for kids to hurt their parents and they don't realise until their kids are adults and it happens to them. Nothing like your situation Cathy but when my son (an only child) left home, I physically grieved for him, he was the first thing I thought about on a morning, wondering if he was ok? and the last thing I thought about at night. I would even text him to tell him goodnight. After about two weeks he texted me and told me he was grown up now and didn't need a mother anymore, it was like a stab in the gut. I stopped texting him and waited for him to make the first move even though it killed me. It was probably worse for me because we were in another country. After we came back to the UK I never said anything but it still cuts deep. We were close before he left home, we had a special bond and now, even though we chat regularly something has been lost. Maybe it's me who has distanced myself emotionally? Maybe both of us? Maybe it wouldn't have hurt sop much had he not been an only child? or maybe like everyone else said, it's part of being a mother?

A mother's loyalties are to her children. As we become the older generation we have to work out how to develop reciprocation between our friends. I can still drive so offer to bring them home from a hospital appointment or a class or what ever. I do not take people to places. I feel that from time to time we have to use taxis.

I appreciate that being burgled when you are alone and then having a panic attack is dreadful and if it still worries you I would have 2 or 3 sessions of counselling by a Human Givens Counselor www.hgi.org.uk/find-therapist
The fact that this lack of attention by your daughter still concerns you means that the trauma is not fully put to bed. I am sure the counselor would be able to help and then you will be free to anjoy your family and your life.

Good luck.

Just a thought texting is not always adequate to explain situations I would phone, I wonder if your lovely neighbour did too good a job in explaining what was going on.

Great post Lilyflower and I totally agree.
Yes, let it go this time, but if something similar happens again, tell your DD that you need her support.Unless she is physically a long way away from you,or ill herself, any other reason for not helping you just doesn't cut the mustard!

Cathy1. Some very good advice on here. I would agree with the others who say that you have to move on from this. You obviously feel very aggrieved about what happened but it was two years ago and I just wonder if you might think about speaking to someone about this. Your doctor could recommend someone I'm sure like a councillor.!. You've let it fester away but you say that you have an ok relationship with your daughter and that you look after your DC which is lovely. You really do not want to rock the boat and risk falling out. Our children's lives are so different to how ours were, it's all so frantic now!.
Forgive and forget as they say but please do not go there.

Yeah I think there was something going on for her right then that she didn't think appropriate to explain to you. She's been fine before and since, right? It might even have been a health scare of her own!

I agree that you need to move on, don't revisit the past.
However, I sat down today to start on my power of attorney on line. As your daughter showed herself 'not up to the job' when you needed her last time perhaps a conversation along the lines of your future needs and her part in dealing with them could be a good idea.

When we were quite newly married, I was somewhat taken aback when my (medical practitioner) husband said, apropos of very little ' Remember we are always on our own' Very strange, I thought but since then it has proved most useful. You can't in any way always account for other people's activities. I have tried since to be absolutely self reliant, where possible. I have found great inner resources

My mother is now frequently in hospital for various complaints. When she first started to being admitted, I used to rush up, make sure she had everything and make myself available to take her home at the drop of a hat.

It's no longer possible for me to do that - it's too stressful and I have my own family to look after.

There is an ambulance service available (in Wales, anyway) which escorts people home, and the ambulance staff see you into your home to make sure you are safe.

Perhaps your daughter is feeling stressed about it too, and it's not always possible to just drop eveything to be on hand when needed. There may be pressures she is under herself, which you are not aware of.

I think you need to cut your daughter some slack and accept that at that time it was not possible for her to meet your expectations.

I learnt quite a while ago not to have expectations from my two sons, thus avoiding disappointment. Then if they are thoughtful or kind it makes me very happy. Positive thinking? Or maybe some would say negative .... It works for me though!

Years ago, I had a minor op that went wrong and I ended up haemorrhaging , being wrapped up in tin foil ( or what felt like it) and nearly bled to death. My mum rang to say she would have visited but she was traumatised packing to go to her house in Spain. I was deeply hurt at the time but I had my lovely husband to support me. Years later It still niggles but I would never bring it up as it would only cause hurt and upset all around. I realise that she is very self centred but that is just how she is. Lovely in lots of ways but life has always centred round her and my dad. Nothing will ever change her and she would be so upset if she realised how hurt I was at the time so why cause upset now? Sometimes you just have to move on.

Unless they're facing a serious illness themselves, many healthy young adults seem to be relatively carefree when it comes to health issues. Most can't empathize with an elderly person's plight until they reach mid life and are forced to face their own health related fears and worries first hand.

Forgive and forget what happened two years ago....you were fortunate that time. Going forward however, you want to avoid being put in a similar situation and to be prepared if the outcome turned out to be a more serious one.

I would have a quiet, non confrontational talk with your daughter (perhaps include the son in law) about important decisions to consider because you are not getting any younger and in the future you want to avoid a bad situation from becoming even worse for you and everyone involved.

You have certain legal issues and decisions to make regarding things like Long Term Care, Power of Attorney, Living Will (End of Life directive) and even organ donation If anything, a conversation like this alone should be a wake up call for an otherwise complacent daughter.

Cathy 1 I think that as you didn't ask about it at the time it is best to leave it now and try to move on from the hurt. . I think the way forward is just as willa45 describes ...look ahead and think about that important decision making so that your loved ones know your wishes and preferences. There is quite a lot of help out there with this sort of thing too to help you with decision making too if you want it.

Thank you everybody. Such sound advice and also some food for thought for me.
Thanks.

Let it go, Cathy - just let it go. There is nothing at all to be gained by bringing it up. And it is not helping you to dwell on it.

It`s much too late for you bring the matter up with your daughter now- forget it, you`'ve been stewing over this for too long.

Sometimes we just have to let go and let the emotions ebb away like the tide.

If you don't know it, do find the poem - 'She let go' by Ernest Holmes and read the whole thing. Here is the beginning:

She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the 'right' reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn't ask anyone for advice. She didn't read a book on how to let go... She didn't search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

Here is the ending:

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore."

- Ernest Holmes

Wishing you a happier time very soon.

Thats hurtful and I really feel for you. I was seriously ill some years ago and spent 6 weeks in hospital. My DH and DS came to see me every day but my DD never came to see me once. She was 19 and lived at home but was too busy with her boyfriend. I was so hurt but I never mentioned it. Whilst this was happening my DH was trying to work, look after our young son and do everything else. It came out years later that she never even washed a dish. Her reason, she is selfish, still is. It won't change what happened to raise this with you DD and in fact you may feel worse if she gets annoyed. Try not to dwell on it and just think of the positives. Beautiful GC in your life. I wish you well xx

I think your daughter may have conveniently taken you literally when you gave her text bulletins informing her you were alright.