Hello

Good luck, it makes my food phobias seem like nothing compared to your problems. I lost my husband after just 10 years but who knows if we had been together for a long time, what might have happened, we grow up and develop as a person continually.

you might become friends with your husband if you live apart as many people do. The distance helps with little things that cause irritations every day. I know many people who are best friends with their ex husbands.
Take care xx

Mini I cried with clarity when I read your post, I really needed to hear all that you said. Thank you

Thank you Silver I appreciate your thoughts

Perhaps part of the problem is that some people make out that marriage is supposed to be one long happy romantic honeymoon. Whereas over the years the best we should expect is a close friendship and companionship. With occasionally that "old loving feeling" as per the song.
If you get to that stage early in the marriage then perhaps it is time to move on.
Anyway, hope you can find the right way out. As others have said my first reaction was, Paula is depressed.

Hi Tricia Yes you are of course right I was depressed because I was so un happily married, the two kind of went together.

I feel better now that things are happening and he is actively taking steps to move out.

I see what you mean about people thinking that marriage is supposed to be on elong honeymoon, I do think a little like that--you said that we should just excpect or hope foe at least a friendship and this is why just one reason why I was depressed, my husbadn and myself, we do not have a close relationship at all, if you were to see us ina room together you would totaly think that we were strangers and did not know each other--my sister actually did say that to me once.

Thank you for your post, every post is helping me to work things out

I have come to this quite late and am spmewhat surprised at how quickly things in your marriage seem to have moved on. Your initial comments re" his clothes lying around the house not bringing ypu pleasure" sound about par for the course. If only moe men realised that the ideall foreplay starts with him putting his socks and pants in the laundry basket by himself However that is hardly a hanging offence! So you are bored with him OK it is up to you what you do now,but personally I feel sorry for the poor old chap. . The worst crime he seems to stand accused of is getting older and boring. Honestly now, how would you feel if he wamted to trade you in for a younger and more glam model?

Hi soutra thank yu for posting--I do not remember at any time saying I wanted to trade him in for a younger model and getting with someone else could not be further away from my mind--just the thought of a different kind of trouble send chivers down my spine.

You say the worse crime you can see that he has done is leave his clothes lying around--what he has actually done goes far far beyond that but I do not really wantto go into that on a chat forum, you may understand and appreicate that.

I respect you for your comments but you know nothing of my life with my husband and what a complete real life nightmare it has been, but you werent to know that now were you.

Hello Paula8; I must admit, I do not have your problem, but you have my cob ut would pass on messages from people who had called me at homemplete sympathy. 7 years ago, I was very unhappy, my husband has , to some extent, some kind of Aspergers, and can sit for hours and hours, not speaking, although he is not a bad man.One Sunday, I got out a bpttle of wine, and after drinking half of it; I rang my sister to come and fetch me. I left him! I looked in the local paper and found a bed sit(which was all I could afford ). I stayed there for 9 months. My husband

me once, to ask if I would come back

Sorry about that.Typing mixed up.!The time I spent there gave me the space, away from him, a sort of breather.Eventually, I decided to go back, not because I missed him, really, but because I missed my garden and my piano!!!I have stayed, but have changed my own life, to the extent I hardly ever see him, Ime out so much.I began to go out, join clubs, go places where I meet new people, and consequently have made quite a few good friends.(p.s.) I didn't know at the time, but I could have claimed full rent rebate for the bedsit! So that's my tale. I hope you can manage to make some changes to your life.My thoughts are with you.Good luck!

I can understand liminetta that after you had that break and gained back your independance you felt that you would be more comfortable living back at home, I get it.

I do believe that had you not had that break things would be very different for you but you were brave enough to do what you had to do and have made me realise I must also be brave and see it through and know that it will make things much better than they are now for both of us.

Thank you for taking the time to post, I can not tell you how much reading it has helped me and given me courage

Thank you for the Paula8 though really I should be sending them to you!

Sometimes we are so embedded in our lives, both physically and mentally, just trying to keep things going, that we can't see things objectively - or in my case, being the swan with legs paddling incessantly trying to hold it all together. My watershed moment was virtually forced on me by a health crash and outside forces and was just the wake-up call I needed - and certainly gave me clarity!! I have blossomed since my decision to act and have become the 'me' that I never knew I could be.

Wishing you all the strength you may need, though I think you may have already done the hardest bit

I actually said (based on your original post) that the worst crime he seems to have committed is to have got older and boring. You say you have no joy when he comes home and thst seeing his clothes around the house " no longer gives you a happy feeling". Is that really the grounds for kicking him into touch? I did not say you were looking for a younger model just suggested a comparable analogy. Whatever happened to "for better and for worse"? Or is marriage now just "until I get bored with you"?

We don't know Paula's age. She is probably about forty. Is it worth throwing the rest of her life away when, perhaps, a happier partnership could be round the corner if she jumps ship now.

Must be a very young Gran!
I think I preferred your earlier advice jingl (yesterday's) !!

Have you worked out the practicalities Paula8? Can you afford to support yourself, find a home of your own , and what about children/ grandchildren if any?

Paula 8. I wish you strength to go through with this.I agree with Jings, Don't waste your life in an unhappy marriage

Soutra Jings Think there is a lot more to Paula's dilemma than she wishes to post on here. It's not just boredom or wishful thinking. The 'front door' comment, for instance . . . In my case it was dread, which perhaps could be the next stage for her?? Perhaps I'm reading too much into the OP, perhaps not.

If that is the case the OP made no mention of it. I certainly didn't "hear" any of that.

Soutra No OP didn't mention it, which is why I said that perhaps I've read too much into it. I have a tendency to look too deeply at times!

I certainly feel there is a huge difference betwern "dreading" someone's return and saying you no longer look forward or are happy when he is home! I am also saddened if not a little surprised at the speed with which paula8 seems to have given her DH his "marching orders". Initially it seemed she was merely disillusioned after 21 years of marriage and within less than a week her DH has found somewhere else to live. Call me old fashioned but what about counselling/Relate or some attempt at reconciliation?

That's partly why I read more into it!

Perhaps paula8 would like to put us straight? It seems wrong to speculate but I know I took longer than that to choose wallpaper for our bedroom!"

Thank you for all your posts, your support is really helping.

I have tried to keep things amicable but my husband can not keep that up..to be expected I think.

I am on the last hurdle now, must stay strong.

Thank you again for your support, I am so grateful for it.

Well that sounds like a done deal Paula8. Any progress on how you will cope on your own? Can you afford to keep the house onyour own or will you have to look for somewhere too. I am guessing that after 21 years of marriage yor children if any are no longer minors?
What next for you?

Things are horrible here, avoiding eachother etc. he gave me such a dirty look yesterday, my daughter noticed and asked him what he was doing that for, which is un usual for her to comment in any way but she had never seen him do that before because he usually does not do it in front of her, I think he just does not care anymore, well fair enough.

It is horrible because it is difficult to avoid eachother. Please let it all be over soon!!

can not even ask him for an update on his move, it is that bad..