Hello

Hi soutra thank yu for posting--I do not remember at any time saying I wanted to trade him in for a younger model and getting with someone else could not be further away from my mind--just the thought of a different kind of trouble send chivers down my spine.

You say the worse crime you can see that he has done is leave his clothes lying around--what he has actually done goes far far beyond that but I do not really wantto go into that on a chat forum, you may understand and appreicate that.

I respect you for your comments but you know nothing of my life with my husband and what a complete real life nightmare it has been, but you werent to know that now were you.

I have come to this quite late and am spmewhat surprised at how quickly things in your marriage seem to have moved on. Your initial comments re" his clothes lying around the house not bringing ypu pleasure" sound about par for the course. If only moe men realised that the ideall foreplay starts with him putting his socks and pants in the laundry basket by himself However that is hardly a hanging offence! So you are bored with him OK it is up to you what you do now,but personally I feel sorry for the poor old chap. . The worst crime he seems to stand accused of is getting older and boring. Honestly now, how would you feel if he wamted to trade you in for a younger and more glam model?

Hi Tricia Yes you are of course right I was depressed because I was so un happily married, the two kind of went together.

I feel better now that things are happening and he is actively taking steps to move out.

I see what you mean about people thinking that marriage is supposed to be on elong honeymoon, I do think a little like that--you said that we should just excpect or hope foe at least a friendship and this is why just one reason why I was depressed, my husbadn and myself, we do not have a close relationship at all, if you were to see us ina room together you would totaly think that we were strangers and did not know each other--my sister actually did say that to me once.

Thank you for your post, every post is helping me to work things out

Perhaps part of the problem is that some people make out that marriage is supposed to be one long happy romantic honeymoon. Whereas over the years the best we should expect is a close friendship and companionship. With occasionally that "old loving feeling" as per the song.
If you get to that stage early in the marriage then perhaps it is time to move on.
Anyway, hope you can find the right way out. As others have said my first reaction was, Paula is depressed.

Mini I cried with clarity when I read your post, I really needed to hear all that you said. Thank you

Thank you Silver I appreciate your thoughts

Good luck, it makes my food phobias seem like nothing compared to your problems. I lost my husband after just 10 years but who knows if we had been together for a long time, what might have happened, we grow up and develop as a person continually.

you might become friends with your husband if you live apart as many people do. The distance helps with little things that cause irritations every day. I know many people who are best friends with their ex husbands.
Take care xx

Paula8 It's not surprising that you're confused, it would be more surprising if you weren't. You're going through a huge life-change and it will seem confusing, even bewildering at times as you adjust. Even the practicalities may seem daunting, but you'll come through it at your own pace and in your own way. Just take each day at a time and take care of yourself.

Did it seem too easy? Did you want him to put up more of a fight?

Those of us who are widowed know that feeling of being alone and wondering what will happen if something happened to you.
It happened to me last year. You just pick up the phone, ring 111, and someone will talk to you until the ambulance arrives, hopefully within ten minutes. Even if you cannot talk properly they can trace your call providing you do not put down the phone.
That's one problem out of the way.

Things are getting quite serious now as my husband has possiblly found somewere to move to.

I feel so confused .. I dont know why I feel confused about him going, if I thought that he wasnt going, then I would be upset that he wasnt going, but him going is also upsetting me.???

I am so confused

So Paula8 what did happen to make the big change, and is your husband now actually looking for somewhere to live, as suggested in your post yesterday?

Things do seem to have turned around pretty quickly, well done you for making the thought the deed.

Often just putting your thoughts into writing makes you understand what it is you need to do or not do.

I agree with phoenix it appears to be fait accomplis when you first posted.

So what has happened between yesterday when you first posted, and today when you say happy that it will all be over in a while, when he finds somewhere to live. ??

How will you get him to leave? Is it really that easy?

It has really helped reading all the posts.

Some have suggested trying a bit harder and thinking it through more--all very good advice, the thing is, I have thought about it for at least 10 years and have tried not to give up on things.

Someone said do I want the boy that I married back -- Yes that would be nice but not at all possible.

It is time to let go. I am not happy that my long marriage is over. If someone would have told me, when I married that it would not stand the test of time, I would not have believed them at all.

And I am scared of being in the house alone at night, not because I am scared of burglars but I worry about what if something happened to me! But, I can not think about that, I can not live my life in that kind of fear.

And now to be honest, I feel relief. I have wanted it to end for a long time and am happy that it will all be over in a while, when he finds somewhere to live.

I think we will have better times if we live apart, I think things between us will be better.

Thank you for all your kind words, thank you for taking the time to post and thank you for making me feel Normal! and not alone.

I have never met any of you and yet you have helped me so much, its crazy.

Best wishes to you.

