Son in Law problems

I had a rather different situation but none the less awful....
Daughter got rather close to another man but nothing happened just lots of texting, told me far too much about it, worried me to death and the next day I had SIL at the house in tears and desperate, asking my advice on what to do. I was stuck in the middle!! SIL was not sure, he just had an idea daughter was infatuated with someone else. I'm afraid to say I just played ignorant, pretended I knew nothing and told him not to worry etc. He was imagining things. Didn't know what else to do. Daughter got a right bo**ocking after from me. Told her to make a decision and not hurt SIL. It's blown over now, phew ! Nothing came of it, but have told daughter not to tell me anything else, but then again I want her to know she can discuss problems with me. It's such a horrible situation to be in and I was not prepared for it.

I didn't get a chance to read all the posts, but I do agree with a few of them here. It was highly unfair of SIL to put you and your husband in the middle of their conflict. He probably expected you to sympathize with him because it was your daughter who misbehaved.

I would let them sort it out, give them some space and above everything else stick to MOTHER IN LAW Rule NO 1 which is no matter what happens.... STAY OUT OF IT!

Going forward, you can say something to the effect that you hate listening to marital spats and that you won't take sides because they're a couple and you love them both. If either one of them is looking for advice, recommend a marriage counselor.

Apologies...I re read your post and now realize that you and your husband are also estranged from your SIL because of what happened.
The only thing you can do at this point is let time do the healing. He'll come around...he loves your daughter and he's hurt and angry. it's easier to stay mad at you (which is why you shouldn't have taken sides) but he won't stay mad forever. I get why you're upset...I would be too. Give it some time and do let us know what happens.
Best Willa

Nannyknee similar situation to mine. My D& s.i.l had a huge argument whilst I & my other D were on holiday, we came back to help. D stayed with me, whilst I tried to mediate and get them back together. This worked, but I and gradually the rest of my D birth family were cut out. Haven't seen my beloved D& GC for more than 4yrs now GD not even his child!
Only thing to do is keep quiet and hope he will come round, best if other family members stay in your D's life, otherwise you will have no news of how she is, as is in my case. I have only read a few replies, so are you still seeing your D and are there GC? Best of luck

Should have said, it all started with s.i.l not talking to me and running up the stairs when I visited....then on to estrangement, so be careful! I didn't say anything adverse to him, in fact 'bigged him up' saying he was a good dad & husband, but his true colours were about to emerged!!

I think FarNorth has the right idea - tell dd she needs to cut back on what she confides in you. If she's having such serious problems, she needs to get into counseling anyway.

Buddly, I agree that it's hard to strike a balance between being there for our AC and not letting them draw us too far into their problems. But, IMO, you handled your situation very wisely. Good on you!

I'm the MIL in the exact same situation. My DIL had an affair in the 4 months of the run up to, during and after their marriage. Her parents are affronted by her and, regardless of my DS's flaws, have been incredibly supportive of him (and me) while obviously struggling to believe their DD was capable of such a thing. I personally said my piece to my DIL at the beginning of the discovery and just keep a very uncomplicated relationship with her as my DGC have stayed with her. It's a very sensitive situation and I think you've been foolish to make your SIL feel unsupported. While she is your daughter she's done a dreadful thing. As with the other contributors I agree just to keep a low profile and I would go so far to ask your SIL if he would accept your apologies for not making him feel supported enough. I feel so sorry for you because our lives have been destroyed by the break up of my DS's marriage and I can imagine what you are going through.

Kazlau-what an awful situation for you !! I can really understand how it's ruined your life. I couldn't believe how my daughters situation bothered me, I was shocked how much it affected me and my husband, it took over our life. No- one prepares you for these problems especially at a time in life when you presume things are getting more settled.

It's a difficult situation but overstating the case to say it's ruined your life. Our adult children will have problems and need to overcome them, we can help if needed but otherwise we need to get on with our own lives.

Nannyknee, you posted. My problem is she tells us too much and I get defensive for her, she needs to keep things to herself.

Your DD tells you her side of the story, you side with your DD and tell her your opinion and she then tells your SIL what you have said. It is no wonder he does not want to speak to you.

You are not alone, it appears many posters would agree only with their DC and have no empathy at all for their SIL or DIL. It is no wonder many people don't like spending time with their MILs.