Does he have a bit on the side?

Without a doubt, NannieJulie, you are being deceived. A very similar thing happened to me nearly 40 years ago, and husband even had me convinced (after many months) that I was going insane, because of my suspicions. I wasn't - he WAS deceiving me - and therein lies a very sad tale. Don't be fobbed off with his "explanation". You deserve the truth - confront him! Or better still, seek revenge. Sorry - that sounds bitter - but it nearly destroyed me. I eventually, 2 years later, had a very severe breakdown which caused me to lose nearly a year of my life, off work and so very, very ill. I still have flashbacks.

I would say that you have been feeling unhappy for a while with the marriage/relationship & get the feeling he is also not happy with it and would like to go to couples counselling to see if it is worth salvaging.

I don't think I m the only woman on here who's been cheated on by a long chalk and yes I do think many men and women cheat on partners and if you are in a relationship of trust you are truely lucky and blest I m not bitter that's life but I would never be fooled
I don't think reading the original post that the husband has BOUGHT a bra just has the details written down as to what to buy, and if he was buying it for himself he would know what he wanted he wouldn't have to write it down to remind himself would he ? There is a very very tiny line that it may be something innocent but add it to the care and attention which poster says is out of character it adds up to something making him very happy and to me it sounds coupled with mouthwash and cleanliness that there is a womanly ( or manly) reason

I should never be fooled AGAIN

In my case my ex was 'going to a weekend business conference' ....I found a piece of paper with the name of a hotel in BRIGHTON of all places ! (he said he was going to Norwich) so I rang the hotel and asked if he was there with his ;wife; and was told yes, but they had gone out ,,,,,so I said well, this is his wife speaking, so could you please leave a large note on reception asking him to ring his wife as soon as he gets back. He didn't, but the he arrived home that same night ....all the usual excuses, etc ....so I told him he could take his washing to her,,,got the locks changed and that was almost the end of that !!! An idea.....say nothing , but prepare ! go and buy yourself that same bra, wrap it up in some pretty Christmas paper with a blank label ,,,,and on Christmas day you can open it in front of him and exclaim ;Ah how thoughtful ....a pretty bra, just the one I wanted ...how did you know ? and then watch his face ......

he will either be horrifed or surprised or pleased ...the first if he has been found out ...the second wondering who gave you that or the third ..hoping for an excuse to tell you about his cross dressing !

Bon courage !

I have my own Gardening business and look after some posh houses. I have lost count of how many women who have hinted or been very direct to ask me if I wanted to do 'more' than the garden. I always feel complemented that they want a bit of rough!! However I could never live with myself if I cheated on my wonderful wife and I would never do anything to upset our family life our children our grandchildren. My wife has had her offers from both men and women and told me as I tell her. They say lust will pull you further than gunpowder can blow you.

I would quietly check his phone for unknown contacts, maybe his bill if you can to see if there are lots of calls to one number. Also look for "secret" phone.
Bank and credit card statements are also mines of information. It is a horrible feeling, but evidence can be very useful.

Violette - for me getting the locks changed wasn't an option because the house was jointly owned. Both parties in a separating couple have the right to occupy the house and to enter the house until a financial agreement has been reached.

My ex (30 years marriage) left me for 7 weeks, saying he needed "space". He insisted there was no one else, he was living in a borrowed flat. There had been some signs of changed behaviour in the weeks leading up to this, and a work party which I wasn't invited to and he didn't come home all night.

He eventually came home saying he wanted to work on the marriage, but refused to tell me what we needed to work on. He wouldn't speak to me, wouldn't go to relate. He was off sick from work with depression. Every time I tried to talk to him he erupted. I was treading on eggshells. This went on for 7 months.

I eventually told him he had to make a decision and either end things or work things out. I gave him a further month to decide. At the end of that time he said he wanted to sell the house and split up. He still insisted there was no one else. He refused to leave the house so I could live in it on my own to sell it so we had to live in the house together. I was in the spare room, and stopped doing his washing, cooking etc. It was horrendous. He took over all the space in the house, kitchen, lounge, I just felt like a lodger.

The house didn't sell for a year, and I ended up having to leave my lovely home and get a flat myself. Finally the house sold and I took my 50% share - I could only afford a small place. He still insisted there was no one else. Two weeks after he moved into his new place, a woman moved in. He said he had only just met her.....

I am sorry seasidenana and hope you have rebuilt a happier life.Have you children and have they managed to keep in touch with you both? Take care

Hi mumsofmadboys thank you. Yes we have three children, two of whom are in touch with their dad, one isn't. We have 7 grandchildren. My ex didn't stay with the woman who moved in, she lasted about a year, then there was another one who only lasted a few weeks. He has now married a younger woman he met on a website. She is from China. She is currently here on a temporary visa.

I think it is very difficult for grown up kids when their parents split up.

As for me, I'm still on my own and still struggling to deal with it all, but it does get better over time.

In response to the OP given my experience above I do agree with other posters who advise not to confront him. He is likely to lie, and he will also cover his tracks more carefully reducing your chances of finding out what is going on.