Paula8, I agree that it's easy, and the most natural thing in the world, for a long-term marriage/partnership to go stale. We've been together for 44 years and I have so often felt like going away to be by myself because I've felt that there's not enough to keep me here - not what there was in the early years, anyway. But then, I weigh things up and realise I really do love this man, and would do anything for him, however grumpy and boring he often is.
My eldest daughter left her husband (of 22 years) two weeks ago. She could no longer stand the fact that living with him made her feel so stifled and miserable, added to this he was quite penny-pinching and controlling. She is doing well, and looking better than she has for many years. She had tried (oh, how she'd tried) to make it work, but her feelings for him really had gone. I wish you the very best, whatever decision you make.

Paula8, Your feelings about your husband are familiar to me. It's many years ago now but I remember almost hoping that something would happen to set me free. And yet, when he did find someone else, and announce that he was leaving me, it came as an enormous shock. Even though I didn't like him very much, we had history and memories together and I hated the thought that he was going to share these with someone else. Rejection is very painful and it's very likely that your husband is feeling this way at the moment. Is it a seriously 'bad' marriage. Has he been unfaithful? Has he given you any cause to distrust him? Or is he simply a bore with whom you have nothing in common? Would it help to have counselling, enabling you both to explore your feelings in a safe environment? Sorry - more questions than answers here.

So sorry, Paula8. A bad marriage is a bit like being in prison, I think.
Be careful though and maybe take some of the good advice offered above.
After 32 years of a bad marriage, eventually I simply walked out and have
never regretted doing so. But that is not the right thing for everyone,of course.
Good luck to you whatever you decide.

Paula8 . . . . . he just thinks I am just being horrible to him. He said that worse things could happen and I should just realise this and not split up

I picked up on these comments straight away. This does not sound like a very positive or constructive way of continuing your lives. He does not seem to be trying to address the issue or even willing to try, he's just brushing your feelings and concerns away - and possibly his, as well. In other words, just carry on as you are. He is comfortable in the situation, or at least prefers it to the option of you splitting up, so as far as he is concerned he is not going to admit that there is a problem let alone address it.

It sounds as though you have reached a watershed moment in your life. You do not say what has brought things to a head, but sometimes it's no particular thing, just everything reaches a certain pitch and you feel the need to act.

So many others on here have offered words of wisdom, but only you can decide what to do next. Just remember that many of us have gone down this road and have survived and found happiness, even though at the time we felt as though we'd never get through it.

I hope that it helps knowing that you're not alone in going through this and that you feel you can cope with whatever decisions you make.

I echo what Printmiss says! Which is more or less what others have said.

I hope you find some happiness soon!

Like a lot of others I have been in your positionpaula and I wish you strength and a clear head to weigh up the situation. What do you really want? Do you want the boy that you married back? Are you the same girl?

It sounds as if your husband wants to make a go of it so perhaps if you can define what you would like from him in the relationship and tell him, then he might be willing to try and give you that. It sounds as if it's all got hum-drum and boring and the romance has gone. Can you do anything to put it back?

It will all come down to what you really want and what compromise you are prepared to make. The grass is NOT greener on the other side of the fence though and I should think carefully before jumping over it. Good luck!

Hello paula I wish you well in sorting out your feelings. All the other posts on here offer good advice, which I can't really add to, they have said it all.I think it's a common feeling.

Hello paula I agree with all the above, I think perhaps coolgran65 is another aspect of the story, mental illness is draining to say the least. If I had walked out every time I was feeling as you do, I would have done it probably half a dozen times during our long and really happy marriage, I think we all get really down with the humdrum of life, and so pick on the person nearest to us to blame. Not sure, however that that applies to you, and of course many marriages are not happy, and the solution is to walk away. But I would suggest you just stand back for a moment and think about it.

Hello paula. I was sorry to hear that you are feeling so unhappy. I hope some of the advice and comments on here are of some help and comfort to you.

Maybe your husband is not very good at expressing his feelings but it appears from what you say that he does not want your marriage to break up - and that is at least something positive to bear in mind.

Perhaps your GP can refer you to a counsellor. Being able to unburden all those feelings of anger and disappointment might help you to see a way forward.

Along with all the other posters here, I truly hope that you soon find peace of mind and some happiness.

Some very good advice here. I have often felt like you do too, I suspect a lot of married couples' feelings for each other dwindle to nothing much. I think we have to find our own happiness in other ways. Do the things you like to do, go out for walks, join clubs, yoga, line dancing - something that will bring you a little joy in your day. I often treat myself to a coffee out - my partner would never dream of suggesting we go out for a coffee or a meal, so I do it on my own or with girlfriends.
As you found the strength to tell your husband how you feel, I think you would also be able to talk to a counsellor and find some help there.
I am so thankful for my little grandchildren - they brighten our lives and offer a future too.