How do I cope with this

Our situation was very similar. I was working, my husband at home all day. Fortunately we had a dog. So every evening straight after work i would take her for a walk. It gave me the space i needed plus some exercise. I could chill down after a day doing a very stressful job and when i returned i felt better and was ready to communicate with DH and listen to what he wanted to talk about.

tcherry. am trying hard to understand your problem ,but having lost my DH before either of us retired I know which situation I would prefer. Hope talking out your problem with your DH will help .

I don't think that you can really compare the situations. I would appreciate company but I don't have it. It it what it is.

Tcherry, I'm so sorry, but it doesn't sound as if you just need some space or "me time." It sounds as if you want a divorce. Even if it's nobody's fault and just that you need to be on your own now or have grown apart or something. It will be hard to tell him, but, IMO, you have to in as gentle a way as possible.

But please forgive me if I ask you what he's bound to ask you - Is there someone else?

I retired nearly three years ago and found it difficult to adjust, I think I was very difficult to live with at first, may be I still am. You lose your identity to some extent and have to reinvent yourself, my husband worked from home for over 30 years and after the children left he had the house to himself (with only a dog and two cats for company for nearly 10 hours a day) then he had to cope with me being around all day. We have adjusted to each other I think, it is certainly better than it was. We have an allotment, which takes up more of his time than mine. He also does an Italian class which leaves me alone. We both have iPads so can watch different programmes. We have two grandchildren which is one of the reasons I retired. It is just another phase in life and you have to find your way the same as when you first started living together. Think very carefully about leaving it is a very serious step, could you not go away on holiday without him, that might help you when you come back to see if you want to stay. As others have said you need to talk to him men are not as aware of under currents as women I think.

I truly appreciate your problem. My hubby and I were both at home together for 12 years before he died 4 yrs ago. and loved every minute of it. There were certainly rows, but we both learned to adjust to being together virtually all the time. Please try to appreciate the time you have together, one of these days it will be too late. I m' not preaching, but believe me you never miss 'em till they're gone. My best wishes to you both

This is the first time I have posted but I have to say I sympathise. My husband is always around . He even sometimes follows me from room to room. If I go out in the garden he decides he wants to garden too. He hates shopping so I often say I am going shopping and go out and have coffee somewhere and read my book but I get virtually no time alone at home.

My husband retired two years ago, but got a job as a home help a few days a week, I have been retired for two years after having worked until 73, I loved my work.
When he comes home, I dread it because as soon as he walks through the door, I get the entire working day, told to me, I try to change the subject, but he is so self centred he doesnt ever ask how my day has been, he just pours out everything from his day, which doesnt really interest me, sometimes I feel sad, as though what I do isnt as interesting as his day, maybe that is the case, but it would be nice if I could talk for a change.I want him to work so that I can have some of my "own tme", but my stomach is in a knot as soon as I hear him coming home. I also feel trapped, by such a one sided relationship.

I certainly feel for you, why are men like that, mine also wants to be everywhere, I have to explain where I am going, when I will be back etc, it drives me mad!

Why are you not interested in his working day? Isn't that the sort of thing couples do talk about when one or other comes in? If, of course, your own day has been so interesting you just need to wait until he draws breath and then say "wait till I tell you what happened to me" or something like that.
Your description of "one sided" sounds about right from both sides.

tcherry It really sounds as if you need to do something drastic or get out of the situation . Do you really want to spend the rest of your life feeling like you do at the moment ?
If you decide that you want to be with your H then perhaps a serious conversation explaining that you need time alone . When my X retired at 50 I became quite depressed and was prescribed antidepressants , all the things that drove me mad about him were intensified . He spent the first 6 months sitting on the sofa watching 24 hour news or sport , never lifted a finger in the house or even went out . He had never been hands in the house but I assumed it was because he worked longish hours and wrongly thought that when he retired he would be more motivated to do the odd bit of housework or DIY . I thought perhaps he needed some time doing nothing after a busy working life . We eventually split up and I can say it was the best thing for both of us , I have never been happier than I am now , and my X has a full life with lots of hobbies .
The only downside is financial , it takes some time to adjust to living on a budget !
I am not suggesting that this is the way you should go but that unless you can find a way of living together happily and not being `joined at the hip` it may be the only option.

You have noticed that that the OP dates back to 2014?
If there was a problem it must have been resolved by now.

tcherry is no longer a member of Gransnet, so any more advice will be wasted.

hi,
I am a retired husband and I can understand what you are feeling and the confusion it has created . I am in a very similar situation but from the retired side of the equation .
In my humble opinion this arise because of a situation which was already there .( excuse my English as I am french ) the feeling of been trapped is one I know very well . I think you should do activity only for Yourself and be very selfish ...this will have 2 effects ...1) give you some ME time and give you some freedom 2 ) it would oblige your husband to face time on is own when he expect you to be there ...If you are the cook of the house have day(s) when you don't cook ( late work , meal with colleague and so on ) . If you don't do the cooking .. be late to very late or missing the time of the meal ...It would break his routine and give you back some of your freedom ...... I understand it could be the first step toward breaking up may be.. a try separation is probably a bad idea for the reasons you expressed yourself .
I believe it is more a situation which affect the man in a couple more than the woman .

Can I refer you to Elegran's post of 12 May?

Tell him how you feel and set the ground rules he won't like it but I've found honesty is the best policy . The amount of women that say this is staggering . You need your space . All my friends who set ground rules do much better than the ones who let things drift best of luck

Repeat of my comment of 12 May "tcherry is no longer a member of Gransnet, so any more advice will be wasted."

Hi, why can't you just tell him how you feel? I've always believed you need to talk about the negative issues you have with a partner, otherwise the negative feelings grow and eventually can turn into something much less loving. Seriously, tell him how you feel. if you are the type of person who finds it difficult to talk about such things, you could try writing him a letter explaining how you feel or get relationship help. Maybe leave magazines around that talk about such issues or leave a forum page open that talks about such issues. Curiosity will almost certainly see him checking the site you've left open. Of all of those, the most important in my opinion is direct communication. that said, every couple is different and one couples norm may be another rarely used option. I hope this is of some help.

Heavywater look at the date of the post. He's probably under the patio now.

???

Petra I needed that