Son in Law problems

Nannyknee, you posted. My problem is she tells us too much and I get defensive for her, she needs to keep things to herself.

Your DD tells you her side of the story, you side with your DD and tell her your opinion and she then tells your SIL what you have said. It is no wonder he does not want to speak to you.

You are not alone, it appears many posters would agree only with their DC and have no empathy at all for their SIL or DIL. It is no wonder many people don't like spending time with their MILs.

It's a difficult situation but overstating the case to say it's ruined your life. Our adult children will have problems and need to overcome them, we can help if needed but otherwise we need to get on with our own lives.

Kazlau-what an awful situation for you !! I can really understand how it's ruined your life. I couldn't believe how my daughters situation bothered me, I was shocked how much it affected me and my husband, it took over our life. No- one prepares you for these problems especially at a time in life when you presume things are getting more settled.

I'm the MIL in the exact same situation. My DIL had an affair in the 4 months of the run up to, during and after their marriage. Her parents are affronted by her and, regardless of my DS's flaws, have been incredibly supportive of him (and me) while obviously struggling to believe their DD was capable of such a thing. I personally said my piece to my DIL at the beginning of the discovery and just keep a very uncomplicated relationship with her as my DGC have stayed with her. It's a very sensitive situation and I think you've been foolish to make your SIL feel unsupported. While she is your daughter she's done a dreadful thing. As with the other contributors I agree just to keep a low profile and I would go so far to ask your SIL if he would accept your apologies for not making him feel supported enough. I feel so sorry for you because our lives have been destroyed by the break up of my DS's marriage and I can imagine what you are going through.

I think FarNorth has the right idea - tell dd she needs to cut back on what she confides in you. If she's having such serious problems, she needs to get into counseling anyway.

Buddly, I agree that it's hard to strike a balance between being there for our AC and not letting them draw us too far into their problems. But, IMO, you handled your situation very wisely. Good on you!

Should have said, it all started with s.i.l not talking to me and running up the stairs when I visited....then on to estrangement, so be careful! I didn't say anything adverse to him, in fact 'bigged him up' saying he was a good dad & husband, but his true colours were about to emerged!!

Nannyknee similar situation to mine. My D& s.i.l had a huge argument whilst I & my other D were on holiday, we came back to help. D stayed with me, whilst I tried to mediate and get them back together. This worked, but I and gradually the rest of my D birth family were cut out. Haven't seen my beloved D& GC for more than 4yrs now GD not even his child!
Only thing to do is keep quiet and hope he will come round, best if other family members stay in your D's life, otherwise you will have no news of how she is, as is in my case. I have only read a few replies, so are you still seeing your D and are there GC? Best of luck

Apologies...I re read your post and now realize that you and your husband are also estranged from your SIL because of what happened.
The only thing you can do at this point is let time do the healing. He'll come around...he loves your daughter and he's hurt and angry. it's easier to stay mad at you (which is why you shouldn't have taken sides) but he won't stay mad forever. I get why you're upset...I would be too. Give it some time and do let us know what happens.
Best Willa

I didn't get a chance to read all the posts, but I do agree with a few of them here. It was highly unfair of SIL to put you and your husband in the middle of their conflict. He probably expected you to sympathize with him because it was your daughter who misbehaved.

I would let them sort it out, give them some space and above everything else stick to MOTHER IN LAW Rule NO 1 which is no matter what happens.... STAY OUT OF IT!

Going forward, you can say something to the effect that you hate listening to marital spats and that you won't take sides because they're a couple and you love them both. If either one of them is looking for advice, recommend a marriage counselor.

I had a rather different situation but none the less awful....
Daughter got rather close to another man but nothing happened just lots of texting, told me far too much about it, worried me to death and the next day I had SIL at the house in tears and desperate, asking my advice on what to do. I was stuck in the middle!! SIL was not sure, he just had an idea daughter was infatuated with someone else. I'm afraid to say I just played ignorant, pretended I knew nothing and told him not to worry etc. He was imagining things. Didn't know what else to do. Daughter got a right bo**ocking after from me. Told her to make a decision and not hurt SIL. It's blown over now, phew ! Nothing came of it, but have told daughter not to tell me anything else, but then again I want her to know she can discuss problems with me. It's such a horrible situation to be in and I was not prepared for it.