I tried asking mine if there was anything worrying him, or that he needed help with, but he just got angry. I even told him I would forgive him if he had been unfaithful, but we just needed to talk about it. He still denied it and lied through his teeth for 18 months.

My advice is to look after yourself very well indeed. Make sure you have friends to support you. I would not normally advocate invasion of a partners privacy, but in order to protect yourself look at his phone records, bank statements etc. If he's supposed to be at work, find out if he is. Once you have evidence then you can have the discussion.

If I had my time over again, I would have ended things much sooner as it was torture which had lasting damage. I should have done the detective work and saved myself a long nightmare.

By the way, I just agreed to a straight 50% split because I couldn't face any more hassle. This was a mistake too, I should have fought my corner by finding a bit of strength somewhere.

At least I do have a quiet and peaceful life now, which money can't buy.

Good luck, and take care of yourself.

Seasidenana that was tough for you, a peaceful life is worth more than money.
Having said that Nanajulie if things are going wrong then make sure you get what you are entitled to, keep an eye on the family finances to ensure nothing is being salted away.

My ex told people I had left him and the children, did not mention that one child was 19 and the other married.

I do hope* NannieJulie* comes back to let us know how things are. Keeping fingers crossed for her.

Hi all, many thanks for your continuied support and comments. It means such a lot to me. I have family coming to me boxing day that need a break and are really looking forward to it, so i am going to stay quiet, dont want anything to spoil that for them.
I think he guesses something is not ok with me though. A couple of times he has asked if all is ok and both times i have said you tell me. He has had no answer both times. I dont know why, but i have a 'feeling' the side bit is foreign or married herself. And i feel that at the moment (this week) she is either away or busy. As this week he does not have to do 'compulsory' overtime. Last night he got home from work earlier than he has done for ages. I asked how come he was home ontime, he said traffic was good, i said but you havent got home this quickly in ages, he then changed the subject. In the meantime after continued no no no, i am finally getting a new cooker and checking his ipad this evening i can see he has been looking at new kitchens!
I get the impression he wants to keep his cake and have the icing.
He won't if i can get enough evidence!

Hi NannieJulie I understand you want to have a good Christmas with family, fair enough, you can do things in your own time, and meanwhile no doubt will be keeping your eyes open.

I know there are a lot of unexplained mysteries, but just wondered about another possibility to consider. Hopefully he's not ill, and now planning on sorting house out for you, and being nice because of a bad diagnosis?

Probably not, a womans' instincts are usually correct. Sounds like you are feeling strong and determined - good luck what ever happens, look after yourself and your interests.

Maybe I'm being optimistic, but perhaps it is over? Can't imagine him shelling out for a new kitchen otherwise. Time will tell, but I hope you are able to have a good Christmas with your family.

Yes perhaps it is over and he has come to his senses and realised that the grass is not greener, he may now be trying to re-build your relationship.

Hi NannieJulie

Do you have an inclination who this other person may be? I just find that your statement about your feeling that she is married, or foreign, rather strange.
Still don't understand why you haven't asked him directly instead of all this speculating.

Julie does he keep his phone with him at all times? I wouldn't have asked outright either, he would have only denied it. Do you think he is possibly putting in a new kitchen with the view of the house being sold?

It will be interesting what he does buy you for Christmas! I think you are handling it well, many of us have been through similar. Good luck!

No point in asking outright he's not going to say 'Yes dear I m scrxxxxx my secretary is he?' It will just put him on high alert and he will be more careful Give him enough rope and he ll hang himself
For the optomistic posters who have said 'perhaps it's over' .... does that make it ok then ?

Maybe he was having a drink or whatever with simeone occasionally, and felt flattered at their interest in him, but when it came to the crunch, he realised he didn't want to lose what he has. Perhaps it was a foreign girl attracted by his money.
If you start behaving strangely he may think you have a bit on the side so he may as well go for it! Maybe you should mention what you found light heartedly and say it's not your size!

The fact that you said he has used all your mouthwash,something he has never done before,would set alarm bells ringing for me. Sorry OP,but when a man suddenly starts taking a renewed interest in personal hygiene,it usually means that he is up to no good. I speak from personal experience. My exH never used to be bothered about aftershave,or any male 'smelly' stuff,only used soap in the shower,not shower gel,and NEVER used mouthwash. When,after 11 years of marriage,he suddenly started doing all these things,plus buying himself new clothes that were not in his usual 'comfortable' style,my suspicions were confirmed right.

NannieJulie truly listen to your gut feeling. You cant go on like this it will drive you mad, i always knew when the Rat i was married to was cheating and i was never wrong. Goodluck

As one of the few male posters on here, can I just say that in my experience no man in his right mind would ever buy a cheap(ish) white bra for a Christmas present for a girlfriend. It's too functional - too utilitarian. He might as well buy her a set of steak knives.

There will be another explanation. Does he work with a lot of women? Could it be a Secret Santa present?

I said something similar earlier LH, I would find something far more romantic if I was wooing a lady. Secret Santa or a wind up for a male colleague.