would a other grans be hurt by this

Lots of people are saying how great second-hand clothes etc can be.
I agree with you all but I did not offer anything second-hand for my GC until I knew that their parents were happy with that.
The young mum in the OP is entitled to her views and should have them respected, although possibly she was a little tactless with her mother. What she will choose to do with outgrown clothes is no-one business of anyone else.

Crikey ! If my DD didn't want 2nd hand stuff then her kids would have very little. Just this morning I have got a lovely almost new pair of 'Next' trousers for one of them at a cost of £1.75. I once got a lovely fleece jumper for £4 which had a 'label'. I googled it and the jumper would have been over £40 new !!!!! And it was hardly used !
When they come here they sleep in a 2nd hand cot, with 2nd hand bedding and use 2nd hand toys. I am racking my brains to try and think what I have here for them that is new. I would much rather have money spare to put in their bank accounts.
As for letting them know when I am coming - I need to buy a flight so they have plenty of notice! I think if they were in spitting distance I would ring beforehand just to make sure they would be in but would not like to be making an appointment.
I wonder what the young mum in the post will do with everything that her child grows out of. Keep it for a 2nd child ? Sell it on ebay ? Give it away ? Will it be ok for someone else to have her castoffs or is it all going in the bin ?

DD and I are very close and she lives nearby, but I would never drop in unannounced. Also prefer to text rather than phone because it is less intrusive. I feel it is acknowledging that she is a grown up with her own life? Thinking about it, she never drops in unannounced on us either.
The second hand stuff is a minefield. I do think the DD on the OP was appallingly rude and lacking in social skills. However as other posters have hinted, perhaps being the daughter of a keen recycler has left its scars. I have a dear friend whose mother was a keen home dressmaker and she swore no child of hers would ever have home sewn clothes and they never did!

My DD would gladly accept secondhand clothes & uniforms when the children where all at school,the only things she objected to was the offer of shoes & underwear.My DGCs where always immaculate when going anywhere and no one was aware that they wore hand me downs,specially school uniforms blazers that cost £40.00 new where bought from the school shop for a donation of £5.00 made the difference to the household budget and if you where to have two football mad boys who used their blazers as goalposts the school shop came in quite handy indeed.
ethel your friend may have to wait and see if her daughters opinion changes when she has 2 or 3 children
Regarding visiting if the mum is back at work I can understand why she maybe need to keep to a routine and arrange for visitors,you just have to be kept half an hour longer than expected and your evening schedule is up the wall or you week-end arrangements made late.

How hard is it to text or phone before visiting? I wouldn't just drop in unannounced if I could easily avoid it.

I was glad to receive a cot from my SiL whose girls were older than my two boys. My DiL searched Ebay for children's clothes and got some lovely dresses for DGD. When a new bit of school/scout/cubs uniform is needed, she goes round her friends to see if their kids have outgrown any items. My other son's partner was happy to receive hand-me downs from GC1 for her two boys. Surely this has always happened in families - even relatively affluent ones like these! Or am I still hung up on the make-do-and-mend era in which I was brought up? A good friend bought men's used shirts from jumble sales and made little suits for DS1 when a sudden heat wave arrived before I could get round to buying summer clothes.

My DD would not be offended in the least with second-hand clothing or toys. She has bought bundles of baby clothes from people online, and picked out the best, to keep for her DC, and sent the rest to charity shops or recycling centres.
She was a young Navy wife with four small children and money was tight. I think that if the friend's daughter was in a similar position, she might think differently, and be more grateful.
As it is, I would continue to respect her wishes, I'm assuming that she only has the one child.
I never just popped in, even when my daughter lived just ten minutes walk away. I always phoned to let her know I was coming, and find out if it was convenient to call.
I crochet, and always ask my DD if she would like handmade clothes for her DC. I show her the pattern and the wool before beginning. Her little boys always looked smart and warm in Granny's hand made sweaters.

Maybe the daughter has had a bellyful of wearing second-hand clothes when she was young, and possibly being picked on by other kids because of it, and she wants none of it for her baby? Just a guess.

If the DD wants to feel in control of her life by having her mother contact her first before turning up, then I see no problem with that. I don't think it will be just that she wants her house to be tidy for visitors but that she doesn't want to feel "invaded" unexpectedly.

I can sympathise with the Gran's point of view on these things, but I think it is the daughter's right to say what is acceptable to her in her own home.

Every family is different, I suppose. I think dropping in is probably done less these days.
I used to be a great knitter, and was very hurt when one of my daughter's in law told me that she did not want any hand-knitted garments for her babies, only shop bought things! I had no choice but to obey....
Relationships!

she is allowed to visit but only on appointment, Henehta, which she does not like but the mother is now back at work and so time is limited.
I always ask if I can go to my DD but my mother says its wrong and that families should drop in. This being the old fashioned way.
I can only sympathise with my friend.

I agree tanith, I was given many second hand clothes for my DD but some were just horrible but I accepted they were given with kind intent and I either returned them saying they were a bit too small or just passed them on to a jumble sale.
I remember once, I passed on a bag of used baby stuff to a neighbour whose daughter was pregnant and the neighbour returned to my door and threw the bag inside telling me that her daughter wanted no second hand stuff for her baby (it was all good stuff too). I was very wary since then about giving used stuff.

Do you mean that your friend is not allowed to visit her daughter and new baby at all, or not allowed to drop in unannounced?
I've never had that lovely mother/daughter experience which I so envy, having only sons myself, so it was a little different with my daughters in law when they had babies. I would never dream of dropping in unannounced, but always phone first. I still do actually.
Regarding the clothes etc, I am a great fan of charity shops, skips, boot sales etc, but only for myself. I would never give a baby anything but brand new, clothes or toys.
It does seem that the new mother is being a bit over-sensitive though, being like this with her own mother. But then, maybe mother/daughter relationships are not always as lovely as I fondly imagine them to be.
I can understand your friend is upset and do hope it works out alright.

I think I would know what was acceptable to my daughters and if I had an ungrateful daughter such as your friend I wouldn't even bother with the second hand stuff if that is the daughters preference... I feel sorry for your friend but if she already knew her daughter was likely to make a silly fuss then why on earth did she risk it and take the labels off?

Having said that I agree with you that there is nothing wrong with accepting and using second hand stuff but some people just aren't comfortable with it and I guess that's their choice.. but what a shame to spoil a grandmothers enjoyment of their grandchild the daughter could of just accepted the clothes in good grace even if she wasn't going to use them.

I would be very hurt by this. I have never read such nonsense.