Thank you Jalima.I will do that. I did feel that I was butting in on a conversation.

I don't come on gransnet very often but is it usual for someone to just bring a totally unrelated issue up, as has happened here. Seems a bit rude to me.

anneey and cheerfullizzy go to FORUMS, look down the page for Forum Topics, pick the right one then Start Conversation to open a new thread.

Surely it would be wise to support them both, since they are in a ten year marriage? Its not compulsory to "side" openly with either of them. But I wouldn't apologise either.

cheerfullizzy that's shocking! but a least you have found a way of coping. My mil suffered with a hiatal hernia for years and found lying on her left side helped a lot.

What on earth made him think you were the right people to talk to about his relationship with YOUR DD? He should never have put you in this position in the first place. No mater what has happened between them in my opinion your DD is the one who should have your support.

I'd like to start a newpost/thread but not sure how...so i'm posting my q1uestion here...Has anyone by any chance used Austin Macauley publising services..or indeed any other publishing company??? i've read mixed reviews and would like to know by word of mouth about publishing companies that anyone on here may have used?? thank you!..xxx

Anneey, I had dreadful oesophagus problems for about three years...then was finally told I needed surgery to repair a valve to curb acid reflux..
I'd constantly suffered agonising pain...once the date arrived for surgery , I was so glad to finally get things sorted...I was to have key hole surgery for a 'stomach wrap'.. and would only be in overnight..wonderful!!!,
Except..it was anything but. I awoke from surgery and was given a hot drink..within seconds i could hardly breathe...the pain was indescribable...The surgery hadn't gone well....And I had to have the whole operation done again two days later...those two days were unbarable to say the least. I was sent home on a diet of liquids..no meat or bread for six weeks...i eventually began to feel better...pain and discomfort improved...only to return again...had follo up appointments..unsympathetic help..or lack of it lead to diaphragm strengthening drugs...which I severely reacted to....swas not given ant further appointments...And had to get on with it...I found my own way of coping with the spasms....to eat very small meals...and not to mix carbs & protein at the same meal...it helps...but still gives me discomfort at times..a book online called great taste no pain...is where i found the best way forward. I also have a hiatus hernia..and sleep with raised pillows...as laying flat is just not possible..I feel for you ..I truly do..it's a long road i'm afraid. best of luck aneey....xx

Very suspicious of this man. Keep the lines of communication open with your daughter. If she did not sleep with this man it was not an affair. Do not let her become isolated.
Be polite to him but look after your daughter.

100% agree with jinty44,"he is controlling"always rings alarm bells, don't let him do the same to you.Also I know our DD tell us to much sometimes, but she should be able to tell you anything and you should support her without taking sides unless off course his controlling behaviour gets out of hand. From experience I'm sure this will be the reason she did what she did in the first place.Always keep lines of communication open with her. She's made a mistake but hey who hasn't. Wish you well.

I have an uncommon medical condition. Oesophageal Spasms.
I would like to hear from a poster that may have the same condition please.
I have seen it mentioned on Gransnet, but I have searched and cannot find it.

Anya said, you had not handled the situation very well and owed him an apology. What for?. You haven't said what or what not was said so no one can judge. As her mother you want your daughter to be happy and if it's with him so be it. No one truly knows the dynamics of any relationship, it us up to the two involved in it. I feel that a bit of distance wouldn't be a bad thing, it is one of those situations where you are dammed if you follow and dammed if you don't. Know you are worried but hopefully they will get on track all a bit sensitive at the moment. Good Luck.

It's fantastic that she talks to you, so many women in controlling relationships don't. Your daughter may be in an abusive relationship, he is acting like an incredibly controlling person and it sounds like he is trying to cut her off from her family.

Be there for her and help her if she needs it.

Lots of good advice, which I agree with, your SIL will come round, just give him time.

I have been shocked at the judgemental tone of so many of the posters. None of us knows what is going on in someone's marriage and what the son-in-law is like. It is very easy to make bad decisions when we are under stress and I can't believe that the posters who are so ready to condemn Granny Knee's daughter have never put a foot wrong in their own marriages. And, of course, granny Knee is going to support her daughter.